On Wednesday, Letitia James filed a two-hundred-page lawsuit that essentially alleged something we all knew for decades: Donald J. Trump is full of shit! Well, AG James put it in a more legalistic framework, but it all came down to the same thing, Donald Trump and his family of misfit spawn are nothing more than a white-collar crime syndicate. Well, maybe an orange-collar crime syndicate, but you get the grift. But not surprisingly, the Clown Car Update did a little investigation of its own and found some other interesting misrepresentations Orange Jesus has made.
- Donald J. Trump inflated the size of his penis to women he tried to pick up.
We discovered that Trump frequently told women he had a foot-long in his pants. He claimed plausible deniability when it was discovered that what he had in his pants was a steak hoagie from Subway. The actual size of Trump’s penis was revealed by Stormy Daniels in petite jury testimony this summer. There, under oath, she revealed that his penis was so small, that to find it she had to sprinkle powder on his crotch and look for a wet spot.
- Donald J. Trump deflated his involvement in the conception of Eric.
On Eric Trump’s birth certificate, Donald Trump made false statements as to the origins of his son Eric. On it he claimed that Eric was never meant to happen. Most of Eric was left in a faulty rubber and the sperm was contaminated by a piece of the burrito Trump was eating at the time of the sexual encounter. Trump falsely claimed It was the burrito and his sperm that was responsible for Eric.
- Donald J. Trump filed false insurance claims.
He filed a claim for lost buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken which were later discovered in the Oval Office toilet as part of one of his “big dumps.”
- Donald J. Trump took millions in illegal tax deductions. They included:
- $400.00 he paid to acquire Melania from her parents.
- Business deductions for payments made to Russian hookers for a “wet bar.”
- Medical expenses for the removal of Lindsay Graham from his rectum.
- Donald J. Trump frequently inflated a rubber sex doll of Ivanka.
This revelation needs no explanation!
Of course, that was not Donald’s only legal problem this week. Both the special master and then the 11th Circuit ruled that he had no possessory interest in classified documents. Why did his lawyers think he should get them back? Well, here were the top ten reasons they claimed Trump needed the boxes back:
10. Putin already gave him a deposit.
9. Trump’s eBay Seller’s rating will go down.
8. Mar-A-Lago already has tours booked for the storage room.
7. The Saudis are demanding that Jared refund their two billion.
6. The sales receipt for Melania was in there.
5. The FBI is breaking up a set.
4. There were KFC coupons in there.
3. The FBI took “My Pillow” gift cards.
2. Rudy left his lower plate in Trump’s desk drawer.
And the #1 reason he needs those boxes back,
PEE-PEE TAPES, PEE-PEE TAPES, PEE-PEE TAPES!
The Poorly Written Political Blog 