Archive for November, 2020

I am not Tom Selleck. But this is not my first rodeo. And let me tell you something. I wouldn’t be here if I thought that an election was a way to take advantage of any American president or worse, that it was some way to get you out of The White House. It’s just an election, designed for a democracy and it’s helped over forty-four presidents. An election isn’t some kind of trick to take your White House. It’s an election, like the ones in Russia, Turkey, or Iran. The big difference is the elections in the United States are real and how you react to losing.

Find out how American elections work with American Democracy’s free, no-obligation election information guide. Eliminate daily intelligence briefings, watch cable TV non-stop, or just use your leisure time to pretend you will run in 2024 and keep fleecing those knuckleheads who voted for you. Call now and get your free information kit. Call 1-800-ILOSTBIGLY. Former White House staffers between jobs are standing by to take your call.

With elections that you win you get to stay in the White House for four more years. But when you lose an election, you can either concede defeat right away or wait until January 20, 2021, when you are escorted out of the White House by federal marshals. Discover the option that’s best for you! Call today for American Democracy’s no-obligation losing an election guide.

You’ve been fleecing the American people for four years, raking in foreign money through illegal emoluments, doing all the wrong things and the White House has become your crime family’s heart and soul. Now you can take those bribes and retire to Mar-A-Lago and enjoy the money you grifted. Listen, losing elections aren’t for everyone. After all, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and even Barack Hussein Obama all were re-elected. Look, I’ve been around long enough to know what’s what. I’m proud of the voters that chose Joe Biden. I trust them. I think you can too!

Call American Democracy now for the best way to make a graceful exit. Call 1-800-ILOSTBIGLY so you can…

GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

This is it! The sales event you’ve all been waiting for. That’s right, it’s the Donald J. Trump seventh bankruptcy and going-out-of-business sale and it’s just in time for Black Friday. Even though Donnie prefers White sales we are putting everything on sale and everything must go. MAGA hats, MAGA tees, MAGA scarves, MAGA face masks (never worn), MAGA flags, yard signs, pins, and more! All at up to ninety percent discount. Here are some of the MAGA-nificent holiday deals you can get right now!

  • The entire Rudy Giuliani legal team. This is a complete set of sorry-ass attorneys who are almost unused in a courtroom. In fact, they have not won a case in thirty-two tries, so they are virtual legal virgins. Included in the package is a lifetime supply of Giuliani hair care products including the same motor oil you saw running down Rudy’s face at news conferences. Comes in regular or synthetic.
  • Prop Bibles for use in fake religious events, swearings-in ceremonies, or to hold up in front of any church to make you look like a religious moron. Use these props to impress prospective in-laws, employers, or right-wing Christian bigots who will all say, “Hey, this person knows their Two Corinthians!” Or just use the handy hollowed-out interior to hide your weed.
  • MAGA union suits with a built-in iPhone pocket for that midnight tweeting rant. The front has a tiny hole for your tiny mushroom and an extra-large back-panel for those extra-large cheeks. Stay warm while you flush ten, fifteen, or twenty times! Comes in sizes L, XL, XXL, XXXL, and XXXXXDONNIE.
  • For the women, we have MAGA yoga pants, most were never worn. All MAGA pants come with “Grab here!” embroidered right on the crotch. For an extra ten-dollar fee we will engrave your favorite Trump word on your ass. Choose from Covfefe, Yosemite, Thighland, Hamburders, or Oranges.
  • One thousand cases of unused hydroxychloroquine for general use or to cure still undiscovered viruses. Each case comes with a free pre-lubricated ultraviolet anal prob to get to those hard-to-reach viruses. And don’t forget the bleach. We have Clorox in five, ten, and twenty-gallon sizes. Or for the larger families, try our fifty-five-gallon size to drink away the COVID! Works on laundry too!
  • Presidential linen sheets with authentic pee stains from Russian hookers. These come with a pee-pee tape of authenticity and are numbered one through forty-five. Supplies are limited so don’t piss away this opportunity to own a drop of history.
  • Framed replicas of love letters from Kim jong-un to Donnie himself expressing his love and admiration for our mentally deranged dotard. These bear the signature of Rocketman himself and are a limited edition.
  • Kimberly Guilfoyle megaphones emblazoned with “THE BEST IS YET TO COME!” on the side. Scream like a banshee with an electric prod up her ass with a voice that says, “I should have left that last line of cocaine on the table!”
  • Super-extra long ties for that super-extra big belly. If you have that beer-belly short-tie problem, we have the solution. Donald J. Trump is offering a clearance sale of all his fifty-foot ties for eighty-percent off retail. That’s right, and we are offering free shipping directly to your door from our factory in Wuhan. Use the code-word “COVID-19” for an extra five percent off.
  • Unused canisters of tear gas and pepper spray for those hard to clean- out crowds hanging around your house. These are also useful to clear out lingering guests during the holidays. Also, we have riot shields, batons, riot helmets, and fake police uniforms to complete your crowd-control wardrobe.
  • Life-size cutouts of Ivanka and Jared Kushner. Helpful in scaring spiders, cockroaches, rats, and assorted vermin out of your home. Also, you can spread these around your yard to keep unwanted visitors away. Also available in punching bags.

So get a head start on your holiday shopping while the Trump family gets a head start out of Washington ahead of the arrest warrants. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own a piece of the history of the last four years so you can show your grandchildren what a fucking nightmare you lived through. And with every order we will send you a “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Hillary!” tee-shirt absolutely free.

Call now, former Trump staffers who are between jobs are standing by to take your orders. And remember, this sale is final and everything must go. And yes, Donald, that includes YOU!

There was big news this week. No, not that Joe Biden finally ended our national nightmare. Not that they delivered a truckload of depends to the White House. The big news was the premiere this week of PlayStation Five! But that was not even the biggest news. PlayStation Five has a new game that is raging all over the gammer world: “Stop the Trump.”

“Stop the Trump” follows the presidency of Donald Trump and the goal is to save the United States from total destruction. As the players move up the levels they are given various weapons to try to save the republic.

Level One: As Donald Trump descends the golden escalator, the players have to try to stop him from announcing that he is running for president. The players must help Mexican drug lords jump over the Mexican border who will try to trip him and make him fall down the steps. If a player collects five drug lords, they get to control Melania and she will happily push Trump herself. If a player succeeds in having Melania push Trump down the steps, that player proceeds to Level Two.

Level Two: Trump has survived the fall and is in the Republican primaries. The players use Trump’s opponents to try to stop him from getting the nomination. Each time Trump sticks a stupid nickname on an opponent they are eliminated. L’il Marco, boom! Low Energy Jed, boom! Lyin’ Ted, boom. Once all his opponents are humiliated, Lindsey Graham attaches himself to Trump’s ass and forces the game to Level Three.

Level Three: Trump has the nomination and the only one who can stop him from becoming president is Hillary Clinton. She is very strong, but watch out! Trump calls her Crooked Hillary and she is weakened. As the summer and fall proceed, Hillary gets stronger mostly because Trump cannot use the English language or form complete sentences. Hillary gets stronger and stronger with the debates and Access Hollywood tapes. But watch out! Vladimir Putin hits Hillary in the head with a brick of emails just as The Comey Letter falls on Hillary crushing her. Trump wins and we proceed to Level Four.

Level Four: The world is in chaos. Trump is banning Muslims and pissing on allies like a Russian hooker. Try to slow him down with lawsuits and finally try to crunch him with The Mueller Report. But watch out for Bill Barr! He BLOCKS the report and Trump gets stronger. Nancy Pelosi steps in and impeaches his ass but fifty-two senators attach their lips to his ass and drag him past the finish line to acquittal! BUT WAIT! What is that coughing and sneezing we hear? It’s a PANDEMIC. Trump is on the run and begins throwing bleach at the players who have to follow the ultraviolet light and get to Level Five and Election Day!

Level Five: It’s Donald Trump versus Joe Biden. And don’t get caught in the crossfire because the insults are flying. But watch out Donald, there’s a virus with your name on it and you got it! Boom! In the hospital with you while Joe just rolls along. But Donald comes back and tries to win the election by killing his own followers. As election night progresses it looks like a red mirage but hold on! Here comes the blue shift! More and more states turn blue, and Joe is declared the winner! Trump refuses to concede but the writing is on Steve Kornacki’s magic wall and it flashes in bright blue letters…

GAME OVER!

Dear Mr. Trump,

Today, November 8, 2020, is the anniversary of your hiring and marks marks the end of your probationary period. The people of the United States have reviewed your job performance over that time and has considered you for retention as an employee of our organization. Attached is a copy of that review. The rating scale for each category is Excellent (10 points), Good (6 points), Needs improvement (1 point), and Holy Shit What the Fuck Were We Thinking When We Hired You? (0 points). Attached is a copy of that review:

  • Job Knowledge: During the past four years, you have not demonstrated the slightest hint that you know anything about why you were hired. You have the I.Q. of a table lamp and not nearly as bright. You have resisted every attempt to train you in the most basic functions of the job and on many occasions had to be told to stop using Twitter during training sessions. You have demonstrated the attention span of a common housefly and the intellectual curiosity of an empty bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Incidentally, we have repeatedly asked you to remove your empty buckets from the break room. And did we mention the fucking Tweeting? (0) points.
  • Work Quality: When we hired you, you took an oath to help make our organization great. Over the last four years, your dismal work habits have caused the organization to go into record debt and insulted our most valued customers. In addition, you have often been caught giving organization secrets to our competitors. In fact, some of your fellow employees have suspected that you actually work for our competitors. During your interim evaluation, you were warned that bringing your children to work and allowing them to play with company equipment has caused billions of dollars in damage. Eric alone caused this company four million dollars in repair bills when he stuck his tongue into one of our computer servers. (0) points.
  • Work Relations: During your last four years we have provided you with staff in an effort to assist you in your job. As a result, the organization has experienced the largest turnover of employees ever experienced during a four year period. Some of them have even shown up on milk cartons. One described you as “the most flawed person I have ever met in my life.” Most just said you sucked. (0) points.
  • Attendance: You have been employed for 1,385 days. In that time you have spent 283 days golfing and cost the organization $142,000,000 in green fees. That leaves 1102 days during which you were caught a total of 1100 days watching Fox News on your computer. Basically, you were never really here. (0) points
  • Overall Rating: Congratulations! You are the first employee to occupy this job to earn zero points on an employee evaluation. The closest to you was Richard Nixon who at least scored a point for quitting voluntarily.

    The attached employee performance review was forwarded to our board of directors on November 3, 2020. The board carefully considered your evaluation and the comments from your supervisors. After three days of careful consideration, the board has reached a conclusion: YOU’RE FIRED!

The next exciting Trump rally is over one hundred miles away and you don’t have a car, possibly missing your last chance to inhale the infected droplets from a fat old man screaming “lock her up!” How will you get there, you wonder, pacing up and down like a Russian hooker with a full bladder. Well, just relieve yourself on that Trump poster and relax because MAGA Coach Lines in partnership with One Way Ticket Solutions has a solution. We are now offering bus trips to all the Trump super-spreader events in a recently fumigated motorcoach for the low, low price of seven hundred and fifty dollars. That’s right, for the price of Trump’s tax bill you can be on your way to a MAGA rally with all your deplorable friends. Here’s what you get to make your super-spreader experience the best ever:

  • A ticket for a ride to the event in an enclosed bus with most of its windows intact. If you are sensitive to drafts, we will try to seat you on the aisle. If aisle space is not available, we will provide plastic sheeting but you must provide your own duct tape.
  • Discount rental of folding chairs. Unfortunately, our motor coaches have had their original seats removed due to a recent bedbug infestation. Please reserve your folding chair when you call for your tickets as supplies are limited.
  • Individualized urine collection bottles for trips of more than two hours. Our restrooms have recently been ordered closed by the Department of Health and the Department of Transportation pending an investigation of a still unidentified rash experienced by several of our passengers.
  • A boxed lunch. We don’t know when it was boxed or if it is actually lunch, but it does have something that was once edible in a probably never opened container. Bon appétit!
  • A discount coupon for 10% off an intubation and Clorox treatment.

Hurry and make your reservations now because there are only two days left to experience the spray of COVID-19 shouted by your favorite cult leader. And remember, as with everything with Donald Trump, this trip only goes one way!