Archive for October, 2018

493

This week the New York Times reported that despite repeated warnings from his staff, he continues to use an unsecured cell phone to call friends to gossip, complain, or check how he is doing. (By the way, the answer is not good). The result is that the Chinese and Russians have been easily eavesdropping on his conversations and using that information to their advantage. For example, on his recent trip to Singapore, Kim Jong Un had Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets delivered to Trump’s hotel room every day. Also, just in case Trump got frisky Kim provided extra small condoms. But after some deep investigative reporting, the Clown Car Update has obtained a transcript of some of the things Trump has said while on his unsecured phone. So here are the top ten things overheard on Trump’s unsecured cell phone:

10. No, no. Original recipe. Extra crispy reminds me of Wilbur Ross!

9.   Hello. I am calling about your penis enhancement cream. Does it come in orange?

8.   I don’t care what Kim told you, Vlad, it was only a hug. I never touched his ass!

7.   Hello. Capitol Dry Cleaners? Do you remove pee-pee stains?

6.   John, bring in my EX-Lax. I’m full of shit.

5.   I would like to order five-hundred pizzas with pepperoni. My name? Biden. Joe Biden.

4.   Yes, failing New York Times? This is John Barron. What Stormy Daniels didn’t tell you is there was shrinkage!

3.   Hello Rudy? We’re suing. Jeff Bezos just put the pee tape on Amazon Streaming.

2.   That’s right, it’s a hostage situation. Yes, a swat team to the office of Nancy Pelosi.

1.    Eric? Eric who?

And this is only the tip of the iceberg. According to staffers who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity the president is also using an unsecured toilet. I guess you may say we are in for a few more leaks!

492

This week, Elizabeth Warren released the results of a DNA test that showed once and for all that she indeed has Native American ancestors. However, that did not stop the Orangutan-in-Chief from continuing his mocking of her heritage. Which started us here at the Clown Car thinking: Remember Donald’s reputation from the early 70s to the present day as being, shall we say, a slutty creep? And given his propensity for unprotected sex, the question that comes to mind is: How many little Donald’s or Donaldettes might be wandering the streets today, being obnoxious and drooling on themselves. Why it may even be YOU! So as a public service, the Clown Car Update is proud to offer at no cost to you, a free service called “45andMe” a DNA (Donald’s Not my Ancestor) testing service.

First, there were the stories your mother told you about the orange-skinned man with hair like a skunk who groped her at Studio 54 in the 80s. Then came the sleepless nights wondering, “Is Donald Trump my real father?”  And admit it, you have spent endless hours staring in the mirror looking for the faintest hint of orange pigment. Well at “45andMe” we take out all the guesswork. How do we do it? Well, we have scoured the urinals in the men’s rooms of the most famous clubs of the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Then we entered the information into our database.  All you have to do is pee on a bedsheet and send it to us in a discreet, moisture-proof bag and we do the rest. We will match your sample to Trumps’ DNA samples kept discreetly deep in the basement of the Kremlin. Then we post the results to your account and hopefully deliver the good news that you are not the spawn of Donald Trump.

But what if you ARE the rotting fruit of his mushroom-shaped loins? Disaster? No, because your “45andMe” results will tell you if you are a carrier for any of the following mutations:

  • Tiny Penis Syndrome
  • Fat Donnie Belly Flap
  • Kentucky Fried Chicken Breath
  • Enlarged Ass Syndrome
  • Russian Hooker Worm
  • Mushroom Penis Syndrome
  • Half-brother to Eric

So send for your free testing kit today and get the guesswork out of your life. Our labs are fully equipped and run by professionals like former Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price and meet the strict standards of the EPA with a “mostly clean” rating. So, whether you are Fat Donnie’s spawn or not, we will provide you the answers that will let you know where your life is heading. Get your kit and send it to us and as Donald Trump always says, “We’ll see what happens!”

 

 

 

491

The Life and Times of Brett Gump

(as told by Brett Gump at his Senate hearing)

Hello. My name is Brett Gump. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me beer. I grew up in rural Maryland and I lived in a nice house with my mom and dad, who kept a calendar that I will get to later. But that’s not the reason I am here today. I am here today to shout and cry about what a good boy I’ve been all my life, which was very hard but very interesting.

First, I love sports, especially running. I run fast, especially from my past. Not that my past was bad, because I knew interesting people. There was Squee, Biff, PJ, and my best friend, Bubba. Oh, and Elvis Presley. Yes, he liked to sing and I taught him how to play the guitar. I know that sounds like a lie, but you can’t prove it because he’s dead and the FBI has no way of investigating that. Like I was saying, I loved sports. I loved my friends, especially Bubba, and we all loved and respected girls, especially the one I mentioned in my yearbook, which was definitely not a sexual reference because I didn’t even know what sex was until after Yale Law School when I first met Ken Starr and Alex Kosinski. We called it the  “Devil’s Triangle!”

Back in high school, I loved to lift weights and run, especially with Bubba when we ran to pick up a keg. After a workout, sometimes we would meet at PJ’s house for skis. That’s short for “brewskis.” “Brewskis” is a funny word for beer. I liked beer, I still like beer. Do you like beer? Beer is the fruit of the keg. Anyway, like I was saying, Bubba would always tell us all the ways to drink beer. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, beer-kabobs, beer creole, beer gumbo. Pan fried beer, deep-fried beer, stir-fried beer. There’s pineapple beer, lemon beer, coconut beer, pepper beer, beer soup, beer stew, beer salad, beer and potatoes, beer burger, beer sandwich. Oh, and you can “boof” it. That- that’s about it.

I remember these things because I always kept a calendar, just like my father. Like my father always said, “life is like a calendar, you never know what you’re gonna get!” I never knew what that meant because you did know because the calendar has the number of the days on it. But I kept one anyway to remember all the things we did, except assaulting girls, which we never did because we respected them and again, I never knew about sex until Ken Starr. That’s how I know that all the women accusing me of assault are lying because if it was true, it would be on my calendar, which it is not.

I worked my butt off to get into Yale. I got in on my own because I never knew anyone there, except my grandfather but he is dead so the FBI can’t interview him.  I never met any girls at Yale. I was too busy playing sports, going to church, and doing my projects. One of my favorite projects was hanging pictures of Donald Trump the real estate tycoon on my dorm room wall. I always admired Donald Trump. Also his name rimes with Gump which is kinda nice.

Anyway, I guess because I got my law degree from Yale without ever having sex, I finally met President Trump who gave me a Supreme Court nomination, which is why I am here today. Also here today is my wife and my two lovely daughters who I have no idea where they came from because my wife and I never had sex. In closing, that is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing that the FBI will be allowed to investigate. Thank you!