Archive for January, 2016

Here on Episode 371, no one would ever have thought that 8 years later, Tina Fey would still be on Saturday Night Live doing her impression of Sarah Palin? Well, she’s back. No, I don’t mean Tina Fey,  I’m talking about “Godzilla from Wasilla”, “The Disasta’ from Alaska”, the “Half-Wit Princess” herself, Sarah Palin and she’s fightin’ for our freedoms also, too!  Dressed like a molting Parrot, she screeched and wailed away stringing together words that in the history of the English language have never been used together.

And what awakened the Bride of Teabagistan?   Well, you know she can’t resist being the center of attention any more than Bristol can resist the back seat of a minivan. So with all the gusto of a Palin family brawl and loaded up on a three dollar box of wine, she gave a disturbingly incoherent endorsement of Donald Trump. She jumped and shook and squealed a mountain  of random words faster that lettuce flying out of a salad shooter. Sarah, who made the phrase “putting lipstick on a pig” famous,  found a new pig in Trump.

Now for those of you who may have missed it, or have been deliberately avoiding the pain of hearing it, I thought I would share with you the highlights of her speech to an adoring audience of Iowa Neanderthals. As Donald Trump and the blond orangutan residing on his head looked on adoringly, Sarah Palin delivered one of her classic tongue twisting word dumps.  I picked out the best of the speech and went over to Google Translate for “Palinese to English”. Here then are some of the best lines of the night, translated into English by Google Translate:

  • “I was told left and right, “you are going to get so clobbered… You are just going to get beat up, and chewed up, and spit out”.
    • Google Translation: “When I am sober, I am occasionally aware of the stupid things I say and have learned to expect widespread ridicule”.
  • “… we bend over and say, “Thank you, enemy”.
    • Google Translation: “When Todd and I have sex, his pet name is “enemy”
  • “Right wingin’, bitter clingin’, proud clingers of our guns, our god, and our religions, and our Constitution”.
    • Google Translation: “I often use the our Constitution to wipe my clingers”
  • “…he builds things, he builds big things, things that touch the sky, big infrastructure that puts other people to work.
    • Google Translation: “He make fire! Big fire! Big fire to sky.  He big leader in cave with cave people. He good, fire bad people!”
  • “Well, and then, funny, ha ha, not funny, but now, what they’re doing is wailing, “well,   Trump and uh, uh, his Trumpeters,”
    • Google Translation: “This is not translatable. The person who uttered these words is having a mental breakdown and should be sedated”. 
  • “…we’re paying for some of their squirmishes that have been going on for centuries. Where they’re fightin’ each other and yellin’ “Allah Akbar”
    • Google Translation:”Sarah wants a Klondike Bar”

It will come as no surprise to anyone who has been following Ms. Half-Gov around for any length of time that her audience seemed to love every word.  It may be that they understand words like “squirmish”, “refudiate”, and “misremember”. But even Donald Trump, who will never be admitted to MENSA, had the look of someone trying to pass a kidney stone. Was that the way Trump looks when he’s in pain, or just the way a pig looks with lipstick!

 

 

 

 

This week on Episode 370 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we imagine what it would be like if Donald Trump were to be president for the next State of the Union address.  It is a nightmare scenario that is designed to get you out and vote in November!

The Trump 2018 State of the Union Address

Mr. Speaker, Mister Vice President, Members of Congress, and my fellow European Americans:

On January 20 of last year, I was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States.  This is new to me, because I have never been 45th in my life. I’ve always been first. But I think of it as I’m the first GREAT president of the United States. It doesn’t matter, I’m just saying.

Anyway, let me begin by saying that when I was sworn in a year ago, this country was a disaster.  Believe it or not, we had no military.  None. I couldn’t believe it. We were down to one tank and old musket.  I found most of our smartest generals were locked in the White House basement forced to listen to Joan Baez. She is a disgusting hippy slut.  Anyway, tonight I am proud to report that in one year I have made a tremendous military that is beautiful with new uniforms with a big gold “T” on them!

In July I sent the blueprints for a big wall along with the contractor’s estimate to Mexico.  I think I was fair, I got three estimates just like the last time my limo ran into a homeless guy.  I am assured by the Mexican president that he will look over the estimates and have a check in the mail by this February.  I really think Mexicans love me, because i could hear them all laughing all the time we were on the phone.

I also had a very long talk with Putin.  He’s a really nice guy and said he finally has someone he can talk to man to man.  We even made plans to go hunting together in Russia without shirts.  We didn’t set a date because he said he first would need to find a Russian journalist to hunt, ha, ha”.  He’s a funny guy.  I suggested Joe Scarborough. Just joking, well maybe.  Then as a gesture of love for me, he invaded Poland. Great guy.  Thanks Vladimir.

On the economy, this weekend I directed my Secretary of the Treasury to start printing bills with my picture on every denomination.  I know my enemies are saying this was because I am a narcissist, whatever that is, but it’s really to piss off the Chinese when they have to look at my face every time tourists spend money in Beijing.  The joke’s on you, Mao. It is Mao, isn’t it? No? It doesn’t matter.

As far as terrorism, just last month, I crushed ISIS with a 30 day eviction notice to get out of Iraq with a warning that either they leave or we will build casinos right on top of them. The bulldozers are coming slime balls,  whether you relocate or not.  Baghdad Trump Towers. Has a ring to it.  It will be huge, and it will be beautiful.

And finally, I have directed my Vice President, Gary Busey, and newly elected Speaker of the House Meatloaf, to work together to repeal Obamacare and replace it with Trumpcare, a tremendous plan where everyone gets to keep their current doctor, especially people who don’t have one.  They will be working very closely with my Surgeon General, Dr. Ben Carson, who knows lots of stuff about medicine and pyramids and is now awake a lot of the time.

So I can report to you that the state of the union was terrible, but now, since I’m president, it’s wonderful with wonderful talented people who are great negotiators.  These are important people who I can’t mention, but are big and experts on greatness. I know many people who have told me that the country is greater already since Obama  left the White House. Oh, and he left it looking like something that was built in the 1800’s. It was disgusting and had no gold leaf on it, but it is now a beautiful home with a big gold door in front.  I am still waiting for you guys to approve that “Trump” logo that will go on the roof.  Get that passed and I’ll sign it on my birthday!  And for all the people in America who still don’t like me, you are terrible people and not nice, and will probably be hearing from FBI director G. Gordon Liddy.  And by the way, everyone in attendance tonight gets a free “We Made America Great Again” hat on the way out, except democrats who are disgusting and by executive order will soon be banned from entering the country.  So good night, and God Bless America, or we will find someone who will and you’ll be fired!

 

 

 

 

 

 

This week on Episode 369 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we cover the siege at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, led by the son of serial moocher Cliven Bundy.  But surprisingly, this band of trained militia and survivalist seems to have not planned their insurrection very well.  You see, they seemed to have forgotten that in a desolate area like the refuge, you have to bring enough food.  So, a few days into the Siege of Nowhere, the rebels have made a plea for snacks.

Now folks, if you are planning an event such as Ammon Bundy’s you should never be caught unprepared.  For this reason, I have launched a new service called “Snacks for True United Patriots In Distress” or “S.T.U.P.I.D.”

Whether you are planning the overthrow of a large government, starting a civil war, or just taking the family for a weekend takeover of a national park’s gift shop, you can leave the planning to us. We have the finest prepackaged culinary treats prepared by our very patriotic staff, all of whom are direct decedents of a founding father. So you can defend our freedoms and feel you are eating a part of history at the same time!

You can choose from our three All American packages:

  • The Tyranny Buster:  If Jade Helm taught us anything, it’s that fighting tyranny can a months long endeavor.  Our Tyranny Buster package prepares you for a long summer of fear mongering and conspiracy theories. There are enough supplies for up to 500 gun toting patriots ready to do battle with an imaginary invasion or an Obama executive order. It includes our famous “You’re a Jerky” dried beef and “Liberty Chicken Wings” which come with with “mild”, “hot”, and  the super-hot “don’t tread on me” sauce. This package includes a free kit for making three pointed hats out of tin foil.
  • The Liberty Wagon:  This package is ideal for smaller gatherings, like an open carry demonstration or a mammoth Tea Party Rally with only a few dozen participants. It has many of the same tasty snacks that are in our larger package as well as small packages of “Froot Loops” and “Tax Cheetos” for those hungry moments between live Fox News interviews.  Graze to your heart’s content whether in the pick-up or under a plastic blue tarp*
    *Tarp sold separately
  • The Bundy Family Cart:  Are you just planning a gift shop takeover with the wife and kids and maybe a friend of the family? Well then this is the package for you.  We include chicken nuggets made with with all white meat,  freedom fries, and a generous serving of our tasty pure white vanilla pudding.  Everything is fresh and pure white, just like you.  And since you may be using the kids as a human shield at some point, our food is patriotically packed in high quality Kevlar back packs.

So you worry about getting the family ready with the latest camouflage attire and ammunition, and leave the rest to us.  Don’t beg like a Bundy for snacks on your next anti-government takeover. Just give us a call and we will make sure your uprising has all the nutrition to win the revolution. And remember to say “Obama’s a Muslim”, and we’ll throw in a case of Wild Turkey for those long nights when the electricity is cut and everyone has forgotten you’re there.

Remember, we are S.T.U.P.I.D and we are all in this together, because S.T.U.P.I.D is where stupid does!