Archive for August, 2020

Like it or not, there was a Republican convention this week. And just like the splash when you flush a toilet, no matter how hard you tried, it was almost impossible to avoid. It was sprinkled all over the cable news outlets like a Russian hooker on Donald Trump’s mattress. So what do you about the stench of Republican all over your body? If you put an ultraviolet light on yourself you will see orange stains all over. But don’t despair, the Clown Car Update has a solution that will fix you up in no time and have you feeling fresh and clean as if the entire shit-show was flushed down the Potomac River. Introducing GOPOFF, the soap that will clean off the stains of Republicans no matter how ground-in they may be from watching too much C-Span. GOPOFF works on hair, skin, eyes, clothing, upholstery, and of course mattresses and bedding. It is effective on:

  • Guilfoyle mites
  • Pence pimples
  • Kushner crabs
  • Hood rash
  • Jungle Jim Jordon rot
  • Eric scale
  • Marcia black burn
  • Tom Cottonmouth
  • Matt Gaetz crotch
  • Graham crust

GOPOFF works on rug stains from throwing up at the sight of Don Jr. and upholstery stains from shitting your pants when Kimberly Guilfoyle scared the shit out of you. And GOPOFF comes in bars, body wash, aerosol cans, and handy wipes for cleaning up those smaller spots left by Rudy Guiliani spittle. And after your shower or bath, roll or spray on our GOPOFF antiperspirant and keep the stench of the GOP off all day. It’s like saying “I ain’t been near one of those fuckers!”

So stock up on our GOPOFF family of hygiene products before the election rush because, with all the crap you’ll be exposed to, you will need to be prepared. And remember, the only way to be permanently rid of GOP stench is to wash them away on November 3.

Remember a few weeks ago the Clown Car Update featured a Trump Kool-aid drinker and pillow aficionado by the name of Mike Lindell. You may know him by his snake-oil sleazebag name “My Pillow Guy.” Well, you may remember his memorable remarks about how bigly awsome Donald Trump was and how God and the bible sent him here to save us all from pissing Russian hookers. At that time we offered a limited-time-only edition of his “My Biblical Pillow,” the talking pillow that reads you biblical passages as you fall asleep.

Well, thanks to providence and a friend of Mike’s, named “Cheech,” he is back and this time with a divine revelation and a cure for COVID-19. Lindell and HUD Secretary Ben Carson, the only man in history who lobotomized himself, sold Trump on an extract from the plant oleander, which is highly toxic. Despite all those left-wing radical scientists warning that oleander will kill, Lindell insists that this supplement is “the real deal” and will absolutely cure anyone of COVID-19. It will not, however, cure stupid. But everyone in Trumpistan is all-in on the product and damn if Anderson Cooper didn’t have a hell of a pillow fight with pillow man!

But here at the Clown Car we just don’t want to fight. All we endeavor to do is offer the Trump Cult the latest in Trump lunacy and miracle cures. So we are proud to present the Mike Lindell family of medicines and supplements. Here are some of the life-altering remedies and products Mike and his Holy Snake Oil Crusaders have to offer you:

  • My Hemlock cough drops: If you have ever had that terrible scratchy sore throat that comes with the onset of COVID-19 or any flu or cold, this is the cough drop for you. Just pop a hemlock cough drop in your mouth and feel your sore throat slip away along with your breathing and pulse. Soon you will feel like you are floating above your own body and seeing long-dead relatives and friends. When this happens, just follow the instructions on the package and go toward the light. Sold in packages of one only.
  • My Ricin Sprinkles: Mike’s only mission in life has been to guarantee you a great night’s sleep with his pillows and sheets. But he also knows that if you have COVID-19, even his pillows may not get you the night’s rest you need. So brew some tea and then sprinkle just a touch of Mike’s ricin crystals in your cup and out go the lights. It will be the longest and deepest sleep you will ever have. And don’t set that alarm because believe Mike, you won’t be needing it. Night, night!
  • My Nasal Cyanide Wash: Can’t sleep because COVID-19 has left your nose all stuffy? Well, suffer no more! Just fill Mike’s nasal wash with his FDA approved cyanide packets and inhale the almond-smelling mist until your nose is clear and you feel yourself drifting into such a deep sleep that you will think you are in a coma. And remember to save the receipt in case your next-of-kin want to return the unused portion after your estate is settled.

Also, Mike wants you to know that from now on, all his pillow and sheet products will be infused with oleander to give you that extra kick-start to heaven. And to all the Trump cultists, don’t despair if these wonderful COVID-19 cures never make it to the market because someone at the FDA recognizes you are all a bunch of raving loons. Just do us all a favor and purchase one of his pillows and have someone hold it over your face. Night, night!

It was the longest pandemic in history! Well, at least by the telling of one Donald J. Trump. This week, at his daily propaganda session this past Monday, Donald incorrectly claimed that the Spanish Flu Pandemic started in 1917 (it actually began in the spring of 1918) and probably ended World War II (It actually ended in 1919 overlapping the end of WWI). WWII, by the way, started in 1939 and ended in August of 1945. But facts in this administration last as long as Donnie’s last Value Meal he just flushed down the toilet. But is this the only historical fantasy he believes? Not by a long shot. Interviews with at least a dozen current and former White House aides have uncovered many inaccurate historical facts the president actually believes. Here are some of his beliefs he has told his inner circle:

  • Abraham Lincoln was shot by Benedict Arnold at a Beyonce concert. After shooting Lincoln, Arnold jumped onto the stage and yelled “Kanye West for President!”
  • Aaron Burr was President George Jefferson’s vice-president and later went on to star in the hit television series “Ironside” which got great ratings. President Jefferson also had a hit show, “The Jeffersons” but I didn’t like that one too much.
  • World War I was started by the assassination of Archduke Ellington at the Cotton Club in Sarajevo.
  • The Civil War started because Abraham Lincoln was soft on Antifa and Black Life Matters rioters who tore down statues of Robert E. Lee. Lincoln was a loser who got lucky when Crooked Ulysius Grant tricked Lee into surrendering thinking he was signing for a Visa credit card.
  • Democrat Gen. George Washington crossed the Delaware River on Christmas Day as part of the war on Christmas.
  • A lot of people don’t know this but Hannibal was a great Republican general who crossed the Alps with elephants that after his victories became the symbol of the GOP.

In other misguided beliefs, Donnie believes that Russian hooker piss is sterile, all penises are the size of mushrooms, and he took his own SAT’s. But there is one historical fact that no one can get wrong, that is in 2016 the country elected a clown.

Recently, a group of who we can loosely call “physicians” and calling themselves America’s Frontline Doctors held a gathering on the steps of the Supreme Court at the “White Coat Summit,” the purpose of which was to dispute the medical consensus on the novel coronavirus. The event was organized by the right-wing group Tea Party Patriots, which is backed by wealthy Republican donors. The highlighted speaker, Stella Immanuel, an alleged pediatrician, declared that wearing a mask is not necessary and that Hydroxychloroquine was a miracle cure for COVID-19. Needless to say, Stella soon replaced Dr. Anthony Fauci as Donald Trump’s go-to doctor. The problem, however, is that Stella has some other, shall we say, odd beliefs that would make you think twice before letting her poke your kid with a syringe.

Among Stella’s beliefs are that our medicine is made from alien DNA, and gynecological problems like cysts and endometriosis are in fact caused by people having sex in their dreams with demons and witches.  But Old Trumpy just fell in love with Stella and declared, “I thought she was very impressive,” and “I thought her voice was an important voice, but I know nothing about her.” Of course, he said the same thing about Stormy Daniels.

But here at the Clown Car we always endeavor to cater to even the most exotic tastes and do not want any of our readers, much less those that are part of the Trump Family Cult, to miss out on important information. Therefore, together with Dr. Stella Immnuel, we are proud to offer our own alien DNA testing service for Trumpers, 23Aliensandme.com. Now for a limited time, you can have Dr. Stella examine your saliva and see what planet you came from and what your tendencies may be. We offer three packages depending on how detailed you would like your report. For example:

Basic Ancestry with Traits: For example, for a low, low price of $99 we offer to trace your DNA all the way back to the planet you came from. For example, if your ancestors are from Planet Gohmert Minor we will find your ancestry and give you the common traits for Planet Gohmert such as genetic disposition to excessive drooling, non-critical thinking, and mind-twisting stupidity. Incidentally, in case you are related to Louis Gohmert, we offer specific instructions on where to find your mouth.

Health Plus Ancestry Service: For $199 this package includes everything in the basic package plus health tendencies. This includes your genetic probability of producing genetically deficient offspring (think Eric) or developing serious chronic conditions such as orange skin syndrome, Whopper Gut, and Penguin Posture.

VIP Health plus Ancestry Service: With this service at $499 you get two kits and a trip back to whatever alien world Trump cultists come from. Also included is an extra kit so you can test another deplorable along with you! Yes, now you can share the DNA with a family member, friend, or a member of your Klan. Hell, get a bunch of these kits and take the entire basket of deplorables back to wherever you came from. You can then enjoy the very swamp world where your defective DNA was sprouted.

And remember, while 23Aliensandme.com offers the finest quality control and backs up the results with a 100% guarantee, we caution everyone that your results may be disappointing but as Trump says, it is what it is!

If you are newly single and are not sure how to get back into the demon dating game, then Dr. Stella Immanuel has a solution for you. Who is she? Well, Stella is Donald Trump’s new go-to COVID-19 expert, claiming to have cured hundreds of her patients with Donnie’s favorite drug, Hydroxychloroquine. Among Stella’s beliefs are that our medicine is made from alien DNA, and gynecological problems like cysts and endometriosis are in fact caused by people having sex in their dreams with demons and witches. 

Well, Stella doesn’t want you to be left out of the wonderful world of demon dream sex just because you are shy or just haven’t been in the demon dating game for a while. So she has developed the first dating site for that special demon connection, Our Demon Time. Just download the app and enter your demon preferences and you will be dreaming of sex with attractive demons in your area. Don’t spend your nights alone, bang a demon while you sleep, and start enjoying bedtime again.

At Our Demon Time, you are only connected to the demons that most fit your specific personality and personal profile. Whether you like demons with horns, tails, or just a pair of scary wings, Our Demon Time will find the perfect match for you made in hell. And you can meet your dream demon knowing that all your information is kept in strict confidence and only used to assure you a devil of a partner.

So quit hanging out in the woods being part of the coven scene, spending the night with boring devil worshipers hoping for a one-night stand with some creepy demon wannabe or, worse yet, a pissing Russian hooker. Join Our Demon Time and we guarantee you will not only find a mate for your soul, but you may also find a demon to sell it to. And don’t believe us, just ask the Republican party. They sold theirs years ago!