This week, the Republican party, in conjunction with giant oil companies and friends of Mary Landrieu, have been pushing to fast-track the Keystone XL Pipeline. It is designed to carry filthy Canadian oil accross U S territory to be sold on the open market. The Republicans have tried to sell this disaster-in-waiting as a “jobs bill”. Well, if you belive that, I have a WMD to sell you. To be fair, the pipeline will create some jobs so as a public service, I thought I would share with you the most interesting. Look at them closely because you never know if you will qualify:
Pipeline Leak Controller: Job duties will involve rapid response to leaks in the newly constructed pipeline. These activities will require the applicant to hold his/her finger in a leak until appropriate help arrives to relieve you. Since this may take some time, the candidate must posses large fingers and the ability to stand for long hours while our PR department can develop the right spin on the disaster. This is a highly specialized position. Dike experience desirable but not necessary. Anticipated openings are unlimited.
Disaster PR Spokesman: Job duties include accompanying the Pipeline Leak Controller to handle inquiries from the snooping press or nearby residents concerned with the oil slick spilling on their property. Experience in lying and obfuscation are essential in this job. For this reason we are heavily recruiting members of the former Bush administration and Fox News anchors. For the interview, please practice saying “Great job, Brownie!”.
Actors: To appear in various PR ads posing as local residence who just love the new pipeline and the beautiful addition it has made to the view from your patio door. Must be able to convince unsuspecting viewers that the smell of oil and constant threat of a disastrous spills have enhanced your way of life. There will be no threat to your health since all ads will be shot in a studio, safely away from the actual pipeline.
Members of Congress: All these positions are currently filled. If additional openings occur, you will be contacted by the Koch brothers for application instructions and funding.
Hazmat Workers: Job duties include mopping up messy oil spills with paper towels. Since this is a Koch related operation, experience with Bounty paper products is preferred. If you want protectve gear, you must provide it yourself.
Scapegoats: The job involves posing as officials of oil companies who take full responsibility for disasters and later resign under pressure. Works closely with the Disaster PR Spokesman developing stories for the press making you the person responsible for the accident. You may from time to time be required to accept a jail sentence, in which instance your family will be compensated.
Disaster Scene Coordinator: Job duties include cordoning off the scene of a disaster so the press or local residence will not be able to actually see the extent of the damage. You will work with the Scapegoat and the Disaster PR Spokesman to keep all interested parties at the perimeter you establish.
Attorneys: Lots and lots of attorneys. Need we say why? Just apply, a job is assured.
Relief Fund Distributor: This is a “no show” job that can be done from home. Applicants will be asked to sign a waiver allowing us to use your name as the director of the voluntary restitution fund the oil company will pretend to set up to look like it cares about the effect of any pipeline disaster. Since no funds will actually be distributed, you will be paid for use of your name only on an “as used” basis.
Accountants: The pipeline is designed to make oil companies huge profits. As a result, you will be charged with the duty of making sure none of the profits are paid to any government in the form of taxes.
The Keystone XL Pipeline is an Equal Opportunity Polluter.