Archive for November, 2014

This week, the Republican party, in conjunction with giant oil companies and friends of Mary Landrieu, have been pushing to fast-track the Keystone XL Pipeline. It  is designed to carry filthy Canadian oil accross U S territory to be sold on the open market. The Republicans have tried to sell this disaster-in-waiting as a “jobs bill”. Well, if you belive that, I have a WMD to sell you. To be fair, the pipeline will create some jobs so as a public service, I thought I would share with you the most interesting. Look at them closely because you never know if you will qualify:

Pipeline Leak Controller: Job duties will involve rapid response to leaks in the newly constructed pipeline. These activities will require the applicant to hold his/her finger in a leak until appropriate help arrives to relieve you. Since this may take some time, the candidate must posses large fingers and the ability to stand for long hours while our PR department can develop the right spin on the disaster. This is a highly specialized position. Dike experience desirable but not necessary. Anticipated openings are unlimited.

Disaster PR Spokesman: Job duties include accompanying the Pipeline Leak Controller to handle inquiries from the snooping press or nearby residents concerned with the oil slick spilling on their property. Experience in lying and obfuscation are essential in this job. For this reason we are heavily recruiting members of the former Bush administration and Fox News anchors. For the interview, please practice saying “Great job, Brownie!”.

Actors: To appear in various PR ads posing as local residence who just love the new pipeline and the beautiful addition it has made to the view from your patio door. Must be able to convince unsuspecting viewers that the smell of oil and constant threat of a disastrous spills have enhanced your way of life.  There will be no threat to your health since all ads will be shot in a studio, safely away from the actual pipeline.

Members of Congress: All these positions are currently filled. If additional openings occur, you will be contacted by the Koch brothers for application instructions and funding.

Hazmat Workers: Job duties include mopping up messy oil spills with paper towels. Since this is a Koch related operation, experience with Bounty paper products is preferred. If you want protectve gear, you must provide it yourself.

Scapegoats: The job involves posing as officials of oil companies who take full responsibility for disasters and later resign under pressure. Works closely with the Disaster PR Spokesman developing stories for the press making you the person responsible for the accident. You may from time to time be required to accept a jail sentence, in which instance your family will be compensated.

Disaster Scene Coordinator: Job duties include cordoning off the scene of a disaster so the press or local residence will not be able to actually see the extent of the damage. You will work with the Scapegoat and the Disaster PR Spokesman to keep all interested parties at the perimeter you establish.

Attorneys: Lots and lots of attorneys. Need we say why? Just apply, a job is assured.

Relief Fund Distributor: This is a “no show” job that can be done from home. Applicants will be asked to sign a waiver allowing us to use your name as the director of the voluntary restitution fund the oil company will pretend to set up to look like it cares about the effect of any pipeline disaster. Since no funds will actually be distributed, you will be paid for use of your name only on an “as used” basis.

Accountants: The pipeline is designed to make oil companies huge profits. As a result, you will be charged with the duty of making sure none of the profits are paid to any government in the form of taxes.

The Keystone XL Pipeline is an Equal Opportunity Polluter.

This week on Episode 316 of the Tim Corrimal Show we witness the opening salvo in the 2014 War on Christmas. Not since the Moors invaded the Iberian Peninsula have we seen a war like this.  No, not Afghanistan or Iraq. I’m talking real war! The War on Christmas. The first battle has been fought and it pitted the allied forces of Christians and Jews against the Muslims.  This time the battle was in Montgomery County, Maryland.

It all started when members of the Muslim community in the Montgomery School District requested that the school calendar reflect the Muslim holy day of Eid al-Adha.   Now this request had been made years earlier with no progress toward a resolution. But this year, the Wise Men (and women) of the Montgomery School Board decided that rather than include the Muslim holiday, they would instead purge the calendar of all religious holidays. There, no more holidays for you for one year!

Enter the Christmas Warrior himself, the commander of Seal Team Santa, Bill O’Reilly. With a stake of holly as his weapon and a brain made of Christmas pudding, our hero jumped into the fray with all the zeal of a department store Santa at the end of his shift. Bill swore to avenge the wanton cravings of these Islamic hordes (well. they were actually just the parents of some of the students, but that kills the dramatic effect).  And what was Gen. O’Reilly’s objection to including the Muslim holidays? Simple, there aren’t nearly as many Muslim children in Montgomery County as Christians and Jews. That’s right, you have to have a specific number to count as a religion. Of course, by that standard, we should exclude Rudolf because there are may more non-illuminated reign deer than the red nosed variety.

Anyway Bill is angry that “these people” just wiped out all of our traditions. And where does it end. Hindus? Buddhists? The next thing you know all the religions of the world will want to be recognized. And then what, gay weddings on Christmas Day? Over Bill’s dead Christmas goose! He will fight to the death, or at least until the Fox News holiday office party which they better call a Christmas party or Bill will respond with tinsel grenades and mortars filled with broken ornaments.

So there you have it. Christmas will prevail or Bill will be die fighting and be buried in Wal-Mart’s best Christmas giftwrap. The other religions of the world are no match for the fury of a raving Christian with a desk at Fox News! Game on!

This week on Episode 315 of The Tim Corrimal Show we discussed the curious strategy of democrats all over the country running their campaigns as if they did not belong to the same party as the president. Judging from the results I would say that that tactic had some major flaws. So I thought it would be fun to look into the democratic playbook and pick the top ten strategies for pretending not to be a democrat:

10.  Tell everyone that the “D” after your name stands for “Dixie”

9.  Scatter “Romney/Ryan 2012” bumper stickers around the floor of your campaign bus.

8.  In every campaign ad, be sure to shoot something.

7.  President WHO?!

6.  Everyone who comes to a rally gets a free gun!

5. In every campaign speech mention Ronald Reagan.

4.  Promise to vote for a new war by the end of your first term.

3.  Castrate a pig.

2.  Castrate yourself (Oh, that’s right, your a democrat, you already did that!)

1.  If someone asks if you voted for President Obama, cough real loud, scream Ebola, and run out of the room.

Yes, running away from a president who gave us 55 straight months of job growth, a 150% rise in the stock market, and 20 million people access to medical care was truly inspired. As Jonathan Swift once wrote: “When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him.” Well, dunces, I can’t wait to see what you and Chuck Todd have cooked up for 2016!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Tim Corrimal Show is off this week, but GOP clowns never take time off (unlike the GOP House of Representatives). Apparently it is now acceptable, even admirable,  for people holding public office to tell their fellow citizens to “sit down and shut up”. As demonstrated recently, Chris Christie and the Palin clan has elevated bad behavior into a right wing badge of honor. So, with this in mind, I thought I would present my first (and probably last) annual “Sit Down and Shut Up!” awards:

  • To Louie Gomert, who thinks his pants are infested by the Muslim Brotherhood, Hamas is smuggling terrorist babies into our country, Erick Holder has demeaned his asparagus, and has spread this stupidity from Texas to Cairo, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
  • To Steve King, who truly believes that immigrants come to this country to dump their cantaloupe sized calves cache of marijuana, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
  •  To Chuck Todd whose dream to become a legitimate journalist was destroyed when he was captured by a Tea Party Jihadist Cult and and forced to make ads for Mitch McConnell, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
  • To Lindsey Graham and John McCain, who have dedicated the last six years of their life to making Chicken Little look like an optimist, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
  • To Chris Matthews who just this morning on MSNBC blamed the president for a lack of immigration reform because the GOP fears it will make more democrats, using the same argument as…wait for it…RUSH LIMBAUGH, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
  • To the misogynists on Fox News , who think domestic violence is a joke, demean the bravery of women combatants,  and who are a group of old white men suffering from penis envy, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
  • And finally, to Chris Christie, who according to Bloomberg News and JournalGazette.net has seen New Jersey’s median income fall 12.2 % this year alone, his state’s bond rating cut eight times, his state’s job growth only one third of neighboring New York, and has failed to meet the state’s pension obligations while cutting business taxes by $1.6 billion, here is a BIG, BIG, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

So there you have it, my “Sit Down and Shut Up!” awards for 2014. If I do this every year, they will need a formal name. I am open to suggestions, but I am leaning to “The Christies”.

The Tim Corrimal Show will return next week with more hilarity from the whacky right wing, but until then GET OUT AND VOTE ON TUESDAY!