Archive for September, 2014

This week on Episode 311 of the Tim Corrimal Show, our featured clown is Scott Brown. When we last saw Scott, Sen. Elizabeth Warren was escorting him to the exit of the U S Senate. In 2009, the voters in Massachusetts thought it would be a perfect practical joke to send a Tea Party conservative to the senate to replace Ted Kennedy. It was sort of a giant whoopee cushion for the entire country.

He was a Tea Party darling, knocking door to door in his pick up truck and pink leather shorts. The joke quickly started to unravel on election night when, during his victory speech, he became the first senator-elect to pimp out his daughters on national TV. Massachusetts soon found out that Scott’s ties to Wall Street were not as easy to hide as his genitalia in Cosmo. Thankfully the voters of Massachusetts, in a gesture of sincere contrition, gave us Elizabeth Warren as a peace offering. Apology accepted.

But like shingles, you can never be completely rid of Scott. He hides for years, undetected, popping up when you least expect to cause pain and suffering. So he arrived in New Hampshire, with a pick up truck loaded with trombones and uniforms ready to lead his band of voters on an imaginary march to panic. This week Scott ran a campaign ad cashing in on the always useful Republican hysteria of Islam and specifically, ISIS. Scott accused his opponent Jean Shaheen and President Obama of being “confused” about the ISIS threat. But Scotty is not confused. He knows exactly what to do. He would secure the border.

Now I’m not sure which border he’s concerned about. ISIS as you know is operating between Iraq and Syria. So which border does Scott think needs securing? There are three possibilities. One, he thinks the threat is from ISIS crossing over from Canada, Vermont, Maine, or Massachusetts. Two, he believes there is an Islamic stronghold in Mexico and he’s running for a Senate seat in Arizona. Three, and most disturbing, he thinks New Hampshire shares a border with Iraq and Syria.

It doesn’t really matter to Scott. All that really matters is that you be afraid, New Hampshire, really, really afraid because if you re-elect Jean Shaheen to the U S Senate the ISIS wave will sweep into Nashua selling antiques and produce at roadside stands near you. Of course, Scott Brown does have a point. Your borders in New Hampshire are not secure. A lying, scheming force has already crossed over from the south. His name is Scott Brown, he’s running for the U S Senate, and he is very confused.

This week on Episode 310 of the Tim Corrimal Show we were treated to the Dean of Doom, the Chicken Little of the United States Senate, Lindsey Graham. Last week on Fox News Sunday, Sen. Graham was on the show to give his expert assessment of the ISIS threat and President’s Obama’s strategy for dealing with it. Obviously paralyzed with fear he did the interview dressed in desert camouflage while hiding under a desk. The interview quickly deteriorated into a hysterical rant not heard since Carl Rove was told that Barack Obama was re-elected president.

Now Lindsey is an excitable boy, easily frightened by everything from squishy spiders to circus clowns with big floppy feet. If you remember just last September, he warned us that if we didn’t enter into a war with Syria, within six months a nuclear bomb would go off in Charleston Harbor. Not New York Harbor or Boston Harbor, but Charleston. Why Charleston? Well, frightening things, including those circus clowns know where he lives.

The latest bogeyman to make him soil his pants is ISIS. On Fox News Sunday, he warned that President Obama has to “…step up before we all get killed back here at home.” That’s right, all of us. Not just a few hundred, not a few thousand, all 316 million of us. Everyone in the contiguous United States, Alaska, Hawaii, and U.S. territories will die. And ISIS will not stop there. They will kill our pets, our houseplants, even the big bunny rabbit that talks to Lindsey that no one else can see. You won’t even be able to hide under your bed because of those flesh-eating gnomes that come out when the lights go out.

It’s already started according to Lindsey. The recent increase in the sale of ski masks and gloves is proof. No, it’s not seasonal sales. They are distributing uniforms under the cover of outerwear catalogues. One day you or a loved one will take an innocent trip to the supermarket and never return, kidnapped by ISIS and later seen on videotape reading ISIS propaganda from the produce section of Piggly Wiggly.

So act now or die shopping for eggs and milk, the choice is yours. Lindsey and his big rabbit friend have warned you. By the way, his rabbit friend’s name is John and he’s a senator from Arizona.

This week on Episode 309 of The Tim Corrimal Show the Clown Car features one of its favorite occupants, Sarah Palin and her band of merry offspring. As some background she and her husband Todd have a tradition of giving their children unusual names that have personal meaning. Their three daughters, Bristol, Willow, and Piper are named after a fish, a tree, and an inmate in the Netflix series, “Orange Is The New Black”. Their sons are named Track, for her poor track record of completing terms of office and Tripp, for what she does over every word in the English language. These are not to be confused with the Palin first cousins, Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopy.

Now apparently last Saturday the Palins were invited to the birthday party of a very prominent Alaskan snowmobile racer. Now as anyone who has a subscription to the Palin Network already knows, snowmobiling is the Palins’ third favorite activity after Moose gutting and inventing new words like “refudiate” and “misunderestimate”. Anyway, the entire brood pulled up in a stretch Hummer with a belly full of Jack Daniels and a trunk full of Real American Values. It was then that the altercation occurred. Track started the melee by brandishing a bottle of Wild Turkey and his middle finger at a former boyfriend of his little sister Willow. So you can understand his anger, in Alaska, your sister’s boyfriend is considered a romantic rival. So, trying to avoid trouble, the host intervened. That’s when Bristol, famous for clumsy dancing and having sex in the back of a Ford pickup, let go a flurry of punches. At this point Momma Bear Palin start screaming “do you know who I am”? When someone answered “Tina Fey?” she unleashed a barrage of four letter words, some of which were previously heard on election night 2008. All this culminated with the police being called to the scene to restore order. By this time Track had ripped off his shirt and was strutting about giving the bird to everyone in attendance and Sarah was demanding her speaking fee.

Now, on her Facebook page, Sarah denies ever being at the party and as for the cursing, she said the Holy Spirit often speaks through her in tongues. The police report tells another story, confirming that the Palins were present and that “Alcohol was believed to have been a factor in the incident”. However, those in attendance claim  the main motivator was stupidity and ignorance.

Incidentally, the DVD of the entire event can be pre-ordered on Amazon under the title “The Thrilla’ in Wasilla”.

This week on Episode 308 of The Timcorrimal Show, our Clown Car Update featured Sean Hannity. With an hour of airtime to squander and with conspiracies and scary headlines to sell, he sought the insight of an expert on the rise of Islamic extremism. Did he reach out to the Secretary of State? Nope. Did he reach out to the head of the CIA? Nope. Did he reach out to an academic expert on Islamic studies? No, Sean went right to the heart of the subject with the Minister of Duck Calls, Phil Robertson of “Duck Dynasty”.

“Duck Dynasty” is an A&E reality show featuring Phil and his family polluting the airwaves picking ticks from their beards and luring innocent ducks to certain death. They are often seen wearing headbands to prevent whatever is left in there from leaking out. Phil loves his bible and his woman, whom he married as soon as she reached puberty. He hates gays, high tech stuff, and anyone who was freed by the Emancipation Proclamation.

Sean, ever the promoter of right wing lunacy (see Clyde Bundy) promoted Phil’s latest book and asked him about his take on ISIS. First, Phil scolded Sean to never leave home without his bible or his woman. Phil explained that the former provides instruction on smiting sinners; the latter prevents a gay guy from sneaking into your bed at the Hotel Six. Then he turned to The Good Book for the answer to ISIS and Islamic extremism. He quoted 1 John 5:19; Ephesians 2; Galatians 3; Rocky 4; Halloween 5; and finally Proverbs 8:36:

“those who fail to find me harm themselves; all who hate me love death.” So what is the Bible telling us here? Phil says it’s simple; “…either convert them or kill them.”

So what is the Bible telling us here? Phil says it’s simple; “…either convert them or kill them.” That’s right, following the example of the Lord Jesus himself, Savior and Jerusalem’s fastest gun, Phil would smite ISIS hard and smite ISIS often! He would do as Jesus taught us and either make them followers or strap on a Smith and Wesson and come out shooting. “Hasta la Vista, Pontius Pilate!”

So watch out, ISIS, Jesus and Phil are coming for you with righteousness and the Second Amendment on their side. And look for the movie version of Phil’s book, “The Bible 2: The Christians Strike Back!” coming to a theater near you this fall.