It’s the Halloween edition of The Tim Corrimal Show and was this a SPOOKY week!
On Thursday, Paul Ryan announced that he would end his career in politics. Once considered one of the Young Guns of the GOP, he was considered a budget guru by the Beltway media. He ran for vice-president with Mitt Romney, had the best abs of any congressman in history, and was rumored to be the reason Joe Scarborough left his wife. Paul Ryan was the perfect republican. But on Thursday he decided that he would follow the path of Newt Gingrich, Dennis Hastert, and John Boehner and commit political suicide by running for Speaker of the House. As a condition of his running, Ryan did demand that his abductors allow him to see his family on weekends. His election is expected on October 28. His body will lie in state in the Capitol Building.
Also this week Jeb! announced he was cutting his staff budget by 45% and terminating many of his consultants and employees. Once thought to be the GOP front runner and favorite of the party establishment, his campaign has failed to gain traction among GOP primary voters. And lately, Jeb! has come under attack from Donald Trump for claiming that his brother kept us safe during his presidency. In a brief press statement, Jeb!’s campaign said the following: “We are re-tooling the campaign and will concentrate our efforts toward convincing early voters that September 11 came before January 20 in the year 2001”.
And last but certainly not least, the long awaited appearance of Hillary Clinton in front of a group of DNA deprived GOP mutants. For eleven hours Hillary fielded questions with a stare of a cat who just cornered a family of mice before breakfast. She smiled and calmly responded to all her accusers, batting her prey around teasingly before devouring them in one gulp. Here are what I thought were the highlights:
- Rep. Susan Brooks showed Hillary two piles of emails from two different years to demonstrat that Ms. Brooks can separate files by date and identify which pile is bigger.
- Rep. Jim Jordan tried unsuccessfully to get Hillary to admit that she lied about who was responsible for the Benghazi attack. Later, he demanded to know what search terms her lawyers used to find her work emails. By the way, if you want to know more about Jim Jordan use the search term: “loudmouth drunk at the end of the bar”.
- Rep. Lynn Westmoreland talks slow, thinks slower.
- Rep. Mike Pompeo wants someone fired. Anyone, but someone must be fired. Let’s start with Mike Pompeo’s fact checker.
- Rep. Martha Roby, the squinty eyed prosecutor from Alabama, demanded to know where Hillary was the night of September 11, 2012 and who she was with. As every member of the GOP suspects, she sneaks off to Virginia every night to make sure no one has discovered her tire tracks where she and Bill dumped Vice Fosters body .
- The Clintons, like all of us, have friends who send unsolicited emails that we then have to forward to seven other people just to shut them up.
- In a feat of incredible strength, Rep. Peter Roskam tore two sheets of paper in half at one time. And long ways!
- Trey Gowdy had an unfortunate accident as a child when his head got caught in a wood chipper.
But despite the train wreck that was engineered by Trey Gowdy and the cast of “Lil’ Abner”, Hillary should not be doing victory laps just yet. As a warning to democrats who may be presorting their chickens, Rep. Mo Brooks has a warning: “In my judgment, with respect to Hillary Clinton, she will be a unique president if she is elected by the public next November, because the day she’s sworn in is the day that she’s subject to impeachment because she has committed high crimes and misdemeanors”, and Congress had a “legal basis to remove her from office.” If you’re wondering just how that works, Hillary, just ask the First Dude!