Archive for October, 2015

It’s the Halloween edition of The Tim Corrimal Show and was this a SPOOKY week!

On Thursday,  Paul Ryan announced that he would end his career in politics.  Once considered one of the Young Guns of the GOP,  he was considered a budget guru by the Beltway media.  He ran for vice-president with Mitt Romney,  had the best abs of any congressman in history,   and was rumored to be the reason Joe Scarborough left his wife.  Paul Ryan was the perfect republican.  But on Thursday he decided that he would follow the path of Newt Gingrich, Dennis Hastert, and John Boehner and commit political suicide by running for Speaker of the House.  As a condition of his running,  Ryan did demand that his abductors allow him to see his family on weekends.  His election is expected on October 28.  His body will lie in state in the Capitol Building.

Also this week Jeb! announced he was cutting his staff budget by 45% and terminating many of his consultants and employees.  Once thought to be the GOP front runner  and favorite of the party establishment,  his campaign has failed to gain traction among GOP primary voters.  And lately,  Jeb! has come under attack from Donald Trump for claiming that his brother kept us safe during his presidency.  In a brief press statement,  Jeb!’s campaign said the following: “We are re-tooling the campaign and will concentrate our efforts toward convincing early voters that September 11 came before January 20 in the year 2001”.

And last but certainly not least, the long awaited appearance of Hillary Clinton in front of a group of DNA deprived GOP mutants.  For eleven hours Hillary fielded questions with a stare of a cat who just cornered a family of mice before breakfast.  She smiled and calmly responded to all her accusers, batting her prey around teasingly before devouring them in one gulp.  Here are what I thought were the highlights:

  • Rep. Susan Brooks showed Hillary two piles of emails from two different years to demonstrat that Ms. Brooks can separate files by date and identify which pile is bigger.
  •  Rep. Jim Jordan tried unsuccessfully to get Hillary to admit that she lied about who was responsible for the Benghazi attack.  Later, he demanded to know what search terms her lawyers used to find her work emails.   By the way, if you want to know more about Jim Jordan use the search term:  “loudmouth drunk at the end of the bar”.
  • Rep. Lynn Westmoreland talks slow, thinks slower.
  • Rep. Mike Pompeo wants someone fired. Anyone, but someone must be fired.  Let’s start with Mike Pompeo’s fact checker.
  • Rep. Martha Roby, the squinty eyed prosecutor from Alabama, demanded to know where Hillary was the night of September 11, 2012 and who she was with.  As every member of the GOP suspects,  she sneaks off to Virginia every night to make sure no one has discovered her tire tracks where she and Bill dumped Vice Fosters body .
  • The Clintons, like all of us, have friends who send unsolicited emails that we then have to forward to seven other people just to shut them up.
  • In a feat of incredible strength,  Rep. Peter Roskam tore  two sheets of paper in half at one time. And long ways!
  • Trey Gowdy had an unfortunate accident as a child when his head got caught in a wood chipper.

But despite the train wreck that was engineered by Trey Gowdy and the cast of “Lil’ Abner”, Hillary should not be doing victory laps just yet.  As a warning to democrats who may be presorting their chickens, Rep. Mo Brooks has a warning:   “In my judgment, with respect to Hillary Clinton, she will be a unique president if she is elected by the public next November, because the day she’s sworn in is the day that she’s subject to impeachment because she has committed high crimes and misdemeanors”,  and Congress had a “legal basis to remove her from office.”   If you’re wondering just how that works, Hillary, just ask the First Dude!

 

Clown Car Update for October 18, 2015

Posted: October 18, 2015 in New Post

While the Tim Corrimal Show was on hiatus, the political world just kept getting crazier.  So here on Episode 357 is a re-cap of events since out last show!

On September 28, NASA confirmed that it had discovered evidence of flowing liquid water on Mars.  The GOP candidates for president were quick to react to NASA’s claim:

Carley Fiorina: “I challenge Obama and Clinton to look at those tapes of Area 51,  thirsty Martians with their hearts beating and legs kicking.  Is water worth it?  De-fund NASA!”

Donald Trump: “The water on Mars is a disaster. What we need is real American water, like in my casinos.  And we don’t have Martians who have drugs and are rapists!”

Mike Huckabee: “The water on Mars is gay water. This is the government’s plan to make us drink it and turn us gay!”

Ben Carson: “This is nonsense!  I saw the movie “Martian”.  If there is water on Mars, why didn’t Matt Damon find it to grow his potatoes? ”

Also in late September,  the world was treated to a very rare event that will not re-occur for decades.  A republican accidentally told the truth! On September 30, Kevin McCarthy admitted on Fox News that the Benghazi Committee was formed to take down Hilary Clinton’s poll numbers. Most pundits called this a gaff, but to be fair to Mr. McCarthy, repeating lies day in and day out is a little like wearing a bathing suit that is three sizes too small. Eventually something will slip out.

September 28 saw the fourth in a series of lunar eclipses that began in April of 2014. Some Mormons believed this signaled the end of the world.  The official Mormon church distanced itself from these predictions.  One Mormon, however, claims his world ended on November 6, 2012.

On October 2, there was yet another deadly shooting, this time at a community college in Oregon.  Enter Ben Carson who blamed the victims of the shooting for not rushing the shooter.   “I would not just stand there and let him shoot me,” Carson said.  For example, in the ’80’s he was faced with a similar situation standing in line at a fast food restaurant. When an armed robber shoved his gun into Carson’s ribs,  he bravely advised him that the person he should shoot was the teenager working behind the counter.

On October 6, Kevin McCarthy shocked everyone by suddenly dropping out of the race for Speaker of the House.  This left the GOP in a frenzy, desperate to find a candidate.  With the vacuum left by McCarthy’s exit, the leading candidate that has emerged is the Pizza Rat.

Playboy announced it will it will no longer feature nudity,  but “will continue its tradition of investigative journalism, in-depth interviews and fiction”.  In other news, Ben and Jerry’s announced it will no longer feature ice cream, but will continue its tradition of providing quality, home grown vegetables.

The Democratic debate was held on CNN on October 13.  It featured Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and three meth addicts who wandered onto the stage.

And finally, it was announced this week that there will be no COLA for SS recipients next year.  As a result,  I will be starting a new career as a Wal-Mart greeter.

And that’s what happened while Tim was in Italy.  If things keep up like this,  I think I’ll go with him next time!

 

 

 

 

On Episode 355 of The Tim Corrimal Show we compared Bernie Sanders to some of the GOP “alternatives”.  Here’s what we found:

  • Bernie believes the middle class is sinking
    • Marco Rubio’s state is sinking

 

  • Bernie favors a path to citizenship
    • Chris Christie blocked the path wherever he walks

 

  • Bernie believes that same-sex couples should have the right to marry
    • Donald Trump believes he should be able to marry his daughter

 

  • Bernie voted against the war in Iraq after 9/11
    • Jeb Bush doesn’t even remember 9/11

 

  • Bernie believes in separation of church and state
    • Ted Cruz believes in combining church and hate

 

  • Bernie thinks everyone should be able to see a doctor
    • Ben Carson thinks Donald Trump IS a doctor

 

  • Bernie wants to set the minimum wage at 15 dollars an hour
    • Carly Fiorina laid off 15 people an hour

 

  • Bernie opposes the Keystone Pipeline
    • Rand Paul has smoked the Keystone Pipeline

 

  • Bernie has been attracting big crowds in New Hampshire
    • Mike Huckabee has been attracting bigots in Kentucky

 

  • Bernie belongs to the Socialist Party
    • Bobby Jindal belongs to the stupid party

 

Yes, although the GOP is still the stupid party, it’s our favorite stupid party.  Just as the noble squirrels collect nuts to nourish them in the winter, so we collect these nuts to amuse us through the long, hard cold election season. So, just curl up in front of a cozy fire and “Feel the Bern!”