Archive for July, 2017

436

On Episode 436 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we recapped this long week’s events:

On Monday, Jared Kushner appeared before investigators from the Senate Intelligence Committee to testify about his meetings with Russian officials. In an eleven page prepared statement, he claimed that in the meeting with Donald, Jr. and Russian intelligence operatives, he was so disinterested that he texted an aide asking “Can u pls call me on my cell? Need excuse to get out of meeting.” He later texted the same aide asking, “Can u pls call Ivanka and tell her we are having an affair? Need excuse to get out of administration!”

Kushner said in his statement that his failure to reveal the meetings with Russian officials can be easily explained by his busy schedule and inexperience in politics. Kushner recalled, “I was so busy going from meeting to meeting I even forgot my potty training at times. It got messy!”

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Also Monday, Duke of Orange gave a speech at the annual Boy Scout Jamboree. After the controversial talk in which he described to forty thousand underage boys what it was like to have an orgy on a yacht, he recalled his own experience avoiding the Boy Scouts. He explained that, like with the military, he avoided joining due to a scalp fungus and the fact that there was no pussy grabbing merit badge.

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On Tuesday, in a speech in Youngstown, Ohio,  Twitler imagined being put on Mount Rushmore. The National Park Service later Tweeted: “Surveyed available rock. Not enough space available for his ass.”

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Late Wednesday, newly appointed White House consigliere Tony “Walnuts” Scaramucci threatened to call the FBI on Chief of Staff Reince Priebus unless he stops leaking information about him and having the staff call him Scaramucus. On Thursday, Reince Priebus called the FBI himself after waking up with the severed head of the Easter Bunny in his bed with a note that said: “Sean Spicer sleeps with the fishes!”

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On Thursday, Congress dealt Trump a setback to his love affair with Vladimir Putin. They passed a veto-proof bill that put heavy sanctions on Russia. “It was a big blow more disturbing than the one Steve Bannon does to himself,” said Anthony Scramucci.

Early Friday morning, America’s death panel, A.K.A. the Republican party,  lost a crucial vote in their attempt to kill Obamacare when John McCain cast the deciding “no” vote killing what the GOP referred to as the “skinny repeal”. Not to be discouraged, Mitch McConnell promised to fight on to repeal the ACA with an “anorexic repeal”. Other plans he has lined up are the “bulimic repeal”, the “average build repeal”, and the “plus size appeal”.

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And finally, late on Friday, Reince was thrown under the Prie-bus. After months of speculation that Reince Priebus would be replaced, Donald Trump finally pulled the trigger and fired the beleaguered chief of staff. But still afraid of his ex-boss, Reince issued this carefully worded statement: “The president was very good to me, even when he took me into the Oval Office last night and had the entire cabinet kick me in the balls. That actually didn’t hurt as much as when he held me and let Scaramucci punch me until he ruptured my spleen. Even though it was a terrible beating and doctors warn that there still may be some internal bleeding, it was my honor if it helped advance this president’s agenda. I wish Anthony and the president all the best and apologize for any scratches they may have incurred on their hands from my rib fragments”

Preibus will be reassigned to the position of equipment manager on the newly resurrected Trump University football team. Head coach Anthony Scaramucci brags that they will be “the dirtiest meanest, most intimidating cock-suckers in the NCAA! GO PRICKS!”

Twilight’s Last Gleaming?

Posted: July 25, 2017 in New Post

In the last few days, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi have unveiled the Democratic plan for helping the middle class regain their footing in the changing economy of the Twenty-First Century. To those of you who have heard me on The Tim Corrimal Show and Turn Up the Night with Kenny Pick, you know that this is something I have been advocating for a long time. In fact, the day after the House pulled the first version of their “health care” bill, I warned that it would be a tragically missed opportunity for the Democrats not to offer an alternative to the bile flowing from the gut of the depraved Republican party. My view has been for a long time that to simply oppose their destruction of the social safety net was not enough. They must remind American voters that it has been the Liberal Democrats who through the Great Depression, the civil rights movement of the ’50s and ’60s, and the Great Recession of 2008, fought for the preservation of the American Dream for everyone.

As encouraged as I am about this first step in presenting a Democratic vision, there is a chorus of voices running through the party that is obsessed with “connecting with the disaffected Trump voters.” They warn against “identity politics” and encourage the party to tone down its commitment to justice for the disaffected and the disadvantaged. They see a disadvantage in standing for the rights of the LGBTQ community, supporting Black Lives Matter, fair immigration reform, workers bargaining rights, and justice for every American whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or atheist.

To me, these things are the soul of the Democratic Party. Caring about social justice and economic fairness has always gone hand and hand with Liberal ideals. They are not mutually exclusive and need not be separated in an effort to achieve electoral success. To the Trump voters who only seek validation of their bigotry, who only see justice in denying the rights of others, I say to hell with them. If the price of power requires catering to this basket of depolorables and their need to feel superior to anyone who is not what they consider “real Americans”, if selling our soul is the path to electoral victory, then maybe the republic we love so much is already lost.

435

The Clown Car Update has learned of plans by Donald Trump to fire the Senate, the House of Representatives, and the Supreme Court except for Neil Gorsuch. Our Delaware Bureau Chief @francie57, reports that the move is designed to consolidate Trump’s power. The president also has decided to move Kremlin staff into the resulting empty space in the Capitol and the Supreme Court Buildings.

The reaction by Democrats to the move was swift. “He must be locked up!”, screamed Chuck Schumer, as he was being handcuffed by Secret Service\ and charged with the newly declared crime of “Conspiracy to not be nice to President Trump.” Other Democratic lawmakers were unavailable for comment and were seen boarding military aircraft headed for Guantanamo Bay. Witnesses at Andrews Air Force Base say that among the Democrats were some members of Trump’s own former staff including Sean Spicer and former Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sources close to Spicer tell The Clown Car News that his wife found his office ransacked with only a torn Easter Bunny outfit suggesting a violent struggle.

Republican reaction has been mostly muted, with a few exceptions. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell supported the move. “Look, he is allowing us to live and has pledged not to harm our families. I think that is very generous.” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan agreed. “Look,” Ryan said, “we should all be thankful for the opportunity to walk away unharmed. The president did win the election so it really is his government to run.”  When asked about the incarceration of the Democrats, Ryan declined to comment except to say that “Guantanamo is lovely this time of year.”

Reaction from around the world was mixed. French president Emmanuel Macron was taken by surprise. “I should have never shown him Napoleon’s grave,” Macron lamented, “he really, really liked Napoleon’s style!” German Chancellor Angela Merkel offered this assessment, “Let’s just say we have seen this here in Germany and believe me, it does not end well.” As for other reactions, Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels had some bad news for Melissa McCarthy. “We will be letting her go immediately. Spicer in Guantanamo just is not funny.”

Reaction in Russia was ecstatic. ‘We can now admit that we hacked your election and won!”, Vladimir Putin said in a statement, “and we got the idiot we wanted. We not only got our compounds back, but we get to have the Capitol Building as well! That dome will have to go, though. We really prefer onion domes, you know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

434

The Clown Car update has learned that the White House is planning more restrictive procedures to be put in place regarding the format of the daily briefing. Sources close to the White House communication office told the Clown Car Update that effective immediately, the identity of the person at the podium will be concealed from reporters. Various methods of concealment are being discussed including shadow screens and voice distortion equipment. But our sources tell us that there is a consensus forming around the idea of the person at the podium wearing a paper bag over their head.

The paper bag idea has been gaining momentum since the president is a big fan of the Gong Show’s “Unknown Comic”, Murray Langston. Our sources tell us that Langston, who developed a cult following in the  ’70s, has been an informal advisor to Trump on matters of national security and domestic policy, which may explain some of the comedic aspects of Trump’s agenda. Langston has previously proposed replacing the Affordable Care Act with a free first aid kit for all Americans as universal health coverage.  That idea apparently gained no traction on Capitol Hill. Langston was first consulted when both Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders expressed growing embarrassment with being identified with on camera briefings. Sources tell us that they no longer wanted to be associated with the Trump administration on live television. Langston faced similar embarrassment when he agreed to participate on the Gong Show. Fearing he would harm his reputation as a comic, he chose to appear on the show with a paper bag over his head.

The plan is to have the person at the podium wearing a large, brown paper bag with cutouts for their eyes and mouth. Also, to further disguise their identity, they would all wear cheap leisure suits. Steve Banon reportedly was insisting that the bags be white, but it was ultimately decided that white bags would be bad optics. There will also be some ground rules to go along with the paper bags. First, no reporter is to ask who is wearing the bag. White House bags are now considered classified. Bag wearing is restricted to the presenter only. All reporters must be bag free.

If the paper bag does not ultimately get the approval of the president, there is one other plan he is said to favor that was brought up at his meeting with Vladimir Putin last week, which is to have Sean and Sarah appear as two Russian nesting dolls.

 

 

433

U.S. officials confirmed to Clown Car News that North Korea’s claim that it launched an intercontinental ballistic missile overnight, this time with a warhead containing Gov. Chris Christy of New Jersey.

“The United States strongly condemns North Korea’s launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile with Gov. Christy.” the statement said. “Launching Gov. Christy represents a new escalation of the threat to the United States, our allies and partners, the region, and New Jersey beaches.”

In the statement, the officials confirmed that the satellite photos have confirmed that the warhead with Gov. Christy has landed on a beach near the governor’s summer home. The satellite pictures depict an eerily empty beach with what officials presume is the very large warhead and a few survivors playing around him. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said the governor was a gift for the U.S., in honor of the Fourth of July.

A spokesperson for Nikki Haley, the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, have told Clown Car News, “We intend to bring North Korea’s provocative action before the UN Security Council. The United States seeks only the peaceful removal of all of Gov. Christy from the Jersey Shore. As we, along with others, have made clear, we will never accept North Korea sending Gov. Christy to our shores.

According to the U.S. and South Korea, the missile has to be “the most powerful yet developed by the North to carry such an enormous payload.”

In response to the launch, the U.S. Army and military personnel from South Korea conducted a missile exercise firing short-range missiles into the Sea of Japan, carrying a Kelly Anne Conway warhead. A defense official said this U.S.-South Korean “show of force” will give North Korea “alternative facts to consider.” Chief Pentagon spokesperson Dana White called North Korea’s launch of  Gov. Christy  “an enormous escalation.” The launch of Kelly Anne Conway, White continued,  “demonstrates that we have repulsive things we could send them too!”

Trump took to Twitter on Monday, before the Pentagon issued an official statement on the matter, to respond to reports that North Korea conducted another missile test.

“Just saw the pictures of Chirs Christy on the Jersey Shore. Does this guy have anything better to do with his life?” he tweeted late Monday, presumably referring to New Jersey’s governor. “Hard to believe that South Jersey will put up with this much longer. Perhaps Bruce Springsteen will put a heavy move on Christy and end this nonsense once and for all.”

As for what the president intends to do about this latest intrusion into our sacred Jersey Shore beaches, he seemed skeptical about our intelligence. “Maybe it was North Korea, maybe it was China. For all we know, this was just some four-hundred-pound governor sitting on the beach!”