Archive for July, 2017

434

The Clown Car update has learned that the White House is planning more restrictive procedures to be put in place regarding the format of the daily briefing. Sources close to the White House communication office told the Clown Car Update that effective immediately, the identity of the person at the podium will be concealed from reporters. Various methods of concealment are being discussed including shadow screens and voice distortion equipment. But our sources tell us that there is a consensus forming around the idea of the person at the podium wearing a paper bag over their head.

The paper bag idea has been gaining momentum since the president is a big fan of the Gong Show’s “Unknown Comic”, Murray Langston. Our sources tell us that Langston, who developed a cult following in the  ’70s, has been an informal advisor to Trump on matters of national security and domestic policy, which may explain some of the comedic aspects of Trump’s agenda. Langston has previously proposed replacing the Affordable Care Act with a free first aid kit for all Americans as universal health coverage.  That idea apparently gained no traction on Capitol Hill. Langston was first consulted when both Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders expressed growing embarrassment with being identified with on camera briefings. Sources tell us that they no longer wanted to be associated with the Trump administration on live television. Langston faced similar embarrassment when he agreed to participate on the Gong Show. Fearing he would harm his reputation as a comic, he chose to appear on the show with a paper bag over his head.

The plan is to have the person at the podium wearing a large, brown paper bag with cutouts for their eyes and mouth. Also, to further disguise their identity, they would all wear cheap leisure suits. Steve Banon reportedly was insisting that the bags be white, but it was ultimately decided that white bags would be bad optics. There will also be some ground rules to go along with the paper bags. First, no reporter is to ask who is wearing the bag. White House bags are now considered classified. Bag wearing is restricted to the presenter only. All reporters must be bag free.

If the paper bag does not ultimately get the approval of the president, there is one other plan he is said to favor that was brought up at his meeting with Vladimir Putin last week, which is to have Sean and Sarah appear as two Russian nesting dolls.

 

 

433

U.S. officials confirmed to Clown Car News that North Korea’s claim that it launched an intercontinental ballistic missile overnight, this time with a warhead containing Gov. Chris Christy of New Jersey.

“The United States strongly condemns North Korea’s launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile with Gov. Christy.” the statement said. “Launching Gov. Christy represents a new escalation of the threat to the United States, our allies and partners, the region, and New Jersey beaches.”

In the statement, the officials confirmed that the satellite photos have confirmed that the warhead with Gov. Christy has landed on a beach near the governor’s summer home. The satellite pictures depict an eerily empty beach with what officials presume is the very large warhead and a few survivors playing around him. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said the governor was a gift for the U.S., in honor of the Fourth of July.

A spokesperson for Nikki Haley, the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, have told Clown Car News, “We intend to bring North Korea’s provocative action before the UN Security Council. The United States seeks only the peaceful removal of all of Gov. Christy from the Jersey Shore. As we, along with others, have made clear, we will never accept North Korea sending Gov. Christy to our shores.

According to the U.S. and South Korea, the missile has to be “the most powerful yet developed by the North to carry such an enormous payload.”

In response to the launch, the U.S. Army and military personnel from South Korea conducted a missile exercise firing short-range missiles into the Sea of Japan, carrying a Kelly Anne Conway warhead. A defense official said this U.S.-South Korean “show of force” will give North Korea “alternative facts to consider.” Chief Pentagon spokesperson Dana White called North Korea’s launch of  Gov. Christy  “an enormous escalation.” The launch of Kelly Anne Conway, White continued,  “demonstrates that we have repulsive things we could send them too!”

Trump took to Twitter on Monday, before the Pentagon issued an official statement on the matter, to respond to reports that North Korea conducted another missile test.

“Just saw the pictures of Chirs Christy on the Jersey Shore. Does this guy have anything better to do with his life?” he tweeted late Monday, presumably referring to New Jersey’s governor. “Hard to believe that South Jersey will put up with this much longer. Perhaps Bruce Springsteen will put a heavy move on Christy and end this nonsense once and for all.”

As for what the president intends to do about this latest intrusion into our sacred Jersey Shore beaches, he seemed skeptical about our intelligence. “Maybe it was North Korea, maybe it was China. For all we know, this was just some four-hundred-pound governor sitting on the beach!”