Here on Episode 380 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we have come to know what to expect after every tragedy like the one this week in Brussels. In predictable fashion, the conservative party (a.k.a. republicans) ramp up the fear-mongering and stir up the single-helixed mutants they refer to as their “base”. Then, the right-wingin’, bitter-clingin’, proud clingers of their guns, their God, their religions, and their constitution turn to their favorite piñata, Muslims. We even have a new psychological dysfunction named after it: “Islamophobia”. But this being an election year, of course we must take the psychosis one notch higher, and who best to do it than the Calgary psycho himself, Ted Cruz! This week, Ted took time off from posting nude photos of Melania Trump on the internet to offer his solution to terrorism: Seal off the Muslim communities with police patrols! Well, as CBS chief Les Moonves said, it may be bad for the country, but it’s great for CBS. So not surprising, Ted Cruz’s plan has inspired a new network police drama titled, “Conservatives Hate U Muslim People”, or “CHuMPs”.
In the first episode, the main characters Officers Cruz and Drumpf are seen patrolling Muslim neighborhoods for any signs of radicalization, like prayer mats or a Democratic voter registration drive. As the officers ride their motorcycles through the streets of one Muslim community, Officer Cruz notices a bearded man pushing a suspicious looking device back and forth over his lawn. The officers become alarmed because the device seems to have sharp blades that rotate at high speeds. It was so powerful that it seemed to cut the man’s grass in half. They also notice that on every other cut, the man pushed the device in a different direction, as if to be evasive. Cruz and Drumpf then decided on a plan of action.
That night, in an undercover operation, Officers Cruz and Drumpf, disguised in burkas, break into the man’s shed to investigate the suspicious device. Finding that there was no light in the shed, Officer Cruz lit his copy of the Constitution, but mistakenly throws the match into a can of gasoline. Hearing the explosion, the owner rushes out to confront the officers, who are now rolling on the ground trying to put out their burning burkas. When the owner of the house asks what two police officers were doing in his shed, Officer Cruz asks, “How did you know we were police?” “Easy”, the man replies, “burkas do not come in paisley!” Well, they all have a big laugh, and then the owner of the property sues the city for vandalism, arson, and civil rights violations. As the show closes, Officers Cruz and Drumpf are suspended without pay pending an investigation into harassment and the theft of two burkas.
Needless to say, the show was cancelled after one episode. You might say it lasted as long as a Lindsey Graham presidential campaign. As for the actors playing Cruz and Drumpf, they are now playing candidates for president of the United States in a new Netflix original series “House of Nuts, but instead of streaming, it is sort of oozing.