Archive for March, 2016

Here on Episode 380 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we have come to know what to expect after every tragedy like the one this week in Brussels.  In predictable fashion, the conservative party (a.k.a. republicans) ramp up the fear-mongering and stir up the single-helixed mutants they refer to as their “base”. Then, the right-wingin’, bitter-clingin’, proud clingers of their guns, their God, their religions, and their constitution turn to their favorite piñata, Muslims.  We even have a new psychological dysfunction named after it: “Islamophobia”.  But this being an election year, of course we must take the psychosis one notch higher, and who best to do it than the Calgary psycho himself, Ted Cruz! This week, Ted took time off from posting nude photos of Melania Trump on the internet to offer his solution to terrorism: Seal off the Muslim communities with police patrols! Well, as CBS chief Les Moonves said, it may be bad for the country, but it’s great for CBS. So not surprising, Ted Cruz’s plan has inspired a new network police drama titled, “Conservatives Hate U Muslim People”, or “CHuMPs”.

CHIPS

In the first episode, the main characters Officers Cruz and Drumpf are seen patrolling Muslim neighborhoods for any signs of radicalization,  like prayer mats or a Democratic voter registration drive. As the officers ride their motorcycles through the streets of one Muslim community, Officer Cruz notices a bearded man pushing a suspicious looking device back and forth over his lawn.  The officers become alarmed because the device seems to have sharp blades that rotate at high speeds. It was so powerful that it seemed to cut the man’s grass in half.  They also notice that on every other cut, the man pushed the device in a different direction, as if to be evasive.  Cruz and Drumpf then decided on a plan of action.

That night, in an undercover operation, Officers Cruz and Drumpf, disguised in burkas, break into the man’s shed to investigate the suspicious device.  Finding that there was no light in the shed, Officer Cruz lit his copy of the Constitution, but mistakenly throws the match into a can of gasoline.  Hearing the explosion, the owner rushes out to confront the officers, who are now rolling on the ground trying to put out their burning burkas.  When the owner of the house asks what two police officers were doing in his shed, Officer Cruz asks, “How did you know we were police?” “Easy”, the man replies, “burkas do not come in paisley!”  Well, they all have a big laugh, and then the owner of the property sues the city for vandalism, arson, and civil rights violations.  As the show closes, Officers Cruz and Drumpf are suspended without pay pending an investigation into harassment and the theft of two burkas.

Needless to say, the show was cancelled after one episode. You might say it lasted as long as a Lindsey Graham presidential campaign. As for the actors playing Cruz and Drumpf, they are now playing candidates for president of the United States in a new Netflix original series “House of Nuts, but instead of streaming, it is sort of oozing.

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This week on Episode 379 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the Clown Car investigates the criminal activities if Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder. Northeast Pennsylvania has a lot to be proud of. Scranton is the home town of Joe Biden, the adopted home town of Hillary Clinton, and the setting for one of television’s most popular sitcoms, “The Office”.  But another proud moment came this week when the congressman from my neighboring congressional district publicly eviscerated the felon who currently resides in the governor’s mansion in Michigan.  At congressional hearings, Rep. Matt Cartwright of Moosic, PA, after listening to Gov. Rick Snyder lie and obfuscate about his role in poisoning the water supply of Flint, had had enough. In an interview on a local TV station he admitted to losing his cool and telling Snyder what every decent person was thinking:

Plausible deniability only works when it’s plausible and I’m not buying that you didn’t know about this until October 2015. You were not in a medically induced coma for a year. I’ve had about enough of your false contrition and your phony apologies … Pretty soon we will have men who strike their wives saying, ‘I’m sorry dear, but there were failures on all levels.’

Thank you, Matt! If my congressional district wasn’t drawn to look like a twisted colon, he would have been my representative. But I am sure Matt is unaware of the nefarious plans Snyder still has in mind for the good people of Michigan. But through the Clown Car investigative efforts, we have uncovered additional budget shortcuts Snyder has in the pipeline (pun intended):

  • Paving roads with radioactive waste. Titled The Asphalt Free Initiative, it is a cost saving measure claiming to save lives by limiting asphalt inhalation. The plan is to pave roads with radioactive material obtained  from the Atomic Energy Commission.  Gov. Snyder says he is assured it is safe and will have the added benefit of lighting the highways at night.
  • Dumpster diving replacing school lunch lunch. The governor has asked the legislature to pass a bill requiring restaurants to provide their dumpsters to public schools to replace the school lunch programs. Citing the amount of perfectly good food we throw away each year, Gov. Snyder touts the added benefit of learning to work for your food.
  • Medicaid discontinued and replaced with coupons to Denny’s.  Gov. Snyder says instead of running to the doctor every time you feel sick, just have a good breakfast!
  • Saving electricity by turning off all traffic signals in the state from 9 PM to 9 AM.  In addition to the monetary savings, this is also part of Gov. Snyder’s deregulation efforts. “We certainly don’t need government telling us when to stop and when to go. The drivers know best what is right for them”, Snyder was quoted.
  • Laying off firefighters and Emergency Medical Technicians replacing them with water buckets and first aid kits on every corner. Gov. Snyder calls this “local control of emergency services”.
  • Instead of fixing bridges, put up road signs “Caution: Iffy Bridge”. The symbol on the sign will be a car falling into a large ravine.

You would think that after the his criminal behavior toward the citizens of Flint, Mr. Snyder would be in prison, not making plans.  But to quote my favorite congressman, Matt Cartwright, “there you are [governor}dripping with guilt and drawing your paycheck”.

 

 

 

 

This week on Episode 378 of The Tim Corrimal Show, our investigative reporter, me, has uncovered an exclusive story that should send shock waves through both the political world and the medical world.

If you recall, at this weeks GOP debate, the RNC Chairman gave a little pep talk before the proceedings to assure everyone, mostly himself, that in the end the republican party will unite behind whoever becomes the nominee. What he didn’t say, was that he was being more literal than anyone could have expected.

Sources close to the chairman have informed me that negotiations are ongoing to have future Surgeon General Ben Carson perform the first ever joining of two people at the head. Priebus was reported as telling insiders that he felt that if Dr. Carson was skilled enough to separate to infants, he certainly can join two infants.  According to my source, the thinking at the RNC is that if somehow they were able to join Donald Trump with Rafael Cruz, the party would end their civil war and concentrate on the November election.

Asked about the other two candidates, Priebus reportedly has given up on them. He told people at the secret brain storming session (pun intended) that “Rubio is sinking faster than Florida”. This quote is remarkable not only for the change in thinking on Rubio, but a remarkable admission by a republican about the effects of climate change. As far as John Kasich is concerned, Priebus was quoted as saying that “Kasich is clinging to Ohio tighter than Karl Rove on election night. It’s pathetic”.

Medical experts I have spoken to have severe reservations about the wisdom of such an operation. One concern is ego rejection. As one Harvard medical professor said, “the danger of joining these two egos into one head cannot be overstated. Donald Trump’s ego is so enormous that even the deluded psyche of Ted Cruz may not be able to survive the shock”.  But there are other concerns beyond medical. Prominent psychiatrists have voiced concern about the socialization aspect of joining two such unappealing brains. “It has already been demonstrated that Cruz’s own daughter can’t stand him already”, one therapist said, “we have already seen how Mr. Cruz’s daughter recoils at the thought of kissing her father. Imagine the trauma of adding Trump to the mix. They must think of the children!”

However, despite all the warnings from the experts, the RNC chairman is determined to go through with the surgery and end this painful primary season. “We are in a great deal of pain, and this surgery may be the only chance at ending the nightmare”,  a source at the RNC quoted Priebus as saying. Both candidate have reportedly passed tissue matches, and the only holdup at this point is assembling the necessary medical staff that can withstand being in the same room with both Trump and Cruz for an estimated 36 hours.  One medical technician who has already refused said that both men are just as offensive when they are under anesthesia.  “Conscious or unconscious they are too obnoxious to tolerate for that length of time”.

How all this will play out in a general election is anyone’s guess. Besides the ethical question of combining two of the most disturbed personalities in the history of American politics, is the question; Will voters react positively to a Ted Trump candidacy. One selling point is that they will be their own running mate, saving some convention drama. But internal polling is not encouraging. According to my source, internal polling shows that likely general election voters still prefer Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders by more than 10 points over a Ted Trump conjoined ticket. Worse yet for the GOP, if Democrats followed suit, a conjoined Bernie Clinton hybrid beats the Ted Trump by a whopping 48%. So a note to the DNC, the ball is in your court now!

Please clap!

 

 

 

This week on Episode 377 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we engage in some schadenfreude in reading the obituary of the Grand Old Party, otherwise known as the Wing-Nut Republicans.

The American Republican Party, Dead at 162

The Republican Party, best known for its persistent contempt for anyone who wasn’t wealthy or white, died this week of a suspected murder/suicide. It was preceded in death by the Nixon Administration, the Reagan Administration, and two Bush Administrations. It was 162.

Born in 1854 to Whigs and The Free Soil Party, the Grand Old Party as it was nicknamed was a major political force from the mid-19th Century until 1932, when it shit the bed causing the Great Depression.  The Democrats under Franklin D. Roosevelt restored the United States to prosperity and ever since the GOP has dedicated its life to a return to the conditions of 1932.

In its early years the GOP was admired for being the party of abolition and free men, producing such great leaders as Abraham Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt.  But later in life, it disintegrated into a body of old white men who hated women, immigrants, and anyone who didn’t run a brothel. Its health gradually deteriorated with symptoms of serious illness such as repeatedly repealing Obamacare, obstructions,  and producing a senator in diapers. Most recently it developed Donald Trumpism, a genetic disorder characterized by abnormally tiny hands and genitalia. Although many were aware that the party’s health was poor, its death was unexpected.

The official coroner’s report has not yet been made public, but there is some hint that there may have been foul play. Recently the GOP had entered a tumultuous relationship with several abusive and obnoxious men who argued constantly about who would start the most wars and had the largest penis. Friends close to the family said it was only a matter of time before something like this would happen.  “It seemed that every week or so they would get into a shouting match that would attract large audiences,” a close family member was quoted as saying.  “They claimed they were debates, but everyone knew something terrible was going to happen”.

The deceased is survived by the Ku Klux Klan, The John Birch Society, The Tea Party, and many loving billionaires, corporations, and off-shore bank accounts.  The deceased will lie in state at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio from July 18 to July 21, with interment at the Trump Landfill, Atlantic City, N.J.  The family asks that, in lieu of flowers, you run over a homeless person with your limo or carpet bomb a village in Iraq.

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