Archive for July, 2019

523

Well, Summer is flying by and we all know what that means! Yes, it’s time for Back-To-School sales. And there is no better place to shop than at the Clown Car Back-To-School extravaganza! This year we have a special line of school needs for all the kids of Trump supporters so they can start the school year with gear that says “yes, I’m as ignorant as my parents!”

Here are some of the doorbuster specials MAGA parents can jump on faster than a Russian hooker on Donald Trump’s mattress:

  • From the David Duke Collection, pre-schooler’s white KKK hoods made from rejected pillowcases from “that pillow guy.” They come in your choice of pre-cut eye holes or you can custom cut your own for your little white Trumper. And all our pre-school hoods come with the official David Duke burning cross logo.
  • William Barr black redaction markers. Don’t let those liberal teachers get away with filling your kid’s heads with things like evolution or climate change. And where do they come off teaching your little racists that the Civil War was fought over slavery! Redact those lies right out of their textbooks with our William Barr redaction markers and keep your kids as brain-dead as you are. And just in, “Lawmarkers”, in five vibrant colors!
  • Louie Gohmert Back Packs. These backpacks are very lightweight with lots of room inside, just like Louie Gohmert’s head. They come in white only with “Don’t cast aspersions on my asparagus!” emblazoned on the back.
  • Eric Trump Lunch Box with special reminders from mom printed inside like “Don’t rub your food on your forehead ” and “It’s not nice to throw your poop!”
  • Tee shirts with famous words from our president screened on the front. Your choice of “Covfefe”, “I love hamberders!”, and “God bless the United Schates!” And just in, our newest tees with “Infantroopen” in bright red lettering!
  • Donald Trump umbrellas for those rainy school days. And the best thing about these umbrellas is you never have to fold them up. Just leave them opened at the door.

So stock up now and get ready for a great school year! And to our MAGA students, we wish you the best of luck in the new school year and as they say at Trump University, “GO PRICKS!”

Everyone in the kingdom of MAGA522

Everyone in the kingdom of MAGA was in a frenzy. David the Duke of the Klan was about to seek a successor. The town cryer, Lindsey Graham, went to the town square and announced that in order to choose his successor, the grand wizard would hold a rally in the great state of White Florida. All the white supremacists were to be invited so that David the Duke could pick the lucky person who would wear the royal blue robes and hood as the new grand wizard.

At the White House, aptly named because everyone there was the purest white, there was much excitement. Everyone was scurrying back and forth in preparation for the big rally. The angry stepmother of the White House, Kellyanne, wanted one of her children to be chosen. So one by one, she prepared the most terrible racists tweets for each of them so that they would look good in the eyes of the grand wizard.

Her first child, Stephen Miller, tweeted, “I hate immigrants, especially the brown ones in Mexico!” Her second child, Donald Trump, Jr., tweeted, “I hate all immigrants, except those nice Russians!” Her third child, Eric, who was dim-witted tweeted, “What’s an immigrant? Where is my Etch-A-Sketch?” Well, as it turned out, there was one child of Kellyanne’s who everyone forgot about and he sat alone in the Oval Office pouting. Just then, his fairy godfather, Sebastian Gorka, appeared to him and said, “Donnie, here is a magic tweet. Just send it out and you too will be invited to the rally!” So Donnie quickly took the tweet and sent it out: It read, “Anyone who is not white should go back to the country they came from!” Then Gorka turned the Big Mac on Donnie’s plate into a magic golf cart. “Take this to the ball but be warned, it will turn back into a plate of vegetables at midnight!” “You must be back at the White House by then!”

The Florida rally was magnificent, with lots of entertainment. There were clowns, jesters, and red-necked people with no teeth wearing MAGA hats. Chants of “Send them back!” filled the air and Donnie drank it all in like piss from a Russian hooker! But then came the magic moment, when David the Duke would read the winning tweet. Everyone held their breath hoping that they would be the biggest white supremacist.  Just then, Donnie looked at his Rolex and realized it was a minute from midnight and he had to go back to the White House. In the rush, he lost his hood but there was no time to retrieve it. As Gorka warned Donnie, the magic golf cart would turn into a plate of vegetables and he would have to walk home which is something Donnie had not done in years.  So Donnie took the magic golf cart home with only his robes and his white pride.

David the Duke saw the hood on the floor and asked, “Whose hood is this? It looks very special and I must know!” But everyone was silent, and the wizard ended the rally. “I must find the person who belongs to this hood,” he said to his assistant Steve King. So the next morning, David the Duke and his assistants went to each house in Washington to find who belonged to the hood. “I will try it on each head and the one it fits will be my champion!” When he came to the White House, the first to try it on was Stephen Miller. The hood did not fit because his head was shaped like a Nazi tank. Donald Jr. tried it on, but his hair was so greasy it slipped right off. Then Eric tried it on, but his head was so small it looked like a lonely potato in a fifty-pound sack.

Just then, Donnie appeared from his breakfast with bits of Egg McMuffin sticking to his pajamas. David the Duke saw him and instantly knew. He slipped the hood over Donnie’s head and it fit like the skin on a breakfast sausage.  “This is my successor!” David the Duke exclaimed and the MAGA kingdom cheered for their new leader and all was happy in white MAGA land.

So what, you ask, is the moral of this story? If the hood fits. Donnie, WEAR IT!

521

This week was Environmental Week at the White House and who better to lecture us on how to recycle raw sewage and make it appear presentable than the current pile of sewage in the Oval Office, Donald J. Trump. So we would all know how much better things are with him in charge, he gave a speech on Tuesday about many environmental topics, not the least of which was “forest management.” What you may not know is that “Smokey the Trump” INVENTED forest management. That’s right, no one ever thought about it before our stable genius president. So, in the spirit of helping prevent forest fires, the Clown Car would like to offer the following tips for what you can do to help:

  • If you are planning a camping trip, why leave that expensive Dyson vacuum cleaner behind? Next trip, bring it along and vacuum the forest floor before you pitch your tent. Smokey the Trump says that if everyone just vacuumed their part of the forest, it would cut down on wildfires by 3000 percent! Just ask Finland!
  • Are you planning to have a campfire on your trip? Well, Smoky the Trump says “think fire safety first!” As a precaution, always drink a lot so your bladder is chuck full. Then, before you crawl into your sleeping bag, piss all over that fire like a Russian hooker. As Smokey the Trump says, “Your pee may be all there is between you and disaster!”
  • Smokey the Trump reminds us that one of the most common causes of wildfires in our country is Mexicans crossing the border. They bring all that hot spicy food with them that is like gasoline on dry tinder. Smokey suggests that you place life-size cutouts of Stephen Miller all around the perimeter your camp to keep these dangerous pests away. And the best part is that Stephen Miller cutouts are available for free at the EPA! They are fireproof and made of high-quality asbestos which Smokey says is the safest material around.
  • And what should you do if you see a forest fire? Well Smokey the Trump’s sidekick, Pencey the Panda says, “Do what Mother and I do when we see a fire. Pray and God’s tears will put out the fire.”

So do what the people in Finland do and rake the forest floor every day. Because you never know when some fat ass idiot will come along and burn our country down!

520

Well, it’s that time of year again. Summer is upon us and we are busy grilling, vacationing and just enjoying the wonderful flowers growing in our garden. But there is nothing more annoying than having your beautiful flower beds or vegetable patch invaded by ugly, smelly, energy chocking weeds and flea infested vermin. And nowhere is the weed and vermin problem more evident than in Washington, D.C., where in the past two and a half years the weed and vermin problem has ballooned into a crisis.

In response to this burgeoning crisis in our nation’s capital, the Clown Car Update has teamed up with our Democratic Party partners to offer a newly formulated combination pest control and weed killer. Introducing “Trump-Be-Gone”, a powerful agent that will rid Washington of its pest population.  How does it work, you ask. Well, our researchers in the Clown Car laboratories have taken the essence of the best Democratic presidential candidates, mixed it with concentrated fact-finding, and added the catalytic agent Pelosi to develop the most powerful antidote to the weeds and vermin in the White House. Just aim the non-clog nozzle at one to the vermin or weeds and watch them squirm and shrivel.

Trump-Be-Gone works on the following pests and weeds:

  • Shrivel Weed, genus Wilburus Rossia
  • Milky White Weed, genus Mikus Pensus   
  • Coughing Bugs, genus Mikus Mulvanous
  • Dumb-Dumb worm, genus Benus Carsonia
  • Turtle Mites, genus Mitchus McConnellite
  • Gym fungus, genus Jimus Jordona
  • Mnuchin Rot, genus Hideous Smirkus
  • Pearl Clutch, genus Lidseus Grahamus
  • Wimp Weasels, genus Mikus Pompeo
  • Horn Rim Mites, genus Rikus Perryosis
  • DeVos Grub, genus Knowus Nothingus
  • Witch Weed, genus Kellyannus Conwayus
  • Trump Bloat, genus Kentucyia Friedus Chichinus Fat Assus

So remember, we don’t have to put up with this blight in Washington much longer. Well, any longer than 2021. In the meantime, get a bottle of Trump-Be-Gone and start ridding yourself of ugly pests that are depositing their droppings all over D.C. and by 2021 we can all be pest free and say “Trump-Be-Gone!”