Archive for December, 2021

On Tuesday the House Special Committee gave us all an early Christmas surprise wrapped up in a Fox News gift bag when it announced it would seek criminal contempt charges against former Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows for defying their subpoena. In doing so, Liz Cheney read some frantic text messages sent to Meadows while the assault was going on. Surprisingly, they came from some of Trump’s most prominent ass-pimples including Fox News personalities and the man whose stupid gene was so powerful it broke through a condom, Don Jr. While these revelations set the news cycle on fire like a Fox News Christmas tree, there were messages that only the Clown Car Update was able to obtain. So here are some of the texts we uncovered that Liz Cheney never mentioned:

Rand Paul: “I think my neighbor is in that crowd! Can you please convince Mr. Trump to stop the assault? I just shit my pants and all my spare underwear are in my office!”

Laura Ingraham: “It’s going to take eleven months to convince my audience this never really happened!”

Matt Gaetz: “This is really great but can you have the president stop the assault by three o’clock? I have to pick up my date at school.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “This is great, just like at the gym back home but can you tell the prez I can only have sex with one of these guys at a time!”

Tucker Carlson: “I hope someone is in there collecting names and email addresses for our next Klan fundraiser!”

Don Jr.: “Please tell my Dad to stop this attack. My dealer is in there and left my next batch of cocaine in Pelosi’s office!”

Louie Gohmert: “Hey I’m more confused than usual. Are these people here for my asparagus recipes?”

Mitch McConnell: “Send someone here quick! I flipped on my shell and I can’t run!”

Ted Cruz: “Goddammit! I’m going to miss my flight to Cancun!”

Paul Gosar: “I don’t see why everyone is getting excited. This gang is a lot friendlier than my family!”

Ron Johnson: “They are smearing feces all over the walls. Starting to smell like Steve Bannon. No worries, I have some Listerine.”

Steve Bannon: “I love the smell of feces! It smells like victory! Also, my bathroom.”

Of course, Liz Cheney didn’t read all the messages she had for Trump. There is one, in particular, she is saving for when the committee’s investigation is concluded. It reads, “You are all going to prison. Merry Christmas!”

It’s that time between Thanksgiving and Christmas when we all are asking ourselves. “Do we really have to buy a gift for that fart-producing, Trump-ass-kissing, pile of QAnon monkey-shit brother-in-law just because my sister forgot the condoms on prom night?!” Well, the answer is sadly “yes,” but it doesn’t have to be that hard. Surprise you’re favorite racist uncle with how much you know about right-wing whacko culture with these fine stocking stuffers you would rather stuff up their ass:

Covid-19 Research for Dummies: The is an easy-to-follow instruction book for all your personal Covid virus research. Noted virologist and world-class ass wipe Joe Rogan guides you through the steps you should take to find the cure that preserves your freedom. It is a book, so if you have trouble with reading books, get our companion guide, “Reading Books for Dummies.”

Capitol Riot Legos Set: Build your own insurrection with this one-thousand-piece Lego extravaganza! The kit includes enough pieces for a Capitol Building, one set of gallows for Mike Pence, a desk with Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy under it, and an authentic Federal prison for all the Lego Proud Boys. Bear spray is sold separately.

Q-Shaman on a Shelf: Forget the “Elf on a Shelf,” this guy will “horn” his way into your heart with his authentic-looking face paint and buffalo headdress. And Q-Shaman on a Shelf is posable. He can just sit there on your mantle, stand up screaming at the sky, or kneel with his mommy in front of a federal judge begging for organic food. Mommy and Judge sold separately.

Middle-School Barbie and Matt: This is the newest Barbie sensation compete with thirteen-year-old Barbie and a replica middle-school with a Matt Gaetz’ doll in a van outside. Matt’s outfits come with a prom tuxedo, bathing suit, and a set of handcuffs. The set includes two tickets to Barbados and a Venmo account. 

Supreme Court Action Figures: This is the conservative edition with your favorite right-wingers fresh from the Federalist Society Mint. The set includes:

  • Drunk Brett Kavanaugh sitting on a beer keg
  • Clarence Thomas holding a Coke can with a pubic hair on it
  • Amy Coney Barrett holding a gun to the head of a woman reluctantly giving birth
  • Samuel A. Alito wiping his ass with the Constitution
  • Neil M. Gorsuch lying to Congress at his confirmation hearing
  • John G. Roberts holding his hands over his eyes pretending this is a real court

LED Tiki Torches: Don’t go to your next White Supremacist demonstration unprepared. Light up your white shiny face and those tan khakis with these energy-efficient LED Tiki torches as seen in The Nazi Daily Caller. Run on three KKK batteries, not included.

Lauren Boebert fake afterbirth: Have fun all year round with this pure latex afterbirth that looks like the real thing! Just plop it in the front seat of your friend’s pick-up truck when they’re not looking and watch the fun! For extra fun, buy the optional Lauren Boebert blow-up doll holding a newborn and enhance the action!

Covid-19 Chemistry Set: This is the perfect companion to the “Covid-19 Research for Dummies” book. Everything you need to experiment with homemade Covid cures is in this kit. Bleach, Ivermectin, ultra-violet lights, Hydroxychloroquine, oleandrin, and much, much more! Test tubes, Bunsen burners, syringes, and needles are included. So start experimenting on your family this holiday season. What do you have to lose except stinky old grandpa!

Rudy Giuliani Oil Can: Thrill your drunk uncle with this oil can in the shape of Rudy Giuliani’s head. The next time he needs lubrication, your uncle will have fun squeezing the side of Rudy’s head and watching the oil spill out. Comes in a vibrator model for auntie too! (Oil can made by Four Season’s Landscaping. Vibrator courtesy of Fantasy Island Adult Book Store.)  

These are just a few of the wonderful gift ideas for that Right-Wing nut on your family Christmas list. Don’t let supply chain issues get in the way of a happy giving season with the family you’re stuck with. Here at the Clown Car, if there’s a war on Christmas, we have the ammo!

It’s December and that can only mean one thing: We are all about to go into debt we will not be able to pay off until June. That’s right, the War on Christmas is raging on Fox News and we are all busy trying to beat the supply chain crisis while avoiding anti-vaxxer shoppers at Wal-Mart. Sometimes you have got to take a break and The Hallmark Channel is offering forty-one new Christmas movies to help you unwind and watch how they make forty-one different movies from the same script. But did you know that for every movie that makes it to the Hallmark Channel, over one hundred scripts are rejected? Hard to believe any are rejected but here ath the Clown Car Update we have found some of the Christmas Movies you will never see:

A Boebert Christmas: Laura Boebert, caught in a snowstorm, is forced to deliver her baby in the front seat of her Ford 150 and is forced to take shelter in a small village of idiots. She fools them into thinking she is the Virgin Mary and just gave birth to the Messiah after her husband Joseph was killed a way back changing a flat tire. They are so excited that they elect her to Congress on Christmas Eve.

Snow for Christmas: Donald Trump Jr. has just one wish this Christmas and that is for Santa to bring him a pile of cocaine. Santa leaves a ton of cocaine in the driveway on Christmas Eve but hilarity ensues when Kimberly Guilfoyle mistakes it for snow and blows it into the neighbor’s yard.

Melania’s F**king Christmas Stuff: Melania hates Christmas so on Christmas Eve she is visited by the ghost of Christmas future who shows her a hallway full of Christmas trees dipped in blood. Instead of frightening her, she decides to decorate the White House just like that.

An Anti-Vaccer Christmas: The residents of Nucklehead, Maine do not believe in the Coronavirus or vaccines. So on Christmas Eve, the Omicron strain visits the little town and kills everyone in it.

How Joe Manchin Stole Christmas: Joe Manchin hates Christmas so plots to take it away from the old and the poor by stealing their Social Security checks and food stamps on Christmas Eve and leaving them dirty piles of coal instead. But on Christmas Day he is surprised to find that Christmas came anyway because they all had direct deposit.

A Slammer of a Christmas: They stormed the Capitol and all they got was a lousy prison sentence but the QAnon guys have their Christmas hopes rising as rumors circulate that JFK, Jr. is going to appear on Cristmas Day as the new warden.

A White Trash Christmas: It’s Christmas in Georgia’s 14th Congressional District and Marjorie Taylor Greene has a plan to win the annual trailer decorating contest. Her plan goes awry when her husband comes home drunk and drives his truck into her Used Tire Christmas tree display.

Matt’s Gaetz Middle School Christmas: His van is decorated for the holidays and he’s parked outside the schoolyard. What lucky fourteen-year-old girls will get to see Matt’s Yule log this yearA Very Bannon Christmas: The Bannon family’s Christmas is threatened by an outbreak of head lice but is saved by an Orkin pest control man stuck in the snow outside the house. He de-louses the entire family and is invited to pick fleas off Steve at Christmas dinner.

A White, White, White Christmas: Host Tucker Carlson joins a cast of White supremacists singing the favorite Christmas carols of the New Confederacy including his favorites, “There’s a Reason Snow is White,” “Of Course Santa Clause Is White,” and “Adolph the Nazi Reindeer.”

And after Christmas join the gang at Fox News for their New Year’s Eve extravaganza and watch the new Tiffany Corona Virus ball drop to reveal what variant will ruin 2022!