Archive for June, 2021

Is there trouble in Trumpington? Well, if you believe the reporting from CNN this week, Ivanka, the Daphne Trumpington of the story, and Jared, her Simon Bassetthound, Duke of Hastyexits, are trying to distance themselves from the now deposed monarch of the realm, King Donald Duck Trumpington the XLV. All the Kushners want is to return to the center of the social life they once had and rid themselves of the stench of the four years her father spent in the White House pissing all over America like a Russian hooker with a leaky bladder. According to CNN, the even though they live close by to Mar-A-Lago, their visits have become as infrequent as Donald Trump’s bowel movements. So how do you know when your own spawn can’t stand the smell of a loser-father? Well, here are the top ten signs your kids don’t want you to call anymore:

10. Last week, Jared and Ivanka were seen shopping for a Father’s Day gift at the “Ten Foot Pole Store.”

9. Ivanka’s Father’s Day card included an Ancetry.com paternity test.

8. Jared and Ivanka’s children stopped referring to Donald as Pop-Pop and now refer to him as Pop-Off.

7. Jared and Ivanka sent Donald a note saying “It’s not you, it’s US!”

6. During his last days in office Ivanka cut out all lap-dances.

5. When speaking to Donald, Ivanka and Jared use untraceable burner phones.

4. Ivanka asked Donald to treat her any differently than Eric or Tiffany.

3. While vacation in Cancun, Jared and Ivanka requested asylum.

2. The Kushner’s new return address is the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office

1. “Donald Trump? I think he was the coffee boy?”

Of course, we all should take this reporting with a healthy dose of hydroxychloroquine and a side of bleach because here at the Clown Car Update we find it hard to believe that Kushvanka would ever completely separate themselves from that big ass of a cash machine, even if they have to smell of the gas. So I think the best case scenario is that the Manhattan DA’s office will soon help the Trumpingtons have a second season as one big happy family sharing a cellblock somewhere in Git-Mo-Lago.

He’s back in New York and he’s pastier than ever. Who else can we be talking about than Donald J. Trump, Mr. Orange Marmalade stuffed into a suit. As crowds gathered, a gaunt and pale ex-dictator-in-exile oozed from the back seat of his car to reveal that his back seat has added an addition. As reported this week in the Daily Mail, the Lemonade Lad looked “exhausted.” Even though he moved back to New York to avoid the Florida humidity, it looked as if his fat ass melted and sank to the bottom of his pants. It wasn’t pretty.

And to make matters worse, it was reported that the oversized Oompa Loompa’s former make-up wizard is about to write a tell all book of her life-threatening days making up the former Swamp Rat each day. And as always the Clown Car Update has been able to obtain some advanced excerpts from the still unfinished transcript. Here are some of the revealing and repulsive details that will probably have you running to the store for Brain Bleach:

  • His hair is not really hair but fur taken from dead subway rats dyed blonde. The elaborate hairdo is held together with super glue and finished off with Kentucky Fried Chicken grease.
  • Lindsey Graham has a bad habit of leaving huge hickeys on Trumps ass after an afternoon of kissing it. “He was a real hard sucker and really left some purple marks that were hard to cover up,” we were told.
  • Trump had his spray tan applied as he laid flat on his bed as she dripped it onto his face, a technique he said he learned from a Russian hooker in a Moscow hotel.
  • Trump wore finger extenders to make his hands appear bigger. They were actually inspired by KFC chicken tenders.
  • Hope Hicks would assist the make-up artist each day in pulling back his massive jowls and forming a knot at the back of his neck.
  • Trump’s eyebrows were actually made from dead wooly caterpillars.

These are just a few of the shocking revelation that the make-up artist has in store for her revealing memoir. But from what we were able to see from the transcripts so far, we were reminded of the immortal words of Redd Foxx when he observed, “Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone!”

Has this ever happened to you? You show up at an important political speech and your pants look like an airbag went off in your crotch. Or worse yet, all over the internet people are Tweeting that you put your pants on backwards. Well, fret no more because here at the Clown Car Update we have opened a new clothing outlet that will solve this problem for men and women of all tastes and sizes. Welcome to the MAGA Warehouse, where fashion sense left the station years ago. Our entire clothing line is manufactured using the finest fabrics from around the world and manufactured in some county you never heard about except in U.N. relief ads. And they are all guaranteed wrinkle resistant so it never looks like you look like you dropped an accordion down your pants.

Let’s look at some of the lines we offer at the MAGA Warehouse:

  • The Donald Trump Line: This line is made for the the extra large businessman on the move, or not moving much as the case may be. We feature a much roomier fit than our regular line adding yards and yards of extra fabric so you feel like you’re walking in a circus tent. And speaking of tents, the pants have hidden, reinforced eyelets so they can double as a lean-to in case of inclement weather. And check out our Trump sports line while you’re at it featuring tennis shorts with a spacious trunk for that “extra cargo!”
  • The Matt Gaetz Line: You never want to show up at middle-school looking like a creepy middle aged man looking for a hookup with a fourteen-year-old. And here at the MAGA Warehouse we never will let that happen to you. Our saggy pants and hoodie sets are designed to tell the security guards at the door “Thirty-eight? Are you kidding? Look at my clothes!” And while you are here at the MAGA Warehouse, visit our formal wear department and show up at the prom looking spiffy with a corsage in your hands and a boner in your pants.
  • The Marjorie Taylor Greene Line: That’s right ladies, we haven’t forgotten you here at the MAGA Warehouse. We have a full line of clothes for women on the assault! Our white linen collection is just perfect for that Klan meet-up or just relaxing in your office cleaning your assault rifle. And you will love our cargo pants and shorts so wherever you go you are sure to be full of shit! And check out our full line of accessories like brass knuckles, bull horns, and periscopes for leering into your fellow congresswoman’s mail slot.

These are just a small sample of our wide range of clothing options for the fashion unconscious. Like the Rudy Giuliani pants with a special front pouch to make it easy to check your junk. Or the Joe Manchin bi-partisan line for those times you just are going nowhere fast. So come to the MAGA Warehouse where we make it simple to put your pants on one impeachment at a time!

It’s been five months since the attack on the Capitol on January 6 and some of you insurrectionists are understandably depressed. Some of you have been arrested, others have just been rejected on their dating apps. But for some of you, the loss of Trump and the false hopes of QAnon have left you, well, sexually challenged. There is a medical name for it. It’s called Lost Insurrection Major Penis Erectile Dysfunction or LIMPD.

If you have been LIMPD since January 6, you are not alone. Over one-thousand men have reported a lack of insurrection erections since returning home or to a federal holding facility. In fact, just this past Memorial Day weekend, at a conference of LIMPD QAnon true believers, a question was asked of Michael Flynn,  “I want to know why what happened in Minamar [sic] can’t happen here?” (Of course the questioner meant “Myanmar” but no one really expects QAnon to know anything about real countries.) Well, we know that the question was just code for “What if you can’t get it up anymore since Trump stopped torturing children at the border! I’m asking for a friend!”

Well, boys, there is hope! Here at the Clown Car Labs we have teamed up with Antifa/BLM Pharmaceuticals to bring back that just-committed-a-federal-crime feeling to your penis with INS-ERECTION, the blue pill for that LIMPD dick. INS-ERECTION is specially formulated to work fast so when your sister says, “I’m READY!” you are ready to go before mom and dad get home! Our formula is a combination of bear spray, pepper spray, and fibers taken from insurrection-used Trump flags to offer quick flashbacks of the day you showed the world you were a very SPECIAL asshat. Now you can have a Capitol riot in your pants anytime the time is right.

Don’t take INS-ERECTION if you are in jail or expect to be in jail. Stop using INS-ERECTION if you develop an allergic reaction to democracy or if you have a family history of Nazis. People using INS-ERECTION have reported having thoughts of Jewish Space Lasers and ballot eating chickens. If you have such thoughts, seek medical attention. If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call Matt Gaetz to get hooked up with a high school freshman.

So when at your next family reunion your cousin says “meet me out in the barn” or that Marjorie Taylor Greene blow-up doll is looking tempting, be ready with INS-ERECTION. INS-ERECTION: Helping Trump thumpers stand up for America!