Archive for May, 2016

3872

This week on Episode 387 of The Tim Corrimal Show a great national nightmare is upon us. Donald Trump, the narcissistic orange menace from reality TV has ascended to be the presumptive nominee of the Republican party.  Like it or not, that raises the possibility that he will become the 45th president of the United States. The fear of this prospect has spread faster than head lice at a Trump rally. And the fear is palpable, and has even inspired a dating site to help Americans hook up with a Canadian partner.  It’s called “Maple Match”   and according to its website “makes it easy for Americans to find the ideal Canadian partner to save them from the unfathomable horror of a Trump presidency”.

Well the entrepreneurs at Clown Car headquarters see another unfilled need for refugees fleeing the United States to Canada and that is, how will you move to Canada and how quickly you can get there.  Our solution:  “Maple Leaf Express Moving, Storage, and Identity Protection”.  We are a full service transportation and relocation company serving all 50 states. No matter where your Canadian destination is, we can relocate you in 24 hours to any of their 10 provinces with complete secrecy and under cover of night.  Our services include:

  • Packing. Whether you are a Muslim hiding a Quran or a Democrat packing away a Bernie or Hilary lawn sign, we have you covered. We will discretely pack your secrets in unmarked cartons and ship them in our trucks equipped with hollow compartments. Undocumented? No problem. We have special air conditioned compartments in our spacious vans to hide up to a party of 10!
  • Compete cleanup. Yes, we will leave your old home with less evidence than the Benghazi Committee.  We vacuum, dust, disinfect, and wipe all fingerprints from your former life. Even your Democratic voting record will be purged. President Trump will never find you. By the way, Your new name is Maurice, and you were born in Montreal!
  • Emergency 24 hour service.  Is Donald Trump Tweeting insults about you?  Has he called you a loser and threatened to destroy you in 140 characters or less? Did someone sounding like Donald Trump call and claim to be “John Miller”? Hang up immediately and Tweet us at @getthehelloutoftherenow!  Our reach is bigger than Donald Trumps hands and we will be at your door in less that 10 minutes guaranteed or the move is paid for by Mexico! You will be air lifted with one of our helicopters to a safe-house  in Calgary while our expert staff cover your home with a fumigation tent to conceal the move.
  • VIP Priority Service. For an additional fee, we offer our moving services to former Republican officials, officeholders, and pundits who failed to endorse Donald Trump. This is a special service with limited availability, so call soon. In addition to all our other relocation services, it includes an obituary in the New York Times declaring that you died a loser and made a deathbed apology on tape for President Trump. You will be given death certificates and witnesses who swear they saw you cremated. This service comes with a “White House Immigration Guarantee” (WHIG).  Just use the code word “Megyn Kelly” when calling or ordering online.

Take the worry out of fleeing the United States under a potential President Trump.  We will worry for you and since we at the Tim Corrimal Show are already very, very worried, why not put all that negative energy to good use. So call us at 1-800-OMG-FLEE or visit our website at uhaulass.com. And remember, it’s not the size of our trucks,  it’s how we use them!

 

 

385

On Episode 385 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we speak with God.

Recently, Glenn Beck pulled his head from out of his anus and told America what he found up there.  And what he found is truly Beckian! Apparently, God or the universe is putting us to a test, and whether or not we make the right choice will determine if He removes his protective hand from the United States.  According to Beck, George Washington and God had a “covenant”, just as he did with Moses.

The Clown Car was skeptical, so we contacted God on the telephone. We caught up with him at a Prince concert and he was gracious enough to take time from the music to speak with us about George Washington and the current election cycle:

CC: Thanks for taking time away from the concert to speak with us. So, it looks like Prince took no time at all to start rocking this place.

G: Yea, we were sorry you lost him, but man, he has turned this place PURPLE!

CC: So to the point, Glenn Beck has quoted you as saying that if we don’t elect Ted Cruz president, you will destroy the covenant you made with George Washington and destroy the United States. Would you care to comment?

G:  Remember that debate when that booger fell out of Ted Cruz’s nose? Well, that is exactly where Glenn Beck and Ted Cruz came from.  They are basically boogers that fell out of my nose.

CC: So you don’t endorse Cruz or Glenn Beck’s version of history?

G: Look, they are both mistakes, everyone makes them, I’m no exception.  Look at that Scalia.  I originally thought he would make a good brain surgeon, but some joker admitted him to law school and another one of my big mistakes put him on the Supreme Court. Oh, and speaking of brain surgeons…

CC: Let me interrupt to stay on point: So you don’t like Beck or Cruz?

G: You know, I would kill them right now,  except that they would ruin a great party up here with Prince and David Bowie.  The last thing I want are those two up here whining and kissing my ass.

CC: So to be clear you do not have a favorite candidate in the current elections?

G: Jesus, are these people down there stupid or what?  That was actually a question for my son, Jesus. He’s over there dancing with Janis Joplin. He’s shaking his head “yes” and twirling his finger making the “nuts” sign.

CC: And finally, this covenant with George Washington, any truth to it?

G:  Look, the guy suffered from motion sickness, OK? So I gave him Dramamine patches so he could cross the damn Delaware without throwing up.  I did ask him to not run the country with a king.  I really had it with kings after Solomon pulled that stunt with the baby. He was a real hot dog, if you know what I mean.  And don’t get me started on Herod!

CC: Well, thanks again for speaking with us and clearing up some of the rumors that Beck has been spreading about you.

G: No problem. And don’t worry about that Cruz guy becoming president.  I just killed his changes today by giving him the idea of naming Carly Fiorina his running mate. BOOM goes the dynamite!

We left God laughing and waving his hands like someone who just pulled off the greatest practical joke.  And as we departed, he formed a hashtag with some clouds that said #VoteBlueNoMatterWho.  Great advice from the big guy!