This week on Episode 387 of The Tim Corrimal Show a great national nightmare is upon us. Donald Trump, the narcissistic orange menace from reality TV has ascended to be the presumptive nominee of the Republican party. Like it or not, that raises the possibility that he will become the 45th president of the United States. The fear of this prospect has spread faster than head lice at a Trump rally. And the fear is palpable, and has even inspired a dating site to help Americans hook up with a Canadian partner. It’s called “Maple Match” and according to its website “makes it easy for Americans to find the ideal Canadian partner to save them from the unfathomable horror of a Trump presidency”.
Well the entrepreneurs at Clown Car headquarters see another unfilled need for refugees fleeing the United States to Canada and that is, how will you move to Canada and how quickly you can get there. Our solution: “Maple Leaf Express Moving, Storage, and Identity Protection”. We are a full service transportation and relocation company serving all 50 states. No matter where your Canadian destination is, we can relocate you in 24 hours to any of their 10 provinces with complete secrecy and under cover of night. Our services include:
- Packing. Whether you are a Muslim hiding a Quran or a Democrat packing away a Bernie or Hilary lawn sign, we have you covered. We will discretely pack your secrets in unmarked cartons and ship them in our trucks equipped with hollow compartments. Undocumented? No problem. We have special air conditioned compartments in our spacious vans to hide up to a party of 10!
- Compete cleanup. Yes, we will leave your old home with less evidence than the Benghazi Committee. We vacuum, dust, disinfect, and wipe all fingerprints from your former life. Even your Democratic voting record will be purged. President Trump will never find you. By the way, Your new name is Maurice, and you were born in Montreal!
- Emergency 24 hour service. Is Donald Trump Tweeting insults about you? Has he called you a loser and threatened to destroy you in 140 characters or less? Did someone sounding like Donald Trump call and claim to be “John Miller”? Hang up immediately and Tweet us at @getthehelloutoftherenow! Our reach is bigger than Donald Trumps hands and we will be at your door in less that 10 minutes guaranteed or the move is paid for by Mexico! You will be air lifted with one of our helicopters to a safe-house in Calgary while our expert staff cover your home with a fumigation tent to conceal the move.
- VIP Priority Service. For an additional fee, we offer our moving services to former Republican officials, officeholders, and pundits who failed to endorse Donald Trump. This is a special service with limited availability, so call soon. In addition to all our other relocation services, it includes an obituary in the New York Times declaring that you died a loser and made a deathbed apology on tape for President Trump. You will be given death certificates and witnesses who swear they saw you cremated. This service comes with a “White House Immigration Guarantee” (WHIG). Just use the code word “Megyn Kelly” when calling or ordering online.
Take the worry out of fleeing the United States under a potential President Trump. We will worry for you and since we at the Tim Corrimal Show are already very, very worried, why not put all that negative energy to good use. So call us at 1-800-OMG-FLEE or visit our website at uhaulass.com. And remember, it’s not the size of our trucks, it’s how we use them!