Archive for March, 2017

420

This week on Episode 420 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we have obtained a letter sent from the Kremlin to Donald Trump separating him from their employment. Following is the letter our agents intercepted:

Dearest Donald,

It is my sad but necessary duty to inform you that the Kremlin, specifically President Putin, has concluded that your services are no longer needed. It was not easy to reach this conclusion since he had placed so much hope and resources into making you appear to be a rational human being. This was obviously a mistake given your propensity to act like a complete oaf.

This action is sad, given the wonderful hopes we had for you and how promising our relationship seemed to be. Starting when you came to Mr. Putin to borrow money for a cab back to your hotel, we thought we had a solid relationship. We provided you with all the aid you needed to succeed. We gave you funds, we gave you support, and we gave you our finest urinating prostitutes. We cleaned those sheets and even had your hotel maid killed afterward. And to prove our loyalty to you, we filmed the whole thing and have safely hidden copies all over the world. All this was done because we thought you were a talented conman who was able to pull off a swindle of the American people without them realizing what we had done. We were obviously mistaken.

First, we never expected that Access Holywood tape and really, you should have tipped us off. While we fully appreciate your sexual proclivities as demonstrated on the many videos we all have enjoyed over the years, we never suspected that you would actually admit such things in public. Don’t take this the wrong way. Those videos have certainly been a big hit at Mr. Putin’s office parties.  But really, Mr. Trump, grabbing pussy? Please, Mr. Trump, a little public decorum would have helped.

Then, there is your constant tweeting. Please, Mr. Trump, unlike your taste in women, you are not thirteen. Your fingers are better used for other purposes, like that weird twirly thing you did with your penis. It really gets a lot of laughs every time we watch it at happy hour. But we digress because you really have to stop tweeting about Obama. Forget Obama, it wasn’t him that bugged you at Trump Tower, you idiot, that was us! How do you think we ensure you are living up to your part of the bargain?

And that brings us to our main point. We thought you would be smart enough to keep everyone in your country distracted while we annexed a few more countries like Ukraine and maybe Poland, Belarus, Hungary, and Romania if everything went exactly right. But your fumbling little fingers just proved to your people what we know all along. You have the self-control of a teenager sitting in the bathroom with his father’s porn collection. By the way, does Melania let you do that thing you do on tape with your hair and belly buttons? That is hilarious!

In closing, we along with President Putin would like to thank you for your service to Mother Russia and our prostitution industry. We also have our sincere promise that those videos will never, ever be given to WikiLeaks if you default on your loans. That was a joke, of course. They already have them. So President Putin extends his best wishes for your future endeavors. But from the way we saw you handle the repeal of Obamacare, we have concluded that it is time to repeal and replace you.  We ask that you return the keys to the hotel room, the rubber sheets, and the penis extender we loaned you. In short, Mr. Trump, you’re fired!

 

 

 

419

On Episode 419 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we reported that presidential press secretary Sean Spicer is resting quietly tonight at the convent of Our Lady of Perpetual Talking Points after a night-long ordeal. D.C. police were summoned on Saturday night when neighbors heard what they thought was a disturbance coming from Mr. Spicer’s apartment.

When police arrived, they found Mr. Spicer levitating and frothing at the mouth. He was covered in what appeared to be an Easter Bunny costume. “His big bunny head was turning three hundred sixty degrees,” reported Officer J.D.Tippit of the D.C.P.D.  “Mr. Spicer’s head kept banging on the ceiling and he kept moaning the words ‘microwave ovens’ over and over”, said Tippit.

EMT’s quickly shot Mr. Spicer with tranquilizer darts to calm him down. He was only slightly bruised when he fell on his bunny head. He was rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center where he was given an MRI and some carrots. Doctors at Walter Reed determined that the secretary was not in control of his actions and his speech were actually coming from a demonic possession. This is what Hospital personnel, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of HIPPA rules, told us:

It was clear to all the doctors that Mr. Spicer was possessed. All that was left was the shell of the man and the voice of a demon screaming ‘fake news’. He was chewing bubble gum as huge bubbles would explode and shake the room. We called for a Catholic priest!

The priest,  Father Joseph Dyer from Georgetown, arrived on the scene and recognized the demon immediately. “It’s the Trumpzuzu. I have vanquished him before, and this is his revenge.” He quickly went to work, again described by medical staff:

Fr. Dyer found Sean lying on the bed where he had ny now lost control of his bowels. . The stench was unbearable. He was screaming something about Sean Hannity and Judge Napolitano and began to rise from his bed. Fr. Dyer yelled, “I cast you out, orange spirit, in Jesus name, boggidy, boggidy, boggidy, amen!”  Spicer moaned, “You are fake. You are so dishonest!” At that point, Fr. Dyer pulled out President Obama’s birth certificate and shouted, “It is Obama who commands you!” With that the specter of a huge blond wig jumped from Sean’s body and flew out the window! Mr. Spicer crashed back onto his bed and went silent. We all thought he was dead but Fr. Dyer assured us he would be OK now that he was free of Trumpzuzu.

And the Clown Car is pleased to report that after the exorcism Mr. Spicer was moved here to a convent where he will be rehabilitated. Here at Our Lady of Perpetual Talking Points, the Passionist nuns will have to re-teach him to eat, walk, and put on a lapel pin right side up. And the nuns are hopeful that Mr. Spicer may even be able to deal with facts again some day. Fingers crossed. Needless to say, our hopes and best wishes go out to Secretary Spicer and his bunny family.

 

 

418

On Episode 418 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we dive into the crazy world of Trumpcare and the iPhones for healthcare world of Donald Trump. Yes, this week Jason “I Can’t Look My Daughter In The Eye” Chaffetz explained Trumpcare this way: Give up your iPhone and by health care instead. They have even started running a TV ad campaign!

Welcome to Crazy Donnie’s Health Care Emporium!

Here at Crazy Donnie’s Health Care Emporium, you can pawn for procedures. Lost your Obamacare? No worries, we have you covered here at Crazy Donnie’s. That’s right, we have a complete line of medical procedures designed just for you and your family! No money, no problem! Our pawn-for-procedures shop is open twenty-four hours a day, seven days week. Just come in and choose from the largest menu of medical procedures in the world and our friendly staff will arrange for an almost-doctor to evaluate your condition. Headphones for hernias, phlebotomies for flat screens, iPhones for eye surgery, we have it all. And we won’t be undersold!

Need a kidney, don’t piss away your money. Need a lung, breath easy with our generous trade-in plans. Have a nasty cut, we have cut our prices on all stitches and bandages so low you will never faint from blood loss again! And now, for the upcoming Easter and Passover observances, we have cut our prices even lower. Just listen to these health care bargains.

  • Mole removal, regularly two iPhones and now reduced to a Blackberry.
  • Liver transplants, regularly going for a smart TV, for this limited time only, reduced to a one-thousand-watts microwave.
  • Colonoscopies, now at a low, low price of one surround-sound system! And if we remove a polyp, ITS ON US!
  • Prostate cancer screening, normally costing a cable box and a Roku, for a limited time available for one XM radio (one-year subscription required).

And that’s not all! Browse our March blow-out flyer for extra savings. And speaking of blow-outs, if you blew out an appendix, our surgeons are ready to cut it out for the low, low trade-in of an electric dryer. Other March specials include heart stints, new or refurbished. New stints starting at a toaster oven. Refurbished for an iPhone5.

Speaking of the Ides of March, look into our Eyes of March Special! Lasix surgery, cataract removal, detached retina repair and more! Trade in your Kindle and we will have you seeing so good you will almost be able to read our malpractice release form. With over a century of eye surgery under their belts, our vision doctors Ron and Rand Paul will cut your corneas without cutting corners. And if you can’t see after they’re finished, we offer a full refund and a coupon for five dollars off a pair of dark glasses.

It’s March Madness at Crazy Donnie’s! Do you have erectile dysfunction, we’ll have you popping up for a pop-up toaster! Need a heart bypass?  Our staff physician Dr. Ben Carson will take a stab at it, and he is a stabbing expert! Oh, sure he’s a brain surgeon, but hearts are just brains in your chest, just like slaves are just involuntary immigrants. Push, pull, or drag in your old vehicle for new heart valves or up to four bypasses.

Transplants, broken arms, broken legs, broken toes, broken promises, we have them all at Crazy Donnie’s! And remember, if we can’t treat it, you shouldn’t have it! Crazy Donnie! His health care plan is INSANE!

 

417

On Episode 417 of the Tim Corrimal Show we tackle the question left from this week news: Will the Trump be sharing a cell or be given individual accommodations. Whichever way this goes, a smart investor would be looking into companies that make handcuffs. Soon after Trump held the first ever Klan meeting in front of a joint session of congress, the tweets hit the fan. First, there was a Washington Post report that numerous Trump campaign workers, including the shiny new AG,  were actually little Russian dingleberries hanging off Putin’s ass. Almost simultaneously, the New York Times reported that anticipating that Trump cultists would try to wash away evidence in a drum of Kool-Aid, Obama administration officials squirreled away evidence damaging to the Orange Oracle.

And if that was not enough, on Friday the first leprechaun in history to be appointed AG was forced to recuse himself from any investigation of the Trump campaign because he accidentally kissed the Russian ambassador’s ass in full view of his staff. That was enough to put the Lemon Lout into an epic twitter frenzy on Saturday that had his aides running for the life boats.

So the Clown Car Update wants to know just when did Sergey Kislyak infiltrate the White House and how do we know?  Here are the top ten clues that a Russian agent has compromised the White House:

#10 There is electronic feedback coming from Trump’s wig.

#9   Before directing your call, the switchboard operator says “Das vadanya!”

#8   The presidents Big Mac just asked him so speak more clearly

#7   That painting of Andrew Jackson just winked!

#6   Ever since the White House cook’s mysterious death, the soup of the day is borscht.

#5   The president’s intelligence briefings are suddenly in Cyrillic script.

#4   The Olympic Doping Committee has asked your staff for urine samples

#3   Putin’s Face is suddenly on all the White House screensavers

#2   Who ordered the red curtains?

#1    No, that wasn’t Sean Spicer in that Easter Bunny costume!

Incidentally, Mr. Trump, Sergey wants you to know he will return your wallet as soon as his people are finished copying your account numbers. But look at it this way, Donnie, that investment you made in all those private prisons is about to pay off!