Archive for December, 2016

409

For Episode 409 of The Tim Corrimal Show, a parody with apologies to Clement Moore:

“Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Trump Flats
All his creatures were stirring, white supremacist rats:
Their hoods were all hung in the hallways with care,
In hopes a white Santa Clause soon would be there;

Trump’s children were nestled all snug in gold beds,
While visions of trust-money danced in their heads;
And Bannon in his robes, and Conway in fake lashes,
Had just finished the last of their media bashes,

When out in the press pool there arose such a clatter,
They crawled from under their rocks to see what was the matter.
Away to the flat screens they flew like a flash,
Flipped on the remote to watch Dana Bash.

The tint of her skin was as white as the snow
Reflecting the panic in the chyron below,
When what to their terrified eyes should appear,
But Trump’s miniature fingers tweeting Christmas Eve fear,

With his trusty old iPhone, so easy and quick,
They knew in a moment it was their orange skinned prick.
More rapid than lawsuits his tweeting storm came,
As he whistled, and shouted, and called them bad names;

Jail Clinton, Chris Cuomo, Katy Tur, that’ll fix her!
Then Tapper, then Maddow, then that ugly Wolf Blitzer!
To the top of Trump Tower! To the Mexican wall!
Now disappear, disappear, disappear all!

As misstatements in a wild tweetstorm do fly,
When they meet with the fact-checkers, continue to lie,
So up to the newsrooms his invectives they flew,
With a lot of misogyny and racism too.

And then, in a twinkling, the news it got worse
Now he was tweet-bashing Miss Universe.
As they covered their eyes and turned down the sound,
Down the escalator Trump came with a bound.

He was dressed in Trump clothes, with a shaggy blond wig,
And a hat made in Mexico, and a tie from Beijing
A bundle of tweets was stuck on his phone,
And he looked like he just passed a kidney stone.

His eyes – how they raged! His tweets would not go!
His cheeks turned bright orange, the iPhone was slow!
His droll little mouth looked like his butt hole
And his multiple chins looked like doughy soft rolls

His stumpy fat fingers kept tapping the screen,
As he yelled, “Tweets are frozen and I’m gonna scream!”
He had a broad ass and a taco bowl belly,
With a tattoo that read, “I hate Megyn Kelly”

He paced and he mocked, a right nasty old elf,
And they cringed when they saw him, in spite of themselves;
But his twitching left eye and his nasty Trump frown,
Soon let them know they better humor this clown;

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
Then gave back the iPhone to the fat orange jerk,
The tweets were all sent, so thumbing his nose,
He went to the exit and up the escalator he rose;

As he entered his penthouse, to the press gave a shout,
And away they all flew to report on the lout.
But they heard him exclaim, ere he slipped into his den,
IF YOU THINK IT’S BAD NOW, WAIT UNTIL I’M SWORN IN!

408-1

On Wednesday, the news leaked out of the plans for the 58th Presidential inaugural and they promise to be Trumpian. no little hands here, just all big hand on deck to make this the most tremendous, hugest, inaugural in history. It will beat all the other inaugurals combined, bigly, and the Clown Car Update has obtained an exclusive copy of the planning for Episode 408 of The Tim Corrimal Show. These are the details we are aware of as of today:

Priority Booking at Premier Inaugural Hotel
You and your designees will recieve priority booking for up to eight hotel rooms at your own expense. Unfortunately, nearly all the hotels in the D.C. area have been closed due to serious health and safety violations discovered by the Trump administration’s HHS department. Fortunately, one hotel in the D.C. area did pass the inspection, The Trump International Hotel, Washington, D.C. Rooms are going fast, so get your reservations in early. There is a four-month minimum stay.

Exclusive Inaugural Events for $1,000,000+ Underwriters

You and your designees will receive the following allotment of tickets to a special event:

  • Leadership Luncheon – 4 Tickets

An exclusive event with Cabinet appointees and House and Senate leadership. Our most generous supporters will be treated to view a live lobotomy performed on Mitt Romney by the Secretary of HUD-designee, Ben Carson. Afterwards, Mr. Romney will greet attendees and apologize for saying nasty things about the president-elect.

Tickets to Official Inaugural Events:

You and your designees will receive the following allotment of tickets to official inaugural events:

  • Vice President’s Dinner -4 Tickets

An intimate and completely heterosexual dinner with Mike Pense and his female wife. Pizza and cake will be served by Indiana vendors who cater exclusively to straight couples. Since these bakers are celebrsting their religious freedom, LGBTQ underwriters are excluded from this event.

  • Ladies Luncheon – 8 Tickets

An opportunity to meet the ladies of the first families. First Lady Melania Trump will address the attendees with a speech formerly given in 1962 by Jacqueline Kennedy.

  • Victory Reception – 8 Tickets

An entertainment-filled welcome reception. Scott Baio will thrill the crowd with a re-enactment of his most popular scenes from his hit show, “Joanie Loves Chachi”with Sen. Joanie Ernst playing the Erin Moran parts. The finale will feature the newly castrated Sen. Ted Cruz reprising his role in the college production of “The Crucible”.

  • Candlelight Dinner – 8 Tickets

An elegant dinner with special appearances by President-elect Trump or a cardbeard facsimile. In honor of the fossil fuel indistry underwriters, candles will be replaced with gas lamps and oil-burning torches. The ballroom will be heated by coal donated by miners from West Virginia who still believe that Trump will get their jobs back.

  • Inaugural Concert and Fireworks – 8 Tickets

An exciting celebration on the National Mall with musical guest Ted Nugent playing his one hit song over and over again. After the concert, Ted Nugent will shit his pants when he hears the fireworks to commemorate the way he avioded the draft.

  • Parade – 8 Tickets

A celebration of our nations European origins stretching from Capitol Hill to the White House on historic Pennsylvania Avenue. The parade will feature The Hoods and Robes Marching Band and will conclude with a cross-burning at the end of the route. There, Steve Bannon will be awarded the Medal of Freedom.

  • Inaugural Ball Premier Access – 8 TIckets

A black-tie affair with premier access tickets which allow entrance to any Kentucky Fried Chicken, Burger King, or Taco Bell in the D.C. Metro area. Sorry, but in deference to the HUD secretary-designate, there will be no Popeye’s venues.

Presidential Swearing-In Ceremony – 8 Tickets
Be there when white America gets its country back with the swearing-in of Fuhrer Trump. He will be sworn in on a copy of “Art of the Deal” by Russian President Valdimir Putin with an invocation by Julian Assange. Assange will then be granted a presidential pardon for making this day possible. Putin will be given Poland.

Hospitality and Transportation
Due to the deportation of all hospitality workers and shuttle drivers, no service will be available to you or your designees.

Recognition
Your corporation will be recognized on all official inaugural printed material and all legislation benefiting your industry. Continuing access to President Trump can be purchased though the Trump Foundation or Trump University.

Of course, some of the original plans for the gala had to be abandoned. The origonal plans were to have Trump flown to the inaugural platform in a helocopter and lowered to the podium. Those plans had to be scraped when test dummies kept losing their wigs in the transfer. Also, Trump complained that there was nothing to grab on the helocopter since none of the Miss Teen Universe contestants would fly with him.