Archive for October, 2014

On Episode 314 of The Tim Corrimal Show we celebrate Halloween with an “Ode to the GOP Halloween Clowns”:

 

They roam the night this time of year

To feast upon your brains

The seers of doom, with tales of fear

The end is near, they claim!

 

They hunger for your very soul,

They crave your bones and flesh

They never seem to get enough

Their pits are bottomless

 

For centuries they sucked our blood

And terrorized our towns

They’re known by many names you know,

Republicans, Tea Clowns

 

They come in many forms and shapes

They offer circuses and bread

They say they’ll help you, make you rich,

Then leave you to the dead!

 

One comes as Christie, large and loud

He blocks your bridge and mocks

Another comes as Voldemort,

You know him as Rick Scott

 

Another glows all orange bright,

The Speaker of the House!

To us he growls, barks, and cries

But to his ghoul friends  he’s a mouse.

 

Some dress in robes like reapers,

With their bony hands outstretched,

“Your civil rights are dead”, they screech,

“Your Constitution wrecked!” 

 

But the worst of them we never see

They hide in behind their cloaks,

They feed the beasts and fires of hell

They are the Brothers Koch.

 

And soon they’ll knock upon your door,

They’ll ask you for your vote

They’ll promise treats but give you tricks

Then throw you in the moat.

 

They’ll scare you with Ebola,

Or Islamic terrorists,

They’ll promise to protect you,

From harm and all of this.

 

But all they really want is power,

Fame and cash and more,

And all you get is pain and debt,

And endless years of war.

 

So listen friends, you are forewarned,

With my scary little rhyme,

Get out and vote, defeat these ghouls

And tell them “not this time!”

On Episode 313 of the “Tim Corrimal Show”, our Clown Car Driver of the Week is Chuck Todd. Legend has it that the late Tim Russert mistakenly hired Chuck Todd when he was actually answering an ad for NBC’s rest room attendant. Tim mistakenly hired him to work in the news department. It is rumored at NBC that that Mr. Russert had his fatal heart attack after he realized what he had done.

On Tuesday, Chuck Todd appeared on MSNBC’s daily three-hour Republican infomercial called “Morning Joe”. The ever-repugnant Joe Scarborough invited Chuck to regurgitate his political opinions all over our perfectly good breakfast. Joe, sporting the now fashionable Rick Perry horn rimmed glasses, played a clip in which Alison Lundergan Grimes refused to disclose whether she ever voted for Barack Obama. Well that made Chuck’s receding hairline quiver with anger. “How will she ever be able to cast a tough vote in the Senate if she won’t answer a simple question”.

Well, the secret there, Chuck, is that senators and congressmen do that all the time. You just never noticed because your cable at the RNC does not have CSPAN. Then Chuck’s face turned redder that the hair on his chinny chin chin and he erupted; “This disqualifies her from ever serving in the senate.” Scarborough got a shiver up his leg and the Republicans had a new campaign ad.

Within minutes Kentucky voters were treated to a the new ad featuring Chuck Todd’s endorsement of the only man without a chin to serve in the U S Senate, Mitch McConnell. Chuck had finally reached his goal of being a spokesman for the GOP. But he had to fake surprise because, at least for now, MSNBC is pretending to lean forward as opposed to the right.

So on Wednesday night he brushed his goatee and went on “All In with Chris Hayes” to declare how the ad made him “sick to his stomach”. But, as all good Republican do after saying something stupid, he doubled down on his remark and said “but she brought it on herself”. That’s right, Ms. Grimes forced Chuck to make an ad for Mitch McConnell. And she got off easy. After all, if you upset the moderator of Meet the Press, you can be looking at years of congressional oversight hearings. Just ask Susan Rice.

Oh, and a note to Chris Hayes; I know you probably were coerced into having Chuck on your show but beware that you are kicking the Clown Car tires and you may end up in it’s trunk.

The clown of the week is Rep. Tom Cotton,  (R-Ar) who is challenging Sen. Mark Pryor for a senate seat. This week, Mr. Cotton held a conference call on which he promoted a meme that has been floating around the Right Wing Nut-O-Sphere for a few weeks now. The hysteria is over an imaginary plot by ISIS to join with the Mexican drug cartel to produce a super villain ready to kill all Americans. Well, maybe just nine out of ten Americans if we take the expert opinion of Frank Gaffney (Just threw up in my mouth).  The conference call garnered so much attention that Fox News invited Tom on to spread the fear to all their old, white, Jesus loving, gun toting viewers. It’s now the biggest hit of the Fall television season. It could have been written by H.G. Wells or Stanley Kubrick, and it now available on the most popular fiction network in America.

The series is called  “Fox News Fiction Theater  2000: The Day of The MexIS” and you can watch new installments every day.  It’s first installment is a Doocy! (Oops, I meant doozy). It is narrated by Rep. Tom Cottton  who, in the opening episode introduces us to a monster more heinous than any seen before by white Christian America. It has the body of an undocumented alien and the head if an Islamic terrorist. It is “The MexIS” and it combines two of Fox News viewership’s worst fears; brown people and and people who worship in Mosques.

In the Season 1 premier, Tom Cotton tells the story of the Mexican cartels and the Islamic State “friending” each other on Facebook. Everything seems benign at first but there is evil lurking to the south. In the opening scene, right wing seer of all things scary, Frank Gaffney, is speaking during an urgent bulletin on Fox News. (Yes, I know EVERY bulletin is urgent on Fox News, but just go with it). His message?  The MexIS is about to knock out the U S power grid and kill “9 out of 10 Americans” in about a year. That time estimate is approximate, he explained,  because it might me less if our supply of beer and episodes of Duck Dynasty run out sooner! And there is only one man standing between you and this fate; Rep. Tom Cotton of Arkansas. He knows this threat and he knows how to stop it . Simply elect him to the US Senate and he will stop The MexIS, and its allies Sen. Mark Pryor and Barack Obama from turning your country into a brown, Islamic dystopia. Will the citizens of Arkansas wise up in time? Will The MexIS devour all that is good, white, and Christian? Will Duck Dynasty be renewed? Well, no spoilers here! You will just have to watch Season 1 of “Fox News Fiction Theater 2000: “The Day of The MexIS”.

In addition, Seasons 2 and 3 are already in the works for the “Fox News Fiction Theater 2000” series. Season 2, scheduled for release during the next “Obamacare” enrollment period, deals with the threat of Canadians who try to trick Americans into universal access to health care. Then, in Season 3, due out in November of 2016,  liberals infiltrate Hobby Lobby and substitute birth control pills for rhinestones in the craft department.

Don’t forget to listen to “The Tim Corrimal Show” this week which features the “Best of the Clown Car”  and great music from Rocky Mountain Mike. Tim and I will be back next week with a new show .

 

This week Bill O’Reilly got into a public head to head battle with Jon Stewart. More accurately you would call it “empty drum” to head, but then I digress. Bill proposed to fight evil whenever and wherever it rears its Islamic head. How, you ask? The infidel is in the details.

Bill would raise an army of about 20 to 25 thousand highly paid, elite killers who would kill our enemies whenever we called them, sort of like the Corleone Crime family on steroids. These killers would dedicate their lives to nothing but sitting around in unmarked bunkers eating raw meat and watching training films such as “The Hunger Games” and “Zero Dark Thirty”. When needed, we would just shine a spot light in the air that displayed the silhouette of an AK-47 and they would spring into action, killing, bombing, pillaging, and causing men with beards to drop their face masks and run for their live. But their lives would be over because our guys would be invincible. And who would be in charge and responsible for this task force? Charlie of “Charlie’s Angels”.

Jon Stewart wasn’t the only critic to belittle the plan. That bastion of liberalism Charles Krauthammer called the plan stupid and ill advised. But Bill insisted that the number of military experts who have called him to tell him that his plan was brilliant would surprise us. He’s right. We would be surprised. We would also want to know if they are currently serving so we could have them properly medicated.

Bill has a Plan B though. He is not just a one trick pony. And speaking of ponies, that’s the other plan. We are mostly fighting Arabs, right? And Arabs love Arabian horses, right? Well then, we just pretend to offer them a gift of peace in the form of a giant wooden Arabian horse. Inside we hide 100 of our best mercenaries from Plan A. The bad guys are so happy with their new horse that they celebrate all night, get drunk and pass out. Then our hit men sneak out of the horse and kill them all in their sleep. You would be surprised how many Greeks have called him to tell him the plan is brilliant. Not many Trojans, though.

Bill’s Plan C is even better. He would force 12 convicted felons to parachute behind enemy lines at night. Then, during the evening happy hour, they would infiltrate the festivities disguised as bad guys and kill all their generals. Bill thinks this plan is good enough to make into a movie. I wonder what they would call it? Anyway, there you have it. Bill has solved our problem with terrorists, and all while writing another revisionist history book titled “How Stalin, Castro, and Osama bin Laden Assassinated General George Patton” on sale at Hobby Lobby.

And don’t forget to listen to Episode 312 of The Timcorrimal Show!