Archive for November, 2018

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Early Wednesday morning, after suffering a scorching rebuke by the American people in the Mid-Term elections, Donald J. Trump’s ego was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center with crushing injuries. Apparently, The Ego was so crushed that it took several aides to keep it alive long enough for emergency medical technicians to get it on life support.

The emergency call from the White House came in the early morning hours of Wednesday and was kept confidential so that the public would not become aware of the severity of The Ego’s injury. However, the investigative reporters at the Clown Car Update have uncovered the chilling story of what transpired as the president’s ego shut down. According to sources in the White House who spoke with us on condition of anonymity because they have just distributed their new job search resumes, Trump’s ego began to show signs of illness about eleven in the evening when networks announced that the Democrats had flipped the House of Representatives and that Nancy Pelosi would become speaker. However, staffers became really concerned when Trump’s ego developed an irregular heartbeat after it was announced that two of the new Democrats elected Tuesday night, Rashida Tlaib in Michigan’s 13th and Ilhan Omar in Minnesota’s 5th, were Muslims.

White House medical personnel were able to stabilize Trump’s ego for a time early Wednesday morning. However, when it was announced that two other Democrats who won, Sharice Davids in Kansas and Debra Haaland in New Mexico, were Native American, his ego’s breathing became irregular. Ultimately, emergency services had to be called when The Ego stopped breathing after MSNBC announced that Ms. Davids was also gay. “I haven’t seen his ego so crushed since Stormy Daniel’s description of his penis went public,” one staffer told us, “it was scary!”

Doctors at Walter Reed were unable to give the Clown Car Update details of The Ego’s condition, other than to say that in situations similar to this, it may take months to recover. In the meantime, we have learned that surgeons were able to give Mr. Trump a temporary ego so he could continue his duties as president. “We warned him that temporary egos may be fragile, so he probably shouldn’t hold any press conferences for a while,” one doctor told us off the record. Then he chuckled, “you know, like his penis, these things have a tendency to mushroom!”

 

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By now we have all seen the news clips of Trump climbing the stairs to Air Force One with an umbrella, only to be totally confused as to what to do with it when he got to the door. What do you do? Well, take it from President Trump, rain shower or golden shower, you never want to be caught unprepared. So you look at the local weather forecast and if it looks like rain, you grab an umbrella. But umbrellas can be very confusing. First, you have to unwrap that little Velcro tape. Then, you have to find that thingy that opens, and finally, you have to push it all the way up until it latches. There is so much that can go wrong and you don’t want to struggle with a complex piece of technology when you are getting wet or peed on. And then, what do you do with it what you don’t need it anymore? You are stuck at the door on Air Force One and now what? That’s why our researchers at the Clown Car Update have developed the simple solution to all your rainy or pissy days. So today, we are Introducing the Trump Brand “Disposable Umbrella for Humans” or the DUH!

With the DUH, you never have to struggle again with the messy mechanisms of modern umbrellas because they are permanently open and are totally disposable. No complicated opening and closing, you just grab it, use it, and leave it. As our president says, “wow, umbrellas used to be really complicated. Who knew. But with the Disposable Umbrella for Humans, I just walk up the stairs to Air Force One and leave it there, just like it was one of my wives!” And DUH’s come in a variety of colors from off-white to bright white, just like Republicans. So you never have to worry about your wardrobe choices because as any Republican will tell you, white goes with everything! And as an added bonus, our umbrellas come with an optional pointed top so you not only stay dry but also can also defend yourself from the caravan advancing from Mexico.

So call now and order the Trump “Disposable Umbrella for Humans.” Our troops are waiting at the southern border to take your order since they have nothing else to do anyway. And if you call in the next thirty minutes, we will include a can of our Shiny Lacquer Hair Spray absolutely free for those windy days when you are just having a bad hair day. And while you are on the phone with one of our friendly agents, ask to sign up for our newsletter. You can be first to hear of our newest offers, like the soon to be released non-stick toilet paper. It avoids the endless news clips of you walking up the stairs with the remains of your last pitstop stuck to your shoe. So order the Trump Disposable Umbrella for Humans today and the next time you are wondering what to do with that umbrella, just say what our president says: DUH!