Archive for February, 2021

As we enjoy the beauty of the new Biden Administration and the last four years fade away, something else happens. This February, as temperatures drop, so do the chances of survival of Republicans who voted to convict Trump. These poor souls are trapped without protection. The unlucky ones have about as much chance of making it to the 2022 primaries as Ted Cruz has of having a soul. These abused officeholders, abandoned even by their own families, are desperate to be loved. But for many of them, time is running out and that’s why we need your help today.

Republicans like Liz Cheney, a mixed breed of Pitbull and bats, now chained outside of the Fox News studios in the frigid cold shot in the face like one of her father’s hunting partners. Or Adam Kinzinger, turned out by his family with a note attached to is neck disowning him. Ironically, it was signed by his cousin named “Karen!”

Please, please take action to save a Republican this winter and help the American Society for Republicans In Need of Shelter by visiting today or calling 1-800-imnotq right now. Just sixty-three cents a day and you can help rescue and save a censured Republican from a life of isolation and twitter attacks. Call now, or in the next ten minutes and you will receive our free membership kit which includes:

  • A subscription to RINOS Magazine with articles of outcast republicans and the Democratic families that took them in.
  • A picture of a rescued Republican whose life was saved by your generous gift. Sorry, Mutt Romney’s pix are sold out.
  • A limited-edition tee-shirt that says “Censured Republican Champion.”
  • A pair of Mormon Magic underwear.

Please, in the next few minutes we ask you to go online and donate what you can to save these lost Republicans from a winter without a caucus. We won’t stop until these Republicans are given shelter from vicious Twitter attacks and the feeling of warmth and love or in other words, become Democrats.

Are you in huge legal trouble? Are you facing impeachment again? Has your original legal team walked out on you because even lawyers can only stretch ethics so far? Then we may have the help you need. Attorneys David Weir, John Knott, and James Goode are ready to plea your case. Yes, at the Weir-Knott-Goode law firm, your case is almost over before it begins. That’s because at Weir-Knott-Goode, we have a combined three months’ experience in law stuff. Our part-time semi-professional staff will afford you the best legal representation that anyone with no other alternatives can get.

How do we do it? Simple. We have very low overhead. We share our offices with Four Seasons Total Landscaping in the same strip mall used by high-profile lawyers like Rudy Guiliani and Sydney Powell. And we have no student debt to pay off because none of our staff have ever attended a Law School in the United States. That’s right, we obtained our legal training in the most prestigious law school in all the third world, the University of Kazakhstan’s online law school. We have passed over 40% of the bar exam and are very close to winning our appeal after our law licenses were suspended. And our para-legal staff assures you of the best research we can find on Google. Yes, although we do not have a vast legal library, we do share a mostly secure WiFi network with our strip mall neighbors, Fantasy Island Adult Book Store.

And we are proud to announce that we have recently added two of the most wanted attorneys in the United States, according to FBI sources. David Schoen, Michael Van der Veen, and Bruce Castor add needed warm bodies to our already prestigious legal staff. They have a long history, but we will not go into that right now. Just rest assured that if you are impeached, they will show up on time and say stuff to the Senate. Guaranteed!

Like our other neighbors The Delaware Valley Crematorium Center say, “Don’t let your dreams go up in smoke. Let us do it for you!” Attorneys David Weir, John Knott, and James Goode along with Schoen, Vander Veen, and Castor will see your case to its brutal end. So, if you are impeached and need legal advice, just remember Weir-Knott-Goode!

More people suffer from them than you think. They affect people from all walks of life and all political parties. Mitch McConnell has them. Kevin McCarthy certainly suffers from them. Yes, we are talking about
Q-morrhoids, those painful reminders that sometimes having all that crap back up in your party can cause a real painful flair-up. But your butt doesn’t have to suffer thanks to the relief offered by our product, Preparation-Q.

If you are a Republican leader, you may feel awkward talking about Q-morrhoids, but considering nearly three out of four red states will elect one to the Congress in your lifetime, you’re far from alone — and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Let’s break down the facts.

What are they?

Basically, Q-morrhoids are conspiracy kooks with swollen brains. Q-morrhoids form when not enough oxygen gets to their brain, their social media pages fill up with too much crap, or they strain too much while thinking, speaking, or otherwise put too much pressure on their heads. Every red state has these candidates, so odds are at some point in your life you’ll have an issue. Q-morrhoids can be internal, meaning they’re located inside your caucus, or external, meaning they are a real pain in your ass.

How do you know you have them?

Signs can include weird conspiracy theories, white supremacy, antisemitism, and general kookiness . You may also feel or see a lump protruding from your anus that appears to be Matt Gaetz. Q-morrhoids can have a real impact on your happiness if you’re planning to become Speaker of the House in 2022, so don’t be afraid to talk to your Democratic colleagues. Most likely, they will give you a quick and painful kick in the ass and tell you to clean up your act or they will clean it up for you. There is no shame in seeking help!

Do they hurt?

The simple answer is “yes!” Especially that Marjorie Taylor Green. These can act like a big clot blocking anyone in your caucus from sitting comfortably next to her. Sometimes you can alleviate the pain by using a soft pillow under your butt or over her face.

How do you treat them?

Most Q-morrhoids will eventually lose re-election, get indicted, or become Fox News contributors. But there are some ways to feel better in the mean time. Start by incorporating idea-rich members into your caucus who can keep real progress flowing without backing up your system causing you to strain to produce. And remember, if you can’t control your Q-morrhoids and do have a flair up, get a tube of Preparation-Q, stop your whining and stick it up your ass!

There is a disease spreading across America. It has already killed and disabled Americans. It is vicious and unrelenting and comes in misleading disguises. No, I’m not talking about COVID-19. I’m talking about GOP-CoV-45 or the Republicanitis Virus. Sometimes GOP-CoV-45 is hard to detect because it is an insidious disease that can masquerade as a senator from Missouri or the leader of the House minority. This disease is as slippery as Ted Cruz covered in vaseline. So knowing you have this disease can be tricky. Here are some common symptoms to help you know when to seek help:

  • If your kids are named Adolf, Vladimir, or Q, you may be a republican.
  • If you think the American flag has the name “Trump” on it, you may be a republican.
  • If you tried to kill your friend’s pet gecko because you thought it was a lizard alien paid by George Soros to force you to wear a mask, you may be a republican.
  • If you have ever had your head stuck between Trump’s ass cheeks, you may be a republican.
  • If the only letter in your alphabet is “Q”, you may be a republican.
  • If you think COVID-19 is code for a human flesh topping at Comet Ping Pong Pizza, you may be a republican.
  • If you have a hood for every day of the week, you may be a republican.
  • If you think camouflage is a fashion color, you may be a republican.
  • If you think camo cargo pants, a kevlar vest, and a zip tie is formal wear, you may be a republican.
  • If you have a sales receipt for your soul, you may be a republican.
  • If you think Marjorie Taylor Greene ever had a soul, you may be a republican.
  • If you own a David Duke bobblehead, you may be a republican.
  • If you think the Sermon on the Mount was about Jesus giving instructions on how to properly mount your gun before pulling the trigger, you may be a republican.
  • If you have to look up the word “empathy” in the dictionary, you may be a republican.

If you or any of your family are exhibiting any of the signs of GOP-CoV-45 take a golden shower and please see an exorcist professional as soon as possible. Hopefully, if we can flatten the curve of the spread of GOP-CoV-45, we may be able to wipe it out completely by election day 2022!