Archive for January, 2017

413

Offered for your consideration, on Episode 413 of the Tim Corrimal Show, the curious case of Kellyanne Conway.  A normal little girl, who one night fell from her bed, hit her head and rolled underneath. There, unknown to her or her family was a portal into another dimension. Despite her parents’ attempts to bring her back, Kellyanne was lost to a world where lies become fact, tiny is large, and five people are considered a large crowd. Despite their desperate attempts, from that point on, Kellyanne was to live her life in a world of imagination, a place of fantasy a place of horror, a place known as…The Trump Zone.

As our story opens, Kellyanne’s parents are frantic because their daughter has come under the spell of a creature who is with her in the unknown dimension. She describes him as an orange saviour, someone who knows all and sees everything, even if what he sees is not really there at all. He sees large crowds where there is absolutely nothing. He believes that he is extremely wealthy and that millions of people love him, even though in this strange place there is no one but him and Kellyanne. And most frightening of all, he is able to lure people from our own dimension into his with a strange device called a Blackberry and something he refers to as a Twitter.

Fearful that more people like Kellyanne will be lured in by this orange menace, her parents frantically search for an expert in the field of interrogation and truth. Instead, they are only able to find a curious little man with a weird haircut named Chuck Todd. Chuck immediately goes to work and begins to ask Kellyanne questions, trying to make her see that what is true in that dimension is not true in ours. He started with what he thought would be a simple test. Holding up a photograph of the Trump inaugural next to one of the Obama inaugural, he asked Kellyanne, “Which of these pictures has more people?” The delusional child was quick to respond, “Why the Trump one, of course, Chuck!” Everyone was befuddled because the Trump picture was blank while there were over a million people in the Obama photo. “But Kellyanne, the Obama crowd is obviously larger. Can’t you see that?” “Oh, Chuck, you are just being overly dramatic!”, Kelly snapped, “you simply can’t see the ten million people in the Trump photo, but I and the Trumpoid can!”

Chuck was beside himself. Apparently, in the other dimension, facts don’t matter and the inhabitants see what they want. Chuck had seen this during acid trips and crack hangovers, but never in an entire universe. He tried to reason with Kellyanne, “But what you are saying is a lie. It just isn’t true.” But Kellyanne was unshaken. Thoroughly under the spell of the Trumpoid, lost in a dimension full mirrors and smoke, she was no longer attached to reality. “We have another word for lies here, Chuck, they are called ‘alternative  facts'”

Chuck was stunned! As word got out that an entire universe existed based on “alternative facts”, our world began to panic. What was real was not real anymore. Everyone began to question what was true or what was fake. Drivers began driving on the wrong side of the road, police no longer issued tickets to drivers following “alternative speed limits”, Vladimir Putin wore a shirt and Mitch McConnell had a chin. Yes, the world was burning and everything we thought was true was now in question.

Kelleyanne Conway. An ordinary little girl in extraordinary circumstances, trapped in a world of tiny fingers, orange skin, and terrible combovers.  A little girl with a bump on her head and a ticket to a world of illusion caught somewhere between sanity and a place that is known as…The Trump Zone.

412

This week, on Episode 412 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we investigate The Swamp Things! They were formed in an industrial accident when doctors, billionaires, crooked CEO’s, and Russian agents were accidentally splashed with a golden shower and, in an attempt to wash it off, ran into… Trump Swamp! The chemical reaction of urine and bullshit caused them to transform into The Swamp Things. Part dung, part snake, and part vegetation, they emerged from Trump Swamp to menace Capitol Hill, posing as cabinet appointments. For hours they waged a battle this week with our heroic defenders, the Senate Democrats, who skillfully fought off every attempt to cover Washington with the slime that they would fling from their deformed mouths.

First swamp rat was Betsy DeVos, who came from the Amway family fortune. Now anyone who has been to an Amway party knows, this will smell of cheap plastic and end with us taking an empty container we have no use for. Betsy tried to defend having guns in schools by using the same logic Ralphie used to get his mother to let him have a BB gun for Christmas:

Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski’s candy store!

That’s right, in response to Sen Chris Murphy’s question about the guns in schools, she gave the “Ralphie Defense”, “I think probably in Wyoming, I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies,” DeVos said. Yes, when grizzlies attack, Betsy wants her schools to be ready. But Sen. Murphy had the perfect response, “You’ll shoot your eye out, Betsy!”

The next swamp rat was Tom Price, the doctor turned stock broker congressman. When asked about investing in a company just six days before he sponsored legislation that would increase its value four-fold, he simply responded, “my broker did that.” That’s right, it was just a coincidence, like when you hire hookers to piss on your sheets and they end up with yellow stains.  Go figure!

And then came Ben Carson, the neurosurgeon turned building inspector. He will be your next HUD secretary and his intentions are pure. When asked if he would prevent the president’s businesses from making money on programs intended for the poor, he assured us of what we all knew, “It will not be my intention to do anything to benefit any American.” That’s right, while he’s the HUD secretary, no one gets anything! And anyway, Ben wonders if we need an entire department dedicated to a 1963 Paul Newman movie anyway. “I think the money would be better spent on preventing Ebola from being weaponized. “So if there were a container of contaminated urine, and somehow it managed to find its way to someplace a lot of damage could be done. Someone comes up to a lab worker. He knows he’s got the urine. ‘How would you like to have a million dollars?’ … Such things have been known to happen.” Yep, Ben, just ask your boss.

And finally there was the Energy Department’s answer to Dumb and Dumber, Rick Perry. At his hearings, he apologized for ever wanting to dissove the agency he now wants to lead. After all, he misunderstood what the Department of Energy did. Before this hearing, he thought it was wasteful to have an agency dedicated to maintaining a bunny banging a drum. When the senators informed him that he would be responsible for nukes, he was visibly shocked.  “I thought it was just about batteries,” he told the senators, ” I never imagined there were microwave ovens involved. I thought this job would be as easy as 1,2,…uh…I can’t think of the other one. OOPS!” And he looked so smart with those horn-rimmed glasses.

So as this week’s confirmation hearings only confirmed on thing: When you wade into a swamp, you’re going to stink. But since this is only the first full week of the Trump presidency, give it a while. Just like swamp fungus, it may grow on you!

 

 

 

 

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On Episode 411 of the Tim Corrimal Show we say move over Ron Popeil because there’s a new kid on the block and his tiny fingers are working fast. This week he introduced the next great invention everyone will want in their cabinet, just like in his. Yes, I’m talking about the newest time-saver from Trumpco, the Democracy-O-Matic.

Are you always wasting time trying to be politically correct? Does working around the Constitution have you wasting hours of precious time? Is the press always getting in the way of your latest propaganda? Well just look at how Democracy-O-Matic can save you time and give you perfectly cut soundbites in just seconds. Originally inspired by the German engineers of the Third Reich, Democracy-O-Matic is the perfect tool to cut and dice every kind of inconvenient law, ethical rule, resonable practice, or rights of the minority. Just place the parts of Democracy you don’t like in the top of the shredder and out comes perfectly minced pieces of what used to be your country.

Democracy-O-Matic comes with five convenient blade settings for every thing you want to shred. Have a large press pool to deal with? Just set the blade to hack and all the real journalists are cut out leaving just the perfectly shaped right-wing fact twisters. Serve them up with Russian dressing and you have propaganda bites as good as Putin’s.

And you can throw away thos old julienne blades. we replaced them with the Kellyanne blade to turn ugly little shitstorms into perfectly sliced explanations that no one will recognize. And how about that cumbersome Constitution? No need to spend time and money on lawyers and hours of preparation. Just insert the Democracy-O-Matic’s precision slicing blade to remove the parts of the Constitution you don’t like and keep the juicy ones that everyone in your party enjoys. Watch how easy freedom of the press, the right to due process, and the emoluments clause fall away leaving only the Second Amendment and slavery. You can just take all the other freedoms and protections and flush them right down garbage disposal. And when it comes to demolishing affordable health care for twenty million people, the job is made easy by attaching the snap-on death panels.

And that’s not all. If you order now we will throw in our award-winning Pee Shooter. Just load it up yourself or with a Russian hooker and spray away! Either way you can defile any chair, bench, or bed that your predecessor slept in. You can even spray it around the office. What better way to establish that you are the alpha dog in the pack than by marking your territory with Trumpco’s Pee Shooter. And the best part, it is dishwasher safe. Just put it on the rack with all your other dishes and utensils.  And don’t worry, pee is sterile!

So order now and start shredding democracy just like our president-elect. And remember to use the code “Putin” when ordering and our agent will include a second Democracy-O-Matic and Pee Shooter absolutely free. You just pay additional shipping and loss of your right to a fair trial. Shredding democracy doesn’t have to take a lot of time, it can be done quickly, just like Donald Trump is doing.

Democracy Shredder: The easy way to turn your democracy into a Banana Republic smoothie!

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Are you like our POSPOTUS* and full of shit? Are you feeling the need to pinch a loaf?  Are you experiencing diarrhea or constipation just like the Orange Overlord’s brain? Does the mere thought of Donald Trump having access to the nuclear codes send you rushing to the bathroom to avoid dropping a deuce in your pants? Well why not enjoy the “go” since you will be spending a lot more time on your toilet during the next four years? Well here on Episode 410 or The Tim Corrimal Show, The Clown Car has the perfect pastime to make your nature’s call enjoyable and challenging. You can now pass the time away playing the new toilet game, “Potty President”. Inspired by the popular games “Potty Basketball” and “Potty Golf”, “Potty President” is a fun pastime to play while you are passing gas, whether from your ass or Trump’s mouth.

Feel like the most powerful man in the world as you grunt and groan your way through the Trump presidency. Just drop your pants around your ankles and put your fingers on the nuclear codes. They look just like the real thing, too! Our wireless control module directs the action while you attack your enemies on a 3D map of the world. Just hang the map on the back of the bathroom door and bombs away! Yes, while you are blowing mud you can be blowing up North Korea, Iran, or that columnist from Newsweek who said nasty things about you.

And as an added bonus, you can tweet your war games on the provided Twitter account. Tell the world in one hundred-fourty characters how wiping out China was as easy as wiping your ass. And there’s more. If you are among the first three-hundred to purchase “Potty President”, we will include our wind-up Kellyanne Conway. She will accompany you every time you drop some shit on the world and explain how it just doesn’t smell like an ordinary person’s. Of course the president doesn’t make stinkers, that smell must be from Hillary Clinton! With Kellyanne there in the bathroom, all your farts will be spun into a lilac smelling fragrance and foul odors explained away as just the lingering smell left by the press.

So don’t wait. Make your next poop pop with all the excitement of crapping on the country like Donald Trump. And while you are at it, don’t forget our accessory kit which includes a blond comb over wig, a roll of U.S. Constitution toilet paper, and gold foil to make your commode look just like the one the Trump uses. Included in the accessory kit is a wind-up deplorable doll that will cheer for you every time you drop a loaf.

So don’t let bathroom time be a boring time. Let loose with nukes while you let loose with your colon just like the real Trump does. Taking a dump doesn’t have to be unpleasant. The next time you drop the kids off at the pool take “Potty President” into the bathroom with you! And don’t take our word for it, just listen to this testimonial from President-elect Trump:

Whenever I feel the need to grow a tail, I always take along ‘Potty President’, so while I’m squeezing a streamer, I can nuke China all at the same time!

So share a shit with the president, after all,  you’ll be swimming in his crap for the next four years!

*POSPOTUS copyright © 2017 by Kenny Pick