Archive for August, 2019

From the Book of TrumpGenisys

In the beginning, there was nothing. Trump looked over the void and was sad because there was no one to tell him how wonderful he was. So on the first day, Trump said, “Wow, it’s bigly dark in here!” So he stumbled around to find a light switch. When he finally found one, he flipped it and the lights came on and he said, “Hey, look what I invented!” even though it was Thomas Edison.

On the second day, Trump divided the light and darkness when he realized that flipping the switches on the wall turns the light on and off. When it was light, he could see that he was all alone and very hungry. So he said, “Let there be fast foods of all kinds!” And Trump was pleased as the Earth was made plentiful of meat, and cheese, and curly fries from McDonald’s, Burger Kings, and KFC. And after his belly was bloated he said, “Let there be a diet Coke!” and it was so. And when he was full, he turned off the lights and said, “Let there be Twitter!” And a little bird appeared and his thumbs created infinite nonsense. “But who will follow me and read this shit?” Trump asked.

So, on the Third Day, Trump looked over his creation and said, “Make America Great Again and populate it with uneducated dopes who will look to me as their god!” And the United States was filled with toothless fat white men who praised Trump as their only god. Trump looked it over and was pleased.

On the fourth day, Trump said, these poor white men are lonely and need companions. So he took the last tooth from each fat white man and made Trumpettes who would cook and clean and fetch beer and have pregnancies they didn’t want. And he gave the men dominion over the women and commanded that they grab them by the p****. And he looked over what he did and was pleased.

But on the sixth day, things went haywire! It seems one of God’s angels decided to piss on Trump’s parade like a Russian hooker. First, Trump’s son Eric was born. Then, one of the women said, “Fetch your own fucking beer and grab me one more time and you will lose that hand!” And the #metoo movement had begun. Then some of the darker people demanded equal rights as did the LGBTQ people. And people from strange lands demanded asylum. And the fat white men became scared and prayed to Trump to save them from gay weddings, Muslim congresswomen and dental hygiene. Trump became angry, so he held rally after rally and told his followers he would “send them all back” and “lock them up!” They cheered him on and called him the chosen one and he was pleased.

On the seventh day, things really started to unravel when the people started to demand Trump be removed and a new election held. And then the economy began to crumble and the sky grew dark as the empty coal mines. And the factories began to close and the crops lay rotting in the fields because of Trump’s trade war. And the Big Macs and Happy Meals churned in his stomach as the farmers rose up against him, as did the factory workers. Trump tried to calm the masses by telling them it was all fake news. He blamed the Federal Reserve, and Jews who vote for Democrats. And then he became very tired and took the rest of the day off to golf.

And that is the gospel of Trump. Go Pricks!

This week, our Clown Car Moron of the Year for three years in a row, Steve King (interrupted only by a five-year streak by Louie Gohmert) came up with a theory that we the Clown Car Update felt needed to be tested. King floated the idea that if it were not for rape and incest, civilization may not even exist. He said, “Considering all the wars and all the rapes and pillages taken place and whatever happened to culture after society? I know I can’t certify that I’m not a part of a product of that.” Well, we at the Clown Car decided to verify just what nut tree Steve King was shaken loose from. So we shook his family tree on You just enter a name and click on the clues which are designated by little white hoods next to the names. Here were the results:

  • Bubba “Cantaloupe Calves” King (1884-1926) – Steve King’s grandfather. He was married seven times, six ending in divorce after each wife attempted to kill him. He died in his sleep but foul play was suspected when he was found with a large cantaloupe stuffed in his mouth. His wife claimed to not know how the cantaloup got there.
  • Oscar “Snakes” King (1850-1895) – Steve King’s great-grandfather. He was nicknamed “Snakes” because his head rattled every time he shook it. He died suddenly at a Klu Klux Klan rally when he walked into a burning cross after forgetting to put eye slits in his hood. 
  • Adair “Oak Tree” King (1826-1865) – Steve King’s great-great-grandfather. Adair King was rumored to be able to have nails driven into his head which he often did to entertain his guests. It has been documented that Adair suffered from a rare condition called “Oak Skull” that rendered the victim’s head as hard as a rock. He died during the Civil War at the age of thirty-nine from a termite infestation.
  • Arty “Chuckles” King (1788-1846) – Steve King’s great-great-great-grandfather. Arty was the black sheep of his family which was not a good thing for a clan of early white supremacists. He angered his father who was a prominent figure during the revolution by following his dream to be a stand-up comedian. He was a favorite of the Mohegan and Muskee tribes in the Catskills. He reportedly died of a peyote overdose. 
  • Rory “Wrongway” King (1742-1820) – One of the lesser-known founding fathers, Rory King was overruled when he proposed that they call the new country “Xanadu.” He was scheduled to be the first signatory of the Declaration of Independence but got lost on the way to Philadelphia and ended up in what is now Cleveland, Ohio earning him the nickname “Wrongway.” He is remembered in Cleveland history as “The Rory by the Shore.”

You will notice that does not list any female ancestors of the Kings. No woman ever admitted in historical records of having sex with one of the King men. As a result, the names of these unfortunate victims will never be known. But one thing you should look out for, when you shake Steve King’s family tree, watch out for the falling nuts!


Soon after his visits to Dayton (or was that Toledo?) and El Paso, the president was rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center due to an apparent lack of empathy in his body. Sources who were aboard Air Force One and who spoke with the Clown Car Update on condition of anonymity because they are cowards told us that after the visits, they noticed Trump’s thumbs were twitching and that his usual orange color had turned a bright red. “It was a very scary thing to witness,” one staffer told us.

Apparently, Trump was in a bad mood all day because of the disruption in his golf schedule caused over the weekend by the tragedies in those two cities. Forced to pretend to care, the condition was later exacerbated when he was forced to read a speech on Monday that condemned white nationalism and had the word “unity” in it. The staffer explained, “We never told him what was in the speech and the symptoms appeared almost immediately as he read what we wrote on the TelePrompTer.” Apparently Trump’s symptoms included incessant sniffling as he read the words prepared for him. After the speech, according to our sources, he apparently recovered when Kellyanne Conway showed him pictures of children in cages. “It always soothes him,” the staffer explained.

During the tour of the cities, he seemed to be fine, according to the staffer, because everyone kept telling him he was getting big ratings and everyone loved him. It was on the way home, however, that he somehow got a look at the criticism he was taking from people like Joe Biden, Beto O’Rorke and Cory Booker. The staff quickly administered his medication by turning to Fox News and that is what pushed him into a crisis. “He heard Shep Smith ripping him a new one and that’s when he turned a reddish-orange and his Twitter thumbs started to twitch!”, a shaken aide explained.

As soon as Air Force One landed Trump was rushed to Walter Reed where an EDS (Empathy Detection Scan) was performed showing absolutely none in his body. Our medical expert, Dr. Harold Bornstein, told the Clown Car Update that this is an extremely rare condition called “Cheney Syndrome” named after the first patient to exhibit the disease. The treatment we are told is an infusion of empathy from a family member, but it was discovered that the entire Trump family is without empathy. Doctors hoped to get an donor from a member of the Republican Party but none could be found after an exhaustive search.

There is some good news, however, according to our medical expert. Dr. Bornstein told us, “I was his doctor for many years and I can assure everyone that Donald Trump will be OK because he has lived without empathy his entire life!”