Archive for January, 2020

No doubt you have been mesmerized this week by the events unfolding on your television screens. But if you just tore yourself away from watching those frozen Iguanas falling from trees in Florida, you may have caught a glimpse of the new made-for-TV comedy special called “The Senate Impeachment Trial of Donald J. Trump.” If you caught even one episode you would have wondered how fifty-three republicans could make you laugh so hard and at the same time break down and cry. You may have said to yourself, “even I could conduct a better hearing than that!” Well, here’s your chance of a lifetime! From the genius mind of Gene Huber of the Donald Trump Cardboard cutout fame comes “The Senate Trial: The Home Game.”

Yes, Gene Huber wants you to have the same enjoyment from the trial that he has had for years humping the lifesize cutout of Trump he keeps in his bedroom. With “The Senate Trial: The Home Game” you can set up your own pieces in a simulated Senate chamber and have the fun began. And the best part is that the game comes with no rules! That’s right, you can make them up as you go along just like Mitch McConnell. The best part is that you never lose because you make all the rules as the game goes on! The game pieces include:

  • A Gal├ípagos Tortoise with the head of Mitch McConnell.
  • A lifesize Susan Collins with a furrowed brow and very concerned look on her face. (Don’t be fooled, she will vote with the republicans every time!)
  • A lifesize Alan Dershowitz decked out in his tidy-whities and a companion old, old, Russian masseuse.
  • A Russian hooker, for players who prefer live streaming.
  • A lifesize Lindsey Graham with a nasty snarl on his face like he just saw a litter of Dalmatian puppies he wants to make into upholstery for his fainting couch. Clutching-pearls sold separately.
  • A talking version of Ken Starr with different impeachment theories coming out of both sides of his mouth. Confused? So is Bill Clinton!
  • And of course, no Gene Huber game would be complete without a lifesize cutout of the Orange Orgasm himself, Donald Trump. This piece comes with a “Fox and Friends” television and its own Twitter account. Anatomically correct in every way, you can have him interact with the Stormy Daniels cutout.

So don’t wait until the trial is over! Play along with “The Senate Trial: The Home Game” and have fun with your friends. Or, if you are like Gene Huber, you may not have any friends so have fun with your cutout friends. And remember, as Gene says, “Hump the president because he is humping America for all of us every day!”

We have all had the experience. You eat an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, maybe with a Big Mac chaser, and then you have to take a dump. And a big dump it is! You look at the bowl and think, how many flushes will it take to get rid of this mess? Hasn’t happened to you yet? Well just ask big fat Donnie Trump and he will tell you. It will take ten or fifteen flushed to get rid of that pile. And why, you ask? Simple. Those extreme left-wing democrats have denied us enough water to run our plumbing with their radical low flush toilets. Well, fret no more because Donnie has a solution for you. Introducing Fat Donnie’s Unbelievable Massive Plumbing fixtures. That’s right, D.U.M.P. fixtures will flush all your problems away.

Start with our D.U.M.P toilets, which come with a five-hundred-gallon water tank to give you plenty of water to flush anything that comes out of Donnie’s big fat ass! Now you can stuff your face with all the Whoppers and fries and not worry that the whopper you just left in the bowl will take hours to flush away. And our D.U.M.P. toilets come in a bidet model. Just press the included remote control and a little Lindsey Graham pops out and cleans your butthole with a warm gentile spray just like he does for Donnie! And when he’s done, he leaves you with a gentile whiff of hot air, just like the real Lindsey.

Next, you will want to install our D.U.M.P. Golden Shower showerhead. Forget those low flow showerheads and foamed up with a powerful stream. You’ll feel just like a thousand Russian hookers just jumped in the shower with you! And then you can wrap yourself in our patented Bill Barr robe that covers you up just like you were the Mueller investigation.

And if it’s a relaxing bath you cherish, sink your massive chunk of blubber into our Deluxe Whirlpool Bath with powerful jets all around to massage your body just like the Republican members of congress. And the tub comes in a variety of colors including Tortoise Shell to remind you of Mitch McConnell. And our tubs are lab tested on sperm whales so even Donnie’s massive folds are jet-cleaned.

So stop settling for low-flush toilets and drippy shower heads. As Donnie says, “with me as president, the White House is now one big D.U.M.P.!

Well, it’s the start of a new year and the start of a brand new decade. The “Terrible Tens” are over and the “Roaring Twenties” are about to begin. And rather than look back at the horrible choices we made in the “Tens” and the culminating in the Great Orange Plague, we at the Clown Car Update would rather look ahead to better times and better choices. With that in mind, here are our Prognostications for 2020:

January: The Trump impeachment trial in the Senate will take a dramatic turn when Mitch McConnell, upon learning that Chief Justice Roberts would allow a subpoena to John Bolton, will flip over on his shell and be unable to right himself. A frantic Lindsey Graham will try desperately to turn him over as his legs and arms flay frantically in the air. It will take a turtle expert from the National Zoo to get him upright and crawling up Trumps’ ass again.

February: President Trump and Kim Jong-Un will appear together in a Hallmark Movie Special. In the movie, Trump is depressed because he misses his Russian hookers on Valintine’s Day but finds the holiday’s true meaning when he wanders across the Korean Demilitarized Zone and meets the love of his life Kim Jong-Un who promises to piss on every denuclearization plan. The movie ends as the couple holds hands and exchange vows in a ceremony presided over by Dennis Rodman.

March: On Saint Patricks Day Trump will claim that he is the chosen successor of St. Patrick himself and has been charged to drive the snakes out of the Washington Swamp. During his speech, however, he himself will be bitten by a snake on his ass and but fortunately, Lindsey Graham will be right in position to suck out the poison.

April: The annual White House Easter Egg Roll will take a dramatic turn when Trump is suddenly pelted with hundreds of eggs. A Secret Service investigation will reveal that the suspects were found to be members of the FBI and the White House staff.

May: At the Memorial Day services at Arlington, a confused Trump will demand to know the identity of the Unknown Soldier. He will claim that he is a Deep State operative who is a Clinton supporter pretending to be unknown to get a free wreath every year. Trump will declare he prefers soldiers who are known.

June: An incident on Flag Day will result in Trump being rushed to the hospital after he tries to hug a flag and it spontaneously bursts into flames. Trump will be treated for third-degree burns of his wig.

July: In a speech celebrating the Declaration of Independence Trump will give credit to George Jefferson, Gomez Adams, and Benjamin Moore as the founders who wrote the document. Rather than correct the president, the White House will order the Texas school board to edit all history books to agree with Trump’s speech.

August: Several special days are celebrated in August: On the First is National Girlfriends Day. Trump will spend the day in the Russian Hilton. The Second is National Friendship Day. Trump will spend the day alone. The Eighth is National Clowns Day. Trump will spend the day with Rudy Giuliani and Lindsey Graham. August Ninth is National Book Lover’s Day. Trump will spend the day coloring. August Eleventh is both Presidential Joke Day and Sons and Daughters Day. Combining the two, Trump’s jokes will be Eric and Ivanka. And finally, on August Thirtieth, it is National Frankenstein Day, a day for the GOP to remember the monster it created in 2016.

September: On Labor Day, the official kickoff of the election season, Joe Biden will walk in the New York City Labor Day Parade and Donald Trump will ride a golf cart to his bathroom.

October: During the first presidential debate, a large dark wet spot will appear on Donald Trump’s pants when he realizes that the moderator is Stormy Daniels.

November: After suffering a crushing defeat, Trump will barricade himself in the Oval Office and demand that the election be voided because every democrat voted illegally. Secret Service and FBI are called to the scene and the standoff ends when Trumps is apprehended by an FBI agent posing as the Poppa John’s delivery boy. The Baby Trump balloon makes its premiere at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

December: As 2020 closes the nation celebrates a joyous Christmas and a Happy New Year looking forward to the end of the Trump nightmare. The Hallmark Channel premiers a new version of “A Christmas Carol” where the ghost of Jim Acosta shows Melania her future as a maid for Hillary Clinton.

So Happy New Year to our Tim Corrimal family and make your New Year resolution to VOTE BLUE NO MATTER WHO!