Archive for August, 2015

This week on Episode 350 of The Tim Corrimal Show we discover an open letter to Megyn Kelly from Donald Trump:

Dear Megyn,

You ignorant slut! I always wanted to use that line on someone, and a slut like you is perfect.  I see you are back from vacation. Too bad. I hoped you would go in the ocean and get eaten by a shark. With all the blood coming out of your eyes and your whatever,  you would really attract huge sharks. But that would be very bad for the sharks,  and they would probably spit you out anyway.   I’m sorry you came back because you are a very bad journalist. I know this because I talk to really, really good ones and you are not one of them.  And as far as that debate goes, who cares what you or Rosie O’Donnell think of me.  After all, you are a dumb bimbo and she is a dumb lesbian. So why would anyone take you seriously when you are not nice to a great man who has many, many friends that you do not have.  I really was wishing, and honestly many, many were also, that you would have fallen off a boat and get caught in the propeller.

Now, as far as calling women ‘fat pigs, dogs, and disgusting animals’ I never did, except for Rosie O’Donnell and now you.  But I don’t want to be politically incorrect to pigs, dogs, or disgusting animals, so I take it back. You are a disgusting cow, and the only people who care about cows are those people in “Slumdog Millionaire” who are stupid people who worship cows. They are so stupid that they call themselves Indians,  but I never saw one of them build a casino. And by the way, I build the best casinos in the world and make great deals. Deals that are huge. Huge, good deals. The only deal you ever made was to get whoever does your hair to pour bleach all over it. Honestly, did you think you ever fooled anyone with that hair color.  If I liked you, I would let you touch my hair which is really, really nice and blond and soft. Yours looks bad, and I have spoken to many hairdressers at the Mexican Border who tell me how bad it is.  By the way, the Mexican Border is the name of a tremendous hair salon I own in Trump Towers.

And as far as your bosses at Fox News, they are really, really not good people. When Fox News sends its people to a debate, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists, and some, I assume, are good people, but none of them were on the panel that night. Instead I get stupid blond bimbos throwing my words back at me as if they were bad or politically incorrect.  I can say anything I want because I’m really very rich!  I hate you Megyn and I would have loved if you went to one of my resorts and was electrocuted in the shower using a hair dryer.  I may have to call my good friend Roger Ailes and have him send you away again, maybe to China to punish them for ripping us off all the time.  I beat China all the time, and they love me. They just did a new poll and I’m winning the Chinese. You, on the other hand, are a loser in China.

That’s all I have for now. I have to go and throw Jorge Ramos out of our great country for illegally asking me a question.

I hope you drop dead!

The Donald

This week on Episode 339 of the Tim Corrimal Show, Ben Carson gets to drive the Clown Car. During the GOP debate, Ben Carson floated the idea that a flat tax not only would be fair, but it was God’s plan.

I think God is a pretty fair guy, and he said, you know, if you give me a tithe, it doesn’t matter how much you make. If you’ve had a bumper crop, you don’t owe me triple tithes. And if you’ve had no crops at all, you don’t owe me no tithes. So there must be something inherently fair about that.

So based on Ben Carson’s “God Tax”, everyone, the rich and the poor, would all pay the same flat 10%.  Sounds fair on paper, but in reality it is regressive and would amount to a massive tax cut for the wealthy and a devastating tax increase for the poor.  Since Ben thinks “God’s a pretty fair guy”,  I thought we should look at some of the other laws Ben the Fair loves from the famous GOP handbook, the Bible.  So I went over to BibleBabble.com and thanks to the folks over there I found a list of some  “Laws of the Lord”  that Ben Carson may also like:

  •  Leviticus 20:13 – If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.  I guess that means no wedding cake either?

 

  • Leviticus 19:19 – Don’t have a variety of crops on the same field.  This law is the basis for what was known in biblical times “Crop Rotation Denial”,  the forerunner of climate change denial and is a favorite bible passage of Sen. James Inhofe.

 

  • Leviticus 19:19 – Don’t wear clothes made of more than one fabric.  Cotton blends are prohibited.  This was punished by making the sinner to wear a polyester leisure suit for a month.

 

  • Leviticus 19:27 – Don’t cut your hair nor shave.  Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty uses this passage as a hygiene guideline.

 

  • Leviticus 20:14 – If a man sleeps with his wife and her mother they are all to be burnt to death.   Real bad news for Wood Allen!

 

  • Leviticus 20:15-16 – If a man or woman has sex with an animal, both human and animal must be killed.  Sometimes referred to as the “Man-on Dog” rule. For more information Google “Santorum” .

 

  • Leviticus 20:27 – Psychics, wizards, and so on are to be stoned to death.   As if Harry Potter didn’t have enough problems with Voldemort.

 

  • Leviticus 20:18 – If a man has sex with a woman on her period, they are both to be “cut off from their people”.   According to Donald Trump, this also applies to debate moderators on their period.

 

  • Deuteronomy 13:12-15If you find out a city worships a different god, destroy the city and kill all of it’s inhabitants… even the animals.  This is also known as “The Bush Doctrine”.

 

So in a typical day in Bible World, a man would get up in the morning, preen his beard, comb his long flowing hair, and put on his all cotton overalls.  Then, he would spend the day planting corn over and over again on the same plot of land until it turned to dust.  Exhausted from a day of destroying rich farm land, he would return home to rest. However, he would have to be careful not to rest next to his wife’s mother, another man, or Megyn Kelly.  If he did, he would certainly be killed. How do I know? The bible tells me so.

 

 

 

This week on Episode 384 of the Tim Corrimal Show, Michelle Bachmann is back and she is really happy. Why?  Because Barack Obama, by agreeing to a deal with Iran, has set in motion the end of the world. According an article posted by Brian Tashman on Right Wing Watch, our favorite Minnesota Mutant appeared on Jan Markell’s radio show over the weekend to proclaim the coming of the end times, or as we sinners call it, time to party!

Ms. Bachmann’s rabid enthusiasm for the end of civilization brought to mind my favorite anti-war song of the 60’s,  “I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-To-Die Rag” by Country Joe and the Fish. It’s famous chorus went like this:

And its 1,2,3 what are we fightin’ for?
don’t ask me i don’t give a dam, the next stop is Vietnam,
and its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates. Well there ain’t no time to wonder why…WHOPEE we’re all gunna die.

According to the article,  Crazy Eyes declared that the Iran deal that President Obama negotiated

was “the most important national security event of my lifetime” because it fulfilled the prophecy of Zechariah 12:3 that all the nations of the world will unite against Israel, “with the United States leading that charge.”

It is likely that Zechariah never mentioned the United States and that Ms. Bachmann added that passage after God wrote it.  Zechariah is believed to have died of leprosy waiting for the GOP health care replacement plan.

Ms. Markell agreed with Crazy Eyes:

There are consequences to doing things like this against God’s covenant land, there are horrible consequences.  Then you throw in some other things such as the Supreme Court decision back in late June and a lot of other things. Judgment isn’t just coming; judgment is already here.

By the “decision back in late June” she is referring to the Supreme Court allowing same-sex couples to marry.  As we all know, God just hates people in loving relationships. After all, the persecution of people you hate is the Christian way.

Mr. Tashman continues in his article:

Predicting the arrival of nuclear war, Bachmann said that Iran will position its future cache of nuclear weapons in Cuba in order to aim them at the U.S.

Right. Cuba. Of course. It would be so easy for Iran to sneak nuclear missiles into Cuba disguised as spare parts for a 1956 Buick.  And who would suspect a nuclear devise disguised as a large box of Cuban cigars? Oh, those sneaky Iranians!

Crazy Eyes concluded that we should not be sad, but be joyous that we are all going to face a horrible death. After all, a horrible death is everything a good Christian lives for, isn’t it?  Why do you suppose so many of them oppose Obamacare? And you should certainly appreciate that you live in a time when all civilization will be reduced to cinders. Sing. Celebrate. Be happy!  According to Bachmann:

The prophets longed to live in this day that you and I are privileged to live in

Ah, what a privilege, to be vaporized in a nuclear holocaust.  How lucky can we be. Poor Zechariah had to settle for some common disease while we get to experience a sophisticated death by nuclear fission. Rejoice, believers, because as Country Joe said so many years ago, “WHOOPIE, we’re all gunna die!”

 

 

The GOP presidential debate is now history, and has been analyzed by every pundit, blogger, or self-appointed expert on politics. What I have not seen is an analysis of what it was like for the first time viewers of Fox News . So, here on Episode 347 of the Tim Corrimal Show we sort of did a Frank Luntz type focus group of 10 volunteers who watched the debate and discussed their impressions as the debate went along. The following is a chronological description of our experience.

8:55 PM – The group begins to panic because they suddenly realize that the debate is about to begin and no one knows where to find Fox News.

8:57 PM – They finally find Fox News and try to tune in.  Unexpectedly,  a warning pops up on the TV that says “You are about to watch Fox News. This action cannot be undone. Do you want to continue?”  The panel hesitated a moment, but  voted “Yes”.

8:58 PM – Another warning pops up on the TV that says “This program is rated PIP for “Possibly Inducing Paranoia”.  Not recommended for anyone with a history of analytical thinking or rational behavior. Do you want to continue?”  The panel voted “Yes”.

8:59 PM – As the Fox News Channel comes on, the group is overwhelmed with alerts, banners, and colorful moving headlines. They were warned about this ahead of time and were provided sun glasses to reduce the glare. And yes, like everything else on Fox News, the sun glasses were polarizing.

9:00 PM – The moderators are introduced.  In the center of the questioners is a woman with blond hair and uncommonly long eyelashes which seem to defy gravity. The group’s guessed that the woman was obviously the leader by the relative appearance of her companions. The one on her left named Bret seems to have the low sloping brow of a Neanderthal and the disposition of a German interrogator.  The man to her right named Chris seems very pale and near death.

9:30 PM – After the first half hour of the debate it is the consensus of the group is that they are being punked.  I assured the group that, as scary as it may be, these candidates are real, except Rand Paul, who is a Muppet.

10:00 PM – One member of the group has a seizure.  Despite the warnings, he peeked over his sunglasses and fixated on the “Fox News Alert” chyron on the lower left of the TV screen. The EMT’s said he will be OK, they’ve seen this before when people watch too much of Fox News graphics.  The condition has a name:  Fox Neurological Unraveling of the Temporal Synapse or Fox NUTS for short.  It’s sort of like a seizure characterized by the patient screaming “Benghazi” and “liberty” repeatedly. Except for long term viewers, the effects are temporary.

10:45 PM – Ben Carson has been talking for about 30 seconds now and the entire panel has slipped into a deep coma.

11:00 PM – It’s over. Most of the panel members have revived with only a few still a bit groggy from the Ben Carson segment. They have recorded their impressions and they are as follows:

  • 9 of the 10 experienced nausea, headache, and rapid heart beat for the entire 2 hours. One panel member had to be hospitalized.
  • 1 panel member actually believed Fox News Channel really exits, the other 8 believe I was playing a DVR of a fictitious channel
  • 5 said they would never be able to watch TV again, 4 said there life no longer had meaning
  • 6 will require professional de-programming

Frank Luntz, call me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

This week on Episode 346 of the Tim Corrimal Show we preview the comedy event of the season. No, not the season premier of SNL or  the debut of Jon Stewart’s replacement, I’m speaking of the first GOP presidential debate on Fox (This Passes For) News this Thursday.  Many have complained that the Fox criteria for choosing which of the 17 candidates get to participate is unfair, and I agree. So, I have devised an alternative. Call it the “GOP Self Awareness Test”.  It would be used to confirm that your positions on the issues are just as screwed up as your party’s. There are 10 questions and a tiebreaker, just in case you find, as I suspect, that you are all on the lunatic fringe:

The best way to insure that all children are able to succeed in school is to:

  1. Support programs like Head Start
  2. Provide good nutrition
  3. Provide a strong public education system
  4. Force disadvantaged children to work as janitors after school

 

The Affordable Care Act has had the effect of:

  1. Insuring 21 million people
  2. Slowing the growth of health care costs
  3. Lowering the deficit
  4. Providing promiscuous co-eds birth control and causing the Ebola outbreak

 

Global warming is primarily caused by:

  1. Mankind burning fossil fuels
  2. Excess carbon emissions by large corporations
  3. The proliferation of internal combustion engines
  4. God’s anger over the Supreme Court’s marriage equality ruling

 

Dinosaurs roamed the earth during:

  1. The Jurassic Period
  2. The Triassic Period
  3. The Cretaceous Period
  4. The Revolutionary War Period

 

Barack Obama is:

  1. The 44th President of the United States
  2. The first African-American president
  3. The first president to pass universal health care
  4. The Anti-Christ

 

The economic collapse of 2008 was caused by:

  1. A housing bubble
  2. Predatory lending practices
  3. Wall street trading toxic mortgages
  4. Greedy poor people

 

The Supreme Court’s recent ruling on marriage equality:

  1. Assures same-sex couples are treated equally under the 14th Amendment
  2. Assures every marriage is recognized in all 50 states
  3. Assures that same sex couples can enjoy the same rights and privileges of every couple
  4. Assures God will smite down the United States and apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah

 

Ronald Reagan:

  1. Raised taxes 11 times
  2. Never uttered the word AIDS once during his presidency
  3. Illegally sold arms to Iran in exchange for hostages
  4. Is really still alive and is secretly being held by the New Black Panthers in a room at Planned Parenthood

 

Under the terms of the Iran Nuclear Deal:

  1. Iran will give up about 14,000 of its 20,000 centrifuges
  2. Iran will give up 97 percent of its enriched uranium
  3. Iran will be forbidden from enriching uranium beyond energy-grade fuel
  4. I have no idea what the terms are but am opposed to every word of it

 

President Obama was born in:

  1. 1961
  2. The United States
  3. The State of Hawaii
  4. Kenya or Mars

Compassionate conservatism is a better answer than liberalism to the following problems:

  1. Budget deficits
  2. Medicare cost control
  3. Caring for the poor
  4. Keeping us safe from terrorists

 

After taking the test, submit your answers to Fox News. They will verify your answers and tell you when and where to report for the debate. Winners will be chosen from those who answered all the questions correctly, plus the tiebreaker, if necessary. If you looked up the answers on Breitbart.com, The Drudge Report, or any other right wing honking machine, you are a cheat and automatically qualify to participate in any GOP event. If you noticed that all the answers are #4,  you are automatically disqualified for demonstrating analytical thinking. Good luck!