Archive for December, 2017

It’s almost Christmas and I’m sure many of you are having a hard time finding that last minute stocking stuffer for the Trump Cultist in your life. Joe told you about the Black Friday and Cyber Monday Clown Car Gift shop a few weeks ago, but there have been some last-minute items that are must-haves for that special Right Wing Lunatic you hold near and dear to your heart.


As we learned in last week’s Clown Car Update, Donald Dentures… Er… Trump had a little snafu with his lower plate while reading a speech Benjamin Netanyahu gave him as an early Hanukkah gift. An anonymous source has revealed that the dental disaster occurred after Trump unknowingly mixed up his Polygrip and Preparation H. The switcheroo caused Trump’s gums to shrink and sealed up his rectum causing him to slur his speech and be more full of shit than usual. Acting quickly, the pharmaceutical industry, with FDA approval has rushed a new untested product into the market! What is this new product you ask? It’s called Preparation D! Hemorrhoids acting up? Dentures loose? No problem! Now there is One Tube for Both Holes! The cutting-edge science of Preparation D provides anti-inflammatory relief on your tush AND a secure grip on your chompers! Preparation D… Good on the Gums, Good on the Bum!


Speaking of pains in the ass… Roy Moore! Roy Moore has realized that he won’t be able to collect a government paycheck that would ultimately lead to a cushy lobbying job. Inspired by his recent humiliating defeat in the Alabama special election he’s decided to become an entrepreneur! Only the advice of his extremely pleasant wife Kayla and their…ahem.. Lawyer, Roy is introducing his new line of Butt Hurt Pads! Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads will help ease the pain of stunning defeats and rough rides on your horse! Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads come in 4 handsome styles: Flannel, Denim, Burlap and Black Leather with matching vest! They’re Classy & Sassy!


Another pharmaceutical miracle has also been announced for over the counter consumption! Introducing Shame-X! Shame-X has been genetically engineered from Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ DNA! Have you ever had a hard time telling a big fat lie? Have you ever had a problem intimidating the free press with baseless attacks? Have you ever turned your back on multiple women that have accused your boss of sexual assault?  Simply take one Shame-X pill a day and you’ll have no problem whatsoever being a hypocrite, liar, turncoat, traitor or just a horrible human being in general. All guilt, regret and remorse will be permanently suppressed! And when someone inevitably asks you “Have you no shame?” you can reply with confidence, “No! I use Shame-X!”


And here’s one more suggestion for your last-minute Trump Cult shopping needs… The Omarosa Manigault Exit Interview Kit! Each kit includes several Non-Disclosure Agreements, a helmet and 10 Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads to cushion your landing when you are physically ejected from your job!


Happy Holidays and Happy Shopping!



This week, for the second time this year, Donald Trump’s speech became slurred and unintelligible. The incident startled reporters and stunned leaders around the world. Hours later, at the White House daily press briefing, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was forced to acknowledge that the president of the United States is suffering from a condition called Liar’s Cotton Mouth.

As a result, as a public service, The Tim Corrimal Show, The Clown Car Update, and the Organization For Dry Mouth Awareness along with The Ad Council  would like to present the following public service announcement:

One in three hundred and sixty million people in the United States are diagnosed with Liar’s Cotton Mouth each year. This devastating disease can go unnoticed until it is too late, sometimes until you are elected president. It is important that you recognize the signs of Liar’s Cotton Mouth so that the disease can be caught early. Some of the signs of Liar’s Cotton Mouth are:

  • Slurring the words “The United States”
  • Excessive sniffing
  • An orange-tinged to the skin
  • A need to be loved by Russian Oligarchs
  • Compulsive Tweeting
  • Golden Shower Syndrome
  • Tiny Hand Syndrome
  • Undeveloped genitalia

Unchecked, Liar’s Cotton Mouth can progress to a complete lack of self-control and a fusing of the victim’s tongue to the roof of the mouth. In its final stages, the victim may even become unable to recognize an indictment coming. Worse, Liar’s Cotton Mouth can be passed on to a victim’s children in the form of Russian Amnesia.  Don’t let Liar’s Cotton Mouth turn your loved one into another Donald Trump. If you recognize any of its signs, contact the Special Prosecutor’s office right away.  Special treatment is available in the form of plea agreement.  You may even qualify to be wired for covert law enforcement activities.

Marco Rubio, a Liar’s Cotton Mouth survivor, ask that you don’t just reach for a water bottle. Marco warns that recognizing the warning signs of Liar’s Cotton Mouth may prevent further damage, leading to starting a war in the Middle East or Tweeting out a confession of obstruction of justice. Help is available. It starts with recognizing that you are a total fraud. Call your Special Prosecutor’s office today. It may save you some jail time.











Matt Lauer, Garrison Keillor, Al Franken, Joe Barton,  and John Conyers were all this week accused of sexual misconduct in the workplace. It seemed like every day a new allegation comes along that some creep was caught with his pants down. So the Clown car decided to take a survey under the hashtag “donttakeoutyourpenis” to see what situations people believed it was inappropriate to take it out. One would think that would be self-evident, but we were surprised a bit at some of the situations that some people thought it might be appropriate to pop out your pipe cleaner:

  • When you are in the doctor’s office and the nurse asks if you have any swelling
  • When you are in a restaurant and the waiter asks can I take something out of your way  #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When you are finished with dinner and your companion asks what kind of tip you should leave #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When the FBI asks you if you have ever met with Russian agents #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When you are coming through customs at the airport and they ask if you have anything to declare #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When your girlfriend asks you what you got her for Christmas #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When the salesman at Home Depot asks you what length of wood trim you need #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When a cop pulls you over and asks you are carrying any weapons  #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When you are at a bus stop and someone asks you if you know how long it will be #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When the post office worker asks how much your package weighs #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When trying to catch the garter at a wedding  #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When you meet a friend on the street and they ask what’s up #donttakeoutyourpenis

These are just a sample of the responses we got from our survey. There was one more, and it came from an unnamed source in the White House. When you have tiny hands, #neverevertakeoutyourpenis!