In March of 2013, just as Karl Rove emerged from a medically-induced coma to relieve pressure on his brain brought on by excessive denial, the GOP released its autopsy of the party. The purpose of the exercise, ordered by chairman Reince Priebus, was to analyze what the party was doing wrong and how to correct its course for 2016. Curiously, the first part of the autopsy report is entitled “Messaging”. In summing up the party’s problem in this area, the coroner’s report said this:
Instead of driving around in circles on an ideological cul-de-sac, we need a Party whose brand of conservatism invites and inspires new people to visit us. We need to remain America’s conservative alternative to big-government, redistribution-to-extremes liberalism, while building a route into our Party that a non-traditional Republican will want to travel. Our standard should not be universal purity; it should be a more welcoming conservatism.
Well, those are pretty high sounding words from a party who just had their asses kicked by one President Barack Hussein Obama. But now that the 2016 election cycle is upon us, I thought it might be fun to assess how the GOP is executing the plan.
Inviting and Inspiring New People to Visit Us
Welcome to GOP World and its “Visit Us” ambassador, Donald Trump. Before you get comfortable, Mr. Trump wants you to know a few things about the new GOP: If you are Mexican, we didn’t mean you. “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people”. So you’re invited to visit us, but not if you’re from Mexico, even though some of you are good people. We just can’t take that chance. In fact, Mr. Trump wants to “build a great, great wall” and “have Mexico pay for that wall”. So never mind, the GOP never meant that “visit us” crap anyway. We really like to keep things as white as possible. Thanks for your interest, Latinos!
America’s Conservative Alternative to Big-Government
Yes, America, the New GOP wants to get government out of your lives. To that end, may we present our small government ambassador, Jeb! He really has a last name, but he doesn’t want to muddy up the waters with muddy relations. The last time we saw “small government” Jeb! he was signing “Terri’s Law” to remove the medical decision making from the spouse of a brain dead patient to the “small government”. When all that fell apart on appeal, Jeb! had his then president, George W. ! fly all the way from Texas to D.C. to sign into law the “Palm Sunday Compromise” which once again took jurisdiction away from the spouse and into the hands of Federal courts. In the end, the spouse of Terri Schiavo was granted a stay and was allowed to make a personal decision without the interference of Jeb!’s and George W. !’s “small government. OOPS! Forget that “alternative to big-government stuff” Oh, and thanks for your interest, women demanding reproductive rights. We really didn’t mean you either!
Building a route into our Party that a non-traditional Republican will want to travel
Hello, “non-traditional” republicans. Welcome to our two ambassadors for non-traditional people Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum. What’s that you say, you are gay? You are in a relationship and want to marry the person you love? Ambassador Santorum has these words for you: “In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing.” You are “one thing”, you know, like “man on dog”. So you really don’t want to travel in GOP world. And Ambassador Huckabee has this for you: Asking him to accept your marriage is “like asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.” Sounds delicious actually, but somehow Mr. Huckabee tends to take away my appetite. Well, so much for you “non-traditionals”. I guess you may as well just travel back to the Democrats, because the GOP really didn’t mean that either!
A More Welcoming Conservatism
Hi, please let me introduce our Ambassador of Welcoming Conservatism, Gov. Chris Christie. What’s that you say, you are a former Navy Seal who wants an education? Well, Ambassador Christie has this to say: “Your an idiot”. So don’t come to his town hall meeting and ask questions. He closes bridges! He’s not impressed with a Navy Seal. Oh, he hates teachers, too, because in GOP World, if you are a teacher, you have alternatives. Let’s let Ambassador Christie tell you in his own words: “Well, you know then that you don’t have to do it.” OOPS! Veterans and teachers, NOT welcome!
After reviewing the autopsy report, and the resulting activity going forward, one can only come to one conclusion. The coroner discovered the cause of death, and it is this: The GOP cannot change. Its DNA is will never be altered, and its offspring will always carry the gene of intolerance and ignorance no matter what a coroner tells them.