Archive for July, 2015

In March of 2013,  just as Karl Rove emerged from a medically-induced coma to relieve pressure on his brain brought on by excessive denial, the GOP released its autopsy of the party.  The purpose of the exercise, ordered by chairman Reince Priebus,  was to analyze what the party was doing wrong and how to correct its course for 2016.  Curiously, the first part of the autopsy report is entitled “Messaging”.  In summing up the party’s problem in this area,  the coroner’s report said this:

Instead of driving around in circles on an ideological cul-de-sac, we need a Party whose brand of conservatism invites and inspires new people to visit us. We need to remain America’s conservative alternative to big-government, redistribution-to-extremes liberalism, while building a route into our Party that a non-traditional Republican will want to travel. Our standard should not be universal purity; it should be a more welcoming conservatism.

Well, those are pretty high sounding words from a party who just had their asses kicked by one President Barack Hussein Obama.  But now that the 2016 election cycle is upon us, I thought it might be fun to assess how the GOP is executing the plan.

Inviting and Inspiring New People to Visit Us

Welcome to GOP World and its “Visit Us” ambassador, Donald Trump.  Before you get comfortable, Mr. Trump wants you to know a few things about the new GOP: If you are Mexican, we didn’t mean you. “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people”.   So you’re invited to visit us, but not if you’re from Mexico, even though some of you are good people. We just can’t take that chance. In fact, Mr. Trump wants to “build a great, great wall” and “have Mexico pay for that wall”. So never mind,  the GOP never meant that “visit us” crap anyway. We really like to keep things as white as possible. Thanks for your interest, Latinos!

America’s Conservative Alternative to Big-Government

Yes, America, the New GOP wants to get government out of your lives. To that end, may we present our small government ambassador, Jeb!  He really has a last name, but he doesn’t want to muddy up the waters with muddy relations. The last time we saw “small government” Jeb! he was signing “Terri’s Law” to remove the medical decision making from the spouse of a brain dead patient to the “small government”.  When all that fell apart on appeal, Jeb! had his then president, George W. ! fly all the way from Texas to D.C. to sign into law the “Palm Sunday Compromise” which once again took jurisdiction away from the spouse and into the hands of Federal courts.  In the end, the spouse of Terri Schiavo was granted a stay and was allowed to make a personal decision without the interference of Jeb!’s and George W. !’s “small government. OOPS! Forget that “alternative to big-government stuff” Oh, and thanks for your interest, women demanding reproductive rights. We really didn’t mean you either!

Building a route into our Party that a non-traditional Republican will want to travel

Hello, “non-traditional” republicans. Welcome to our two ambassadors for non-traditional people Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum. What’s that you say, you are gay? You are in a relationship and want to marry the person you love?  Ambassador Santorum has these words for you:  “In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing.”  You are “one thing”, you know, like “man on dog”.  So you really don’t want to travel in GOP world.  And Ambassador Huckabee has this for you:  Asking him to accept your marriage is  “like asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.”  Sounds delicious actually, but somehow Mr. Huckabee tends to take away my appetite. Well, so much for you “non-traditionals”.  I guess you may as well just travel back to the Democrats, because the GOP really didn’t mean that either!

A More Welcoming Conservatism

Hi, please let me introduce our Ambassador of Welcoming Conservatism, Gov. Chris Christie. What’s that you say, you are a former Navy Seal who wants an education? Well, Ambassador Christie has this to say: “Your an idiot”.  So don’t come to his town hall meeting and ask questions. He closes bridges! He’s not impressed with a Navy Seal. Oh, he hates teachers, too, because in GOP World, if you are a teacher, you have alternatives. Let’s let Ambassador Christie tell you in his own words: “Well, you know then that you don’t have to do it.”  OOPS! Veterans and teachers, NOT welcome!

After  reviewing the autopsy report, and the resulting activity going forward, one can only come to one conclusion.  The coroner discovered the cause of death, and it is this: The GOP cannot change. Its DNA is will never be altered, and its offspring will always carry the gene of intolerance and ignorance no matter what a coroner tells them.

Earlier this year, Scott Walker, a purebred lapdog from the Koch Kennel, proposed  a 13% decrease of state funding for the university system. In addition, he insisted on a change in the University of Wisconsin’s mission statement from “Basic to every purpose of the system is the search for truth”, to “Meet the labor force needs of the state”. After a major backlash, he did what Scott Walker always does, he lied and threw someone else under the bus. He claimed it was a drafting error by some staffer. Now Scott Walker wants to be president, and this week he made his case to the American people. But as everyone who has applied to a college has learned, sometimes there are some harsh rejections on the way. And this week, on Episode 344 of the Tim Corrimal Show we have made our decision on Scotty’s application to be president!

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Dear Mr. Walker,

Thank you for your interest in being our president.  We regret to inform you that after careful consideration of your application by our office of admissions, you have not been accepted. Actually, most of our board members spit out their coffee when they saw your name under consideration.  Really, Scott, are you kidding?  You want to be president? Of what country? Rwanda? LOL!

But seriously, it is our policy, as the voters of America, to carefully review your application with you to illustrate why this decision was reached. We hope this will help you in pursuit of another institution that has lower or, more likely, no standards.

First, being a balding homophobe is not considered a disability under ADA or a protected class under the Civil Rights Act.  As such, we have denied your admission based on this claim.  In the future, you may have more success claiming to be a persecuted Christian or a victim of discrimination against whites.

Second, your essay on “How I Would Fight Terrorism” had a few flaws. It may have worked in Wisconsin, but taking away ISIS bargaining rights and firing their teachers will most likely not affect them in any way.  You see,  a union member holding a sign is not quite the same as a psycho in a black ski mask holding a machete.

Third, giving vaginal ultrasounds is not considered an extracurricular activity.  We don’t know where you got that idea, but maybe you should have a conversation with your wife.

Fourth, using Charles and David Koch as references did not help. And who the hell is Joe Scarborough?

Lastly, you probably should have chosen someone other than G. Gorden Liddy as the person who most influenced your life .

In closing, we hope you understand that our rejection bears no malice toward you or should it discourage you from seeking acceptance in another institution.  In fact, you seem perfectly suited for a career in Germany.  You should understand that this year we have had an exceptionally high number of applicants for president from your demographic of the right wing lunatic fringe. It has been over represented this election cycle.  Please be assured that in making our selections, we strive to uphold the highest standards for the office of president. And no,  George W. Bush was not our selection, we were forced to accept him as a result of a lawsuit.

Sincerely,

America

Today NASA’s New Horizons probe completed a 9 year mission to the solar system’s most outer planet, Pluto. While the mission has produced striking new data on the dwarf planet, scientists at the Applied Physics Lab at Johns Hopkins University near Baltimore are perplexed.

“We were expecting to see at least a few of the 15 GOP candidates for president somewhere out there, but so far there is no evidence of any of them”, chief investigator Alex Hobbs said in a news conference. “We know for a fact they are out there because of the noises we receive almost daily from the fringes”, Hobbs explained, “but we never thought they were this far out”.

The latest sound received from deep space is called Scott Walker, according to Hobbs. “As New Horizons passed Pluto, we were sure that at least one of these would be spotted closer to Earth, but apparently they are all much farther out there than anyone imagined. With the discovery of Scott Walker today, we now have concluded that they are not only farther out than expected, but dangerous”.

Scientists are now planning a dark energy probe to see if it will reveal the positions of these potentially dangerous entities. “We know by our constant monitoring of Fox News Channel that they are definitely out there”, adds Hoobs, “Its just a matter of time before they reveal themselves. But rest assured, we are not a Sunday news show, so we will eventually get answers!”. He told reporters that the closest they have gotten to revealing the true nature and positions of these GOP candidates was the Trump.

 

This week on Episode 343 of the Tim Corrimal Show, Jeb Bush, often referred to as the “smart Bush”, has revealed his outline for America’s economic future.

We have to be a lot more productive, workforce participation has to rise from its all-time modern lows. It means that people need to work longer hours.

That’s right, America, you are lazy and need to put down the Nachos and get to work. Bush’s message: The Obamaride is over.

In an interview with the editorial board of New Hampshire’s “Wingnut Weekly”, Bush outlined his economic plan. It calls for 4% growth in the economy “as far as the eye can see”, and his beady little eyes see it this way.  To accomplish the goal of making Americans more productive,  he unveiled his economic plan called “Free American Workers”.  Under this plan, every American starting at the age of six will be required to work a minimum of 60 hours per week. His plan has two parts. First, on his first day in office, he will issue an executive order suspending all labor laws and the 13th Amendment. Second, he will ask congress to pass fast track legislation called the “Free American Workers Act” which will establish a system of involuntary servitude. Under this act, every American starting at the age of six would be required by law to register for service to a corporation. The selection board will be made up of former executives of Lehman Brothers.  Deferments would be given to children of wealthy and powerful families.

When asked how this frees American workers, Bush offered a correction:

You have a fundamental misunderstanding of my proposal.  It is not intended to free American workers, it is intended to force middle class and poor Americans to work free. Involuntary servitude  has been given a bad rap and  if America is to grow and prosper through the 21st Century, we have to start looking at 18th Century solutions

Bush sees the current state of the nation as lazy and unwilling to serve benevolent corporate job creators. He points to the animus aimed at the beleaguered Koch brothers as evidence that Americans are losing respect for their wealthy superiors.

“After we suspend the 13th Amendment, people will once again have the security of knowing exactly what they will be doing from the day they turn six to the day they die”.  Bush sees this revival of indentured servitude as a rekindling of the spirit of our founding fathers.  According to Bush, “They knew, for example, that slaves were happy working long hours for people who had no interest in their health or welfare.”  Bush pointed to the wonderful spirituals that the slaves sang in the fields, many of which are still popular today. “That’s one of the side benefits of forcing people to work long hours for nothing”, he said, “companies not only control the work force, but we get to listen to great songs as a bonus”.

And speaking of health and welfare, Bush sees his economic proposal as the solution to our budget problems and entitlement programs. “Think of it, if we reestablish involuntary servitude, we are at the same time ending the need for social programs”, Bush added. Under his plan, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, and food assistance would be unnecessary.  For example, instead of Obamacare, the corporate owners would supply first aid kits to all bosses of work gangs.  In Bush’s view, this is the essence of freedom,  since decisions on health care distribution would be made on a local level.

And since workers would no longer retire, Social Security would be unnecessary. “Think of all the money to be saved by abolishing Social Security and disability payments”, Bush said. When asked how the elderly, children, and disabled would be taken care of,  Bush quickly pointed out that under his plan, they are automatically taken care of.

Everyone has a use. Look, you don’t have to be an young athlete to work on an assembly line or pick tomatoes.  All you need is the willingness to grab your walker and shuffle out to the fields or factory every day

But where do children come in? Bush says involuntary servitude is again the answer.

Once we have all the kids rounded up and working in janitorial apprenticeships,  as my new Secretary of Forced Labor, Newt Gingrich envisions, we will be able to  abolish the Department of Education and close our schools. Since private schools will suffice for the children of the corporate boards, public schools will be nothing but a liberal fantasy

In closing, Bush lamented how the workers in America have been let down by government policies that encourage them to think about themselves as entitled to shelter, food, and weekends off.  In his view, Americans long for the days when they could serve wealthy individuals with no compensation.

Just look at the popularity of “Downton Abby”,  Jeb said, “people love the idea of working in a basement and answering a bell whenever it rings. It is the American dream!

For further reading, the details of Bush’s economic plan can be found in the book “Oliver Twist”. Or in this song:

From time to time entire networks have made it into the Clown Car, most commonly Fox News. But another frequent flyer, or should I say driver, of the Clown Car has been CNN! Well, they made it again here on Episode 342 of the Tim Corrimal Show.
This past week, as we all  celebrated the Supreme Court’s historic ruling on same-sex marriage, we also had the celebration of gay pride with parades across the globe. London, England was no exception, and CNN’s Lucy Pawle was there to describe the festivities when suddenly, she spotted trouble. There among the revelers was a member of ISIS, flying their black flag with Arabic slogans of hate. “…It’s very distinctively the ISIS flag” she declared and we were off to the races.

But wait a minute, that doesn’t look like Arabic! Why, those are drawings of dildos and butt plugs! It was a dildo and butt plug flag.  But CNN actually brought in a terror expert to discuss why ISIS may be infiltrating the LGBTQ community in London. Now, just about anybody could confuse dildos and butt plugs for Arabic, right? And apparently that’s exactly who CNN hires for reporters; just about anybody. To her credit, Ms. Pawle did think the symbols were “gobbledegook”, but obviously she never had experience with a dildo or a butt plug.
But mistaking parody for the real thing is not all that uncommon on CNN. After all, they do regularly have Wolf Blitzer and Don Lemon regularly impersonate journalists without any sense of irony.
Now, CNN is no stranger to hysteria either. Granted, they do not do it as well as Fox, but they do at times deserve honorable mention. For example, remember when Sanjay Gupta dedicated an entire segment to instructing people on the proper protective gear to wear if you encounter a person infected with Ebola. Of course, what he never explained was that the odds of you ever meeting a person with Ebola in the United States were about the same as seeing a real news story on CNN; close to zero.
The tragedy in all this is that CNN missed a great story about a flag that was actually happening in South Carolina, where a young woman, Bree Newsome, bravely shimmied up the flag pole in front of the South Carolina state house and took down the flag of the Confederacy and was subsequently arrested. That flag was a real flag of hate, honored and exalted by human dildos and butt plugs.  But sadly, no CNN reporter was there to recognize it!