Archive for May, 2017

429

This week, Donald Trump posted an early morning tweet that to the majority of people not on crack made absolutely no sense. It went like this: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” When he was asked about the  “covfefe” tweet during a press conference, Spicy told our reporters, “The President and a small group of people know exactly what he meant”. Right. Which means that the president has completely lost his mind and fell asleep on the toilet. Well, our Clown Car reporters dug deeper into the mystery of “covfefe” and found that this is not the only code word Trump’s staff has had to explain. We found a partial list of other words that Trump invented to express his delusions. Here is a partial list:

Peememe: This means “I’m ready for you to piss on me” It was used between Trump and his Russian contacts as a signal to send in the peeing hookers. Used in a Tweet it would be “This was such a stressful day and I’m horney peememe”

Putdada: This means “Putin is my daddy”. It is how Vladimir Putin demands Donald Trump to start any conversation with himself or a Russian official. On Twitter, it would look like “Obama tapped my wires Putindada”

Scooptutu: This means “Since I’m the president, everyone gets one scoop of ice cream and I get two” This is obviously a really big deal to Trump, along with the fact that he gets the extra chicken sauce and the largest diet Coke.  On Twitter, it would be “I just had a great dinner. Nuked Syria, then had the best chocolate cake scooptutu”

Combama: This is a vision Trump has in his most dreaded nightmare. In it, he is chased by a man with Jim Comey’s body and Barack Obama’s head. This explains his tweet “Bad man, sick man, Combama!”

Obamtap: This is used when the voices inside Donald’s head start telling him someone is watching him and leaking information.  He hallucinates that Obama is under his desk listening to his phone conversations. He tweets “Funny noises in my head, obamatap!”

Inteloopse: Sometimes, when meeting with Russian spies, Trump has been known to blurt out top secret information like the name of American spies working in the Kremlin. Trump then tweets “Inteloops!”

Endhaphape: This is a code word known only to Trump’s most trusted advisors. It is used when he is bragging about his sexual exploits in Russia. It means “happy ending”.  In a tweet, it would be “The girls just gave me a golden shower and endhaphap.”

Hoodwinke: This word is a nod of appreciation to the KKK and white supremacists. As we all know, Trump loves his supporters, especially those white ones, who sometimes wear hoods.  on Twitter it looks like this, “I don’t even know David Duke hoodwink”

Popepoope: A code word for “the Pope’s evil and full of shit” in a tweet, it would look like “The Pope just handed me his encyclical on climate change popepoop.”

Now, the Clown Car reporters were only able to obtain a partial list of these code words. Our sources tell us that some code words are only known to Donald himself. For example, tinypeepee, badshrinkage, poopedpants, and wigglue. For now, we will leave those interpretations to you!

Ryad, Saudi Arabia: Dear Diary, I just landed in Saudi Arabia and I love this place! Everywhere you look, there is a big picture of me just like in my bedroom. So many people come up to me and tell me how better looking I am than Obama because he’s bad or sick. It really feels like home here because all the men are wearing white robes. It’s like one big Trump rally! Later, those guys took out swords and started to dance. It scared the shit out of me and I dropped a load in my pants. They must have really liked my dancing because later the king gave me a medal. The fake news said I curtseyed but like the dishonest media they are, they got the story wrong. I had to dip because my Depends started to shift. On our last night, I gave a speech about how much I love all the Muslims there but that I really don’t want them coming to my country. They seemed OK with that because I sold them lots of guns to help them kill other Muslims. Then we all touched a big glowing ball and it told me I was the best-looking president ever, I had bigger crowds than Obama, and I really won the popular vote. I must remember to fire Sean Spicer and get one of these balls.

Tel Aviv, Israel:  Dear Diary, we finally landed in Israel and believe me, it is good to be out of the Middle East. There are too many Muslims with swords.  My son-in-law Jared is here too and he’s a Jew, so that makes Bibi happy. Bibi has a wall like I want and I got to go there with a guy with a beard and a beanie on his head. They gave me a beanie to wear too, but mine had a helicopter on it.  I touched the wall and everyone thought I was praying but I closed my eyes and wished that Jim Comey would drop dead. Just in case, I hid the tape of me trying to bribe him in a hole in the wall. Later at a news conference, I assured Bibi that I never told the Russians what he told me about ISIS. He looked surprised.

Rome: Dear Diary, Today we landed in Rome. After this, they said we will go to Italy. I can’t wait for Italy because there you get to grab anything you want and get away with it. It’s like all the Italian men are Donald Trump. I tried to grab Melania’s hand on the tarmac but she slapped my hand away. I think she’s still mad about that pissing thing in Moscow or maybe that pussy thing. Whatever, she won’t even hold my hand. She says she doesn’t know where it’s been. Sad. She is such a loser because I have the biggest, best hands to hold. Even those guys in the sheets in Ryad held my hand. I never kissed them like Bush though, because that’s gay and I am not gay. Also, my penis is really big.  I met the pope today. Sean Spicer wanted to come along to confess to lying so much. I sent him home. The pope wore a beanie and a robe. I guess he’s half Muslim and half Jewish. I gave him a set of books from Martin Luthor King, Jr. and told him how much the blacks loved me at home. Then I asked him if he would go on CNN and tell everyone that I am not under investigation by the FBI. He said no and instead gave Ivana a rosary and told her to pray for America. He’s really something. Such a kidder! As we left, all the Cardinals waved goodbye with the special Cardinal Salute holding up their middle fingers in my honor.

Brussels, Belgium: We arrived in Belgium which is a nice break from my European trip. Here I will attend a NATO meeting. To be honest, I have no idea what NATO stands for, but Bannon tells me they owe me a lot of money. I told them to pay up or I might have to send some Russians to mess up their beautiful city. Then we took pictures and some guy from Montenegro tried to get his mug in front of me. I gave him the Montana Body Slam and got in front of him. Note: Add Montenegro to my travel ban. Tomorrow we go to Sicily and I’m looking forward to seeing some old mob buddies hiding there. I guess I’ll be meeting with the seven Giamatti families because they call it the G-7. They helped me with a lot of real estate deals so maybe they can help with Comey. Tomorrow we fly back to Washington where I can finally have some KFC and a decent bowel movement. Traveling really blocks me up and I’m having a Movantik moment. And after I get back, Kellyanne promised me THREE scoops of ice cream and I will be giving the commencement address to the 2017 class of Trump University. “Go Pricks!”

 

427

Sources close to the White House have told the Clown Car that the president of the United States has defected to Russia. Apparently thinking around the president’s legal team is that after the appointment of a special counsel on Thursday, this was his only move left. Last night, on his first foreign tour of his presidency, Trump tweeted one word that left the world baffled.It was “Rosebud.” Moments later, our sources tell us, Trump ordered Air Force One to be prepared for an unscheduled stop in Moscow, Russia.  A few hours later, Trump’s entourage landed at Domodedovo International Airport where they were greeted by Trump’s closest friend and advisor, Vladimir Putin.

On the flight to Moscow, Trump’s new press secretary, Sean Spicelov told reporters that Trump felt underappreciated by friends and enemies alike and decided to spend the rest of his life among the only source of support he had left, the Russians. The scene on Air Force One was surreal as Spicelov, who bore a striking resemblance to Sean Spicer except for a pair of glasses with a big nose and mustache attached, told reporters the plan. Apparently, weeks ago, when the president met with Sergey Lavrov and Sergey Kislyak in the Oval Office, a note was passed from Trump to Lavrov asking to get him out of this mess. Apparently, all the laughing that was seen on the photos of the meeting was Lavrov’s reaction when Trump lamented that he should have never left those pissers in Moscow. Trump said everything trickled out of control since then. The Russians at the time assured him that if he ever needed to get away, the girls in Moscow were still there, ready to shower him with praise.

The appointment of the special counsel was the last straw, according to Spicelov, and the plan was set in motion. Trump contacted Putin’s office and, in exchange for the nuclear codes, Putin agreed to give Trump asylum. When asked by Andrea Mitchell of NBC News about the wisdom of giving such sensitive information to Putin, Spicelov abruptly turned the press briefing over to Sarah Sanderlosky, who, except for a blond wig and a large mole on her nose, resembled Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She dismissed Mitchell’s question, explaining that the nuclear codes were the property of the American people, not the fake news press. Asked if she Trump was concerned Putin would use the codes against the United States, she replied, “well, that would solve the problem of that special counsel then, wouldn’t it?”

When we contacted Melania Trump at Trump Tower, she dismissed the entire incident as her husband just acting out. Melania Trump told The Clown Car that her husband was engaged in “boy talk, and he was led on – like, egg on – from Lavrov to say dirty and bad stuff” in the Oval Office. “He’ll be back!” When asked how she was so sure, Melania responded, “he forgot his golf clubs!”

 

 

426

Episode 426 of The Tim Corrimal Show

Has this ever happened to you? Your boss just fired the FBI director and never gave you a heads-up? The White House press pool is yelling for you outside your door but you don’t want to come out? Your bunny suit is at the dry cleaners so there is nowhere you can hide? Well, this doesn’t have to happen anymore.  Now from the makers of Chia Donald Trump and Chia Kelly Anne Conway comes Instant Shrubbery. With Instant Shrubbery just a few sprays and you are instantly covered from head to toe in plush greenery. And you know the saying, if you can’t see the press then the press can’t see you.

So turn out all the lights and slip into obscurity so no one can see you or hear your answers. You’re not hiding in the bushes, you are just among the bushes but reporters questions go right over the plush greens. And the best thing is that they cannot hear your answers. There are no more worries about your inability to pronounce even the simplest of English words because the shrubs muffle your answers anyway! The trouble with Russian names like Lavrov and Kislyak are lasterday’s problem with Instant Shrubbery. And Instant Shrubbery comes with an adjustable nozzle so you can match the strength of the shrubs to the difficulty of the press conference. Set it on light for questions from Newsmax or InfoWars, turn it up to Fox News medium, or pump the strength all the way up to Glenn Trush emergency or CNN heavy duty. Whatever the job, Instant Shrubbery has the right setting for the right questions.

With Instant Shrubbery you get the peace of mind of knowing that whatever you tell them you can deny tomorrow and blame it on the muffled sound caused by the rustling leaves. In fact, you can claim it wasn’t even you giving the answers because you were hidden by so much brush that they can’t prove you were even there. Think of all the trips to that empty parking garage Deep Throat had to make to uncover Watergate. If he had Instant Shrubbery, he could have tipped off Woodward and Burnstein in the comfort of his own backyard.

Order now and we will send you a can of Instant Shrubbery with the handy adjustable spray nozzle for the unbelievable price or $19.95 plus shipping and money laundering fees. And if you order withing the next 30 minutes, we will include a second can of Instant Shrubbery absolutely free! Just pay extra extortion fees. And if you act now we will include a can of Instant Sarah Huckabee Sanders for the days you just don’t want to do that press briefing at all. Just spray her out to the podium and she will lie just like a republican selling a health care bill. And remember, Instant Shrubbery comes with an iron-clad satisfaction guarantee. If you are not completely satisfied just return the unused portion and we will refund your money, no questions asked. And after all, that’s the point because you really don’t want anyone asking questions.

425

On Episode 425 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it was another crazy week in the White house briefing room. This week Mick Mulvaney and Sean Spicer tried to convince us that tax breaks for billionaires are really health care, republicans care about the poor, and chain link fences are really walls.  And in watching that Alice-In-Wonderland extravaganza, I was reminded of one of my favorite Sesame Street exercises, One Of These Things Is Not Like the Other. So I thought it would be fun to play that game with ten questions from this week in Trumpland. Keep your score on the honor system and we will give you the results at the end.

Let’s play “One Of These Things Is Not Like the Other: Trump Edition”

Question #1:

  1. Viagra
  2. Cialis
  3. Levitra
  4. Paul Ryan

Three are drugs to make your dick hard. One is a big prick.

Question #2:

  1. Abraham Lincoln
  2. Franklin Roosevelt
  3. John F. Kennedy
  4. Donald Trump

Three were presidents who led America through a crisis. One is a crisis.

Question #3:

  1. Medicare
  2. Medicaid
  3. Obamacare
  4. American Health Care Act

Three are health care plans for the old, sick, and poor, one is a plan for fat old men to have a beer party in the Rose Garden.

Question #4:

  1. Bird shit
  2. Elephant shit
  3. Cow shit
  4. Donald Trump

This was a trick question. They are exactly the same thing.

Question #5

  1. Bachelor of Science
  2. Master of Science
  3. PhD
  4. First grade

Three are college earned degrees. The other is the speech level of the current president of the United States.

Question #6

  1. The Russian President
  2. The Russian Prime Minister
  3. The Russian Ambassador
  4. The President of the United States

Three are Russian officials working out of the Kremlin. One is a Russian official working out of the White House.

Question #7

  1. Brad Pitt
  2. Jennifer Lawrence
  3. Anne Hathaway
  4. Michael Flynn

Three have vanity license plates. One will soon be making license plates.

Question #8

  1. A urinal
  2. A toilet bowl
  3. The men’s room floor
  4. Donald Trump

Another trick question. All four get pissed on.

Question #9

  1. John Wilkes Booth
  2. Lee Harvey Oswald
  3. Mark David Chapman
  4. Steve Bannon

Three are assassins. One is an ass.

Question #10

  1. A snake
  2. A cat
  3. A Opossum
  4. Kelly Ann Conway

Three are hissing, one is a missing!.

So, let’s see how you did. If you kept your score at home, here are the results:

0 – 2 Comatose. You really do think a fence is a wall and that your hubcap collection is worth a fortune.

3 – 5 Barely awake. A brain scan would probably reveal cat litter.

6 – 8 Good, but still wondering how you could have missed between two and four of these. Maybe it’s just Trump fatigue.

9 – 10 Excellent. You probably voted for Hillary and are now realizing that we are all screwed!

I hope you all did well, and remember, one of these is better not be like the other: 2010, 2014. 2016. and 2018. Why? Because unlike the first three, in 2018, we take back our country!