Archive for January, 2021

Has your White House been trashed the last four years? Are you ready to move in but the previous occupants didn’t have the decency to warn you about the damage or even give you a chance to see the place before you got there? Well, before you venture into that beautiful new home you earned, maybe you should let some professionals give it a deep cleaning before you expose yourself to who-knows-what is lurking in the cracks and crevices. That’s when you should call the professional services of Trumpy Steemer.

Start off your first presidential term with a deep whole-White House cleaning from the company that knows where all the dirt is hiding. Trumpy Steemer will clean your carpets, air ducts, upholstery, and everything down to that sticky Diet Coke button on your desk. Our friendly professional staff use black-light technology to detect all kinds of dirt, germs, viruses, and bodily fluids that that motley crew before you left behind. Here are some of the places we will check to make sure you and your staff are in a Trump-free environment:

  • Stephen Miller’s office: Wow! you will really want to check out the keyboard, mouse, carpet, and chairs in this one! Rumor is that Stephen pleasured himself a lot in here, especially when Trump would put a child in a cage or arrest a Dreamer. And nope, you don’t want to make a call on that office phone before we dip it in some of our industrial-strength decontaminant.
  • Steve Bannon’s office: I know, you say it’s been a while since this swamp creature infected the White House. But as everyone knows, Stevie boy was never known for a strict hygiene regimen. As a result, there may be some unpleasant odors left behind in this space. As Seinfeld said, when there is B.O., when the B leaves, the O goes with it. Not in Steve Bannon’s case. That’s one stench that will linger like a party guest that fell asleep in your bathroom. We will do more that deodorize this place, we will perform an exorcism if necessary!
  • Sarah Sanders’ office: I know, just like Bannon, this one has been gone for a while. But there is a stain that lingers just like Steve’s B.O. That is what Michelle Wolf reminded us so many years ago at the White House Correspondence Dinner: “She burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye.” Well, that ash is still there and no makeup remover will remove the stain of all those lies Sarah burned so let us Huck that Bee right out!
  • Rudy Guiliani’s office: Where do you even begin!?!?! Hair dye stains, shart stains, drool! And don’t even get us started on whatever he was fishing for down his pants! Just let us handle it, you don’t want to know!
  • The Oval Office: This is the big one and will take all our skill and industrial strength solvents to clean this one up. First, did you know that gas let out after a Happy Meal can linger in your drapes? And forget the stain on that chair behind the Resolute Desk. Kick it to the curb just like its former occupant. And that executive bathroom? That really should be left to the military to deal with. But for the rest of the office, we will use a combination of bleach, UV light, and disinfectant just like the Oval Office was a COVID-19 patient. Which, by the way, it is. We will leave the Oval fresh and clean and leave a complimentary bottle of hydroxychloroquine on your couch pillows.

So don’t move into the White House until all of the Trump smell moves out. Just like Joe and Kamala, Trumpy Steemer keeps the White House cleaner!

On Friday, January 8, following the horrific events at the Capitol Building in Washington two days earlier, Twitter finally decided to cut ties with one of its most prolific posters, one Donald J. Trump. In announcing its divorce from Twitter Dumb, Twitter had the following statement:

After close review of recent Tweets from the @realDonaldTrump account and the context around them we have permanently suspended the account due to the risk of further incitement of violence. In the context of horrific events this week, we made it clear on Wednesday that additional violations of the Twitter Rules would potentially result in this very course of action.

Source: CNN

That one hit Donnie right in his tiny little thumbs. They may as well have taken away his tanning spray or porn star payoff fund. Now all Donnie has to do in the bathroom is flush and flush and flush. No Twitter? They might as well have torn out his Diet Coke button. But don’t despair, Donnie, the Clown Car Update has come to the rescue with our own platform designed just for you, Special Tweeting For U or S.T.F.U. And using S.T.F.U. is easy. Just go to our website and follow these easy steps and you will be posting in no-time:

  1. Click on the “Join Button
  2. Enter your user name. Sorry, our Terms of Service do not allow you to use POTUS after two impeachments.
  3. Enter a password. It should not be anything easily associated with you such as Individual1 or goldenshower45.
  4. There is a $130,000 hush-money fee, payable in cash only. Sorry, your Deutsche Bank Visa is no longer valid. A lot of money you say? Well, just think of us as your social media porn star!

As soon as your check clears and the cash is deposited in our account, you can begin posting just like in the old days. No more long nights listening to Melania whine about fucking Christmas stuff. No more nights biting your tongue when you should be biting a KFC chicken leg while fuming about that pussy Mike Pence. And no more nights wondering what to do with your thumbs besides fingering your tiny mushroom. You now can resume raging at anyone you like without any censorship or annoying little flags alerting your followers that this post is by a rampaging lunatic.

Do you want to post about being the best president since Lincoln? Just S.T.F.U.! Do you want to tell everyone how the 2020 election was stolen from you? Just S.T.F.U.! Do you want to tell everyone that you are a victim of a witch hunt? Just S.T.F.U.! You don’t have to sit all night in your Depends and keep it all in. Nope. Let it all flow like a Russian hooker! You are free to post whatever you want. So the next time you want to tell America what’s on your mind do what all Americans want you to do and just S.T.F.U.!

I know that each week here on the Clown Car Update we make fun and jokes about the antics of the right-wing lunatics that are the infamous Trump base. But this week, what happened in Washington in the halls of congress, in the people’s house, had very little to do with humor. While our allies watched in horror, and our enemies reveled in mockery, a group of traitors and insurrectionists launched a bloody coup trying to destroy the delicate experiment that has been for over 200 years our imperfect union. These traitors took two forms, those who wear business suits and pledge loyalty to a Constitution they use as a rag to wave at their political ambition, and a rabid mob of Trump cultists who wear MAGA hats and pledge loyalty to a deranged narcissist and wave the racist flag of the Confederacy.

But we always knew this was coming. In fact, Hillary Clinton, in a speech to a fundraiser September 9, 2016, was prescient as she described what would become the river of human vomit that gushed into the halls of Congress on Wednesday:

You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? They’re racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic – you name it. And unfortunately, there are people like that. And he has lifted them up. He has given voice to their websites that used to only have 11,000 people – now have 11 million. He tweets and retweets their offensive hateful mean-spirited rhetoric. Now, some of those folks – they are irredeemable, but thankfully, they are not America.

No. They are not “America.” But they were in Washington this week, solely because a deeply disturbed lunatic acting as POTUS and his Republican bootlickers have for the last two months supported his baseless delusion that he won the 2020 election and somehow it was stolen. So on Wednesday, as his congressional sycophants prepared to use the Constitution as kindling to burn down the last vestiges of democracy, Trump stood in front of a mob of freaks dressed like vikings, three-pointed hat knuckleheads, and dentally-challenged bar flies and told them to storm the Capitol Building. As reported in the New York Times,

Mr. Trump concluded his 70-minute exhortation by encouraging everyone to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue to give Republicans at the Capitol “the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country.” Then the president of the United States returned to the White House, at safe distance from the mayhem to unfold.

Published in The New York Times Jan. 6, 2021

Yes, of course, Trump, after promising to walk with them, retreated to the safety of his limo and returned to the White House to do what he does best, let other people get hurt to provide sustenance for his ego. Not surprising the rotten fruit of his fat saggy loins, Don, Jr. and the gum-clapping zombie formerly known as Rudy Giuliani hopped into the safety of their private jets and flew away.

So the Clown Car would like to give a Hillary Clinton Deplorable Award to just a few of the soulless lumps of flesh who made Wednesday’s coup attempt as well as the last four years possible:

  • “Moscow” Mitch McConnell – for selling whatever you passed off as a soul to the devil, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Lindsey “Pearl Clutcher” Graham – for trading whatever you thought was integrity so you could at least have ONE friend in Donald Trump, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, OANN, Newsmax, and all the entire right-wing cesspool for fanning the fires of hate for all these years, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE
  • The Republican Party – All the Clorox in the universe will never remove the indelible stain and stench of Donald Trump from your legacy. Maybe if you inject it! YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Josh Hawley – Really, even the trash bin of history rejected your application, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Ted Cruz – You’re Lyin’ Ted, your wife is ugly, your father is a filthy assassin and YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Mo Brooks – Moe Howard was way smarter than you and way funnier, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Bill Barr – Was it worth it? Oh, by the way, where do you want the ashes of what was left of your integrity to be scattered? I know, how about Lafayette Square? YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Mike Pompeo – So how’s the transition to the second Trump administration going? YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • The Fucking Trump Base – We are SO FUCKING SICK OF YOU and no, we don’t want to listen to what you have to say, we are not interested in your concerns, we really don’t care if you can’t cope with changes in the world, because in the end you are just a bunch of racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic, and Dental-phobic fecal matter. In Hillary’s words, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!

I know we didn’t even scratch the surface with these awards, but feel free to nominate any of the scabs that fell off the Trump leprosy and we will be happy to include them in the next round of Hillary Clinton Deplorable Awards. And I promise, next week, we will have jokes. Oh, and we will be one more week closer to the Biden/Harris Administration!

Well, the holidays are over and it’s time to take down the decorations and make New Year resolutions. It’s also the time when we get rid of all the unwanted things we got for Christmas and have no use for like fruit cake and COVID-19. So we thought that we would take a look at the Clown Car Bargain Bin to see what interesting returned items we might find and who might have returned them and why.

  • One Useful Idiot: Donald Trump, returned by none other than Vladimir Putin. Reason: Well, he turned out to be a useless idiot. His complaint, among other things, is that it only worked intermittently and when it did it kept tripping over itself. It was exchanged for Mo Brooks and Josh Hawley.
  • One Golden Shower Head: Returned by Donald Trump. Reason: Very low flow, unlike the generous spray he got from old fashion Russian hookers. In lieu of a refund, he was given a porn star gift card worth thirty thousand dollars.
  • One Jigsaw Puzzle: Returned by Eric Trump. Reason: According to his complaint, unlike the picture on the box someone smashed the pretty picture inside into tiny pieces. It was exchanged for a coloring book with only big circles to fill in.
  • Unused Christmas Decorations: Returned by Melania Trump. Reason: “Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff!” Exchanged for any speech by Michelle Obama.
  • One Legal Career: Returned by Rudy Giuliani. Reason: No longer has a use for one. Exchanged for a gift certificate to Clear Choice Dental Implants.
  • Thousands of Face Masks: Returned by every Trump deplorable sycophant. Reason: Do not believe in COVID-19. Exchanged for one free intubation at a hospital of their choice. Availability may be limited.
  • One Election Loss: Sorry, Donald, no returns on this item. You own it! However, as a goodwill gesture, we can offer you one free lawn-care treatment compliments of Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

And there was one item that was too bulky and smelly to put into our bargain bin, so it is in the large dumpster behind the Clown Car Garage. It was one Trump Administration, returned by one-hundred eighty one million American voters. Reason: It just stunk up the place. It was exchanged for a Biden-Harris Administration. Happy New Year!