Archive for May, 2015

Back in the 80’s, Huey Lewis and the News had a hit song titled, “It’s Hip To Be Square”.  Well this week on Episode 337 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we learned that among all those stuffy, square, boring GOP clowns running for president, two of them are “hip”. Or in their own words, “cool”. Yes, recognizing that Millennials out there need a reason to vote for them, Scott Walker and Rand Paul want the young generation to know they’re cool.

First, we Scott Walker, he of the union busting, teacher hating Koch Conspiracy.  Sure, he may have laid off your favorite teacher or taken away your dad’s union benefits, but he wants you youngin’s to know that he’s really, really, cool. How do you know?  Well,  just take that anti-women ultrasound bill he signed into law. Why, the left wing radical media made that sound like it was looney to force women to have an ultrasound before having an abortion.  But this was his real reason for signing the bill:

…I find people all the time that pull out their iPhone and show me a picture of their grandkids’ ultrasound and how excited they are, so that’s a lovely thing. I think about my sons are 19 and 20, (and) we still have their first ultrasounds. It’s just a cool thing out there.

You see, he wasn’t trying to put another road block in the way of women’s rights.  All he was trying to do was give more people the opportunity to whip out their iPhones and show their ultrasounds to all their friends and family. It’s a cool thing to force women and their doctors to perform an unnecessary medical procedure.  You know what else would be cool, Scott? A forced brain scan on all candidates for president. Think how proud you would be to pop out your iPhone and show everyone a picture of your empty scull! Look, America, NO BRAINS!

Then we had the coolest thing since Italian Ice, the Aqua Buddha himself, Rand Paul. He wants you college kids to know that he may be a conservative, but he’s really a cool dude.  Did you know that he composts?  Did you know he plants trees? Did you know that that his hair is really peat moss? That’s right, why he’s practically a liberal!  And you can comfortably vote for him because the only thing wrong with republicans is that they don’t know how to lie to you properly.  Republicans like clean air and water.  Republicans love the environment, they just know that increased CO2 makes for better greenhouses. Just imagine our good earth as one big greenhouse, with the Koch brothers providing all the gasses we need to keep it warm.  And all that bad press the GOP gets for being hostile to minorities, it just ain’t so. In his own words, Rand Paul sets the record straight:

I believe the Republican Party and minorities have common ground.

There you go, Rand believes his party and minorities have common ground. The only thing is, he doesn’t believe that businesses should have to share that common ground with minorities at a lunch counter or on a bus. Oh, and if you’re gay, that’s OK with him. He’s cool. Just don’t be gay and want to get wedding cake in Kentucky. Because religious freedom and all that.

So the Clown Car this week is the coolest thing  since the ice cream truck and Scott Walker and Rand Paul have any flavor of cool you want. Unless you’re black or gay or a woman. Then they won’t stop in your neighborhood, unless, of course,  you want to share your ultrasound photos!

 

 

 

This week on Episode 335 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we have a riddle: What do Wal-Mart and Pope Francis have in common?  The answer will surprise you. They are both part of a world wide plot to support terrorists and impose Sharia Law on the United States. Crazy you say?  Only a lunatic would believe that you say?  Well, your right. It is crazy, and it is a lunatic who wants you to believe it. Who is this deranged individual you ask?  Well, none other than Florida’s most embarrassing export since leather skinned 80 year-olds,  Allen West.

If you remember, Florida, who has recently demonstrated a penchant for using elections to play practical jokes on the rest of the country, actually sent Allen West to Congress in 2010.  This alone is reason enough to put Ponce De Leon on a no-fly list.  But I digress.  Mr. West began the week by writing an article on his website entitled “Sharia Law Comes to Wal-Mart?”.  The inspiration for this article was…well let’s have Allen explain it in his own words:

There was a young man doing the checkout and another Wal-Mart employee came over and put up a sign, “No alcohol products in this lane.” So being the inquisitive fella I am, I used my additional set of eyes — glasses — to see the young checkout man’s name. Let me just say it was NOT “Steve.”

I pointed the sign out to [my daughter] Aubrey and her response was a simple question, how is it that this Muslim employee could refuse service to customers based on his religious beliefs, but Christians are being forced to participate in specific events contrary to their religious beliefs?

Boy howdy, that is one astute young lady.

Imagine that, this employee at Wal-Mart refused to just scan a bottle or container of an alcoholic beverage — and that is acceptable. A Christian business owner declines to participate or provide service to a specific event — a gay wedding — which contradicts their faith, and the State crushes them.

Of course! It all makes sense! Wal-Mart is already working with Obama to move an invasion force into Texas in tunnels under their empty stores, which will later be used as FEMA internment camps. The next logical step would naturally be the imposition of Sharia law, and where better to start than in Wal-Mart stores. They already are part of the conspiracy, can offer Muslims deep discounts on household items, and conveniently have their own pharmacies to sedate captured Americans. It all fits. Except for one little tiny detail. Upon further investigation, Allen discovered that “Steve”, the young terrorist working the checkout line, was a minor and prohibited by Florida state law  from selling alcoholic beverages. Allen later clarified the error, but still insisted that Christians were about to be thrown to the lions, only now they will have to face the lions sober.

Mr. West quickly recovered from that fiasco to uncover yet another plot, this time the center of it was none other than Pope Francis Obama.  You see, the Pope, recognizing his responsibility to help bring peace to all Christians , recognized Palestine as a state (and yes, there are Christians in Palestine).  Thursday Allen went on that bedrock of journalism, Newsmax, to declare:

This is horrific… At a time when Islamic terrorists are slaughtering Christians — Catholics — all over the Middle East, for the Pontiff to recognize a terrorists organization…This is unconscionable that he is doing that…

Unconscionable indeed! Where are the Papal F-15’s? What about the Holy See Blackhawk Helicopters? Where are the Holy Trinity Cluster bombs? Nowhere to be seen, because this pope is conspiring with Muslims and Obama to establish a caliphate that will dominate the world under one rule. And don’t say Allen West didn’t warn you if the next time you try to by cheap wine in a Wal-Mart, the pope doesn’t come out from behind the counter, strike you with a Qur’an and force feed you gay cake from their wonderful bakery department!

 

On Episode 334 of the Tim Corrimal Shoe we “Remember the Alamo”! Only this time, it’s not Santa Anna, but Barack Obama who is invading the Republic of Texas. Or is Texas a state? Lately, with the right wing paranoiashpere on fire, it’s hard to tell.  Anyway, the word is out, the NRA wants all Texans to stock up on ammo, the Barackalypse is coming!

If you are wondering what all the fuss is about, it started when the Pentagon announced an armed forces joint military exercise called Jade Helm 15.  It is to be held from July 15, 2015 to September 15, 2015.  It will be conducted over several southwestern states chosen because the terrain offers challenges similar to conditions in the Middle East. In preparation, the military has been consulting with local officials on safety, preventing property damage, and so on. Then came the fun part.

First mix a military with a socialist commander in chief, a gun crazy Texas population, and the closing of several Wal-Marts because of bad plumbing problems.  Then throw in a large dose of right wing paranoia and some tin foil and what do you have? An invasion of Texas, with empty Wal-Marts being used as makeshift FEMA prisons to detain the resisting population. The goal here, according to conspiracy experts from various right wing panic machines, is to assist ISIS and Mexico in first occupying and then annexing Texas as their own territory. Why Texas, you ask? Where better to send a message that Sharia Law is coming to America than in Texas! It’s where all real Americans wear big Stetson hats, pledge allegiance to their guns and ammo, and can’t remember the third thing on a list.

But move over, Sam Houston, because Gov. Abbot is your worthy successor and he will not take this sitting down, at least not in a Wal-Mart men’s room stall. No sir, those Texans are gonna fight back. How? By asking the Texas National Guard to keep a lookout for Navy Seals and Special Forces wearing Hilary 2016 tee shirts. That’s the first step to martial law and everyone having to wear pant suits. And to back up the guard will be Texas’ modern day Jim Bowie,  Chuck Norris, who had a warning for Texans:

The US government says, ‘It’s just a training exercise.’ But I’m not sure the term ‘just’ has any reference to reality when the government uses it.

Got that? Chuck Norris lives in a world of reality, where martial artists kick down helicopters and and Mike Huckabee is your next president.  Or maybe, just maybe, Chuck took one too many spin kicks to the head.

And then our own modern day Davy Crockett, Rand Paul, volunteered for action. He will save us from FEMA death camps with a promise to

[We’ll] look at [the conspiracy theories circulating] also.

Fightin’ words from the man in the coon skin cap? Oops! That’s his hair.

And of course what would a Texas invasion conspiracy theory be without the wit and wisdom of Louie Gohmert? Noting that the military planning map had the Texas territory shaded red for “hostile”, he let this observation roll off his brain and out his ear:

I was rather appalled that the hostile areas amazingly have a Republican majority

Well, Louie, there’s a good reason for that. Remember, the Clintons are behind everything!

And last there was Ted Cruz, our Canadian version of Col. William B. Travis, who bravely stood up to the invasion forces and said:

My office has reached out to the Pentagon to inquire about this exercise,

Take that, Obama! We reached out to the Pentagon! War over!

From this latest episode into the tin foil world of right wing lunacy we learned two things. First, Chuck Norris, Rand Paul, Louie Gohmert, and Ted Cruz really need to spend more time playing mahjong at the rest home .  Second, if you are taken to a Wal-Mart death camp be forewarned, the toilets are out of order.

 

Bad news on Episode 333 of The Tim Corrimal Show. The GOP Clown Car was involved in an accident. It happened while it was touring the ancient city of Rome. Driven by Koch Industry’s Heartland Institute, it was there to Kochsplain the great climate change hoax to Pope Francis. It was there that the Clown Car went out of control, veered into oncoming science, and collided head on with the Popemobile! Here’s what happened.

The Genesis of this story (pun intended) was the Pope’s announcement that he would be issuing an encyclical this summer calling on government leaders to address climate change as it effects the welfare of all people of earth, especially the poor.  To that end, The Vatican this week held a climate summit with members of the scientific community and U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon after which they issued the following statement,

[We] appreciate that (nature) is a precious gift entrusted to our common care, making it our moral duty to respect rather than ravage the garden that is our home.

Whoa! OUR garden? The Koch brothers beg to differ. Maybe you didn’t get the memo Francis, but the Koch brothers decide whose garden this is and who gets to ravage it. Haven’t you been paying attention to the American presidential races? The rules are you have to kneel before the Brothers Koch and kiss their pompous asses before you get their blessing. That goes for popes too!

Well, not to worry, the Kochs forgive you and to prove it they sent the Heartland Institute to broadside your Popemobile and your climate summit too. First, the Kochs would like you to know that all those scientists and experts suck.

[They] refuse to acknowledge the abundant data showing human greenhouse gas emissions are not causing a climate crisis and there is no need for a radical reordering of global economies that will cause massive reductions in human freedom and prosperity…

Got that, Francis. You’re reducing human freedom and prosperity by interfering with the Koch brothers’ cash flow. Don’t you know that carbon emissions make you prosperous and free? Especially if your name is Koch and you make more money in an hour than the entire economy of Argentina. So screw you and the Cardinals you rode in on!

And another thing, Pops,  you better bone up on your Bible studies. But for your sake, here’s a little lesson from the Koch brothers:

Humans are not causing a climate crisis on God’s Green Earth—in fact, they are fulfilling their Biblical duty to protect and use it for the benefit of humanity. Though Pope Francis’ heart is surely in the right place, he would do his flock and the world a disservice by putting his moral authority behind the United Nations’ unscientific agenda on the climate…

That’s right, it’s in the Bible. God wants the Koch brothers to be rich and by poisoning the earth they are merely doing God’s work. And if you know what’s good for you, you would get busy doing the Kochs’ work too and tell your flock to stop complaining of hunger and drought caused by human activity and burn more oil and gas. Otherwise, you are interfering with God’s plan to enrich the Kochs. Besides, they have plenty of food and water and enough money to build a big ark before the ocean reaches Kansas.

But Pope Francis is unfazed by the temper tantrums of billionaires. His spokesman had a message for the Kochs:

[T]he ever-accelerating burning of fossil fuels that powers our economic engine is disrupting the earth’s delicate ecological balance on almost-unfathomable scale…

We clearly need a fundamental change of course, to protect the earth and its people…

[T]he wealthiest countries, the ones who have benefited most from fossil fuels, are morally obligated to push forward and find solutions to climate-related change and so protect the environment and human life…

[And] are obliged both to reduce their own carbon emissions and to help protect poorer countries from the disasters caused or exacerbated by the excesses of industrialization.

Let me Popesplain that passage to you, Koch brothers. The Pope doesn’t care about your profits, your freedom, or your well being. In fact, he thinks you should be doing a lot more for the poor in this world. And if you think your billion dollar clown car persuaded him that he is misleading his flock, he has a message for you. Go flock yourself!