Back in the 80’s, Huey Lewis and the News had a hit song titled, “It’s Hip To Be Square”. Well this week on Episode 337 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we learned that among all those stuffy, square, boring GOP clowns running for president, two of them are “hip”. Or in their own words, “cool”. Yes, recognizing that Millennials out there need a reason to vote for them, Scott Walker and Rand Paul want the young generation to know they’re cool.
First, we Scott Walker, he of the union busting, teacher hating Koch Conspiracy. Sure, he may have laid off your favorite teacher or taken away your dad’s union benefits, but he wants you youngin’s to know that he’s really, really, cool. How do you know? Well, just take that anti-women ultrasound bill he signed into law. Why, the left wing radical media made that sound like it was looney to force women to have an ultrasound before having an abortion. But this was his real reason for signing the bill:
…I find people all the time that pull out their iPhone and show me a picture of their grandkids’ ultrasound and how excited they are, so that’s a lovely thing. I think about my sons are 19 and 20, (and) we still have their first ultrasounds. It’s just a cool thing out there.
You see, he wasn’t trying to put another road block in the way of women’s rights. All he was trying to do was give more people the opportunity to whip out their iPhones and show their ultrasounds to all their friends and family. It’s a cool thing to force women and their doctors to perform an unnecessary medical procedure. You know what else would be cool, Scott? A forced brain scan on all candidates for president. Think how proud you would be to pop out your iPhone and show everyone a picture of your empty scull! Look, America, NO BRAINS!
Then we had the coolest thing since Italian Ice, the Aqua Buddha himself, Rand Paul. He wants you college kids to know that he may be a conservative, but he’s really a cool dude. Did you know that he composts? Did you know he plants trees? Did you know that that his hair is really peat moss? That’s right, why he’s practically a liberal! And you can comfortably vote for him because the only thing wrong with republicans is that they don’t know how to lie to you properly. Republicans like clean air and water. Republicans love the environment, they just know that increased CO2 makes for better greenhouses. Just imagine our good earth as one big greenhouse, with the Koch brothers providing all the gasses we need to keep it warm. And all that bad press the GOP gets for being hostile to minorities, it just ain’t so. In his own words, Rand Paul sets the record straight:
I believe the Republican Party and minorities have common ground.
There you go, Rand believes his party and minorities have common ground. The only thing is, he doesn’t believe that businesses should have to share that common ground with minorities at a lunch counter or on a bus. Oh, and if you’re gay, that’s OK with him. He’s cool. Just don’t be gay and want to get wedding cake in Kentucky. Because religious freedom and all that.
So the Clown Car this week is the coolest thing since the ice cream truck and Scott Walker and Rand Paul have any flavor of cool you want. Unless you’re black or gay or a woman. Then they won’t stop in your neighborhood, unless, of course, you want to share your ultrasound photos!