Well, it’s that time of year when we will be visited by a variety of ghosts and ghouls who will try to scare you out of your wits in an effort to get a treat or, better yet, money. No, I’m not talking about the GOP congress; I’m talking about the Trick-or-Treaters who visit us each Halloween. It promises to be an especially dangerous year for visits by nefarious characters you may want to avoid if they ring your doorbell. For your protection, I have compiled a partial list of the most hideous of the group so you can recognize them before they climb on to your porch. This way you will have a chance to turn off your lights and pretend you’re not home. Here then is the Trick-or Treat Watch List for 2013:
His disguise: Sam, I Am.
His Treat: This guy will try to convince you to stop paying your bills and contribute to his presidential campaign. He blathers on about Green Eggs and Ham and World War II Memorials, but all he really wants is cash. He’s very clever and convincing. If you tell him you can’t afford to give him money, he will tell you to stop paying your bills and to defund your health insurance policy. He will try to convince you that not paying your creditors is really no problem and in fact they will respect you more for being a deadbeat. Also, he believes your health is a train wreck anyway, so why bother.
His Trick: If you don’t give him what you want, he will threaten to burn down your house. No, this is not an idle threat. He has already tried to burn down the entire country.
His disguise: A parrot perched on a kid dressed as John McCain
His Teat: He wants a cracker, or more specifically, his senate seat. Lindsey is afraid of everyone who stands to his right, so he keeps repeating “Benghazi, Benghazi” over and over again along with “Bad Obama, Bad Obama”. He learned this from his owner, John McCain, who also taught him to say “Get to the bottom of it!” He’s a clever bird, but very boring.
His Trick: Whatever you do, don’t give him any answers, because he won’t believe you. As a matter of fact, he won’t even listen to you. Instead, he will return to your house hour after hour with the same demands and relentless yacking. The best approach is to refer him to Fox News and tell him they will let him live with them if he wants. Actually, this is true.
His disguise: A Journalist.
His treat: He will try to convince you he is a serious TV interviewer but he really is nothing but a speaker system wired to GOP headquarters. Yep, if you pull his hair off you will find nothing but wires and a copy of the latest republican talking points. If you want to stop this one in his tracks, ask him a follow up question. His wiring will catch fire and smoke will come out of his nose. But don’t worry, they will have him fixed before you can say “If it’s Sunday, it’s Meet the Press”.
His Trick: He will punish you by coming back to your house every Sunday.
His Disguise: The bully from “A Christmas Story”
His Treat: He wants desperately for you to tell him he is always right. That’s right, no candy, and no money, just agree with everything he says. Then give him a big gooey donut and a cup of Starbucks. This will shut him up long enough for the girl with him, dressed as Mika, to say “Oh, Joe!” and pull him away from your door.
His Trick: He’ll show up next year and deny everything he told you this year. After all, he’s always right, even when he’s wrong.
The Tea Party
The disguise: A mob dressed in hoods with torches and picks.
The Treat: They want their country back, and they want it now! So give it to them! Also, they want you to swear to uphold their constitution. No, not the Constitution of the United States, the other one; the one without that pesky 14th Amendment; the one with only a 2nd and 10th Amendment.
The Trick: If they don’t get their country back, or, more specifically, a white president, they will threaten to march on your house with misspelled signs that misinterpret everything from the Constitution to the Bible. Also, they will go on Wikipedia and rewrite every event that doesn’t support their version of history.
His disguise: A Keystone Cop
His treat: He wants to look in your house for dirt. If he can’t find any, he’ll bring his own, scatter it on your floor, then, ask you to explain where it came from. When you point out that he put it there, he’ll find you in contempt and demand you leave the house. This guy will never tell you this, but most of the dirt he carries around to spread on other people comes from his house. It’s made of glass.
His Trick: This guy will stand outside of your house and keep throwing dirt at it with the hope that some will stick to your siding.
His disguise: Dr. Strangelove
His Treat: He wants to start a fight with you, but wants the other kids with him to do the fighting. Then he will sit back and watch the carnage, claiming he’d love to participate, but he has to take a deferment because of his bad heart. This is a total lie, because he doesn’t have one.
His Trick: If you don’t cooperate with him, he will have someone hold you down pour water down your throat. He calls this “enhanced pranking”.
Warning: This is only a partial list. There are rumors that there is a Chia Pet disguised as a senator from Kentucky, a drunk claiming to be the Speaker of the House, and a Virginia governor carrying a vaginal probe. So be careful about who you let in your house because once these monsters get in, they are very hard to get rid of.