Archive for June, 2016

391

This week on Episode 391 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it was an exciting week for all of us political nerds.  It was the week that the primary season came to an end (sorry D.C. but we love you anyway). It was also a week in which the GOP went into a bi-polar dysphoria when they simultaneously embraced and denounced the racist at the top of their ticket, Donald Trump after making disgusting comments about a distinguished federal judge and his Mexican heritage.   It was also a week for YUUUUGE endorsements from major political players like Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Elizabeth Warren.  But the biggest endorsement, the one that flushes all others down the drain, the one that plumbs the depths of the political world came from the drain snake himself,  Joe the Plumber.  His pick went to the human hair clog, Donald Trump.

Joe burst on the scene like a leaking sewer pipe when he confronted candidate Obama about his plan to increase taxes on people earning more than 250K.  Well, this would hurt Joe’s plumbing business severely and he let the candidate know it!  Taxing, he said, was a slippery slope, just like a backed up sewer line.  Oh, and he hated the bailout and trade unions.

Well, John McCain and Sarah Palin thought he represented the typical republican voter, a mindless troll with crap flowing out of his mouth. So they put him on the campaign trail. Unfortunately like everything republican,  Joe wasn’t quite what he said he was.  First, his name wasn’t Joe, but Sam.  Oh, and he didn’t have a plumbing business, he just worked for one.  And he didn’t have a license to be a plumber, so according to Ohio regulations, he wasn’t even a plumber.  Oh, and Sam never made 250K so the tax increase would never affect him.  So, it turned out, Sam or Joe was a fraud, just like McCain’s running mate.

So this week, Sam, or Joe,  plunged into the political arena once again to make the most valuable endorsement of the political season.  He said he had been thinking about it for quite some time, and found the answer at the bottom of a septic tank. It was Donald Trump.

Joe broke down his reasons for the endorsement like bacteria breaking down solid waste. He thinks Donald will bring sanity and clarity to the country,  just like Liquid Plumber brings clarity to your drain.  Then, says Joe, Trump will make America great again, like a  shining toilet upon a hill of Porta Potties. And, Joe warns, don’t listen to the pundits that say he will never beat Hillary Clinton.  He reminded us that Donald went through a pack of GOP contenders like Draino through a grease trap.  So put your toilet seat down and vote  for Donald Trump because he rose to the top of the heap like a floating turd in a swimming pool.  And speaking of swimming pools, Joe likes that Trump has no filters.  He just says what’s on his mind, which is what is most likely blocking your toilet right now!

Oh, and if you are wondering what the anti-union, anti-bailout plumber activist is doing now? He is a proud employee of the bailed out Chrysler Corporation making Jeeps as a proud member of the UAW union! I guess what they say about dogs is true of plumbers: They never smell their own crap!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

390

This week Judge Gonzalo Curiel who is overseeing the lawsuits filed against the Trump University scam released document relative to the case. Included were depositions from former employees of Trump’s who painted a picture of the operation that was uglier than Trump in tights.  But here on Episode 390 of Tim Corrimal Show, our reporters at the  have obtained copies of the actual itinerary from one of the actual sessions:

7:00 – 8:00 AM  Registration ($1500, plus processing and special fees)

Attendees will register at the tables marked “This Is Where You Register”.  If you are uneducated, and we love the uneducated, someone will be available to assist you in finding the table. A nominal five hundred dollar assistance fee will apply. Also, if you are uneducated, don’t attempt to read the registration forms or contracts yourself. A member of our staff will show you where to sign.  Please have a cash or a valid credit card available with a minimum limit of thirty-five thousand dollar.  Sorry, we can no longer accept checks due to the large volume of “stop payments” received after past seminars.

8:00 – 8:45 AM  Breakfast

Breakfast will be served in the main cafeteria. Please be advised that there is a four hundred dollar cover for seating in the cafeteria.  If you are a Muslim, a reporter, or a Mexican judge who is biased against Mr. Trump, please indicate that on your registration form so meals can be specially prepared.  We are not responsible for deaths due to food borne illness.

8:45 –  10:00 AM  Break

There will be a one hour and fifteen minute break so our staff can count your money and verify that your credit cards have cleared. Attendees are encouraged to use this time to call their relatives and friends to borrow money for a possible upgrade to our more exclusive packages.  If you wish, you can provide us with a list of these people and we can call them for you during the break and tell them you have been kidnapped.

10:00 AM – 12:00 PM Seminar 1: The Futility of Suing

One of Mr. Trump’s hand picked lecturers, Joey “The Stump” Bagarella,  will give you the best legal advise about why suing Donald Trump or accusing him of running a scam could get you or a loved one hurt.  You may as well kill yourself if you’re thinking about it, because Mr. Trump will come after you with a counter suit and very nasty Tweets about you and he has millions of followers. And remember, your address and phone number are on your registration forms and you have agreed that we can publish them and the names of your wife and children with the caption “Enemies of Trump”.

12:00 PM – 1:00 PM  Lunch

There will be a one hour lunch break however no lunch will be served on site. Of course you are welcome to bring a bag lunch, however Mexican and Chinese food are prohibited. We will never beat the Mexicans or Chinese if we keep eating their food.  You may leave the building for lunch but an exit deposit of five hundred dollars will be required. You will be provided with ankle bracelets to insure that you do not visit the office of the Attorney General during this time.  Upon your return, assuming you did not contact the Better Business Bureau or the AG, your deposit will be returned less four hundred and fifty dollars for the rental of the ankle bracelet.  Evidence of tampering with the bracelet will result in forfeiture of the remaining fifty dollars.

1:00 PM – 3:00 PM Seminar 2: Hair Care and Tanning

World famous tanning expert and former Speaker of the House John Boehner will present the first half of this session focused on good tanning skills.  This is very important in the real estate business since people want to make tremendous deals with orange moguls. Trust us. The Second half of the session will be taken over by Ann Coulter who will review the various ways to use hair to cover up bald spots and large Adams apples.

3:00 PM – 4:00 PM Seminar 3: Meet Donald Trump

You will practice meeting the real Donald Trump with a life size cardboard cutout of the billionaire.  At this time you will be afforded the opportunity to take pictures with the cardboard cutout which will be available for purchase after the presentation for $300 per print, suitable for framing.  Also, you will be given the opportunity to sign up for the next level of the Trump University curriculum for a discounted fifteen thousand dollars.

4:00 PM – 5:00 PM Evaluations and Debriefing

The final hour will be dedicated to filling out the 100 page Satisfaction Questionnaire praising Trump University’s courses and signing a legal deposition  swearing you loved the course and that it was everything you paid for.  If you have difficulty with this form, our friendly assistant Luca Brasi will keep you focused on completing the forms. After the debriefing you will be shown video of your family taken moments earlier to prove they have not been harmed. Yet.

Attempts to reach Donald Trump for comment on the validity of this agenda were unsuccessful, however in a statement issued shortly after our investigation, Trump spokesman John Miller had this to say: “Trump University has been a huge success believe me.  If that Mexican judge didn’t have it in for Mr. Trump, the best lawyers tell him this lawsuit would be thrown out, of at the very least, thrown over that big, beautiful wall he is building. And if you don’t believe me, I mean HIM,  just ask his African-American!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

388

This week the presumptive nominee of the Republican party and part time carrot issued a list of potential appointments he would make to the Supreme Court.  The names on the list made Antonin Scalia look like Mother Teresa. The list was full of right wing lunatics and fringe judges who would have no trouble waterboarding suspects to force them to confess to being Mexican Muslim transgender abortion doctors performing gay weddings in the wrong bathroom. But this list was only the beginning and the investigative reporters at the Tim Corrimal Show have obtained a more onerous list of appointments Mr. Trump intends to make with his personal comments attached. Here are just a few:

Vice President: Meat Loaf

“The VP is supposed to attack my enemies and give supporters red meat. This guy is gonna be beautiful because his name has ‘meat’ IN IT!  And he has a hit song about getting laid in a car!” I did that lots of times, believe me. Just look at my hands!”

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE): Vladimir Putin

“A terrific leader and he has his own horse and gun. I saw him without a shirt and he’s got way better pecs than Obama. He will be in charge of building the wall on the Mexican border and we all know how terrific Russians are building walls! I could just hear those sad Mexicans yelling “Mr. Putin, tear down that wall! Ha, ha, ha!  Watch out Mexico or you will end up being part of Crimea!”

Department of Transportation, Safety Division: Gary Busey

“The guy is tremendous! We need to cut down on safety regulations so our economy can grow, and who better than a guy who cracked his head open to prove you can survive a crash on a motorcycle without wearing a helmet. He’s not asking anyone to do anything he wouldn’t do. Just ask him, just not in front of a microwave”

Chief of Staff: Sarah Palin

“This woman is tremendous with words.  She is an artist with words, like that elephant who just throws paint on the wall. And it doesn’t matter to her what the words mean or if they are really words at all! She is the best with words. And she’s not politically correct with words and he will say any words in any order,  and without verbs. Really, anyone will be making a mistake if they misunderestimated her because she is great in a squirmish!”

 White House Press Secretary: Kim Jong-un

“The guy is beautiful, just like a Korean Donald Trump! He got rich and powerful at a young age, and then he killed his own family to avoid a hostile takeover. We could be brothers! Who better to watch for bad journalists and make them go away.  Between him and Putin,  the next White House Correspondent’s Diner might be held in a gulag!”

Secretary of War on Christmas: Bill O’Reilly

“This guy is tremendous and he knows zones. War zones, no spin zones, you name it, he’s zoned!.  He fought at the Falkland Islands and I hear he got shot several times in the head.  You’d never know it, though. Then he bandaged up his own wounds and walked 4,581 miles to a Holiday Inn in Mexico  City to file his report. On the way he saved some Catholic nuns from being killed and made them breakfast. He’s no liar and a real American hero because he told me many times. Under his leadership we will plant the new American flag with a nativity scene instead of stars and the Ten Commandments for stripes in every country we invade to take their oil.

Personal Secretary: Megyn Kelly

“Since this girl had her lobotomy she has been tremendous. Did you see that wonderful interview I wrote for her the other night? She read all the lines like she was told and really has no problem with me calling her a bimbo. Actually, she really likes it and laughs when I say ‘Hey, bimbo, get me a cup of coffee!’. She stares into space a lot now, but she’s a sweet girl and a tremendous typist”

Special Prosecutor: Alex Jones

“This guy knows things no one else in the media knows.  He’s tremendous and he will be in charge of the biggest investigation in American history.  People have actually told me that. They come up to me and ask ‘Mr. Trump, how can you let that transgender Michele Obama get away with murdering Joan Rivers?’ Well here’s my answer. She’s going to jail, folks! Alex Jones will have unlimited authority to find the evidence and put Mrs., Ms., or Mr. Obama or whoever she is behind bars!”

White House Mascot: Ronald Reagan’s Corpse

“Hey, honestly, I’m a huge conservative.  I’m a Reagan conservative and he inspired me tremendously with the great stuff he did.  And speaking of stuff, that’s what I had them do to his body so it can sit here and inspire me every time I have to make a decision or have to push one of those buttons in that brief case which I find very interesting and may push some day just to see what happens. Ronnie is right here looking as new as a box of Twenty Mule Teem Borax! And I gotta say, next to me, he had the best hair for a president”

This is just the beginning. As the GOP congeals around Trump like a blood clot the Donald will no doubt get bolder, issuing new lists of appointees to his make-believe Trump White House.  We will have continuous updates on this series of reports we call “The Swindler’s List”.