Archive for July, 2016

3951

This week on Episode 395 of the Tim Corrimal Show, as history was being made at the Democratic National Convention, disturbing revelations of Russian interference in our national elections surfaced and in the middle of the messy story was a huge ball of orange hair. When asked about it, he weapons-grade plumb denied any involvement then asked his friends at the Kremlin to hack into government computers to dig up dirt on Hillary Clinton. This set off a firestorm of questioning to which The Steaming Pile of Orange Dung  told an female NBC reporter to “Shut up!”. But the investigative reporters in the Clown Car garage did some hacking of our own and what we found was shocking. We uncovered  disturbing links between the Russians and The Evil Cheeto and they explain a lot about some of his political tactics.  Here are some highlights as reported by our whistleblowers at ClownLeaks:

  • Trump keeps an extra pair of underwear and a toothbrush at Putin’s apartment.
  • Putin has been seen leaving the Kremlin with orange residue on his fingers.
  • Every time Trump says “Believe me” it is a coded message to Putin meaning”I love you”
  • The code name given to Trump by Russian security forces is “Tiny Orange Hands”
  • On one trip to Russia, Donald Trump visited a Moscow tattoo parlor and had “Glad To Be Vlad’s” placed on his ass.
  • Kremlin doctors have repeatedly treated Trump for what they described as “shrinkage”.
  • Vladimir Putin often meets with Trump disguised as Scott Baio.
  • Donald’s hairpiece was made from Putin’s chest hair.
  • Putin’s favorite pet name for Donald is “Cheetos Butt”.
  • Due to his bladder condition, Putin often teases Trump as “Wikileaks”.
  • Trump is often smuggled into the Kremlin as a large tangerine ballbag.
  • Putin’s named his horse “John Barron”
  • Trump’s Kremlin email account is fucktrumpet@comradeputin.ru

Besides these examples, it was discovered that Trump has been given extensive access to Kremlin office equipment and used Putin’s private copy machine to prepare Melania’s convention address. In addition, large shipments of cash have flowed from the Trump campaign to the Kremlin in crates marked “Trump Steaks”. Also, members of the Russian Federal Assembly have been intimidated and coerced into signing up for Trump University and forced to pay with their own credit cards.

Folks, the menace is real and it must be stopped now. We here at ClownLeaks are working diligently to release to you the very latest in the ongoing conspiracy to turn our country into the United States of Russia. So be wary and be sure to vote for Hillary Clinton on November 8. If you don’t, the next time someone flips your state to red, you may be speaking Russian.

394 This week on Episode 394 of the Tim Corrimal Show,  we look back at the GOP convention, which to me more resembled an episode of the Sopranos.  So much so that in addition to all the national news outlets, the convention attracted some foreign news outlets, like Aljazeera America and a little known network run by the mob, Alcapona America. You may not have  heard much about Alcapona because they mostly cover the big mafia meetings which, of course, the GOP convention was. I thought it would be interesting to hear how they covered the convention, so here is a transcript of the Alcapona Network’s summery of the Republican National Convention. A word of caution, the transcript contains psychopathic references, violence to hogs, and Scott Baio.

From the Alcapona Network:

“Hello, Consiglieres and Capos, this is Paulie Gatto reporting from a safe house somewhere in Cleveland. This week, there was a big meeting called by the head of the Trumpano family, Don Trumpano. I’m not kidding, his parents named him Don, like they knew he was a baby, he was going to head one of the families or something. Stupid, right? Why would you name a kid Don? It’s stupid, like naming a kid Barron. First, let me say, that Johnny Kasici, head of the Kasici family in Ohio, was not amused that Trumpano was muscling in on his territory and refused to go. Anyway, it was supposed to be peaceful, no guns allowed in the meeting. As we went in, there was a sign next to a table piled with Italian pastries. It said, “Leave the gun, take a Cannoli”.

On Monday, Don Trumpano comes out and promises a big night of speakers to present his plan to take over. Instead, we get some punk ass guy called “Chachi”. He sounds like the kid who walks my Uncle Dominick’s German Shepard, Reince. Anyway, this Chachi punk starts with the “C” word and right away my wife has to leave upset. Women don’t care for that kind of language, you know. Then the Don’s wife, Melania Trumpano, starts talking and it’s like deja vu all over again. I realize that I heard this speech at another meeting a few years ago run by the Obama Family. This Trumpano woman ripped it off! She seemed like a nice lady, though, and had nice pair of  getaway sticks. Then, everyone starts to walk out and they bring on Joni “The Blade” Ernst. Now I thought Joni loved Chachi, but right away she starts threatening to cut everybody’s balls off. Then, she’s talking about putting bread bags on our feet. I don’t know what she’s taking about, but the only time we use bread bags is to put over some creeps head just before we dump his body in the river. Bad night.

Tuesday wasn’t much better. They brought in a guy named Chris “The Traffic Cone” Christie from New Jersey operation. He seemed like a tough guy, asking everybody if they were guilty or not guilty. Every made guy knows you say “not guilty” in front of the judge. Unless, of course you are paid off to take the rap for somebody, like that McIver woman who ended up taking the rap for Mrs. Trumpano’s speech on Monday.  The night ended when the Trumpano family doctor came in to talk about some Saul Alinsky who I think he said came from Hell’s Kitchen, but I fell asleep.

Wednesday started out kind of boring. The Don introduced his under boss, Mike “Whitie” Penceangelo, then he kissed him which means the next time we see him he will be floating in the middle of Lake Tahoe like Fredo Corleone.  Then there was real excitement, when some Cruz guy from the Texas syndicate came in and tried to assassinate Don Trumpano. Trumpano’s consigliere, Pauly Manaforte, had to drag him and his wife screaming to the back ally where Joni “The Blade” tried to put a bread bag over his head. He got away, I think.

It all ended Thursday when we finally found out why Don Trumpano called the meeting. His daughter warmed up the meeting for him. She seemed like a nice girl, but my wife didn’t think it was nice the way the Don put his hand’s on his daughter’s ass, though. As it turns out, this was one big protection shakedown. He told everyone what a shame it would be if some thugs or terrorists killed our families and our nice country burned down. But there was nothing to worry about because he would make sure no wise guys would come into our place. All we had to do is give him complete control of the operation. Everyone seemed to buy it, and started putting on stupid hats and dancing.

That wraps it up here. This was one of the worst meetings I ever went to, and a lot of the other families are really worried. It looks like this guy Trumpano is real dangerous and we will have to go to the mattress, which some women who knew Trumpano said he liked to do a lot. That’s it from the safe house, and remember, keep your friends close, and take a Cannoli”

 

393

On Episode 393 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the circus is in town and Cleveland is being penetrated like the “P” in the Trump/Pence logo. Don’t let the big tent fool you, there are no Muslims here. No sir, this is a real American tent holding real American people eager to return to a real America where white women stay home and bake cookies while their white husbands freely grope their secretaries then ride home on all the front seats of the bus. Yes folks, under this tent Americans are free to tell ethnic jokes, make fun of people in wheel chairs, and pray to Jesus that gay people will choke on their wedding cake.  And don’t worry about that black guy in the crowd. He’s just Donald’s African-American. This is America’s tent where you are free to hate anyone not like you and never brush your teeth.

There are clowns, acrobats, and freaks just like the circuses of old. And there are elephants, of course. Not only are they the mascot of the GOP, but a symbol that political correctness and animal rights have no place here. No vegetarians either, just red meat eaters who enjoy their meals served on a pitch fork.

The best part of the GOP circus are the acts right out of American Horror Story. Here are a few you will get to see for the admission price of five-hundred thousand dollars:

  • Speaker of the House Paul Ryan will walk a tightrope suspended high in the air over the jagged ruins of his career and the jaws of Donald Trump. No safety net for this daredevil, he just does not believe in them.
  • House Majority Leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy, a master magician, will perform his famous disappearing act just as he did right before the election for Speaker of the House. Watch as he picks up the microphone and tells the truth about the Benghazi committee and vanishes into thin air like evidence in a Clinton investigation.
  • Sen. Tom “Cotton Mouth” Cotton and his snake act. Cotton will hiss and crackle as he plays with his fellow congressional serpents. In the finale, he leads them over to an effigy of President Obama and they bite him until he drops the Iran Nuclear Deal from his hands.
  • Rudy Giuliani and his famous balloon act. With an uncanny ability to produce incredible amounts of hot air, he will blow up giant balloons, twist them to form the numbers 9/11, and tell how he saved New York. One word of caution. If you are seated in the first five rows, wear rain gear as he has a tendency to spit through his teeth.
  • Gov. Mike Huckabee’s juggling act. This incredible act features the Reverend Huck folding gay marriage licenses into figures of Jesus while keeping thirty gay pizzas spinning in the air. His act ends with everything crashing down, just like his presidential campaign.
  • Sen. Joni Ernst and her famous pig act. “Ball Buster” Joni as she is billed will cut the testicles off ten hogs while sewing bread bags into size ten shoes. As a treat for her audience, she ends the act by serving biscuits to everyone.
  • Gov. Scott Walker and the Koch brothers. This is simply a puppet act.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz, one of our two freak shows, features Ted covered in a full body paisley tattoo pleasuring himself to a Dr. Seuss story. Sorry, but this one is for adults only.
  • Sen. Mitch McConnell, the second freak, is the incredible turtle man. Half man and half turtle, this act really doesn’t do anything. He mainly just stays in his shell, occasionally sticking out his head when he hears President Obama talking.

So enjoy the circus, Cleveland, and remember to get your tickets early. They are selling out faster than  a GOP senator. Remember, prohibited items include air rifles, paint ball guns, blasting caps, switch blades. knives with a blade longer than two and a half inches, billy clubs, swords, hatchets, axes, sling shots, BB or pellet guns, metal knuckles, nun chucks, mace, pepper spray, shovels, fireworks, rockets, sound application equipment, drones, aerosol cans, umbrellas with metal tips, water guns, water cannons, rope, chains, cables, wire longer than six feet, glass bottles, ornaments, light bulbs, padlocks, gas masks, tents, sleeping bags, mattresses, stoves, coolers, ice chests, lasers, non-plastic containers, bottles, cans, hammers, crowbars. canned goods, and finally tennis balls. But fell free to bring your assault rifle, because Ohio is proudly an open carry state.

***NO ANIMALS WERE HURT IN WRITING THIS BLOG***

 MPAA_NC-17

 

 

 

 

3921

For the past few weeks, the Clown Car was down for emergency repairs.  In preparation for Episode 392 of The Tim Corrimal Show we inspected the breaks, the lights, the tires, and downloaded the diagnostics to our computer to see what kind of driving the GOP has been inflicting on the vehicle.  The Clown Car, as you know, is a very special vehicle, designed for very erratic drivers.  They pretty much aim the car in random directions and drive it into things.  Let’s see what the Clown Car computer diagnostics told us about what has been happening while we were away.

Apparently the Clown Car was driven down a dead end road called Benghazi Street.  Ever since the attacks on the embassy there, the GOP repeatedly drove up and down looking in every trash can and dumpster for garbage they could use to smear all over Hilary Clinton’s house.  All they managed to do was to shred the tires when they backed into a corner and tried to get out by relentlessly spinning their wheels. When they finally got free, they decided to leave Benghazi Street but on the way out passed Hilary’s house one more time. That’s when they got the idea of setting a bag of shit on fire and putting in her mailbox.

The mailbox idea must have backfired, because the diagnostics show that the GOP drivers made a 911 call with the on-board Bluetooth.  They notified the  Department of Justice and claimed that Hilary set the fire herself.  She was a secret agent, they claimed, trying to burn the evidence of her treachery that was in her mail. The FBI showed up, and after they spoke with Mrs. Clinton, tried to leave only to find the driveway blocked by the Clown Car. The occupants demanded to know what she said.  When the FBI told them there was no evidence to support their claim, they repeatedly rammed the FBI vehicle. The result was a large dent in the Clown Car’s doors, as the FBI vehicle smashed into it as it left the scene.  They continued to threaten the FBI and Hilary with more burning shit bags, but all they really did was  wreck the car.

When we were cleaning the interior, we found evidence of what must have been an enormous struggle. It looked like the occupants of the Clown Car tried repeatedly to eject someone from the vehicle while it was moving. The scary thing is that it appears they were trying to eject the driver. The on-board dash-cam was kind of grainy, but it appears that the driver was a blonde-haired, orange-skinned man who, at some point, hijacked the Clown Car. He must have been very sick because he seemed to vomit all over them and the car’s interior. The struggle must have ended near the Quicken Arena in Cleveland where we found the car abandoned. Witnesses say they say they saw the occupants fleeing the scene while the orange driver laughed at them and then took hostages into the arena.

The weirdest thing we found was a trunk full of lawn signs in the shape of the Star of David.  I don’t know what they were going to do with them, but there was a note with them that read “Say it’s a sheriff’s badge”.

The good news is that it is now completely restored and ready for the GOP convention, except for the alignment, which for some odd reason keeps pulling the car to the right. We did consider installing an auto-pilot system to avoid future injury to the occupants, but we thought it would be more fun to just let the ludicrous tangerine ballbag drive it wherever he want. Who knows, he may run into a really big wall!