This week on Episode 395 of the Tim Corrimal Show, as history was being made at the Democratic National Convention, disturbing revelations of Russian interference in our national elections surfaced and in the middle of the messy story was a huge ball of orange hair. When asked about it, he weapons-grade plumb denied any involvement then asked his friends at the Kremlin to hack into government computers to dig up dirt on Hillary Clinton. This set off a firestorm of questioning to which The Steaming Pile of Orange Dung told an female NBC reporter to “Shut up!”. But the investigative reporters in the Clown Car garage did some hacking of our own and what we found was shocking. We uncovered disturbing links between the Russians and The Evil Cheeto and they explain a lot about some of his political tactics. Here are some highlights as reported by our whistleblowers at ClownLeaks:
- Trump keeps an extra pair of underwear and a toothbrush at Putin’s apartment.
- Putin has been seen leaving the Kremlin with orange residue on his fingers.
- Every time Trump says “Believe me” it is a coded message to Putin meaning”I love you”
- The code name given to Trump by Russian security forces is “Tiny Orange Hands”
- On one trip to Russia, Donald Trump visited a Moscow tattoo parlor and had “Glad To Be Vlad’s” placed on his ass.
- Kremlin doctors have repeatedly treated Trump for what they described as “shrinkage”.
- Vladimir Putin often meets with Trump disguised as Scott Baio.
- Donald’s hairpiece was made from Putin’s chest hair.
- Putin’s favorite pet name for Donald is “Cheetos Butt”.
- Due to his bladder condition, Putin often teases Trump as “Wikileaks”.
- Trump is often smuggled into the Kremlin as a large tangerine ballbag.
- Putin’s named his horse “John Barron”
- Trump’s Kremlin email account is email@example.com
Besides these examples, it was discovered that Trump has been given extensive access to Kremlin office equipment and used Putin’s private copy machine to prepare Melania’s convention address. In addition, large shipments of cash have flowed from the Trump campaign to the Kremlin in crates marked “Trump Steaks”. Also, members of the Russian Federal Assembly have been intimidated and coerced into signing up for Trump University and forced to pay with their own credit cards.
Folks, the menace is real and it must be stopped now. We here at ClownLeaks are working diligently to release to you the very latest in the ongoing conspiracy to turn our country into the United States of Russia. So be wary and be sure to vote for Hillary Clinton on November 8. If you don’t, the next time someone flips your state to red, you may be speaking Russian.