Archive for the ‘New Post’ Category

For generations, couples have looked to the wisdom and knowledge of Dr. Benjamin Spock to guide them through the trials and tribulations of parenting. His many books and essays on child rearing have proven an invaluable guide to one of life’s unimaginable challenges. But what Dr. Spock never imagined was that someday, a seventy-two-year-old baby would one day live in the White House and make the life of one couple almost unbearable. So just in time for Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and inspired by the legendary Dr. Spock’s books and essays comes “The First Two Years, The Emotional and Physical Needs of Infantile Presidents from Election to Impeachment.”

In the Clown Car’s “First Two Years”, our experts cover some of the most pressing and frustrating situations Nancy and Chuck are facing trying to handle a two-year-old seventy-two-year-old. We cover such topics as:

  • Understanding your baby’s different cries: Yes, believe it or not, when a baby president is in distress, different cries mean different things. For example, when a baby POTUS yells “No Collusion”, that means that he just wet his pants when he heard the name, Robert Mueller. Our best advice is to keep baby POTUS dry by changing his depends often and limiting the amount of Fox News he consumes before bedtime.
  • Helping your little one cope with separation anxiety: Being baby POTUS means sometimes you have to be alone all day in the big Oval Playpen. And being a prick of a husband means you have to spend your nights alone in your bedroom. This can lead to many bad behaviors like sucking his thumbs or using them to tweet insults in the middle of the night. To avoid separation anxiety, we suggest a comforting toy, like a porn star or a Russian hooker. If all else fails, the smell of Kentucky Fried Chicken will often calm the fat little shit.
  • Communicating with your baby: As Chuck and Nancy have experienced, baby POTUS does not like reading or really big words with more than two syllables. To avoid tantrums and unnecessary stress, communicate with baby using simple words like “bigly” or “huge.” And if you are using visual cues, keep them short and use a lot of pictures. Images of Little Rocket Man and Vladimir Putin will always get your baby POTUS to pay attention and learn important things like how to read a subpoena.
  • Teaching your child about giving and sharing: This may be the most important developmental skill a baby POTUS must learn. Don’t let your POTUS build walls between him and others with non-orange skin. As Chuck and Nancy have learned, baby POTUS wants the world all to himself and building walls is the first sign that your kid is on the path to psychosis. He may, for example, start to believe in imaginary creatures like Mike Pence. The best way to handle these situations is to do what Nancy does, and slap him down with a firm “NO WALL!”
  • An easy way to toilet-train: Baby POTUS learn by observing adult behavior, so when toilet training, first show him that bodily functions are normal. Start by peeing on his bed to show him how unsanitary that is. The danger here is that he might like it. Also, make sure that he learns how to use toilet paper so it does not stick to his shoe.

These are just a few of the many topics we cover in “The First Two Years, The Emotional and Physical Needs of Infantile Presidents from Election to Impeachment.”  And if you find that after reading this handy guidebook your baby POTUS is still out of control, may we suggest our next publication coming out soon: “The Mueller Report”.

While 2018 was a very trying year for Bob Mueller, the news media, and people who believe that the world is not flat, 2019 promises to be a blockbuster. Will the Pee-Pee Tape finally show up? will Donald Trump’s hairpiece resign in protest? Will we finally build a wall…around the White House? Well, the Clown Car Update, in anticipation of a long year full of surprises, will try to take some of the suspense with our predictions for 2019!

  • Mushroom Growers of America, an agriculture group representing most of the mushroom farmers in the United States, will sue the Trump Administration for a ninety percent drop in prices after their product was used in describing his penis. 
  • It will be revealed that the Secret Service code name for Trump is “Uranus”.
  • During a live interview on CNN, Rudy Giuliani’s eyes will bulge and one of them will fall out into Don Lemon’s coffee mug.
  • After Jared Kushner is indicted by Bob Mueller, Donald Trump will claim that he has only a very brief and tiny roll in Ivanka’s marriage.
  • Donald Trump will appear in an ad for Scott Non-Stick Bathroom Tissue.
  • L.L. Bean will introduce a new line of permanently open, disposable umbrellas named “Trumpbumpers”.
  • Donald Trump’s personal barber will plead guilty to a massive cover-up.
  • Ivanka Trump will introduce a new line of clothing for women prisoners called “Orange is the New Trump”.
  • To commemorate Trump’s indictment, Kentucky Fried Chicken will introduce a new recipe in its fried chicken line called “Extra Guilty”.
  • In a shocking revelation, the Pee-Pee Tape will finally surface showing Mike Pence pissing on Donald Trump.
  • Ex-congressman Trey Gowdy will be arrested when he is caught breaking the windows of the Clinton’s home with old subpoenas.
  • In a re-branding effort, the Republican Party will change its name from the “GOP” to the “Gee We Never Knew!”
  • Mitch McConnell will be rushed to Walter Reed Hospital after his chin spontaneously swallows his face.
  • Lindsey Graham will introduce a new men’s fragrance called “Clutching Pearls”.
  • It will be revealed that Roger Stone combs his hair with a pencil sharpener.
  • At Donald Trump’s sentencing hearing, Hillary Clinton will break three ribs laughing when the judge declares “Lock him up!”

And to close out the year, and just for Christmas 2019, President Pelosi will finally be able to declare the United States a “Trump Free Zone!”

How Pelosi Stole (Trump’s) Christmas

Every Trumper in Trumpville liked walls a lot
But Pelosi, who lived just left of Trumpville did not!
Pelosi hated Trumper, and all of his treason
Now, please don’t ask why,
The FBI knows the reason

It could be Pelosi knew Trump was an ass
It could be she just couldn’t let treason pass
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that Trump’s manhood was
Two sizes too small

But, whatever the reason, his ass or his junk
Pelosi just sat there just hating this lunk.
Staring out from the couch at this big orange boar
And his pale white VP looking down at the floor
For she knew that the Trumpers who were gathered around
Were busy now spinning the lies of this clown

“And they’re spinning his lies!” she snarled with a sneer
“They think that for Christmas his wall will be here!”
Then she said to the Trump with a smile very cunning
“We can find some way to stop all your funding!”

For Pelosi, she knew all the Trump girls and boys
Were used to demanding their money and toys
Or they’d screech and they’d scream and make terrible noise!
All the noise, all the noise, all the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

And the Trump, fat and sloppy would sit down and eat
‘til the cheeks of his ass would droop down to his feet
And he’d eat and he’d eat and he’d eat, eat, eat, eat!

Trump would feast on fried chicken,
‘til his cheeks swelled like yeast
Which was something Pelosi
couldn’t stand in the least!

And then there was something
she liked least of all
Every Trump in the West Wing
Would slither and crawl
And clump close together
And lie to us all
They’d lie! And they’d lie!
And they’d Lie! Lie! Lie! Lie!
The more Nancy heard these Cuckoo birds sing
The more Nancy thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why for twenty four months I’ve put up with this now
“I must stop Trump’s Christmas from coming
…But HOW?

Then she got an idea, a terrific idea
The Speaker got a wonderful, brilliant idea!
“I know just what to do!”, she said to herself
And she pulled her old gavel down from the shelf

“All I need is an Uber…”
Nancy looked around
But here Ubers are scarce,
there are none to be found
So instead she called Chuck
And said “Chuck, pick me up!”
“We’re going to fix that fat orange fuck!”

Down to the White House
Their car rambled fast
To the home where the Trumper
Lay on his fat ass.

So they entered the house
With some bags in their hands
And searched all the rooms
For Trump’s evil plans

Around the whole room they
found every plan
His wall, all the blueprints,
ICE agents, and scams
Trump University, Trump steaks and Trump wine
Cover-ups, bribes, money laundering crimes

They stuffed all the bags, Chuck and Nancy,
Very nimbly
Then stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney

Then they went to the ice box
And took all of his snacks
All his McMuffins, all his Big Macs
The Kentucky Fried Chicken,
the iced donuts too
All the Trump cakes all the Trump pies
All the Trump pudding, all the French fries

As she stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee
“AND NOW!” Nancy grinned “We will take the VP!”

As Nancy grabbed the VP and started to leave
She felt a small tug on her overcoat sleeve
She turned around fast and saw a small Trump
Little Eric-Lou Trump, who was dumb as a stump.

He stared at Pelosi and said, Nancy, why?”
“Why are you taking Mike Pence? WHY?”
But you know Nancy that Speaker is so smart
And so slick
That she thought up a theory
And she thought it up quick

“Why, my little dumb snot,” Nancy said to the lad
“All the lights have gone out on one side of his head!”
“So I’m taking him home for Obamacare there,”
“Then I’ll give him a brain and some real human hair!”

And the fib fooled the child. Then she patted his head
And gave him a whiskey and sent him to bed
And when Eric-Lou Trump went to bed with his cup
Nancy went to the chimney and stuffed Mike Pence up!

It was quarter past dawn…
All the Trumps were still sleeping
Except for Big Donald, who was constantly Tweeting
Chuck and Nancy pulled out back to Capitol Hill
And to add to the insult, they left Trump a bill!

As they unpacked the car with Trump’s plans and schemes
Nancy opened a window to hear Trumper’s screams
“Up Yours, to the Trumps” Nancy was Humming.
“He’s finding out now there’s no Christmas wall coming!

“Trump’s waking up now, I know he’ll be bitter!
He’ll pick up his phone and go right to Twitter!
That’s a sight I simply must see!”
And Nancy ran to her desk and turned on her PC.

And she did see the tweets and he was mad as hell
They were angry and mean and mostly misspelled!
Trump tweeted his rage

And as she stared down on Trumpville
Nancy popped her eyes
Then she shook
What she saw was a shocking surprise!

Every GOP member,
the near and the far
Were abandoning ship
like the rats that they are

“Why,” Nancy said talking to Chuck
“They are talking impeachment,
I think we’re in luck!”

“It came without trying, no effort at all
It came without Graham, McConnell, or Paul!”
It came without Goodlatte, Ryan, or Brat
It came from Bob Mueller, and it fell with a splat!

And what happened then…?
Well…in Trumpville they say
That Trump’s tiny manhood
Shrunk ten sizes that day!

Then Nancy thought of something she
Hadn’t before!
“Maybe the American people
aren’t fooled anymore!”
“Maybe Trumpism…perhaps…was a
Large oozing sore!”

Then she saw on her TV,
a beautiful vision
As four US Marshalls took Trump to prison
Then she laughed to herself and shot Chuck a glance
“Hey, look at that dark spot, Don just wet his pants!”

‘Twas the night before Christmas and in the White House
Just one creature was stirring, a big orange louse.
Steven Miller was nestled all safe in his bed
While visions of ICE agents danced in his head

And Don with a donut so sticky and sweet
Just picked up his smartphone and started to tweet
When down in the West Wing there arose such a clatter
He jumped on his bone spurs to see what was the matter

Away to the Oval, he waddled his mass
Slipped on a Big Mac and fell on his ass
The glow of his skin which was bright as the moon
Gave a luster of pumpkins to things in the room

When he saw, not a thief or common-born looters
But a limousine filled with eight prosecutors
With a driver so focused, it made Donnie shutter
For he knew in a moment it must be Bob Mueller

More relentless than hurricanes, the charges they flew
And he shouted them all so that everyone knew:
“Now, Collusion, now Obstruction, Money laundering too,
Deflections and lies, oh, and WikiLeaks too!

Away with this grifter and his Mexican Wall
He’s going to jail with his family and all!”
As subpoenas are issued before the plea bargains fly
When they meet with a target and he starts to cry
So, up to the White House, the limousine drew
With a trunk full of charges and Bob Mueller too.

And then in a twinkling, he heard like a roar
The knocking and banging on Donald’s front door
As Don rose to his feet and was turning around
Up Bob Mueller sprang with a bound

He was dressed in a suit with a nice bright red tie
And a look on his face that just knew if you lied
A large leather briefcase he held like a lance
And it made Don so frightened he soiled his pants

His eyes how they pierced you!
His teeth how they clinched
His look was so stern that it made Donnie wince.
And his mouth was curled upside down in a frown
As he stared at this fat, grifting blob of a clown

A big stack of warrants he held tight in his teeth
As his prosecutors encircled their boss like a wreath
He had a very stern face, and he looked very svelt
Unlike fat Donnie’s size fifty-four belt

He looked fit and trim as he presented himself
And Donnie pissed in his pants in spite of himself
But a squint of his eyes and a shake of his head
Let Donnie know he was deader than dead

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
And issued the warrants then turned on the jerk
And clamping some handcuffs on fat Donnie’s wrist
He warned the fat grifter that he shouldn’t resist

Then he sprang to his limo, to his team gave a wail
And away they all drove taking Donnie to jail
We heard Mueller tell Donnie as he drove through the gate
You’ll spend Christmas in prison ‘til you turn ninety-eight!


Early Wednesday morning, after suffering a scorching rebuke by the American people in the Mid-Term elections, Donald J. Trump’s ego was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center with crushing injuries. Apparently, The Ego was so crushed that it took several aides to keep it alive long enough for emergency medical technicians to get it on life support.

The emergency call from the White House came in the early morning hours of Wednesday and was kept confidential so that the public would not become aware of the severity of The Ego’s injury. However, the investigative reporters at the Clown Car Update have uncovered the chilling story of what transpired as the president’s ego shut down. According to sources in the White House who spoke with us on condition of anonymity because they have just distributed their new job search resumes, Trump’s ego began to show signs of illness about eleven in the evening when networks announced that the Democrats had flipped the House of Representatives and that Nancy Pelosi would become speaker. However, staffers became really concerned when Trump’s ego developed an irregular heartbeat after it was announced that two of the new Democrats elected Tuesday night, Rashida Tlaib in Michigan’s 13th and Ilhan Omar in Minnesota’s 5th, were Muslims.

White House medical personnel were able to stabilize Trump’s ego for a time early Wednesday morning. However, when it was announced that two other Democrats who won, Sharice Davids in Kansas and Debra Haaland in New Mexico, were Native American, his ego’s breathing became irregular. Ultimately, emergency services had to be called when The Ego stopped breathing after MSNBC announced that Ms. Davids was also gay. “I haven’t seen his ego so crushed since Stormy Daniel’s description of his penis went public,” one staffer told us, “it was scary!”

Doctors at Walter Reed were unable to give the Clown Car Update details of The Ego’s condition, other than to say that in situations similar to this, it may take months to recover. In the meantime, we have learned that surgeons were able to give Mr. Trump a temporary ego so he could continue his duties as president. “We warned him that temporary egos may be fragile, so he probably shouldn’t hold any press conferences for a while,” one doctor told us off the record. Then he chuckled, “you know, like his penis, these things have a tendency to mushroom!”



By now we have all seen the news clips of Trump climbing the stairs to Air Force One with an umbrella, only to be totally confused as to what to do with it when he got to the door. What do you do? Well, take it from President Trump, rain shower or golden shower, you never want to be caught unprepared. So you look at the local weather forecast and if it looks like rain, you grab an umbrella. But umbrellas can be very confusing. First, you have to unwrap that little Velcro tape. Then, you have to find that thingy that opens, and finally, you have to push it all the way up until it latches. There is so much that can go wrong and you don’t want to struggle with a complex piece of technology when you are getting wet or peed on. And then, what do you do with it what you don’t need it anymore? You are stuck at the door on Air Force One and now what? That’s why our researchers at the Clown Car Update have developed the simple solution to all your rainy or pissy days. So today, we are Introducing the Trump Brand “Disposable Umbrella for Humans” or the DUH!

With the DUH, you never have to struggle again with the messy mechanisms of modern umbrellas because they are permanently open and are totally disposable. No complicated opening and closing, you just grab it, use it, and leave it. As our president says, “wow, umbrellas used to be really complicated. Who knew. But with the Disposable Umbrella for Humans, I just walk up the stairs to Air Force One and leave it there, just like it was one of my wives!” And DUH’s come in a variety of colors from off-white to bright white, just like Republicans. So you never have to worry about your wardrobe choices because as any Republican will tell you, white goes with everything! And as an added bonus, our umbrellas come with an optional pointed top so you not only stay dry but also can also defend yourself from the caravan advancing from Mexico.

So call now and order the Trump “Disposable Umbrella for Humans.” Our troops are waiting at the southern border to take your order since they have nothing else to do anyway. And if you call in the next thirty minutes, we will include a can of our Shiny Lacquer Hair Spray absolutely free for those windy days when you are just having a bad hair day. And while you are on the phone with one of our friendly agents, ask to sign up for our newsletter. You can be first to hear of our newest offers, like the soon to be released non-stick toilet paper. It avoids the endless news clips of you walking up the stairs with the remains of your last pitstop stuck to your shoe. So order the Trump Disposable Umbrella for Humans today and the next time you are wondering what to do with that umbrella, just say what our president says: DUH!





This week the New York Times reported that despite repeated warnings from his staff, he continues to use an unsecured cell phone to call friends to gossip, complain, or check how he is doing. (By the way, the answer is not good). The result is that the Chinese and Russians have been easily eavesdropping on his conversations and using that information to their advantage. For example, on his recent trip to Singapore, Kim Jong Un had Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets delivered to Trump’s hotel room every day. Also, just in case Trump got frisky Kim provided extra small condoms. But after some deep investigative reporting, the Clown Car Update has obtained a transcript of some of the things Trump has said while on his unsecured phone. So here are the top ten things overheard on Trump’s unsecured cell phone:

10. No, no. Original recipe. Extra crispy reminds me of Wilbur Ross!

9.   Hello. I am calling about your penis enhancement cream. Does it come in orange?

8.   I don’t care what Kim told you, Vlad, it was only a hug. I never touched his ass!

7.   Hello. Capitol Dry Cleaners? Do you remove pee-pee stains?

6.   John, bring in my EX-Lax. I’m full of shit.

5.   I would like to order five-hundred pizzas with pepperoni. My name? Biden. Joe Biden.

4.   Yes, failing New York Times? This is John Barron. What Stormy Daniels didn’t tell you is there was shrinkage!

3.   Hello Rudy? We’re suing. Jeff Bezos just put the pee tape on Amazon Streaming.

2.   That’s right, it’s a hostage situation. Yes, a swat team to the office of Nancy Pelosi.

1.    Eric? Eric who?

And this is only the tip of the iceberg. According to staffers who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity the president is also using an unsecured toilet. I guess you may say we are in for a few more leaks!


This week, Elizabeth Warren released the results of a DNA test that showed once and for all that she indeed has Native American ancestors. However, that did not stop the Orangutan-in-Chief from continuing his mocking of her heritage. Which started us here at the Clown Car thinking: Remember Donald’s reputation from the early 70s to the present day as being, shall we say, a slutty creep? And given his propensity for unprotected sex, the question that comes to mind is: How many little Donald’s or Donaldettes might be wandering the streets today, being obnoxious and drooling on themselves. Why it may even be YOU! So as a public service, the Clown Car Update is proud to offer at no cost to you, a free service called “45andMe” a DNA (Donald’s Not my Ancestor) testing service.

First, there were the stories your mother told you about the orange-skinned man with hair like a skunk who groped her at Studio 54 in the 80s. Then came the sleepless nights wondering, “Is Donald Trump my real father?”  And admit it, you have spent endless hours staring in the mirror looking for the faintest hint of orange pigment. Well at “45andMe” we take out all the guesswork. How do we do it? Well, we have scoured the urinals in the men’s rooms of the most famous clubs of the 70s, 80s, and 90s. Then we entered the information into our database.  All you have to do is pee on a bedsheet and send it to us in a discreet, moisture-proof bag and we do the rest. We will match your sample to Trumps’ DNA samples kept discreetly deep in the basement of the Kremlin. Then we post the results to your account and hopefully deliver the good news that you are not the spawn of Donald Trump.

But what if you ARE the rotting fruit of his mushroom-shaped loins? Disaster? No, because your “45andMe” results will tell you if you are a carrier for any of the following mutations:

  • Tiny Penis Syndrome
  • Fat Donnie Belly Flap
  • Kentucky Fried Chicken Breath
  • Enlarged Ass Syndrome
  • Russian Hooker Worm
  • Mushroom Penis Syndrome
  • Half-brother to Eric

So send for your free testing kit today and get the guesswork out of your life. Our labs are fully equipped and run by professionals like former Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price and meet the strict standards of the EPA with a “mostly clean” rating. So, whether you are Fat Donnie’s spawn or not, we will provide you the answers that will let you know where your life is heading. Get your kit and send it to us and as Donald Trump always says, “We’ll see what happens!”





The Life and Times of Brett Gump

(as told by Brett Gump at his Senate hearing)

Hello. My name is Brett Gump. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me beer. I grew up in rural Maryland and I lived in a nice house with my mom and dad, who kept a calendar that I will get to later. But that’s not the reason I am here today. I am here today to shout and cry about what a good boy I’ve been all my life, which was very hard but very interesting.

First, I love sports, especially running. I run fast, especially from my past. Not that my past was bad, because I knew interesting people. There was Squee, Biff, PJ, and my best friend, Bubba. Oh, and Elvis Presley. Yes, he liked to sing and I taught him how to play the guitar. I know that sounds like a lie, but you can’t prove it because he’s dead and the FBI has no way of investigating that. Like I was saying, I loved sports. I loved my friends, especially Bubba, and we all loved and respected girls, especially the one I mentioned in my yearbook, which was definitely not a sexual reference because I didn’t even know what sex was until after Yale Law School when I first met Ken Starr and Alex Kosinski. We called it the  “Devil’s Triangle!”

Back in high school, I loved to lift weights and run, especially with Bubba when we ran to pick up a keg. After a workout, sometimes we would meet at PJ’s house for skis. That’s short for “brewskis.” “Brewskis” is a funny word for beer. I liked beer, I still like beer. Do you like beer? Beer is the fruit of the keg. Anyway, like I was saying, Bubba would always tell us all the ways to drink beer. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, beer-kabobs, beer creole, beer gumbo. Pan fried beer, deep-fried beer, stir-fried beer. There’s pineapple beer, lemon beer, coconut beer, pepper beer, beer soup, beer stew, beer salad, beer and potatoes, beer burger, beer sandwich. Oh, and you can “boof” it. That- that’s about it.

I remember these things because I always kept a calendar, just like my father. Like my father always said, “life is like a calendar, you never know what you’re gonna get!” I never knew what that meant because you did know because the calendar has the number of the days on it. But I kept one anyway to remember all the things we did, except assaulting girls, which we never did because we respected them and again, I never knew about sex until Ken Starr. That’s how I know that all the women accusing me of assault are lying because if it was true, it would be on my calendar, which it is not.

I worked my butt off to get into Yale. I got in on my own because I never knew anyone there, except my grandfather but he is dead so the FBI can’t interview him.  I never met any girls at Yale. I was too busy playing sports, going to church, and doing my projects. One of my favorite projects was hanging pictures of Donald Trump the real estate tycoon on my dorm room wall. I always admired Donald Trump. Also his name rimes with Gump which is kinda nice.

Anyway, I guess because I got my law degree from Yale without ever having sex, I finally met President Trump who gave me a Supreme Court nomination, which is why I am here today. Also here today is my wife and my two lovely daughters who I have no idea where they came from because my wife and I never had sex. In closing, that is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing that the FBI will be allowed to investigate. Thank you!






Panic attacks. We all have them. Sometimes they are triggered by small events, like running late for an appointment or being laughed at by the General Assembly of the United Nations. But sometimes a panic attack can really upset your life, like when it looks like your Supreme Court nominee just had a nervous breakdown on live television. For those moments when you need something really effective to pull you out of your funk, the Clown Car Update introduces Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls.

Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls are made of the finest industrial all American tariff protected U.S. stainless steel that delivers strong,  safe and dependable pearl-clutching each and every time. Just drape these attractive pearls around your neck the next time you think you will have a hissy-fit during a network interview or a melt-down during a Senate confirmation hearing. Instead of wearing those bulky depends for when you lose your shit like Orrin Hatch, just clutch your pearls and let the world know that you’re just OK with putting a sexual predator on the Supreme Court. And for those times that the anger gets really hot, our Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls come in EPA approved asbestos.

And don’t take our word for it, just listen to our spokesperson, Senator Lindsay Graham about the benefits of wearing his clutching pearls:

Whenever someone would mention avoiding a war or that President Trump might not let me kiss his ass at the golf club that weeken d, I would hyperventilate until my BFF John McCain had to rock me to sleep. But now, with my patented Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls, I feel confident that President Trump loves me and that wars will last forever!

Just listen to these real-life Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearl users:

The fact that I am a sexual predator and an evil white entitled bastard was about to sink my Supreme Court nomination. Then I got a set of Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls and I was able to scream, yell, and cry my way onto the court. Thanks Lindsay! – Brett Kavenaugh

All I wanted was to be a cranky old republican and be able to let out gas whenever I wanted without the women on my committee acting like I did something horrable. But with Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls, I just grab on and tell those bitches to get off my lawn! – Chuck Grassley

So order Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls right now at the low, low price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling. And if you order in the next thirty minutes, we will include our free self-help pamphlet “How to Scream and Cry Your Way On To the Supreme Court”, a one-hundred dollar value absolutely free.

Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls, for those times you just want to say, “Fuck you, America, I’m white, I’m male, and I just want my way!”