Archive for the ‘New Post’ Category

Here is a speech by the president of the United States to the American people. It addresses a long war of which most Americans had grown weary. The president, who was a long time critic of the war, was now in the Oval Office. He now had a different view. So he came up with a secret plan to win the war where his two predecessors failed. The plan, he said, was secret and the details would not be revealed, but we were to trust him and his generals that he would get us an honorable win. No, it was not last night. No, the war was not in Afghanistan. No, it was not President Trump. No, it was not August 21, 2017. It was November 3, 1969, and it was President Richard M. Nixon presenting his “secret plan” to bring peace with honor.

Now, if you are my age, you know how that all worked out. If you are too young to have lived through those times, read your history books. Some suggestions would be The Best and the Brightest” by David Halberstam and “The Pentagon Papers”.  After you have digested the contents of these two books, ask yourself, “what has changed?” The answer I believe you will find is “NOTHING!” The government lied to us then, and they are lying to us now. The President then and now were corrupt grifters who sold the American people a dystopic vision of America that they claimed only they could fix. And the generals around them made a career of making war and deceiving the American people that they could win a war they knew was already hopelessly lost. Like the French before us, we failed in Vietnam because we trusted generals whose only plan was to wage war and we trusted politicians whose only plan was to perpetuate their power. Welcome to Trump, Afghanistan, and 2017!

On April 30, 1975, the war in Vietnam came to an end with the last of our people having to be rescued from the roof of our embassy as the North Vietnam Army poured into Saigon. After twenty years, there were over one trillion dollars spent, over 58,000 American troops and 1.4 million South Vietnamese killed. And for what? To have the same result we wasted all that blood and treasure to avoid. Sound familiar?

Afghanistan has been labeled “The Graveyard of Empires.” From the losses of Alexander the Great, the Anglo-Afghan Wars of the 19th and 20th Centuries, and the Soviet Unions incursions in the 1980s, Afghanistan has proven a place where great powers go to die. It is the same today. Our president and our generals are lying to us and, worse, asking us to blind ourselves to history. What they are not telling you is what they really know: We will never win in Afghanistan and whenever the day comes that we do leave, the result will be exactly what they said we could avoid. We will lose Afghanistan to the Taliban as we lost South Vietnam to the NVA. They all lied to us in the 1960s, and they are lying to us now.

 

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Anthropologists and Civil War historians were thrilled this week to discover a long lost artifact of the Confederacy that they never knew existed. The discovery was made even more remarkable in that it was unearthed in New York City. Among a group of ordinary elevator-passengers was discovered a relic of the 19th Century, an orange tinged racist politician. What made the find even more remarkable was that it was still talking. “It was saying the vilest, hateful things I have ever heard,” one worker said, “It was like the Civil War never ended.” Another worker who was being treated for exposure to the racist language said “It was just horrifying! It literally took my breath away.”

“This discovery is absolutely remarkable,” one Civil War expert told us. “To see a living, breathing southern racist from the 19th Century alive and speaking in our midst is simply amazing.” Other historians and Civil War buffs were excited by the discovery and the possibility that there could be more like him on the same elevator. “I’ll bet there are a lot of 19th Century racists around here, and we probably don’t have to look too far to find them,” Dan Winthrop, a Civil War re-enactor predicted. “I never thought people like him still existed in 2017”, he declared.

Gene Helm, a forensic anthropologist said that the specimen was not very well preserved and exhibited signs of a very bad diet of junk food and ice cream. “It was extremely bloated and had an odd fungus growing on the top of his head. It looks like a two scoop a day habit.” She was somewhat perplexed by the orange color of the skin. “Either someone pissed on his grave or on him when he was still alive.” After the unearthing in Trump Tower, thousands of racists revealed themselves from under rocks and caves where no one ever wanted to look. “We have a leader now,” one white supremacist declared while holding a Tiki torch he had just purchased from Home Depot, “and he’s got a full set of teeth to boot!”

Chris Cantwell, a.k.a. The Weeping Nazi was overwhelmed with emotion. “I just can’t stop crying, but these are tears of joy! Now that we have a real 19th Century racist on our side, maybe I can get back on OkCupid. Just call 631-791-5842 and ask for the ‘Grim Weeper’.”

But not everyone was thrilled with the discovery. Mary Scott, a restaurant owner in Bowling Green and a survivor of that infamous massacre, told us, “We thought people like that were extinct. I hope there aren’t too many left.”  And the discovery of what is being called “The Lost Racist” prompted a fierce reaction from Senators and Congressmen alike. “This revelation in Trump Tower is absolutely unacceptable,” said, one Republican senator who wanted his remarks to remain off the record. “But one thing is certain,” he continued, “that artifact must be removed from the Oval Office!” And The Clown Car couldn’t agree more!

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The crisis with North Korea heated up this morning with new threats being exchanges between Washington and Pyongyang. In a series of manic tweets, Donald Trump warned that if Kim Jong-un continues to threaten the United States, it will result in a pissing contest “the likes of which the world has never seen before.” Tweeting in the pre-dawn morning Sunday, Trump said, “I mean this will be a literal pissing contest. I will personally go to North Korea and piss all over their puny nuclear warhead. And believe me, I am able to to that because I assure you there is no problem down there, no matter what Little Kim or Little Marco said about me!”

Kim was quick to fire back tweeting, “He’s always calling me Little Kim, but for a man over six feet tall, he must have the penis of a. Just look at those tiny hands. And you know what they say about a man with tiny hands?” Trump responded with another tweet. “Little Kim best not keep saying I have a little penis or he will feel its fire and fury!” to which Kim quickly replied, “Sounds like a urinary tract infection. If I were him, I would get that looked at. That’s if they could locate his tiny penis.” Kim added, “We consider his penis no more than a lump which we can beat to a jelly any time.”

That last remark seemed to set Trump off and he ordered Gen. Mattis to prepare for a major global pissing contest. “I will piss on Kim like a Russian hooker,” Trump tweeted, “and it won’t be pretty, believe me! My dick is locked and loaded!” For his part, Secretary Mattis and cautioned the president against threats that would cause a miscalculation. “This could get very messy quickly. He may try to piss on Kim and end up pissing all over the people in Seoul. Anyone who has seen his bathroom floor knows his aim is not very good. And he always leaves the seat up,” Mattis said.

Reaction across the country and the world was mixed. Critics of the president denounced the idea of public urination. One mother told us, “For parents with bedwetters, this is a disaster.” But supporters had a different view. Anthony Scaranucci, Trump’s former communication’s chief said, “I love the president. I love when he pisses on people. As the Mooch always says, ‘better pissed off than pissed on.” But for the people of Guam, there was this dire warning: “If the piss starts to fly, do not look up as it will blind you. Also, do not use conditioner on your hair as it will bind urine to your hair.”

As for who would win a pissing contest between Trump and Kim, it seems some people have no doubt. Five Russian hookers in a joint statement issued this warning to the North Korean leader: “Don’t bet against Donald Trump in a pissing contest. Take it from us, this guy could take a soaking!”

 

 

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This week on Episode 437 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we discussed the newly leaked transcripts of the phone conversation between Donnie and real world leaders. But in a Clown Car exclusive, we have obtained a transcript of a phone call that was never reported between Trump and one of his favorite contractors.

But first, a story that has touched the hearts of all Americans. Last week it was revealed that our heroic United States Secret Service was evicted from Trump Tower when Donald Trump turned a tiny thumbs-down on a new lease forcing the brave agents to relocate to the street below. Braving the summer swelter and choking on exhaust fumes, these brave men and women honored their mission to protect their penis challenged orange client by working out of a hot dog cart in front of Trump Tower. Now, they need your help.  If you are in the vicinity of Trump Tower, please go and buy a tiny hot dog called a “Donnie”, an orange slush, or a bag of Trump Tiny Nuts to show your support for these patriotic Americans. Every penny will go to protect our Secret Service Agents from the insensitivity of their prick landlord!

And now, exclusive to The Clown Car Update, here is the transcript of the call between Trump and his favorite contractor, Satan:

Satan: Beelzebub, here. Hell is where your heart is. To whom am I speaking?

Trump: It’s me.

Satan: Oh, Donnie. How are things going? That’s a great deal you made; your soul for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Michigan. I don’t think anybody saw that coming!

Trump: No, and you can’t talk like that to the press, OK? It makes me look bad. But that’s not why I called. There’s a problem up here and you have to fix it.

Satan: Donnie, we already discussed this. I can’t do anything about your hands or your penis. That was the Big Guy, you know? There are some things I just can’t fix.

Trump: No, no. Not that. It’s this Russia investigation. I thought my soul got me eight years as president. They are talking about removing me and replacing me with that pasty leggo guy.

Satan: I think you misunderstood the deal, Donnie. Your soul got you elected. I never said anything about eight years.

Trump: But it’s right here, in Section Three of the Contract, “For your immortal soul you get to win the the presidential election and get eight years.” It’s in black and white.

Satan: First, you should not be bringing up black and white with me after I got Jeff Session through as Attorney General. Second, you are misreading that clause. You get elected and eight years in prison. It’s in the footnote after the asterisk.

Trump: I never read the whole contract. I never read those things. Reading is for losers. I make great deals without reading.

Satan: Yes, my man Putin told me that. He said that deal you signed with those Russian hookers was a real pisser! AHAHAHAHAH!

Trump: If those tapes get out it will kill me!  My wig is all wet and I have shrinkage! This is a killer. And I owe him a lot of money too.

Satan: I know. That’s why I had him handle your election rigging. It was one of my best moves. He looks great on a horse too!

Trump:  I’ve been making calls all day, and yours was the most unpleasant. At least Putin was nice to me. This was bad. And my other line is ringing.

Satan: Oh yeah, that would be Bob Mueller. Anyway, I have another call too. This Eric Bolling is a real crybaby!

It should be noted that we contacted the White House for a comment and received this email from Steve Bannon, Trump’s chief strategist: “Go f**k yourself, you lying motherf**ker. I’m busy sucking my own c**k!” Satan never responded to our request for comment, but we think he and Bannon are the same guy.

 

 

 

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On Episode 436 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we recapped this long week’s events:

On Monday, Jared Kushner appeared before investigators from the Senate Intelligence Committee to testify about his meetings with Russian officials. In an eleven page prepared statement, he claimed that in the meeting with Donald, Jr. and Russian intelligence operatives, he was so disinterested that he texted an aide asking “Can u pls call me on my cell? Need excuse to get out of meeting.” He later texted the same aide asking, “Can u pls call Ivanka and tell her we are having an affair? Need excuse to get out of administration!”

Kushner said in his statement that his failure to reveal the meetings with Russian officials can be easily explained by his busy schedule and inexperience in politics. Kushner recalled, “I was so busy going from meeting to meeting I even forgot my potty training at times. It got messy!”

*****

Also Monday, Duke of Orange gave a speech at the annual Boy Scout Jamboree. After the controversial talk in which he described to forty thousand underage boys what it was like to have an orgy on a yacht, he recalled his own experience avoiding the Boy Scouts. He explained that, like with the military, he avoided joining due to a scalp fungus and the fact that there was no pussy grabbing merit badge.

*****

On Tuesday, in a speech in Youngstown, Ohio,  Twitler imagined being put on Mount Rushmore. The National Park Service later Tweeted: “Surveyed available rock. Not enough space available for his ass.”

*****

Late Wednesday, newly appointed White House consigliere Tony “Walnuts” Scaramucci threatened to call the FBI on Chief of Staff Reince Priebus unless he stops leaking information about him and having the staff call him Scaramucus. On Thursday, Reince Priebus called the FBI himself after waking up with the severed head of the Easter Bunny in his bed with a note that said: “Sean Spicer sleeps with the fishes!”

*****

On Thursday, Congress dealt Trump a setback to his love affair with Vladimir Putin. They passed a veto-proof bill that put heavy sanctions on Russia. “It was a big blow more disturbing than the one Steve Bannon does to himself,” said Anthony Scramucci.

Early Friday morning, America’s death panel, A.K.A. the Republican party,  lost a crucial vote in their attempt to kill Obamacare when John McCain cast the deciding “no” vote killing what the GOP referred to as the “skinny repeal”. Not to be discouraged, Mitch McConnell promised to fight on to repeal the ACA with an “anorexic repeal”. Other plans he has lined up are the “bulimic repeal”, the “average build repeal”, and the “plus size appeal”.

*****

And finally, late on Friday, Reince was thrown under the Prie-bus. After months of speculation that Reince Priebus would be replaced, Donald Trump finally pulled the trigger and fired the beleaguered chief of staff. But still afraid of his ex-boss, Reince issued this carefully worded statement: “The president was very good to me, even when he took me into the Oval Office last night and had the entire cabinet kick me in the balls. That actually didn’t hurt as much as when he held me and let Scaramucci punch me until he ruptured my spleen. Even though it was a terrible beating and doctors warn that there still may be some internal bleeding, it was my honor if it helped advance this president’s agenda. I wish Anthony and the president all the best and apologize for any scratches they may have incurred on their hands from my rib fragments”

Preibus will be reassigned to the position of equipment manager on the newly resurrected Trump University football team. Head coach Anthony Scaramucci brags that they will be “the dirtiest meanest, most intimidating cock-suckers in the NCAA! GO PRICKS!”

Twilight’s Last Gleaming?

Posted: July 25, 2017 in New Post

In the last few days, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi have unveiled the Democratic plan for helping the middle class regain their footing in the changing economy of the Twenty-First Century. To those of you who have heard me on The Tim Corrimal Show and Turn Up the Night with Kenny Pick, you know that this is something I have been advocating for a long time. In fact, the day after the House pulled the first version of their “health care” bill, I warned that it would be a tragically missed opportunity for the Democrats not to offer an alternative to the bile flowing from the gut of the depraved Republican party. My view has been for a long time that to simply oppose their destruction of the social safety net was not enough. They must remind American voters that it has been the Liberal Democrats who through the Great Depression, the civil rights movement of the ’50s and ’60s, and the Great Recession of 2008, fought for the preservation of the American Dream for everyone.

As encouraged as I am about this first step in presenting a Democratic vision, there is a chorus of voices running through the party that is obsessed with “connecting with the disaffected Trump voters.” They warn against “identity politics” and encourage the party to tone down its commitment to justice for the disaffected and the disadvantaged. They see a disadvantage in standing for the rights of the LGBTQ community, supporting Black Lives Matter, fair immigration reform, workers bargaining rights, and justice for every American whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or atheist.

To me, these things are the soul of the Democratic Party. Caring about social justice and economic fairness has always gone hand and hand with Liberal ideals. They are not mutually exclusive and need not be separated in an effort to achieve electoral success. To the Trump voters who only seek validation of their bigotry, who only see justice in denying the rights of others, I say to hell with them. If the price of power requires catering to this basket of depolorables and their need to feel superior to anyone who is not what they consider “real Americans”, if selling our soul is the path to electoral victory, then maybe the republic we love so much is already lost.

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The Clown Car Update has learned of plans by Donald Trump to fire the Senate, the House of Representatives, and the Supreme Court except for Neil Gorsuch. Our Delaware Bureau Chief @francie57, reports that the move is designed to consolidate Trump’s power. The president also has decided to move Kremlin staff into the resulting empty space in the Capitol and the Supreme Court Buildings.

The reaction by Democrats to the move was swift. “He must be locked up!”, screamed Chuck Schumer, as he was being handcuffed by Secret Service\ and charged with the newly declared crime of “Conspiracy to not be nice to President Trump.” Other Democratic lawmakers were unavailable for comment and were seen boarding military aircraft headed for Guantanamo Bay. Witnesses at Andrews Air Force Base say that among the Democrats were some members of Trump’s own former staff including Sean Spicer and former Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sources close to Spicer tell The Clown Car News that his wife found his office ransacked with only a torn Easter Bunny outfit suggesting a violent struggle.

Republican reaction has been mostly muted, with a few exceptions. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell supported the move. “Look, he is allowing us to live and has pledged not to harm our families. I think that is very generous.” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan agreed. “Look,” Ryan said, “we should all be thankful for the opportunity to walk away unharmed. The president did win the election so it really is his government to run.”  When asked about the incarceration of the Democrats, Ryan declined to comment except to say that “Guantanamo is lovely this time of year.”

Reaction from around the world was mixed. French president Emmanuel Macron was taken by surprise. “I should have never shown him Napoleon’s grave,” Macron lamented, “he really, really liked Napoleon’s style!” German Chancellor Angela Merkel offered this assessment, “Let’s just say we have seen this here in Germany and believe me, it does not end well.” As for other reactions, Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels had some bad news for Melissa McCarthy. “We will be letting her go immediately. Spicer in Guantanamo just is not funny.”

Reaction in Russia was ecstatic. ‘We can now admit that we hacked your election and won!”, Vladimir Putin said in a statement, “and we got the idiot we wanted. We not only got our compounds back, but we get to have the Capitol Building as well! That dome will have to go, though. We really prefer onion domes, you know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Clown Car update has learned that the White House is planning more restrictive procedures to be put in place regarding the format of the daily briefing. Sources close to the White House communication office told the Clown Car Update that effective immediately, the identity of the person at the podium will be concealed from reporters. Various methods of concealment are being discussed including shadow screens and voice distortion equipment. But our sources tell us that there is a consensus forming around the idea of the person at the podium wearing a paper bag over their head.

The paper bag idea has been gaining momentum since the president is a big fan of the Gong Show’s “Unknown Comic”, Murray Langston. Our sources tell us that Langston, who developed a cult following in the  ’70s, has been an informal advisor to Trump on matters of national security and domestic policy, which may explain some of the comedic aspects of Trump’s agenda. Langston has previously proposed replacing the Affordable Care Act with a free first aid kit for all Americans as universal health coverage.  That idea apparently gained no traction on Capitol Hill. Langston was first consulted when both Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders expressed growing embarrassment with being identified with on camera briefings. Sources tell us that they no longer wanted to be associated with the Trump administration on live television. Langston faced similar embarrassment when he agreed to participate on the Gong Show. Fearing he would harm his reputation as a comic, he chose to appear on the show with a paper bag over his head.

The plan is to have the person at the podium wearing a large, brown paper bag with cutouts for their eyes and mouth. Also, to further disguise their identity, they would all wear cheap leisure suits. Steve Banon reportedly was insisting that the bags be white, but it was ultimately decided that white bags would be bad optics. There will also be some ground rules to go along with the paper bags. First, no reporter is to ask who is wearing the bag. White House bags are now considered classified. Bag wearing is restricted to the presenter only. All reporters must be bag free.

If the paper bag does not ultimately get the approval of the president, there is one other plan he is said to favor that was brought up at his meeting with Vladimir Putin last week, which is to have Sean and Sarah appear as two Russian nesting dolls.

 

 

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U.S. officials confirmed to Clown Car News that North Korea’s claim that it launched an intercontinental ballistic missile overnight, this time with a warhead containing Gov. Chris Christy of New Jersey.

“The United States strongly condemns North Korea’s launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile with Gov. Christy.” the statement said. “Launching Gov. Christy represents a new escalation of the threat to the United States, our allies and partners, the region, and New Jersey beaches.”

In the statement, the officials confirmed that the satellite photos have confirmed that the warhead with Gov. Christy has landed on a beach near the governor’s summer home. The satellite pictures depict an eerily empty beach with what officials presume is the very large warhead and a few survivors playing around him. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said the governor was a gift for the U.S., in honor of the Fourth of July.

A spokesperson for Nikki Haley, the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, have told Clown Car News, “We intend to bring North Korea’s provocative action before the UN Security Council. The United States seeks only the peaceful removal of all of Gov. Christy from the Jersey Shore. As we, along with others, have made clear, we will never accept North Korea sending Gov. Christy to our shores.

According to the U.S. and South Korea, the missile has to be “the most powerful yet developed by the North to carry such an enormous payload.”

In response to the launch, the U.S. Army and military personnel from South Korea conducted a missile exercise firing short-range missiles into the Sea of Japan, carrying a Kelly Anne Conway warhead. A defense official said this U.S.-South Korean “show of force” will give North Korea “alternative facts to consider.” Chief Pentagon spokesperson Dana White called North Korea’s launch of  Gov. Christy  “an enormous escalation.” The launch of Kelly Anne Conway, White continued,  “demonstrates that we have repulsive things we could send them too!”

Trump took to Twitter on Monday, before the Pentagon issued an official statement on the matter, to respond to reports that North Korea conducted another missile test.

“Just saw the pictures of Chirs Christy on the Jersey Shore. Does this guy have anything better to do with his life?” he tweeted late Monday, presumably referring to New Jersey’s governor. “Hard to believe that South Jersey will put up with this much longer. Perhaps Bruce Springsteen will put a heavy move on Christy and end this nonsense once and for all.”

As for what the president intends to do about this latest intrusion into our sacred Jersey Shore beaches, he seemed skeptical about our intelligence. “Maybe it was North Korea, maybe it was China. For all we know, this was just some four-hundred-pound governor sitting on the beach!”

 

432-1

Maybe you’re an FBI director between opportunities. Maybe your just a normal person looking for a great opportunity. You answer an ad in the Washington Post for a self-starter who wants the career of a lifetime to work in a high-profile position as a “person-of-interest.” However, when you arrive you are blindfolded and led into a dark room and attached to a microwave oven. When your blindfold is removed, you are sitting in a blinding light and across from you sits a man dressed as the Easter Bunny. He begins the conversation by screaming at you that Trump’s inauguration had the biggest crowds and to shut up and listen. Is this a setup? Was that newspaper ad a trap to get you to join a cult? Are you going to be found in pieces in a garbage bag floating in the Potomac? The Bunnyman tells you “you are hired!” And then it hits you. This is far, far worse. You begin to suspect you have been hired to work on the White House staff! How can you be sure? Here are the top ten ways to know you are working in the Trump White House:

10. Your employee handbook has a section on how to plead the Fifth.

9.   Your benefit package includes a criminal defense lawyer.

8.   At your orientation, you are shown the first three seasons of “Orange Is the New Black”

7.   Your screen saver is a subpoena

6.   Your Secret Service codename is “Suspect 432”

5.    You have a reserved seat in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee

4.    On your first day of work you are offered a plea deal

3.    You are given training on the proper way to be handcuffed

2.    At your job interview, you are read your Miranda Rights

1.    Repeat after me, “I don’t remember!”

If you recognize any of these signs, it’s already too late. You have joined the Trump White House and you’re probably looking at five to ten in a federal penitentiary. That’s right, you have been left to twist slowly, slowly in the wind and that view you have is the underside of a bus.