The Clown Car Update for May 8, 2022

Emergency medical teams were summoned to the United States Capitol Building on Monday when Maine Sen. Susan Collins collapsed in her office. She apparently became ill upon learning that both Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch reportedly lied to her when they were being considered for the Supreme Court. Politico reported on Monday that both voted to turn over Roe v. Wade according to a leaked draft of the decision. “Sen. Collins became very disoriented when she heard the report,” an aide to Collins said, “that is, more disoriented than usual.” EMTs at the scene attempted to calm the senator by showing her pictures of unicorns. “She always responded to unicorns,” a person close to Collins said, “but she seems to be losing faith in them recently.”

People with close ties to Sen. Collins, who wished to remain anonymous because they promised her they would never speak to reporters, told us that there were signs she was faltering even before Monday’s revelations on abortion rights. “She was becoming concerned that people were lying to her just to get her vote,” one close associate told the Clown Car Update. “After Donald Trump was impeached a second time she began to suspect that Donald Trump may have not learned his lesson after his first impeachment,” the source told us.

And as late as this past Christmas, sources told us, she began to have a crisis of faith. She reportedly told close associates that she suspected that the presents under her Christmas tree were put there by her husband and not Santa Clause. “This past Christmas was a tough one for her,” a friend told us, “and she even stopped leaving cookies and milk for Santa. It was so sad.”

In April, Sen. Collins had another setback when she attend the annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House grounds. A witness explained, “She was in shock after she saw what she claimed to be a person inside the Easter Bunny. Thankfully we got her back to her office and she recovered after we re-played the scene in Peter Pan when Tinker Bell came back to life.”

In a statement released by a spokesperson for Walter Reed Hospital, Sen. Collins is in stable condition after doctors told her that Roe v. Wade was not really dead but living on a farm in upstate New York.

The Clown Car Update for May 1, 2022

On Monday it was announced that Elon Musk, the Lex Luthor of MAGA Land, had agreed to purchase Twitter for $44 million dollars. Immediately all the inmates of the right wing asylum were whipped into a frenzy never seen since Donald Trump Jr. first discovered cocaine. For the rest of us the news was as welcome as a driverless Tesla in a school crossing zone.

From Tucker Carlson’s tanned balls to Madison Cawthorn’s lingerie collection, the right wing celebrated their impending release from Twitter jail. While Donald Trump tried to figure out how to get an account on his own Truth Social, the big question became “Will Musk allow Trumpelstiltskin out of Twitter purgatory?” Stay tuned!

But one thing Elon Musk assured us is that big changes were on the way for Twitter. He pledged to take the company private and make the rules of the platform looser that a Russian hooker’s bladder. And just like a Russian hooker, Musk assured us that he would piss all over America. So what changes can we expect as soon as The Musked Stinger gets his thumbs on Twitter? Here is a glimpse the Clown Car Update was able to obtain from insiders who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being launched on the first Space X mission to Pluto:

New Twitter Logo: Yes, the iconic Larry the Bird will be replaced by The Terrible Pterodactyl. Like Larry the Bird, the Pterodactyl will have a nickname, but like Musk’s children it will be unpronounceable.

New Twitter Emojis: All the “woke” emojis of the radical left will be replaced by more America First emojis like the “Hood and Robe emoji”, the “Burning Cross emoji”, and the ever popular “Putin emoji.”

New Twitter Market Place: Users will be able to have Twitter stores like “The White Supremacist Mall”, “The Weapons Exchange”, or the “Twitter Pharmacy” where you can by over-the-counter ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, thalidomide, injectable bleach and ultraviolet suppositories.

Automatic Hashtags: All Twitter users will have an automatic hashtag attached to each Tweet as a condition of use. It will say #muskisthesupremebeing.

And Twitter may not be the end of Elon Musk’s shopping spree, as he is eyeing a hostile takeover of Disney to form a new group of Musk-a-teers, a takeover of Coca-Cola to put cocaine back in the recipe, and a takeover of Chuck E. Cheese to rename it Musk E. Pleese. Musk believes that his Twitter takeover will in part ensure the success of his master plan to colonize Mars. “To get people to be willing to move to Mars, I am going to make life on Earth a living hell!”

The Clown Car Update for April 24, 2022

Is your energy level lower than Lauren Boebert’s IQ? Is your erection as soft as Mitch McConnell’s chin? You may have a serious medical condition. Not sure? Then take this simple quiz:

• Do you have an unnatural obsession with guns?
• Do you watch more than twenty hours of Fox News each day?
• Do you find Marjorie Taylor Greene attractive?
• Have you ever taken Ivermectin, bleach, or thalidomide to treat COVID?
• Did you attack the Capitol Building on January 6, 2020?
• Are you Ted Cruz?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions you are probably suffering from a condition known as Low Testosterone. If you answered yes to the last question you are simply a douchbag.

Symptoms of Low T include reduced muscle tone, increased body fat, and cognitive issues. In other words, Donald Trump. But it doesn’t have to mean a life of low energy and low sex drive, although if you answered yes to two or more of the questions, you’re probably not having many opportunities for sex anyway.

Well the Clown Car Update’s Medical Research staff broke into the abandoned offices of Ron Popeil and obtained the blueprints of his most famous inventions in an attempt to relieve your suffering. We combined elements of “Mr. Microphone,” “Inside-the-Shell Egg Scrambler,” and “Showtime Rotisserie and BBQ Oven” to bring you the Scrot-M-Matic, the miracle relief for Low T.

You don’t have to buy fancy red light machines that cost thousands of dollars as you have seen on Tucker Carlson’s show. Our answer to your Low T can cost a fraction of the Carlson machine and is much more effective. Here’s how it works.

First, we take Mr. Microphone and listen if your guys are moving down there. If not, we insert the Inside-the-Shell Egg Scrambler” to mix things up and get the blood really flowing right in your ball sack. Last, we insert your scrambled balls into the “Showtime Rotisserie” at 425 degrees until that testosterone is bubbly hot! You will feel the relief instantly as you remove your nuts from a hot oven and feel like the man you were years ago when you smeared your feces all over the Capitol building.

And for touch-ups between treatments or on the go, we will add our Scrotum Pocket Fisherman. Just insert your hands in your pockets and twirl those boys around as you’re riding the subway or just watching porn on your computer.

If you order now, you will get the Scrot-M-Matic and the Pocket Fisherman for five easy payments of $19.95. And if you order now we will include a year’s supply of Giuliani Formula 45 Hair System, a $2.00 value, absolutely free! And all our products come with a money-back guarantee. If you’re not completely satisfied with your results, just return the Scrot-M-Matic and one of your balls for a full refund.

So don’t settle for the misery of Low T when Scrot-M-Matic can restore you to full manhood, or at least what little manhood you had before. The next time you walk down the street, all the women will ask, “Is that a gun or have you been using the Scrot-M-Matic?”

The Clown Car Update for April 10, 2022

Disney wants to turn your children gay, woke, and fill their heads with Critical Race Theory. Well, Ron DeSantis is not going to have it! The governor of Florida will protect your kids from the ravages of the Magic Kingdom and prevent your little boy from turning into Tinker Bell. So move over Disney because there’s a new sheriff in town and he ain’t lettin’ Mickey use Minnie’s bathroom. Introducing “DeSantis World,” the newest attraction that the Florida swamp people have to offer. Come to “DeSantis World” and experience the real America that White, straight Americans can only dream of. Look at some of the attractions your heterosexual family unit can enjoy without the fear of gay zombies.

World Domination Showcase: Governor DeSantis wants you to forget that sissy Epcot Center and enjoy a tour of some of the greatest suppressive countries in the history of man. First, visit Germany as you remember it, invading Poland and occupying France. Cross the Maginot Line on the Panzer Tank Ride and shoot French resistance fighters with your cannon. Fly on the Sorin’ Luftwaffe Ride on a bombing raid over London and watch the joy on your kids’ faces as they drop bombs on innocent civilian targets. Next, enjoy the glory of the Soviet Union pavilion and take a thrilling trip through time from the Russian Revolution to the present assault on Ukraine. Take part in a realistic recreation of the Bolshevik Revolution and shoot members of Tsar Nicholas II’s family and then get your picture taken with the corpse of our Anastasia cast member. Then visit The Russian Hall of President. That’s right, there is only one, Vladimir Putin. Your tour, narrated by Tucker Carlson, ends with a photo session with you sitting on a replica horse behind a shirtless wax Putin. Nightmares for a lifetime!

It’s A Smallpox World: One of the most iconic rides in “DeSantis World” is worth the wait. Yes,the lines for this one are long but don’t worry there is no social distancing and masks are absolutely forbidden. Aboard the gondola, you will be taken on a tour of “Plagues of the Past” when people knew real freedom from vaccines and mask mandates. The ride starts with “The Great Plague of London” in 1665 where people were allowed to die in the street with their freedom intact and with absolutely no government interference. The ride ends with the iconic song “It’s A Smallpox World After All” sung by the dead children of the world. For ten dollars, you can get your picture taken getting slapped for wearing a mask by Ron DeSantis himself!

The Great Plantation: Ron DeSantis wants your kids to learn the real history of race in America with his “Gone with the Wind” replica southern plantation. Here your kids can enjoy being a White plantation owner graciously watching his happy slaves singing songs as they gratefully pick cotton for their masters. Then take a ride on a slave ship and celebrate with the newly kidnapped Africans as they gratefully look forward to being sold to a kind White master in the New World. No 1619 Project or “woke” history here. Just the truth about the great America we all wished were real. At the end of the ride, everyone gets a tee-shirt that reads “I tore up a copy of Critical Race Theory and all I got was this lousy tee-shirt!” All these attractions and more are yours to make memories in the state that time forgot or certainly would like to.

And while you are here, stay at one of our fine on-property resorts like “The Dead Dolphins” or our exclusive “White Cracker.” And save time in line by getting pre-screened for gay before you arrive. Ron DeSantis wants you to enjoy the real American experience at his new “DeSantis World,” the Whitest, straightest place on earth.

​

The Clown Car Update for April 3, 2022

As if the news was not bad enough lately, we learned this week that at a young, innocent congressman from North Carolina was introduced to the underbelly of Washington D.C. society. And we mean UNDER BELLY! This week Madison Cawthorn told a podcaster that he was invited to what he referred to as a “sexual get together.” He said, “I’m like, ‘What did you just ask me to come to?’ And then you realize they are asking you to come to an orgy.” OH. MY. GAWWWD! A Republican orgy! He added, “and then you watch them do, you know, a key bump of cocaine right in front of you and it’s like, ‘Wow, this is wild.’” So even Don Jr. is involved? Well, the Clown Car Update had to get to the bottom of this so we contacted a Republican source who agreed to take us to one of these love fests so we could observe the spectacle with our now permanently damaged eyes. Here then is what we observed as we were (pardon the expression) “exposed” to the world of “Republigula.”

Our sexual Sherpa took us blindfolded to the home of some prominent Washington lawmaker who remained unidentified. We knocked on the door and we whispered the password “Turtle Wax.” After we were admitted, our blindfolds were removed to reveal our host for the night, a man wearing only the mask of a snapping tortoise and a penis tattoo that read “The Fila-BUSTER.” He introduced us around to some of the guests.

First, we met an old man known only as “Chuck.” We immediately suspected this was a rather old senator we all knew given that his body was shriveled up like a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair. He wore a tight leather speedo open at the crotch explaining his nickname “Grassy.” He pointed there and invited us to “butter our cobs in his field of dreams.”

Next we met a man named “Matt” who was naked except for an ID badge around his neck that read “Middle-School Faculty.” We were warned ahead of time not to ask why he was seated at the kiddy’s table. His hair was combed into a very high bouffant and his smile said “Yea, your little girl is safe with me!”

As we walked around, we passed a room with the door partially open and we can see a man lying on a bed with his hands down his pants. “Oh, that’s “Rudy,” our guide explained, “he just comes here and pretends he’s looking for some kind of evidence in his crotch.” We were told if we wanted to speak with him we should probably wear raincoats.

Our next introduction was to a man we could only describe as grotesquely slimy. He wore only a cowboy hat, a Lone Ranger mask, and a patchy beard that screamed out “CRABS!” Our guide told us ahead of time that no one really ever wanted to have sex with him, and the hosts deliberately kept sending his invitations to the wrong address but somehow he kept finding the orgy. He blamed his penis size on “shrinkage” and mostly just sat in a corner alone masturbating to a photo of Donald Trump.

By now we were getting a little nauseous so our guide thought it would be a good time to end our tour, but had two last guests he wanted us to meet. Outside were two dominatrices floating in the bed of a Dodge Ram pickup filled with Wild Turkey. Their names were Marge and Lauren and no one ever had sex with either of them because they were biters. The hosts would bring them in when they wanted everyone to leave for the night.

As we pulled away from Republigula, we had one remaining question. Where was Donald Trump at these orgies? Our source explained, “he always gets a private room with his own shower!”

The Clown Car Update for March 27, 2022

Well, it’s just been an awful time for the South’s favorite belle, Lindsey Graham, and his friends. First, his best friend and whitest of White people was forcibly thrown off the plantation, and then his usurper had the gall to nominate a black woman to the Supreme Court. Why it’s enough to send a body to grab a bowl of gumbo and drown in a tub of mint juleps! But don’t panic, fellow belles because Lindsey is to the rescue like Scarlett O’Hara at Tara. Introducing the Lindsey Graham Southern Outrage Academy, where Southern outrage meets the fainting couch. And the outrage was on full display as some of the senate’s hottest of hotty toddies took their turns showin’ they were madder than a wet hen about Ketanji Brown Jackson wantin’ to be a Supreme Court judge. Why they NEVER! Here are the Outrage Academy lowlights just in case you were so deep in high cotton that you didn’t catch the action:

First up was…

Sen. John Kennedy: Why Sen. John was so confused he didn’t know whether to wind his ass or scratch his watch because he ain’t never heard of a black judge before. The only black judge he’s ever seen was a the Lous’iana State Fair and she was judgin’ the pie bakeoff. So he was compelled to ask Judge Jackson, “Did you go to law school?” “Why yes,” the judge replied. Well, his face went all cattywampus at just the idea of a black woman in law school. “And what lowly school admitted you?” he asked. “Harvard,” she replied leaving him sweating more than a hooker in church.

then we had…

Sen. Ted Cruz: Well, Sen. Ted is known to be slicker than pig snot on a doorknob. He showed some books that they’re showin’ to little kids at the school where Judge Jackson is a board member. “Why, do tell, Judge Jackson, why are you teachin’ kids that babies are racist?” The judge pointed out that she is on the board of directors and has nothing to do with the curriculum. But Sen. Ted never lets looking like a penny waitin’ for change stop him from making a fool of himself. “Why, that answer is fine as a frog’s hair split four ways,” said Sen. Ted, which left Judge Jackson staring at him like he didn’t have the good sense that God gave a rock! All hat, no cattle!

next up…

Sen. Marsha Blackburn: Everyone knows Sen. Marsha is meaner than a wet panther. “Judge Jackson,” said Marsha, Marsha, Marsha, “do you know that the Constitution guarantees the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness but not an abortion?” She sat there grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ a sweet tater, completely unaware that she had just confused the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence. Judge Jackson just smiled and let Marsha wallow in her own stupidity sittin’ there as lonely as a pine tree in a parking lot.

and then…

Sen. Josh Hawley: Sen. Josh thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow! Sure, he is technically not a southerner, but for the purposes of making racist attacks on a black woman, Lindsey Graham will allow it. Sen. Josh has a suspicious fixation on child pornography and wanted to know why Judge Jackson promotes it. “Is it true, Judge Jackson, you promote child pornography in you frunchard?”  “I’m afraid I didn’t understand that last word, senator. Could you repeat it? “YOUR FRUNCHARD,” Josh screamed, “as opposed to your backyard!” “Well, no, senator, that’s completely false.” Sen. Josh was as lost as last year’s Easter egg. “Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!” Josh yelled. The expression on Judge Jackson’s face said this guy’s so dumb he could throw himself on the ground and miss.

and finally came…

Sen. Lindsey Graham: When it was Sen. Lindsey’s turn you could see he had a burr in his saddle and was ready to pitch a hissy fit. He was all wound up about the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay and the fact that Judge Jackson defended them. He claimed they had a recidivism rate of 31%, which Sen. Dick Durbin had to correct the Scarlett O’Hara of the Senate Judiciary Committee was actually 5%. Well Lindsey just clutched his new set of pearls which he purchased just for this occasion. “Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit,” Lindsey scowled, “but I don’t care if they all die in prison!” And then, with his knickers in a knot, he gathered up his shawl and stormed out of the room. He was not having it!

But as the Senate’s own “Scarlett” rushed for the door, Sen. Dick Durbin was heard to say “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

The Clown Car Update for March 20, 2022

At a news conference, this week another prominent United States senator strongly hinted that he may challenge Donald Trump for the Republican nomination for president in 2024. Citing his conservative credentials and his strong ties to traditional Republican values, as well as staunch opposition to Biden, he becomes the first challenger to openly emerge from Congress. With the announcement of an exploratory committee, Sen. Joe Manchin threw his bag of coal into the 2024 Republican race.

Touting his being named the Republican Party’s “Employee of the Month” for a record twelve months in a row, Manchin took credit for stalling the Biden agenda in its tracks. “I’ve been a regular lump of coal in Joe Biden’s Christmas stocking ever since he took office,” the West Virginia senator bragged. “I’ve been the acting president for quite some time now, so I may as well make it official.”

Asked why he is still caucusing with Democrats, Manchin explained that he lived by the old saying “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” “They actually treat me like I’m one of them, it is so hilarious,” Manchin laughed at the reporter’s question. “First I pretend that I am interested in getting the Democrats’ agenda passed, then I say I’ll only do it with bi-partisan support, then I pretend to negotiate with them for months, and then ‘BANG!’ I announce that ‘I just can’t get there! It is so funny to play with them like I was ever going to help!”

When a reporter asked if he intends to leave the Democratic caucus, Manchin indicated that it would not be necessary. He explained that if the Democrats have not caught on by now, they never will. “I changed my registration years ago and they still don’t know! As long as I pretend to be a Democrat, the West Virginia Democratic Party keeps allowing me to run on their ticket.”

Manchin said while it’s too early to consider his running mate, he thinks he has a winning campaign slogan. It’s one word: “SUCKERS!”

The Clown Car Update for March 13, 2022

This week found one of Democracy’s sworn enemies badly embarrassed and reeling from the setbacks and miscalculation of the invasion of Ukraine. With the courageous resistance of the Ukrainian army and the resurgence of the NATO Alliance, the Russian economy is collapsing along with the Russian Ruble. These developments threaten to bring about the end of the despot that has been the enemy of the United States for years. Yes, my friends, Donald Trump is in bigly trouble. This week, with his Russian funding drying up, he is reaching out to his MAGA Maggots with a fundraising email of which that the Clown Car Update was able to obtain an advanced copy.

Dear Maggot,

During my four years as president, I built a wall, a beautiful wall, from California to Florida. It stretches for three thousand miles and yet somehow the evil, socialist, communist, fascist, far left extremists in the Democrat Party smuggled illegal voting machines into our country along with shipments of baby-killing abortionists. These machines were pre-loaded with votes for Joe Biden and were distributed to various states by fake Black Lives Matters protesters during the George Floyd fake protests. The result was that your favorite president was illegally thrown out of office and a fake president installed. Though our valiant patriots tried to save America from this coup when they stormed the Capitol on January 6, 2021, their efforts were instead condemned by the fake news media, persecuted by an illegal Justice Department,  and some of them now sit in government camps waiting to be forcefully vaccinated and indoctrinated in critical race theory. And now, as if all these atrocities were not enough for this far-left socialist, mask-wearing, vaccine-crazed mob, they have now attacked Vladimir Putin merely because he was my friend and wanted to annex Ukraine. They accused him of rigging the 2016 election, and we all know that it wasn’t true. I know, because when I asked him about it, he denied it very strongly!

But now, with the Ruble drying up, so did all of my funding for the upcoming 2024 election. Since Vlad is cut off from the corrupt international banking system he is no longer able to launder Rubles. In fact, his last payment to my campaign of 5 billion Rubles was caught and is now worth 45¢. We need your help. Any amount will help, as long as it is in American dollars or Euros. Or become a Putin Nuclear Member with a $100 donation and receive a can of bear spray actually used on January 6, 2021, while supplies last.

Don’t let the commies take over our country. Help out today, comrade!

до свидания! (Do Svidaniya!)

The Clown Car Update for March 6, 2022

A bit of unexpected drama broke out Tuesday night as President Biden delivered his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress. Two Republican congresswomen began to shout at the president and interrupted his speech several times. The shouting turned potentially deadly, however, when both women collapsed on the floor of the Senate. The Sergeant-At-Arms was called to the scene and quickly called for a medical team. Both women were taken to Walter Reed Army National Military Center for emergency medical procedures.

Lauren Boebert, the representative of Colorado’s Third Congressional District, was assessed and quickly underwent emergency surgery. As explained by the head of Walter Reed’s Oral-Metatarsal Department, Dr. Henrick Hoofinmouth,  Rep. Boebert sustained an injury called Maxillary/Metatarsal Lodging. Dr. Hoofinmouth described it in layman’s terms as having one’s feet stuck in one’s mouth. The doctor and his team performed what was described as an oral podiatry extraction in which the patient’s foot is carefully removed from the oral cavity. What made Rep. Boebert’s case more difficult was the fact that she managed to get both of her feet lodged. After hours of delicate surgery, Dr. Hoofinmouth and his surgical team were able to successfully remove her feet from her mouth. In a post-surgery press briefing, a hospital spokesperson explained that the procedure was made a bit easier because of the size of Rep. Boebert’s mouth and the fact that there was nothing else in her head.

Marjorie Taylor Greene, the representative of Georgia’s Fourteenth District, also required emergency treatment upon arrival at Walter Reed. The head of Walter Reed’s Cranial-Rectal Department, Dr. Seymore Cheeks, quickly assembled his surgical team and performed a little used and rare procedure called an Anal-Cranial Excision. Simply put, they had to pull Rep. Greene’s head out of her ass. After several hours of attempting the procedure, Dr. Cheeks and his team were unable to successfully complete the excision. However, Dr. Cheeks, noticing that Rep. Greene was unusually full of excrement, administered a Fleet enema causing the patient to pass her head naturally. Dr. Cheeks said later that it was a bit messy, but it worked remarkably well perhaps, he conjectured because she must have had her head up there many times before. “She’ll be making an ass of herself in no time,” the doctor added.

Medical experts the Clown Car Update spoke to told us that over the past few decades,  incidents of the kind that Reps. Boebert and Greene had experienced have become more and more common, almost exclusively among members of the republican party, Joe Manchin and Kristen Sinima being outliers. Fortunately, these experts assure us that such near tragedies are completely avoidable. Their recommendation: Never interrupt the President of the United States when he is speaking otherwise you will end up with your foot in your mouth or your head up your ass!

The Clown Car Update for February 20, 2022

Has the accounting firm Mazars USA suddenly dropped you like a turd after a breakfast burrito? Are they refusing to misrepresent your finances to banks, investors, and the IRS just because the state attorney general might implicate them in your fraud schemes? In our opinion, that is no way to treat a loyal customer who for years depended on an accounting partner to help you with your syndicate’s grifting. That’s why at Skimm Fudge & Dodge we take accounting fraud to the next level with guidance from some of the top white-collar criminals we can find. All of our professional staff have served at least six years in federal prison for violations of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization (RICO) Act. They are here to serve you day and night, mostly at night. Late, late at night.

At Skimm Fudge & Dodge we offer a full range of financial tools to help any financial scheme you may dream up. We have assets ready to help in Somalia, Belarus, and Kazakhstan. This means we can launder your money and have it deposited in offshore accounts faster than a Russian hooker can empty her bladder. In addition, we handle:

• Ponzi schemes
• Bank fraud
• Mail fraud
• Tax evasion
• Embezzlement
• False financial statements
• Inflated property assessments
• Slush funds
• Porn star payoffs
• And many, many more

Hey, we’ve been doing financial crime for over one hundred years. Our former clients include Charles Ponzi, Enron, Bernie Madoff, Lehman Brothers, and the My Pillow guy. And we offer group discounts for all the little racketeers in your family.

And at Skimm Fudge & Dodge your privacy is our number one concern. That’s why we keep all your records in Rudy Giuliani’s bedroom with all the Hillary evidence. And who the hell wants to look in Rudy’s bedroom? Or check what he has hidden down his pants? It’s enough to throw any snooping government agency off your trail. And we will never be subpoenaed because all our offices are mobile. Our vans, or mobile offices as we like to call them, can never be traced because all the license plates are fake and made by our own ex-con license plate artisans.

So before you misrepresent your earnings, falsify your balance sheet, or set up false charities to pay off your legal fees, call the professionals at Skimm Fudge & Dodge. Or visit us at our many convenient locations somewhere in a parking lot near you. Look for our ad in “American Hustle” magazine. At Skimm Fudge & Dodge we’ll never throw you under the bus because, with us, you’re driving the bus!