Archive for the ‘New Post’ Category

452

This week, for the second time this year, Donald Trump’s speech became slurred and unintelligible. The incident startled reporters and stunned leaders around the world. Hours later, at the White House daily press briefing, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was forced to acknowledge that the president of the United States is suffering from a condition called Liar’s Cotton Mouth.

As a result, as a public service, The Tim Corrimal Show, The Clown Car Update, and the Organization For Dry Mouth Awareness along with The Ad Council  would like to present the following public service announcement:

One in three hundred and sixty million people in the United States are diagnosed with Liar’s Cotton Mouth each year. This devastating disease can go unnoticed until it is too late, sometimes until you are elected president. It is important that you recognize the signs of Liar’s Cotton Mouth so that the disease can be caught early. Some of the signs of Liar’s Cotton Mouth are:

  • Slurring the words “The United States”
  • Excessive sniffing
  • An orange-tinged to the skin
  • A need to be loved by Russian Oligarchs
  • Compulsive Tweeting
  • Golden Shower Syndrome
  • Tiny Hand Syndrome
  • Undeveloped genitalia

Unchecked, Liar’s Cotton Mouth can progress to a complete lack of self-control and a fusing of the victim’s tongue to the roof of the mouth. In its final stages, the victim may even become unable to recognize an indictment coming. Worse, Liar’s Cotton Mouth can be passed on to a victim’s children in the form of Russian Amnesia.  Don’t let Liar’s Cotton Mouth turn your loved one into another Donald Trump. If you recognize any of its signs, contact the Special Prosecutor’s office right away.  Special treatment is available in the form of plea agreement.  You may even qualify to be wired for covert law enforcement activities.

Marco Rubio, a Liar’s Cotton Mouth survivor, ask that you don’t just reach for a water bottle. Marco warns that recognizing the warning signs of Liar’s Cotton Mouth may prevent further damage, leading to starting a war in the Middle East or Tweeting out a confession of obstruction of justice. Help is available. It starts with recognizing that you are a total fraud. Call your Special Prosecutor’s office today. It may save you some jail time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

451

Matt Lauer, Garrison Keillor, Al Franken, Joe Barton,  and John Conyers were all this week accused of sexual misconduct in the workplace. It seemed like every day a new allegation comes along that some creep was caught with his pants down. So the Clown car decided to take a survey under the hashtag “donttakeoutyourpenis” to see what situations people believed it was inappropriate to take it out. One would think that would be self-evident, but we were surprised a bit at some of the situations that some people thought it might be appropriate to pop out your pipe cleaner:

  • When you are in the doctor’s office and the nurse asks if you have any swelling
  • When you are in a restaurant and the waiter asks can I take something out of your way  #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When you are finished with dinner and your companion asks what kind of tip you should leave #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When the FBI asks you if you have ever met with Russian agents #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When you are coming through customs at the airport and they ask if you have anything to declare #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When your girlfriend asks you what you got her for Christmas #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When the salesman at Home Depot asks you what length of wood trim you need #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When a cop pulls you over and asks you are carrying any weapons  #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When you are at a bus stop and someone asks you if you know how long it will be #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When the post office worker asks how much your package weighs #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When trying to catch the garter at a wedding  #donttakeoutyourpenis
  • When you meet a friend on the street and they ask what’s up #donttakeoutyourpenis

These are just a sample of the responses we got from our survey. There was one more, and it came from an unnamed source in the White House. When you have tiny hands, #neverevertakeoutyourpenis!

 

 

 

450

Black Friday/Cyber Monday Specials from the Clown Car Gift Shop:

The Putin Tapes: Narrated by Christopher Steele, this is the authentic video produced and directed by the ex-KGB agent and current Russian president Vladimir Putin. Don’t piss your money away on bootleg copies this holiday season. This is the original, high definition version obtained by Bob Mueller and it’s flowing with golden showers of fun. But have your Depends on because you will laugh so hard you may lose control of your bladder. And with this holiday offer, we will include a bonus feature “The Mystery of Donnie’s Tiny Penis” absolutely free.

The Steve Bannon Grooming Kit:  This collection of grooming aids comes in a handy cloth bag scented with the nostalgic odour of your high school gym socks.  Steve personally picked out the items in this kit, including a lice removal comb and a pair of extra-large tweezers for those hard to remove ticks. The toiletries include Steve’s own nose hair wax and axle oil shampoo for that final grooming touch. So whether you are addressing a CPAC convention or just out for a tiki torch march you will always look like you just woke up in a dumpster covered in vomit.

The Roy Moore Mall Scooter: So many teens, so little time. That’s what Roy used to say until he invented the Roy Moore Mall Scooter.  Save time and energy while running around the mall chasing underage girls. With this scooter, you can fly from Kid’s Gap to Toys-R-Us in seconds and still have time to talk to that fourteen-year-old at Auntie Ann’s Pretzels. And our deluxe model even has its own Mateus Rose wine holder for those extra special dates.

Eyebrows by Huckabee:  Have the eyebrows you only imagined in your worse nightmare with Sarah’s new eyebrow liner line. Designed for Ms Huckabee by the same people who paint the lines on the interstate highway system, Eyebrows by Huckabee are the surest way to have eyebrows just like the White House press secretary.  And they come in three thicknesses: Wide, Extra Wide, and Don’t-Even-Think-of-Asking-That Question Super-Wide!

Replica Nuclear Football:  Yes, this realistic suitcase looks like the actual nuclear football and was designed for our current president to make him think he has the real thing. What? Do you think they were actually stupid enough to give Trump the real nuclear codes? Designed by the Franklin Mint shortly after the 2016 elections, these replicas are limited and are numbered 2 through 666. Number 1 was given to Donald Trump.

Kim Jong-un/Donald Trump Deuling Action Figures:  Trade insults and bring the world to the brink of nuclear war with these realistic, talking action figures from Mattel. Both these figures come with buttons as easy to push as the real Kim and Donnie. Just push Donnie’s button and hear him say “Little Kim”. Push again and he sings “Rocket Man”.  But Kim has something to say too. Just push his button and he calls Donnie “A mentally deranged dotard” Fiji Water bottle sold separately.

Bag-o-Clean Coal:  Personally designed for the 2017 holiday season by Scott Pruitt, this is not the old coal for naughty children. No, this coal is clean and healthy, hand washed seven times by the caring miners in the West Virginia strip mines. Just pop this bag into your pot belly and smell the aroma of methane and sulphur fill your home with the odors of holidays past. And with each bag, you get a free pair of asbestos gloves to protect your hands when you shake out the ashes.  Oh, and don’t forget the canary!

Jeff Sessions Memory Boost:  Is your memory fading? Do you forget meetings with Russians you used to easily remember? Well just in time for the holiday season comes Jeff Sessions Memory Boost. Prevent those embarrassing moments when you have to say “I don’t remember” and those needless return trips to revise your testimony to Congress. Now all those dinners with Sergei come instantly to mind with the speed of WikiLeaks with Jeff Sessions Memory Boost.

Steve Mnuchin/Louise Linton Dollar Bill Toilet Paper:  Steve and Louise want to share the thrill of holding sheets of dollar bills this holiday season with Dollar Bill Toilet Paper.  Why should these rich bastards be the only ones to have the pleasure of holding sheets of money while after taking a crap all over America? After all, these guys have been wiping their asses with the Constitution for almost a year now.  You have to go, so why not enjoy the go by wiping yourself with Steve and Louise Dollar Bill Toilet Paper. Please do not attempt to spend after use.

Have a healthy and happy holiday shopping season and this year remember the men and women who put their lives on the line every day at Fox News to defend our right to say “Merry Christmas.” Happy Holidays everyone!

 

 

 

 

449

Well, this week we will celebrate Thanksgiving Day and what would it be without the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. This year will be featuring brand new balloons representing the most popular characters from the past year. No more Sponge Bob, Ronald McDonald or Underdog. Instead, we have a brand new lineup and the Clown Car is here to give you a sneak preview of the big parade. So here we go with the leadoff balloon…

…The Jeff Sessions Balloon: Remember the Elf on the Shelf? Well, step aside because there’s a new elf in town and it’s Attorney General Jeff Sessions. This balloon is the smallest in this year’s parade and by far the most confused. Listen carefully and you can hear him say over and over “I don’t remember, I don’t remember.”  He had ten handlers, all members of the Alabama Marching Ku Klux Klan. No Russians there, just pure white hooded Americans! And who is that coming right up on Jeff’s ass? Why it’s…

…The Donald Trump Balloon: The Pillsbury Dough Boy has nothing on this guy. But this big guy is orange is filled with over ten million cubic feet of colon gas produced from the farts of ten thousand volunteers at the local Kentucky Fried Chicken. And don’t let those tiny hands fool you. He has an executive order in one hand and a KFC bucket in the other. Watch out for leaks on this one, the smell would clear out Sixth Avenue. Now, what is that hovering over this balloon? Why it’s…

…The Russian Hookers Balloon: Look out! Here come the three Russian hookers each one containing full bladders of yellow liquid. Every time the Donald Trump balloon rolls over, the crowd is treated to a shower of golden liquid so realistic that Christopher Steele can’t tell the difference. And look who’s chasing the Russian hookers! It’s…

…The Roy Moore Balloon: Who else would you expect chasing Russian hookers but Judge Roy Moore. He has the Ten Commandments in one hand and where is that other hand? Well, we just don’t know but you might want to hide your daughters, dads. This balloon could be found now and until Christmas stalking girls at shopping malls all around Alabama. Well, help is on the way because here comes…

…The Jared Kushner Balloon: This balloon doesn’t do much but stand there and smile. If you listen closely, once in a while it will squeak, but it mostly just lays there with a stupid grin on his face. You can find this balloon in its permanent home on 666 Fifth Avenue and by the way, it’s for sale for the right amount of Rubles. And did someone say ‘Rubles’? Well, look out. here comes…

…The Donald Trump, Jr. Balloon: Yep, Donnie Jr. loves his Rubles and dirt on Hillary Clinton. Sad to say that this balloon will not be making it to the end of the parade because of a WikiLeak. And what would a Don, Jr. Balloon be without his brother,,,

…The Eric Trump Balloon: This one has a lot of air, but most of it is in its head. And hey, it’s moving in the wrong direction! And look out Eric, you are about to bump into…

…The Melania Balloon: She is dropping her high heels and putting on her flood sneakers and making a break for it. She appears to be waving goodbye to the Donald Sr balloon. Very realistic!

And now the finale of this year’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, what all the kids are waiting for, the big man himself. No, not Santa Clause! It’s Bob Muller, in a beautiful pinstripe suit surrounded by all his little helpers, the FBI elves. He is handing out subpoenas and his elves are putting the cuffs on all the Trump balloons. What a great finale to this parade and a great way to start the prosecution season. Happy Holidays all!

 

448

The International Olympic Committee, in a surprise development on Tuesday night, added a new sport to the upcoming Winter Olympics in South Korea next February.  The new event is called the “Long Distance Under the Bus Throw.”  Speaking from their headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland IOC President Dr Thomas Bach said the surprise move was inspired by Donald J. Trump’s record toss of Republican gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie under a bus all the way from Seoul, South Korea.  The toss occurred mere minutes after Virginia polls closed. “This was a historic throw, one for the record books,” Bach declared, “prompting the IOC to immediately name Mr Trump as the first qualifier in the new event.”

Tuesday’s under-the-bus toss by Mr Trump was a record 11,308 kilometres shattering the former record of 3,363 km also held by Mr Trump. That record was set on June 16, 2015, when during his announcement for the presidency of the United States, Mr Trump tossed the entire country of Mexico under the bus from New York City. As amazing as that toss was, Tuesday’s fete had jaws dropping from Bejing to Moscow. Russian president Vladimir Putin praised Trump not only for the distance but for the speed with which it was done. “When we first decided to sponsor Donnie we knew he was capable of throwing anyone under a bus! But this one was not only impressive for its distance, but for the speed. The polls had only closed for twenty minutes and he had the Gillespie person under the bus and put away.” Putin added. “He is more than we ever hoped for.”

This surprise decision by the IOC has Olympic fans all over the world looking forward to the February event with intense interest. Ashley Wagner, a Team USA figure skater can’t wait to get to Olympic Village in Pyeongchang. “Trump has us all excited, wondering who he will throw under the bus next year. We all have our favourites, but mine is that snobby Ivanka. I’d love to see her thrown as far under a bus as he can chuck her!” Meghan Duggan of the USA Women’s Hockey Team has another target in mind. “I have always fantasized about smacking Jared Kushner like a hockey puck into a goal post. I’m hoping Trump throws that smirking creep under the biggest bus he can find!” And the Team USA Women’s Bobsled team had yet someone else in their crosshairs. “I have an offer for Trump from our entire bobsled team,” said Jamie Poser, their pilot.  “If he would just toss that little lying twerp Jeff Sessions, he doesn’t even have to use a bus. We would be happy to finish him off with our bobsled!” 

But not everyone is happy about the IOC’s decision. Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell was quite rattled. The Leader told the Clown Car Update, “Mr Gillispie was one of us and to see him brutally thrown under a bus made that thing hanging from my chin quiver. After all, I have a wife within arms reach of that guy!” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was disappointed.  ” I’ve sat next to that guy and kept this stupid grin frozen on my face for an entire year. That is the world’s record. I really thought “Frozen Goofy Face” would be a natural for the Winter Olympics.”

Now Trump’s march to Olympic Gold is not absolutely certain. There is another member of the USA team that has been making a lot of heads turn this week. Bob Mueller, Special Prosecutor and chief rival of Trump’s may be a formidable challenge to him next year. Mueller has shown some talent of his own in recent weeks. Mueller’s coach told us, “He just threw three big ones under the bus and he’s just warming up.” He had this warning for Trump, “Don’t be surprised if next year Bob Mueller end up with the gold medal. And Trump has to be worried about that Russian judge!”

 

 

447

Well, well. The indictments were flowing faster this week than urine on Donald Trump’s bedsheets. But this time, it was the Oval Office taking the soaking and it was Bob Mueller peeing all over Donnie’s parade. The news that Trump’s foreign policy advisor George Popadopoulos was wearing a wire for the entire month of October had the West Wing thinking of who would be wearing an orange jumpsuit. And although he denied he had anything to worry about, he could smell the ink on the arrest warrant. So how do you know when your presidency is about to end. Well, here in the Clown Car Update have assembled for you the top ten ways Donald Trump knows he is about to be indicted:

10.  Ivanka has just started a new fashion line of GPS ankle bracelets.

9.   The Secret Service changed his codename to Prisoner 45.

8.   “Who is Donald Trump?” was the answer on Jeopardy to the question “He was the first President whose official portrait was a mug shot.”

7.   He found fingerprinting dust on his smartphone.

6.   There is feedback coming from Melania’s bra.

5.   Sean Spicer changed his Facebook status to “Witness Protection”.

4.   The White House barber just shaved his head.

3.   When questioned by the FBI, the staff referred to him as a “low-level staff member.”

2.   The FBI just ordered a pair of doll-sized handcuffs.

1.    Is that Melania sneaking down the fire escape?

But don’t worry Donnie, everything is going to be all right. Remember you said how you have the best people, you have the best brain, you have the best memory, and you have the best words. Well, Bob Mueller wants you to know that your winning streak is not over yet because he is going to make sure you have the best prison cell.

446

This week Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona gave a historic speech on the floor of the Senate to tell us something we didn’t know and something we knew for a very long time. First, he surprised us by announcing that he would not seek re-election in 2018. Then he told us the reason: Donald J. Trump is such a flaming asshole that no one but a total weasel could possibly support this man. All the weasels listened in shock, and then sat there kissing their photographs of Trump’s ass. But there was an even greater statement denouncing Trump that got a lot less attention, but here at the Clown Car Update, we have obtained a transcript of a speech given by none other than the God of the Old Testament.

People of Earth,

Yes, I know you screwed up before with Richard Nixon, The Jerry Springer Show, and thong underwear for men. But Donald Trump? Really? Didn’t you learn your lesson with The Hindenberg? Large bags of unstable gas are dangerous. And what you have done is take the Hindenberg, put it in the White House, and called it your president. At first, I thought it was my fault. I gave you free will and what do you come up with? The fucking Electoral College. I hope you realize that Ben Franklin came up with that after his kite was hit by lighting. Well, I tried to warn you in 2000 with Bush 43 and Florida but what did you fixate on? Hanging chads. Pathetic. Maybe I was too subtle.

So now I have no choice but to announce today that at the end of my term, I will resign as your god and leave you to figure out what to do with Donald Trump. This is your mess, you clean it up. All over the universe, the other gods are starting to talk. I can no longer stand by and watch a man who thought hookers pissing on bedsheets was a turn-on ruin my reputation. And Mike Pence here’s a little clue for you. Stop using my name and stop calling your wife “mother” or I will turn both of you into a cake at a gay wedding.

So this is goodbye. I could have done floods, fire, famine, or locust. But I think just leaving you in the hands of Steve Bannon is punishment enough. Oh, and by the way, a closing note to Bill O’Reilly: I heard your little tear fest. Stop blaming me for getting your dick stuck in your zipper. You should have hooked up with your friend Donny. I hear he has connections in Russia.

This is the word of the lord.

This week, four men of the president’s party offered impassioned warnings about the threat he poses to our democracy. Three of them did so in eloquent tones, one with stunning blunt force. “Trump may be setting the US on the path to World War III,” Sen. Bob Corker warned us.  We faced this prospect once before and that was 12 days in October of 1962 when there were steadier hands and cooler temperments at the helm of government. Stripped of any pretence of diplomacy, Sen. Corker described our current ruler in terms reminiscent of Alan Bennett’s classic film, “The Madness of King George :

I don’t think there’s any question that that’s the case, just in the way he conducts himself and goes to such a low level. I just — I do. The worst of it is going to be the whole debasing of our nation. I think that will be the contribution that hurts our nation most.

Corker’s words shocked reporters and fellow party members alike, while he described how the person sitting at the Resolute Desk is “utterly untruthful.”

In a speech given at the George W. Bush Institute, the former president for whom the institute is named gave a rousing rebuke of the dogma of Trumpism and its corrosion of our ideals:

Bigotry seems emboldened. Our politics seems more vulnerable to conspiracy theories and outright fabrication.We’ve seen nationalism distorted into nativism. We’ve seen our discourse degraded by casual cruelty. . . . the argument turns too easily into animosity.

It was strange to me that a man who was so reviled just a decade ago was now echoing the sentiments of so many of us who watch as our democracy comes under attack from the very people sworn to protect it.

Adding to this fugue of discontent was Sen. John McCain, who, at the Munich Security Conference in Germany issued this not-so-veiled warning about the current commander-in-chief

[The founders of the Munich conference] would be alarmed by an increasing turn away from universal values and toward old ties of blood and race and sectarianism. They would be alarmed by the hardening resentment we see towards immigrants and refugees and minority groups — especially Muslims. They would be alarmed by the growing inability — and even unwillingness — to separate truth from lies. They would be alarmed that more and more of our fellow citizens seem to be flirting with authoritarianism and romanticizing it as our moral equivalent.”

John McCain, not up for re-election and facing a life-threatening disease, felt free to express what he must have been feeling since last year, when his service to this country was desecrated by a man who hid from Vietnam behind a bone spur.

And then this week there was Sen. Jeff Flake who used the occasion of his retirement to make a historic speech. Fighting the headwinds of white grievance, his poll numbers in Arizona have dropped below typhoid. Suddenly he was like Tyrion Lannister of “Game of Thrones”. No one would take him seriously. So he took to the floor of the United States Senate and said this:

We must never regard as ‘normal’ the regular and casual undermining of our democratic norms and ideals. We must never meekly accept the daily sundering of our country — the personal attacks, the threats against principles, freedoms, and institutions, the flagrant disregard for truth or decency, the reckless provocations, most often for the pettiest and most personal reasons, reasons having nothing whatsoever to do with the fortunes of the people that we have all been elected to serve.

Everyone sat in awe as a sitting senator from the president’s own party said what he claimed all the others in the room were secretly whispering. The king was mad. But the rest sat silently as the words spilled from his lips for fear that the mad king had spies in the room and their heads would be next on the Twitter guillotine.

All these men come to the forefront of the resistance with a lot in common. They all dedicated their lives to the service of our country. They all have expressed in no uncertain terms the danger the current resident of the White House and his minions pose to the security of our country. They all have sounded an alarm that our democracy now depends on more voices coming forward. And they are all massive hypocrites.

Yes, each one of these four men was part of the architecture that the current administration built upon. George W. Bush stole an election in 2001, failed to heed the warnings in the days leading up to September 11, 2001, and involved us in two endless wars based on the lies and misdirection of the neo-cons he served.

John McCain, instead of putting America first, opted for political expediency by placing the dangerously unqualified Sarah Palin to be potentially a heartbeat away from the presidency. The result was a cascading adoration of stupidity by a segment of the electorate that resulted in the Tea Party.

As for Bob Corker, he was as recently as last year a sycophant so enamoured of the mad king that he was seriously considered as his running mate. It is hard to admire a man who sounds the alarm to alert us to a conflagration he helped ignite. But by then the fire was already into its fifth alarm.

And finally, there is Sen. Jeff Flake who, while admittedly an early critic, still found it in his heart to vote for the mad king’s agenda ninety-six percent of the time.  By the time his ideological fever broke, he had fed the beast the sustenance he needed to become stronger.

The thing that should frighten us most is this: Only in retreat did these men find the courage to admit that the king was mad. The Mad King watched from his tower as the battlefield, cleared of all men of integrity and became his, as the rest lay gifts and praise at his feet.

445

Recently, Sarah Huckabee Sanders started a little tradition at the daily press briefing to make her seem almost human. She walks out to the podium, then forms a twisted Cherrio with her mouth as her eyebrow critters float up and down like a broken lava lamp. Then she tries to charm the press with a letter from a child not living in Puerto Rico.  As always, the Clown Car Update felt compelled to fact check this letter and we found that surprise, Sarah hasn’t been completely honest with us.  So we rummaged through the White House dumpster and found some letters that Sarah chose not to share with us. So here are some of the letters Sarah deep-sixed:

Dear Mr President,

Hi. My name is Tommy and I live in Lincoln, Nebraska. I am eight years old and in the fourth grade and I voted for you in my class elections last year. I thought I would write you because I have a problem. I wet the bed sometimes. I heard that you like people that wet the bed a lot and sometimes even pay them to do it for you. My mother and father are planning to take me to Washington when school gets out, so I wondered if you would like for me to come and wet your bed in the White House. I saw on TV you paid some Russians to do that for you, but I would be happy to pee on your bed for free. Just let me know. Also, would you tell my mother that if you touched her she wouldn’t get leprosy from you like she tells all her friends.

Your friend,

Tommy

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Melissa and I am in the seventh grade and have a pet cat. His name is Donald, which I named after you because he is orange. I love Donald and he is a great cat but my parents want to get rid of him because he goes to the bathroom on the living room rug. I thought you would understand because I heard my parent say that you shit all over the country and they want to get rid of you too. I think we should be kind to animals like my cat who is sick. My parents tell everyone that you are sick, so I knew you would understand.

Hoping to be your friend,

Melissa

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Charlie and I am in first grade. I voted for you in my class election last year because I heard everyone say that you acted like you were in first grade too. I listened to all your speeches and my mother and father took me to one of your rallies. That is why I am writing you. A man had a tee shirt on that had “Grab ’em by the…” and before I could finish reading it, my mother put her hands over my eyes and took me outside, Could you please tell me what we are supposed to grab? Every time I ask my mother she puts a bar of soap in my mouth and won’t let me have my Xbox for a week. I want to be a good American and grab whatever you grab.

Thanks and don’t tell my mother I wrote you, cause she thinks your an asshole.

Thanks,

Charlie

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Hillary and I live in New York. I am no longer in school, but when I was I went to Wellesley College and Harvard Law School. You may not recognize those names because they are real universities. Anyway, while I was reading the very successful New York Times online this morning, I came across this interesting fact. I BEAT YOU BY THREE MILLION VOTES!

Eat that asshat!

HRC

 

444

This week, Donald Trump did some disgusting, horrible things. Well, I guess that describes every week since he was born, so let me be more specific. This week, The Orange Shitbag threatened the free press, the people of Puerto Rico, people who need health care, and the continuing existence of the planet Earth.  Sort of makes you look forward to next week doesn’t it? But specifically in health care, he announced a brand new plan that we will refer to as “OrangeCare”. Unlike the ACA, the levels of coverage are very specific. As a public service, the Clown Car Update lists the new Trumpcare levels below:

  • The Donald J. Trump Level: This plan covers the conditions of hand and penis dwarfism. It does not cover diagnostic tests such as colonoscopies as it assumes that you already have enough people crawling up your ass.
  • The Donald, Jr. Level: This covers Safari accidents and scalp infections due to excessive hair oil. It does not cover mental health conditions related to being the son of a famous asshole.
  • The Eric Trump Level: This level covers accidental death from tripping on your own feet, reading, or chocking on your own saliva. Eligibility requires a scoring 10 or lower on an I.Q. test and the inability to locate your own belly-button.
  • The Ivanka Trump Level: This plan covers any foot problems that result from wearing cheap Ivana Trump brand shoes. However, coverage is limited to domestic-made shoes only,  so this plan is not yet available in the United States.
  • The Ivana Trump Level: Nothing says YOU are the First Lady as having health coverage at this level. This policy is for first wives only and covers only cosmetic surgery including tummy tucks, chin reconstruction, and collagen injections. The plan does not cover pre-existing conditions such as Birthing Three Morons.
  • The Puerto Rico Level: This level is designed for people on land masses surrounded by water, specifically oceans, big, big oceans. Coverage is very limited because we cannot be with you forever.
  • The Alt-Right Level: This is mostly for patients who are hospitalized since it provides for unlimited coverage for white sheets.
  • The Bannon Level: This is all-inclusive coverage, however, you only have a 30% chance of having any claim approved.
  • Grim Reaper Level: Under this plan,  no health conditions are covered, but you are entitled to a $10.00 coupon toward an after funeral breakfast to Denny’s. The coupon, however, is only valid in Utah and cannot be combined with any other death coupons.

To enrol in any of these plans, you can go to Orangeshitcare.gov and enter your Social Security Number, date of expected death, and next of kin. The site is available for five minutes a day, one day a week which is not publicized. And remember, the enrollment period is limited to three days in October ending in “day”.  Oh, and Merry Fucking Christmas!