
Emergency medical teams were summoned to the United States Capitol Building on Monday when Maine Sen. Susan Collins collapsed in her office. She apparently became ill upon learning that both Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch reportedly lied to her when they were being considered for the Supreme Court. Politico reported on Monday that both voted to turn over Roe v. Wade according to a leaked draft of the decision. “Sen. Collins became very disoriented when she heard the report,” an aide to Collins said, “that is, more disoriented than usual.” EMTs at the scene attempted to calm the senator by showing her pictures of unicorns. “She always responded to unicorns,” a person close to Collins said, “but she seems to be losing faith in them recently.”
People with close ties to Sen. Collins, who wished to remain anonymous because they promised her they would never speak to reporters, told us that there were signs she was faltering even before Monday’s revelations on abortion rights. “She was becoming concerned that people were lying to her just to get her vote,” one close associate told the Clown Car Update. “After Donald Trump was impeached a second time she began to suspect that Donald Trump may have not learned his lesson after his first impeachment,” the source told us.
And as late as this past Christmas, sources told us, she began to have a crisis of faith. She reportedly told close associates that she suspected that the presents under her Christmas tree were put there by her husband and not Santa Clause. “This past Christmas was a tough one for her,” a friend told us, “and she even stopped leaving cookies and milk for Santa. It was so sad.”
In April, Sen. Collins had another setback when she attend the annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House grounds. A witness explained, “She was in shock after she saw what she claimed to be a person inside the Easter Bunny. Thankfully we got her back to her office and she recovered after we re-played the scene in Peter Pan when Tinker Bell came back to life.”
In a statement released by a spokesperson for Walter Reed Hospital, Sen. Collins is in stable condition after doctors told her that Roe v. Wade was not really dead but living on a farm in upstate New York.