The Clown Car Update for May 20, 2018

Being president is a very tough job. And being president without an accomplishment to show for over a year in office can be frustrating. Special counsels, porn stars, and being Eric’s father can lead to a very depressing life. Making matters worse, that black guy who was president before you got a Nobel Peace Prize and all you ever got was a subpoena.  Well, it doesn’t have to be that way, Mr. Trump because now from the “For Dummies” series of books comes “The Nobel Peace Prize for Dummies”. Each chapter will guide you step by step on how to go from fat slob to fat cat in just one easy-to-read book. The chapters include:

Chapter One: What’s a Nobel Anyway? Sure you’re a very stable genius, but you can’t possibly read everything (or anything). You don’t know Alfred Nobel from Alfred E. Newman. So this chapter walks you through the history of the Nobel prizes and famous idiots like you who never got one. The chapter includes basic information like where are Sweden and Norway?

Chapter Five: Does the Prize Money Have to be Laundered?  This chapter will put you at ease since all the money from the prize is legal and does not require a Non-Disclosure Agreement. No Russians, no porn stars, No Cohen, no laundering.

Chapter Eight: Does Size Matter?: You may be concerned about what Stormy Daniels said about your penis, but this chapter explains why size does not matter to the Nobel committee. Many examples of men with tiny penises who received the Nobel prize are demonstrated. And surprise, did you know that even women or foreigners can get them too?

Chapter Ten: Pay to Play. How to Bribe the Judges: It worked with the mob in Manhattan and it works with people in Oslo. Just write the checks payable to Essential Consultants LLC and treat the judges like you treat everyone you screw.

Chapter Eleven: You should be quite familiar with his chapter so you can skip it.

Chapter Thirteen: Receiving the Prize in Prison: Don’t let Mueller get you down, you can get indicted and convicted and still receive the Nobel prize. This chapter gives you tips on hiding the prize from the cellmate with the face tattoo and the gold bull hanging from his nose. Another tip, you may be able to trade the prize for Happy Meals.

Chapter Fifteen: You Won the Prize, Now What?: Well, you’re in Oslo and we have pissing hookers too! Enjoy!

Chapter Eighteen: Is Nobel Peace Prize Waterproof?:  Yes. This is an important chapter especially if you plan to visit Oslo’s fine brothels for a refreshing Golden Shower. Wear the award around your neck or better yet, let the girls use it to give you a proper spanking! Let the streams flow freely,  confident that your award comes with a urine-proof coating.  It’s dishwasher safe and our legal experts tell us it’s subpoena-proof.

And if you like “The Nobel Peace Prize for Dummies” try our other self-help books, “North Korea Negotiations for Dummies”,  “McDonald’s Drive-Thru for Dummies”, and our ever-popular “Russian Collusion for Dummies”. And remember, Mr. Trump, you may win a Nobel Peace Prize, but as everyone knows, you will always be a dummy!

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for May 13, 2018

It seems like a year ago that Trump’s own legal team leaked a list of questions that were allegedly proposed by Robert Mueller.  It turned out that the questions were actually written by Trump’s own attorney,  Jay Sekulow in an attempt to scare Trump into backing down from an interview with the Special Counsel’s office. However, what was missing were the questions we at the Clown Car want to be answered. To remedy that situation, we prepared a list of questions we at the Clown Car Update would like Trump to answer:

At what point did you determine that being orange was an attractive look?

Have you ever watched “Orange Is the New Black”?

Did you ever misrepresent the size of your wealth or penis to get women to sleep with you?

When Stormy Daniels spanked you, did you wet yourself?

When Stormy Daniels spanked you, did she injure Devin Nunes?

Boxers, briefs, or very briefs?

After you had sex with Stormy Daniels, did she assist you in locating your penis afterward?

Here is a picture of Russian hookers performing a golden shower. Can you identify the fat bald guy sitting under the shower?

You claim to be a germaphobe. How do you account for Steven Miller?

Have you ever had sex with a Big Mac, Kentucky Fried Chicken leg, or Fish Fillet sandwich?

Did you disclose the receipt of gifts from your Happy Meals?

When you were with Rudy Giuliani in drag, did you ever grab his fake boobs or slip him the tongue? 

Have you ever masturbated to pictures of real billionaires?

Did you ever have a sexual relationship with Vladimir Putin? Jared Kushner? Ice Cream?

How much do you weigh? Are you willing to step on a scale for us?

Did you try to force AG Sessions to resign by threatening to burn down his tree?

Did you ever threaten AG Sessions with elficide?

Do you buy your suit pants at Duluth Trading Company?

Did you really think TY Cobb was Colonel Sanders?

Is it true that your staff wear raincoats when Rudy Giuliani is giving a presentation?

Have you ever tried penis enhancement products? Why do you think they don’t work for you?

Did you ever claim shrinkage? If so, was it to Rudy Giuliani?

 Can you touch your toes? When is the last time you have seen your penis?

Your hair flap, Super Glue or Flex tape?

Dr. Harold Bornstein: Real or a muppet?

On the Montreal Cognitive Test, is it true you could not identify your daughter Tiffany?

Of course, these are only a partial list. Many questions are still unanswered like where did Eric come from? What is your hair made of? Has Rudy Giuliani lost his mind or is he a military experiment gone bad? And the question of the year, do you prefer a striped or orange jumpsuit?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for May 6, 2018

Last Wednesday night the residents of Fox Nation were shocked to hear Rudy Guiliani, former New York mayor, and current American Dental Association poster-boy for poor dental hygiene, break the news to them of what all Americans with most of their teeth already knew: Donald Trump is a liar. Yes, Trump, through his attorney and favorite cuck, Michael Cohen, actually paid Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about their affair, something most women who had sex with Trump would be happy to do for free. But as always, Rudy made other claims on various Fox News shows that were destroyed before they aired. But as always, the Clown Car Update got the tapes and they are bombshells.

Tupac Shakur and the Notorious B.I.G. murders:

Rudy claimed on “Justice with Judge Janine” that it was Donald J. Trump who authorized Michael Cohen to arrange the drive-by shootings of both hip-hop artists but said that both were perfectly legal because he never really knew if Michael actually arranged those particular murders.  According to Rudy, Donald gave Cohen a retainer fee every month to take care of such things as killing hip-hop artists and paying off porn stars he may have slept with. Rudy explained that such arrangements are routine with lawyers and he had similar arrangements with his clients. In fact, he is working on a “case” for Kanye West right now concerning Charlamagne Tha God.

Tylenol Poisonings

In late September/early October 1982, seven Chicago-area people died from popping Tylenol pills laced with cyanide. On “Fox and Friends” this week, Rudy Guiliani said he can now reveal new facts in the case. According to Rudy, Donald Trump was planning to market his own pain reliever under the brand name “Trumpinol.” Knowing that Tylenol had a corner on the market, Trump paid a then sixteen-year-old Michael Cohen to lace some bottles of Tylenol with cyanide at a drug store where he worked part-time as a stocking clerk.  Trump funneled the money through a mail slot in the door of a Rite-Aid. Rudy explained that this was all perfectly legal because it was an official U.S. Postal Service mail slot. Also, it is common practice for lawyers for famous or wealthy people to hire young high-school kids to poison people and as a matter of fact, Rudy is working on a similar case for Kim Kardashian.

The Nicole Brown/Ron Goldman Double Murder

I know what you are thinking, we know who did this one. But do you? Well, in an interview on Sean Hannity’s radio show, Rudy explained what really happened and laid some facts on Sean. As Guiliani explained, it was a simple real estate deal and that was it. He was arranging to buy O.J. Simpson’s house for some Russian oligarch and things just got crazy.  Apparently, Nicole was holding out for more money. Trump funneled money to a then young personal injury attorney Michael Cohen who Trump knew from his Tylenol poisoning days. Trump had been sending Cohen thirty-five thousand dollars since the Tylenol misunderstanding to keep him quiet and as a retainer. Well, Donald told Michael to take care of things at the Simpson home. Trump was unaware of what Michael Cohen did. All Trump was told was that he left a pair of gloves at the scene. All totally innocent, Rudy said. In fact, he took care of things like this all the time for clients. In fact, he is working on a similar case for Donald Jr against his wife in the divorce case. Stay tuned on that one.

The Kennedy Assassination

This was the strangest admission of all. On the Tucker Carlson Show, Rudy revealed that a seventeen-year-old Donald Trump was sending periodic retainers of thirty-five thousand dollars to Michael Cohen’s mother in anticipation that she would give birth to him three years after the assassination. It was all for perfectly legitimate opposition research on Rafael Cruz, the father of Ted Cruz. Trump paid Mrs. Cohen to take pictures of Raphael Cruz having breakfast with Lee Harvey Oswald. According to Guiliani, this is all legitimate oppo research, unlike the kind that was done by crooked Hillary. Rudy said he did things like this all the time for clients. In fact, he has worked on similar oppo research for U.S. Grant who claims his opponent Horatio Seymour’s father was involved in the Lincoln assassination.

These are only a few of the stunning revelations Rudy Guiliani made in his attempt to distance Donald Trump from some of the more salacious charges lodged against him. However, there still remain questions about some of Trump’s most notorious crimes, not the least of which was fathering Eric.

 

The Clown Car Update for April 29, 2018

Lawyers, if you ever had a client like Donald J. Trump, you know the value of silence. But between his Twitter account and phone line to Fox and Friends, it’s hard to get him to shut up. But just in time for Trump’s new legal team comes Pie Hole Duct Tape. Pie Hole Duct Tape has so many uses you will never run out of ideas. Does Trump want to call Fox and Friends this morning? Well, just apply Pie Hole Duct Tape to his mouth and all they hear are muffled rambling. They will never notice the difference! And how about those early morning Tweets? For those occasions try Twitter Thumbs Duct Tape and securely tape his thumbs to his wrist for a secure hold even on his most angry mornings. With his thumbs taped to his wrist, he can’t hold a phone. In fact, he can’t even hold a chicken leg. So get Pie-Hole Duct Tape and the companion Twitter Thumb Duct Tape and be a lawyer who can sleep at night again.

Now this week, as Donald Trump’s legal problems piled up, he reached out for additional representation. A desperate search by his legal team ended after being turned down by the law firm of Chargum, Lotts, and Moore. In desperation, the president was about to name Kanye West to his legal team when Rudy Giuliani announced that he would come to the rescue.  He promptly began negotiations with Robert Mueller but had to deliver some bad news. What bad news did Rudy deliver to Trump?  Here are the top ten things Donald J. Trump does not want to hear from his attorneys:

10.  “We are going to have to bill you by the lie”

9.   “One of your attorneys hired an attorney and now he needs an attorney”

8.   “The FBI just raided Ronnie Jackson’s office and took the scale”

7.  “Vladimir sold the pee-pee tape on eBay to a bidder named MuellerFBI”

6.  “Donald Jr and Eric just flipped”

5.  “They subpoenaed your MacDonald’s drive-through records”

4.  “That Easter Bunny was an FBI agent”

3.  “Macrone has the bedsheets”

2. “Avenatti just called with an offer and we’re going to work for him!”

1.  “Melania’s hat was wired”

 

 

The Clown Car Update for April 22, 2018

Thursday night, under pressure from the House Intelligence Committee, the Department of Justice released the famous “Comey Memos”. And without taking their lips off Trump’s ass for even a breath of air the republican’s on the committee were leaking faster than a Russian hooker.  The memos were heavily redacted and left out some “juicy” details to the imagination. Let’s just say they whet your appetite. Well, imagine no more because the Clown Car Update team has obtained the unredacted versions of the memos and they are real pissers. I would like to caution our readers that these memos are not office or child appropriate, so take appropriate measures and put on your golden shower caps!

Memo #1:

January 6, 2017

I executed the meeting just as I had planned. I told him I wanted to speak to him about a report written by Christopher Steele and paid for by [Mike Pence] and that the report was [uploaded by mistake to a popular porn site]. In the report, Mr. Steele claimed that the Russians had a videotape of him in a Moscow hotel room with five hookers.  On the tape, [the hookers peed on his mattress while Stormy Daniels spanked him in his underwear.]  I told him there were a lot of other allegations, but he seemed most interested in the tape. He asked me if [you could see him clearly or was there wiggle room for him to deny this to Melania].  I told him that I hadn’t seen the tape myself but the entire Intelligence Community and Sen. John McCain have [been using it at office parties since last July]. I told him I wasn’t saying that the tapes were authentic but he seemed obsessed with one aspect of them asking several times [did my penis look like I had shrinkage?]. We agreed to discuss this further in [Scott Pruitt’s soundproof booth]

Memo #2

January 28, 2017

I had dinner with the president in [Pruitt’s soundproof booth] at 6:30 PM. There were two servers who I had a chance to chat with. They were retired Navy submariners and we had a fun discussion about [Trump’s tiny hands].  The president talked non-stop about a number of topics then brought up the dossier. He said he wanted me to investigate the peepee tape because there was a [99%] chance Melania would absolutely believe he would do such a thing. Also, he asked me if I could investigate the incident and  [remove any DNA evidence from bedsheets].  I said that would not be a good idea so he asked if I would at least consider [taking a look at the sheets and give him any stain removal tips]. I declined and we finished dinner. He suggested that my family come for dinner sometime. He thought maybe then [he might ask my wife how to get the stains out]. We shook hands and I used hand sanitizer when I got into my car.

Memo #3

February 8, 2017

I went to the White House for a 4 PM “meet and greet” with Reince Priebus. As I sat there waiting in the West Wing lobby, Mike Flynn stopped by and sat down and we chatted about [how an orange clown like Trump could ever get elected]. There was no mention by either of us about [the time we watched the peepee tape together]. Then Rience’s assistant took me into the Chief of Staff’s office.  We discussed a variety of subjects including how the [hell a nitwit like Trump] ended up in the [White House]. He then asked me if I could assure him that [he could maybe get a copy of the peepee tape] so he could [have some job security]. I said that would have to go through proper channels, specifically the [Kremlin]. Before I left Reince took me in to say hello to the president. He was speaking with Sean Spicer who was introduced as the White House [Easter Bunny].  The president then brought up the “golden shower” thing and once again asked if I could find out [how to get pee stains out of a bedsheet]. I said I could not and departed.

*Publication of these memos has been cleared by our legal department using the Sean Hannity method which is throwing ten bucks at a lawyer we met in a bar so all this is covered by attorney-client privilege.

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for April 15, 2018

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Soup. Soup who? Souprise, motherfucker! That’s the greeting Trump’s personal lawyer and prime ass-pimple, Michael Cohen received on Monday morning as he began his work week of paying off porn stars and burning underwear. As the news unfolded, panic spread in the West Wing and the Oval Office itself. What was in the piles of documents, cell phones, computers, and empty Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets that may produce evidence of a crime? As always, the Office of Special Prosecutor was silent about the raid, but the Clown Car Update was able to obtain a partial list of items taken from Mr. Cohen’s office. The items include:

• Exhibit 1:  A rolled up magazine used by Stormy Daniels to spank Donald Trump along with a pair of spanking-worn underwear in size 52.
• Exhibit 2:  Stained sheets and blankets from the Moscow Ritz Carleton Hotel along with a videotape marked “Donald Takes a Shower”.
• Exhibit 3:  An audio recording of Stormy Daniels describing Donald Trump’s penis as “a dead slug in a saucer of beer.”
• Exhibit 4:  Trump wigs made of pubic hairs
• Exhibit 5: Paul Ryan’s spine which forensic experts estimate the was removed sometime after November 8, 2016.
• Exhibit 6: Fred Trump’s hood and sheet collection.
• Exhibit 7: Thousands of unsold “Trump University” pennants saying “Trump University, Go Pricks!”
• Exhibit 8:  A shoebox filled with love letters marked “Poody Porn”.
• Exhibit 9:  A case of Billy Bush “Tic Tacs” from the Access Holywood bus used for inappropriate and unwanted kissing.
• Exhibit 10: DNA evidence proving that Sean Hannity was cloned from a polyp removed from Donal Trump’s colon in 1961.
• Exhibit 11: A video by this year’s Easter Bunny claiming that Trump was fondled his cottontail at the annual Easter Egg Roll. An NDA and a 130,000 carrot payout were included.
• Exhibit 12: The Stormy Daniels DVD Box Set featuring a patriotic dedication by David Dennison.

This is just a small sample of the voluminous material taken from Cohen’s office that included documents, tapes, cell phones, and sex toys.  Needless to say, Michael Cohen’s lawyer Stephen Ryan, called the raids “inappropriate and unnecessary” and complained that investigators seized privileged records, to which Robert Mueller replied, “SAYS WHO?!?!”

 

 

The Clown Car Update for April 8, 2018

The Trump Administration has ordered two thousand National Guard troops to the Delaware border to stop a caravan of Amazon.com shoppers from getting their orders free of sales tax. Responding to a segment he saw on “Fox and Friends” Sunday morning, Trump tweeted “Delaware is doing very little, if not NOTHING, at stopping people from ordering stuff through their Amazon Prime accounts and having them shipped to their homes in by using the US Postal System. They laugh at our dumb postal laws that use the Post Office like it was a delivery service. They must stop the big merchandise and book flows, or I will stop their cash cow, NAFTA. NEED WALL AROUND AMAZON.”  In a later tweet, Trump emphasized his frustration with the situation tweeting “These large “caravans” of people are taking advantage of Amazon Prime Days sales and want into the act. MUST STOP JEFF BEZOS!”

Trump’s tweetstorm and National Guard order can be traced to a commercial that aired between “Fox and Friends” segments and enraged the president according to two sources who spoke on condition of anonymity because they have Amazon Prime accounts. According to the sources, the president awoke to his usual breakfast of McDonalds Sausage Burritos and hashbrowns and became so upset that he never finished his Sausage McGriddle Meal. He immediately called Director of Homeland Security Kirstjen M. Nielsen who held a press conference on Monday.

At her press conference, Secretary Nielsen said that Jeff Bezos is causing a crisis at the Delaware border by offering free shipping until April 30.  She indicated that the threat will be meet with the full force of the United States military. We asked her how much having boots on the ground will cost. “That depends on Amazon. We are insisting that they pay for the boots. I ordered them from Amazon to take advantage of the free shipping.”

Jeff Bezos, founder, and CEO of Amazon fired back. “This is an attack on democracy and free enterprise and we intend to respond in kind. We have ordered our distribution centers that effective immediately we will start delivery by drone!”  After Bezos’ comments, Trump swiftly tweeted, “I have drones and my drones are bigger than Little Amazon Jeff’s!”

And the conflict has rattled the markets. Fear of a drone war and loss of free shipping has caused panic buying on Amazon. “The orders are coming in faster than Trump can down a KFC family bucket,” Bezos told us,  “and orders are up for everything except Ivanka’s shoes.” Public reaction to the president’s attacks on the “caravan” and Amazon has been harsh and swift.  Of two hundred million customer reviews on Trump’s presidency, he has earned an average rating of one-half a star. When asked if they would recommend Trump to a friend, 99% of customers said “NO!” One customer commented, “I voted for Trump but when he arrived I was disappointed. The packaging was shabby and he had a strange urine odor about him. I will be returning him in November.”

 

 

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for March 25, 2018

You can’t possibly handle your life as president of the United States and all the other things that come with being Donald J. Trump. Dealing with special prosecutors, Playboy Bunnies, porn stars, and women you sexually assaulted can clutter up your day. And let’s face it, you have more to worry about like North Korea, Iran, and whether your urine sample is sitting in Vladimir Putin’s vault. That’s where we come in. We are LegalSleeze.com and we will take care of all that messy legal stuff.

Here at LegalSleeze.com, we have a full range of legal services that are tailored for the president with an active sex life.  Don’t piss your time away on legal worries when we can piss it away for you. Here are some of the legal services we can provide:

• Non-disclosure agreements: Whether you are screwing a porn star or just grabbing women by their genitals, you are going to want their silence and non-disclosure agreements are the way to go. Don’t let your sexual conquests come back to bite you on your orange ass. Our NDA’s are easy to fill out and don’t even require you to sign them or use your real name.
• Clandestine payouts: Your non-disclosure agreement is no good without a hefty hush money payout, and at LegalSleeze.com we have the experts to guide you through the process. Whether it’s Rubles, Dollars, or simply a physical threat, we make this as easy as when you laundered all that money.  And the best part, your lawyer won’t have to get a home equity loan!
• Shell Corporation Setup: You can make a secret payout as quietly as a hooker pissing on a mattress by setting up the payment with a shell corporation.  Paying hush-money without setting up a shell corporation is like having unprotected sex. It may feel easier at the time, but the burning sensation may come later.
• Conspiracy Theories: Sometimes a good legal strategy isn’t what you need. That’s where a great conspiracy theory comes in. Move over Joe diGenova! “deep state” and “secret FBI cabals” have nothing on us. Try our templates for “aliens forced me to have sex”  and “the Russian hookers were FBI agents”. And they are easy to fill out. Even an illiterate who can’t spell “counsel” can complete the forms.
• Aliases: If you absolutely have to put your name on a document, you certainly don’t want it to be your real name. John Barron, John Miller, and David Dennison are really getting old. Here at LegalSleeze.com, we have the largest inventory of fake names in the world, like Mike Littoris, Dick Hurtz, and Redd P. Ness just to name a few.

So before you spend a pile of cash on some white shoe legal firm, try our shitty boot firm first. And if things don’t work out, try our sister website, PrisonLife.com. We can prepare you for your new life working in the prison laundry with Pauly “Walnuts”. And remember, at LegalSleeze.com we are just like you, Mr. President. We’re sleezy!

The Clown Car Update for March 18, 2018

How often has this happened to you? You’ve been indicted in Virginia and you have to wear an ankle bracelet.  Then, you get a call from your local Special Prosecutor that he has thirty-two more counts to charge you with. No problem,  you think,  because I already have my ankle bracelet. And then he drops the bomb on you.  The new charges ARE IN ANOTHER JURISDICTION! What do you do now? D.C. has one ankle bracelet and Virginia has another and neither one matches those new yellow jumpsuits. With two ankle bracelets, you will never match accessories. What color socks, what color shoes, what color cuffs? The list goes on until you don’t want to leave your house anymore even though you are not allowed to anyway.  Well, the Clown Shopping Network has great news. For the next hour, we are offering the newest fashion trend from Ivanka Trump, the Paul Manafort Limited Edition Diamond Ankle Bracelet Collection.

Now is your chance to serve your house arrest in style and not have to worry about accessorizing.  Each pair of Paul Manafort Ankle Bracelets is made of eighteen karat gold with only the most perfect war diamonds sold on the Russian black market. But that’s not all. These handsome matching bracelets are smart and Wi-Fi ready so you can receive all your phone, email, and text messages directly from your Russian handlers or whoever may be trying to reach you from Ukraine. And don’t worry about your cellular carrier, because these ankle bracelets are already JAILBROKEN!

The Manifort Ankle Bracelet supports all your favorite apps like Twitter so you don’t have to miss a single tweet from Donald as he describes you as a low-level coffee boy in two hundred and eighty characters. And such a comfortable fit, you will hardly know you have them on. With the easy slip-on clasp, you are buttoned up and ready for an entire day of hoping for a pardon from the president.

If you don’t believe these are the greatest ankle bracelets you will ever own, just listen to this testimonial from “Pharm Bro” Martin Shkreli who purchased these fabulous bracelets for the full retail price:

These ankle bracelets are worth every penny. if I owned this company, I would be charging you fifty times the price just like I did with life saving drugs!

If you call the Clown Shopping Network within the next fifteen minutes, we can offer these fashionable, perfectly matched ankle bracelets for the unbelievable low price of $149.95 plus court costs. And if you call now, we will throw in an additional gift, a Tiffany Trump sterling silver frame to perfectly display your indictment for all your family and friends to see. And all our Paul Manafort Limited Edition Diamond Ankle Bracelets come with our “Plea for Free Guarantee”.  If for any reason you decide to enter into a plea agreement you can return your bracelets for a full refund.  Just flip it back as easily as when you flipped when facing life in prison.

So call now. Our friendly FBI agents are standing by to take your sworn statements.  And be sure to stay tuned for our next hour when the Clown Shopping Network will be offering special savings on prison-themed accessories because as Robert Mueller says, we’re just getting started!

The Clown Car Update for March 11, 2018

The past few weeks have seen some high profile departures from the White House including Gary Cohn, Rob Porter, and possibly Melania. Reports have indicated that they are having problems filling positions, a rumor that Trump denies. But the Clown Car has learned that the White House has turned to a professional staffing company that is tailored to the president’s tastes. So welcome to Donald Trump’s “Zipper Recruiter” offering opportunities to work with the president, mostly under the table. Here are some opportunities you may be interested in:

Chief-of-the-Staff:
Primary Purpose:  To coördinate the usage of the President’s staff.
Nature of the Work: Reporting directly to the Assistant to the President for Affairs. You and will ensure that the president’s staff is ready at a moments notice in case of Stormy day. Although the president’s staff is very small, it requires constant stroking to keep it up and running.
Job Requirements: Extensive experience in using magnifying equipment and use of tweezers is essential. A degree in microbiology is helpful, but not necessary. Must have soft hands.
Salary: Tips only.

Assistant to the President for Affairs:
Primary Purpose: Arrange and supervise the president’s affairs.
Nature of the Work: Works directly with the Chief-of-the-Staff to coördinate Mr. Trump’s affairs. The job requires driving a golf cart and ensuring that no DNA evidence is left behind on the bed after the president’s visit. Must be willing to tell “white lies” to Melania and hide details of affairs from the special prosecutor.
Job Requirements: Must possess a passport for possible travel to Russia or Slovenia in the event the president requires a new wife.
Salary:  Fifty thousand Rubles per year and one case of Trump Vodka.

Ultraviolet Wand Intern
Primary Purpose:  This is a temporary one year position learning the use of an ultraviolet wand to search for DNA evidence.  Works directly with the Assistant to the President for Affairs in cleanup operations.
Job Requirements:  Must supply your own rubber gloves and breathing filters.
Salary: There is no remuneration for this position but think of the book deals!

Porn Star
Primary Purpose:  To provide sexual favors to Mr. Trump in the event the president’s wife has another child or turns forty.
Job Requirements:  Must have a large bladder and be a self-starter. Will work directly under the president in many positions, but mainly as a missionary.  May be asked to take pictures of his junk and must be willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Salary:  Compensation is on a job by job basis along with a tiny tip.

Non-Disclosure Strategist
Primary Purpose:  To come up with fake names to put in non-disclosure agreements between the president and porn stars.  Past names have been Dick Redd, P.P. TIny, and Dick Hurtz.
Job Requirements:  Must be creative and be able to pay out of pocket expenses such as hush money and setting up fake shell companies. Speaking of shells, you must be a shell of a human being to work in this job.
Salary:  In-kind reimbursement, but don’t count on it.

Now that is just a sampling of the many openings now available in the Trump White House. If you don’t see anything you like, keep in mind that openings are developing every day as more and more staff are indicted. Go to Zipperrecruiter.com/PP and if you work at this White House for six months or more, you will receive guaranteed federal housing for between ten and thirty years underwritten by the Office of the Special Council. So whether you are an out of work stripper or just enjoy a golden shower now and then, do what hundreds of porn stars and Playboy Bunnies have done and check out Trump’s “Zipper”!