Archive for the ‘New Post’ Category

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The Life and Times of Brett Gump

(as told by Brett Gump at his Senate hearing)

Hello. My name is Brett Gump. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me beer. I grew up in rural Maryland and I lived in a nice house with my mom and dad, who kept a calendar that I will get to later. But that’s not the reason I am here today. I am here today to shout and cry about what a good boy I’ve been all my life, which was very hard but very interesting.

First, I love sports, especially running. I run fast, especially from my past. Not that my past was bad, because I knew interesting people. There was Squee, Biff, PJ, and my best friend, Bubba. Oh, and Elvis Presley. Yes, he liked to sing and I taught him how to play the guitar. I know that sounds like a lie, but you can’t prove it because he’s dead and the FBI has no way of investigating that. Like I was saying, I loved sports. I loved my friends, especially Bubba, and we all loved and respected girls, especially the one I mentioned in my yearbook, which was definitely not a sexual reference because I didn’t even know what sex was until after Yale Law School when I first met Ken Starr and Alex Kosinski. We called it the  “Devil’s Triangle!”

Back in high school, I loved to lift weights and run, especially with Bubba when we ran to pick up a keg. After a workout, sometimes we would meet at PJ’s house for skis. That’s short for “brewskis.” “Brewskis” is a funny word for beer. I liked beer, I still like beer. Do you like beer? Beer is the fruit of the keg. Anyway, like I was saying, Bubba would always tell us all the ways to drink beer. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, beer-kabobs, beer creole, beer gumbo. Pan fried beer, deep-fried beer, stir-fried beer. There’s pineapple beer, lemon beer, coconut beer, pepper beer, beer soup, beer stew, beer salad, beer and potatoes, beer burger, beer sandwich. Oh, and you can “boof” it. That- that’s about it.

I remember these things because I always kept a calendar, just like my father. Like my father always said, “life is like a calendar, you never know what you’re gonna get!” I never knew what that meant because you did know because the calendar has the number of the days on it. But I kept one anyway to remember all the things we did, except assaulting girls, which we never did because we respected them and again, I never knew about sex until Ken Starr. That’s how I know that all the women accusing me of assault are lying because if it was true, it would be on my calendar, which it is not.

I worked my butt off to get into Yale. I got in on my own because I never knew anyone there, except my grandfather but he is dead so the FBI can’t interview him.  I never met any girls at Yale. I was too busy playing sports, going to church, and doing my projects. One of my favorite projects was hanging pictures of Donald Trump the real estate tycoon on my dorm room wall. I always admired Donald Trump. Also his name rimes with Gump which is kinda nice.

Anyway, I guess because I got my law degree from Yale without ever having sex, I finally met President Trump who gave me a Supreme Court nomination, which is why I am here today. Also here today is my wife and my two lovely daughters who I have no idea where they came from because my wife and I never had sex. In closing, that is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing that the FBI will be allowed to investigate. Thank you!

 

 

 

 

490

Panic attacks. We all have them. Sometimes they are triggered by small events, like running late for an appointment or being laughed at by the General Assembly of the United Nations. But sometimes a panic attack can really upset your life, like when it looks like your Supreme Court nominee just had a nervous breakdown on live television. For those moments when you need something really effective to pull you out of your funk, the Clown Car Update introduces Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls.

Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls are made of the finest industrial all American tariff protected U.S. stainless steel that delivers strong,  safe and dependable pearl-clutching each and every time. Just drape these attractive pearls around your neck the next time you think you will have a hissy-fit during a network interview or a melt-down during a Senate confirmation hearing. Instead of wearing those bulky depends for when you lose your shit like Orrin Hatch, just clutch your pearls and let the world know that you’re just OK with putting a sexual predator on the Supreme Court. And for those times that the anger gets really hot, our Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls come in EPA approved asbestos.

And don’t take our word for it, just listen to our spokesperson, Senator Lindsay Graham about the benefits of wearing his clutching pearls:

Whenever someone would mention avoiding a war or that President Trump might not let me kiss his ass at the golf club that weeken d, I would hyperventilate until my BFF John McCain had to rock me to sleep. But now, with my patented Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls, I feel confident that President Trump loves me and that wars will last forever!

Just listen to these real-life Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearl users:

The fact that I am a sexual predator and an evil white entitled bastard was about to sink my Supreme Court nomination. Then I got a set of Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls and I was able to scream, yell, and cry my way onto the court. Thanks Lindsay! – Brett Kavenaugh

All I wanted was to be a cranky old republican and be able to let out gas whenever I wanted without the women on my committee acting like I did something horrable. But with Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls, I just grab on and tell those bitches to get off my lawn! – Chuck Grassley

So order Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls right now at the low, low price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling. And if you order in the next thirty minutes, we will include our free self-help pamphlet “How to Scream and Cry Your Way On To the Supreme Court”, a one-hundred dollar value absolutely free.

Lindsay Graham Clutching Pearls, for those times you just want to say, “Fuck you, America, I’m white, I’m male, and I just want my way!”

 

 

489

Disclaimer: The following fairytale is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to presidents currently in office or adult film stars with a brand new tell-all book is entirely intentional.

The Princess and the Mushroom

There once was a princess named Stormy. Princess Stormy lived in a beautiful castle and loved to make movies about her and her friends having fun playing with each other, or sometimes just playing with herself. Her kingdom was vast but there was one place she was never allowed to go: The Smelly Swamp of the Orange Ogre! The Orange Ogre lived in a big white house deep in the swamp and had a voracious appetite. There were many stories told throughout the kingdom of the Orange Ogre eating entire Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants with the people still in them. His hair was wild and made of poison ivy and his ass was so big some said it could crush a Toyota.

One day, while Princess Stormy was strolling through her garden she heard a voice call out to her. As she drew nearer to the edge of the Smelly Swamp she heard the Orange Ogre calling her name. As she listened, he told her a story of how big and strong he was and all about his magic mushroom. As Princess Stormy peered into the darkness of the swamp, she realized that he smelled like a rotting Egg McMuffin. Although the princess had seen many mushrooms in her own kingdom, she wondered what could be so magic about the Orange Ogre’s mushroom.

The Orange Ogre led Princess Stormy to his white house and into his bedroom. “What are we here for?”, the princess asked.  “I want to show you something,” the ogre responded, “something really special.” With that, the ogre whipped out his magic mushroom. “WOW!”, the princess yelled, “that is one strange looking mushroom. It has a weird looking head and it’s much smaller than the mushrooms I’ve seen in my kingdom. And it’s bent!” “Do you want to touch it?” the ogre asked. But the princess hesitated. “What about your wife Melanie the Ogre Lady? Would she like me touching your mushroom?” But the ogre just smiled. “Oh, don’t worry about her. She hasn’t touched my mushroom in ten years. Besides, no one will ever know if you touch it. The princess still hesitated but then she had an idea. “Maybe before I touch your mushroom we can cover it with something.” But the Orange Ogre insisted she touch it uncovered. Reluctantly, she agreed.

After playing with the ogre’s mushroom for a few minutes, the princess became very bored. “This is the worst time I’ve ever had playing with a mushroom. In my kingdom, the mushrooms are much larger and don’t flop over like an old french fry.”  The ogre was disappointed but tried to convince the princess to come back again. So he promised if she did, he would give her a big job in the swamp. But since the princess already had everything she wanted, including the best and biggest mushrooms in the kingdom, she declined.

Weeks later, the princess received a letter from the Orange Ogre threatening that if she ever told anyone about his limpy mushroom, Michael of Cohen would turn her into a penniless peasant. But Princess Stormy had a powerful army led by Sir Michael of Avenatti and he struck down Michael of Cohen and exposed their plot. With that, the ogre’s wife Melanie kicked him out of the swamp and sued for all his property. Penniless, he had to surrender to the Sherriff of Mueller and has been sentenced to a federal dungeon far from the swamp where he was forced to eat salads for the rest of his life.

The moral of the story: Orange Ogres with tiny mushrooms should never try to screw a princess!

488

Just six-hundred and five days into his presidency and Donald J. Trump, aka John Barron, aka John Miller, aka Keith Davidson, aka The Piss Bandit, has hit another milestone. As of Thursday, September 13, he has told over five thousand lies. That is an average of over eight lies a day! And worse, in the last nine days, he has been averaging a whopping thirty-two lies per day according to the Washington Post fact checker.

In addition to being a threat to democracy, the Center for Disease Control is now warning that Trump’s constant lies can be affecting your health. According to the CDC, two in three Americans are now victims of a new hearing condition called Bi-polar Unrelenting Lugubrious Lobal SHrill Intransigent Trumpitis or B.U.L.L.Sh. I.T. Unfortunately, if you are a victim of Trump induced BULLSHIT, there is currently no cure. But here at the Clown Car Update, we have good news. You can now ease the effects of Trump BULLSHIT with our new BULLSHIT canceling earphones.

With Clown Car BULLSHIT canceling earphones, you no longer have to endure the constant din of Donald Trump’s voice. Instead, you can sit back and relax and listen to the voice of Barack Obama quietly reminding you that election day is only fifty-three days away.  And by using the free BULLSHIT canceling app, you can add more soothing sounds like the pitter-patter of golden showers falling on a mattress or the splat of a Mueller subpoena landing on Donald Trump’s fat ass. As an additional benefit, our BULLSHIT canceling earphones have a parental control, so your kids will never hear phrases like “grab ’em by the p***y” or “Shit-hole countries.” And if you order in the next thirty minutes, we will include absolutely free our exclusive Trump Twitter Blocker software so you no longer have to see BULLSHIT on your computer screen either. This software alone is worth more than a Paul Manafort plea-bargain!

So discover the relief that dozens of West Wing employees have found and order The Clown Car BULLSHIT canceling earphones today. Our operators are standing by to take your order, and your order will be shipped to you in a discrete brown paper wrapping so you remain completely enamanoos! Get the relief you need today because, in the age of Trump, the world is full of BULLSHIT!

 

 

 

487

The Clown Car Update is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a wife of Donald J. Trump whose identity is known to us and whose prenup and non-disclosure agreement would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver this hostage from captivity. 


First of all, let me begin by denying the rumors that I am Melania Trump. That is not necessarily the case, although you may think it sounds like a person who is so tired of living with a man who is a huge gelatinous blob with piss for brains. So whatever you may think, I am not Melania.

Donald Trump is facing a dilemma. The dilemma – which he does not fully grasp – is that he is a disgusting human being who smells like the Kentuck Fried Chicken dumpster on Connecticut Avenue. But many of my family and friends know this and are working behind the scenes to free me. Again, I am not Melania.

To be clear, I am not part of a left-wing conspiracy. I am just a person who is sick of looking at Donald Trump naked and thinking of ways to escape with my Secret Service detail, if I had one but I don’t because, again, I am not Melania. I am one of the senior members of his marriage who is trying to frustrate his worse inclinations, like having Russian hookers piss on his mattress.

To be clear, I am not against Donald Trump. In fact, I never want to be against Donald Trump. In fact, I only had unprotected sex with him once, and that took all night just to find his penis under his flopping belly. Don’t get me wrong, the result was my lovely son Barron but that was enough for me. And again, I am not Melania. After that night, I insisted he wears a condom. Barron is a wonderful child, but there always was the possibility that there was another Eric swimming around in there. The problem was finding a condom that small. Instead, we used finger protectors.

The root of the problem is that he looks like the Elephant Man but thinks he looks like Justin Trudeau. Also, he grunts a lot, has a flatulence problem and eats Happy Meals naked. It is disgusting and I would know. But again, I am not Melania.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are bright spots. No, not the urine stains, I mean really some bright spots. For example, the expensive clothes. Also, I get to travel a lot with young bodyguards. Oh, and we have separate bedrooms and THAT was a game-changer. But again, I am not Melania.

Given all his disgusting attributes, there were early whispers between me and my parents about a divorce. They thought we could cut our losses and go back to Slovenia where the government is much more stable. But no one wanted to precipitate a split-up before we could milk every penny from this man’s Rusian bank accounts. So we work every day to find excuses to travel separately until that Mueller guy could put him in jail. That would be a deal breaker and I would be free. And RICH! And back in Slovenia. But again, Melania did not write this op-ed. And if you think she did, my coat has a message for you: I really don’t care!

 

 

486-1

As Trump’s legal problems continue to spread like a urine stain on a Russian mattress, the West Wing is officially in panic mode. As the staff watched their boss meltdown like fake cheese on a Big Mac, they are starting to wonder what their fate might be. Some are secretly sending their resumes to ZipRecruiter, some are looking for a good lawyer, some are posing as Canadian citizens trying to sneak shoes across the border. But all the chaos in the West Wing has produced some of the most interesting watercooler-talk in recent history. So we paid Omarosa to go back into the White House with her recorder and here are the top ten things heard at the West Wing water cooler:

10.  “Do you still have Mueller’s phone number?”

9.  “I heard MAGA hats are marked down in the gift shop”

8.  “Don’t go into the Oval Office yet. He shit his pants again”

7.  “Any reason there’s a SWAT team around Jared’s office?”

6.  “Who had Pecker in the “who will flip next” office pool?”

5.  “I hear there’s a two for one plea deal sale at Mueller’s”

4.  “Is that Mitch McConnell standing on the ledge of the Capitol Building?”

3.  “I don’t know why but I just can’t watch this season of “Orange is the New Black”

2.  “Inmate 8645”

And the number one comment heard around the West Wing water cooler this week,

1.  “So, explain how this flipping thing works again!”

Yes, it’s been a rough week for the White House staff, and the comments we heard show a staff ready to run for the exits. And thanks to Omarosa, we have some of the best comments on tape. But there was one recording that puzzled us since the voice was muddled, but someone is heard screaming, “Tell Vladimir it’s John Barron and I’ll need asylum!” To which we say, “Go Pricks!”

 

 

485-1

You’ve seen her on The Apprentice, The Celebrity Apprentice, and The Ultimate Merger. You’ve seen her on the campaign with Donald J. Trump and as a top aide in the Trump White House.  And recently she has been selling her tell-all book about Donald Trump titled Unhinged.

Well now, you can experience the exciting world of Omarosa Manigault Newman right in the comfort of your own home with the hottest board game in town, “Omarosarama”!

Just like the TV apprentice, this game challenges you to take your complete lack of any discernable skills or ethics and embarrass yourself in front of the entire world. In the game, you begin as a narcissistic germaphobe with a history of bankruptcies pretending to be a smart businessman who wants to become president of the United States. On the board are blocks representing various steps and pitfalls that will either lead you to the White House or a federal penitentiary.  First, you choose from a wide selection of game pieces: You pick Sean Spicer with Trump’s boot up his ass; Steve Bannon holding lice comb; Two Kelly Ann Conways, one with facts and another with alternate facts; Rudy Guliani covered in saliva; or my favorite game piece, a running away Melania Trump.

You start the game as a fake billionaire with five bankruptcies. To win the game you must get from the Trump Tower square at the beginning of the game and get to 2020 Election Street without landing on Mueller Court. After you pick a game piece, you toss the dice and start down Collusion Avenue which can lead to becoming president of the United States. But watch out, don’t land on Pee-Pee Avenue because then you will need a Putin Pass to hide what you were doing on Hotel Moscow Lane. And if you land on Subpoena Row or Indictment Place, you may need a get-out-of-jail card! The pitfalls are the blocks marked “Omarosa”. Avoid all the Omarosas and you may survive to 2020 Election Street. But she leaves recordings of you all over the board.  If you trip on one you may land on Mueller Court and game over.

So gather the family and enjoy a game of Omarosarama and feel what it is like to be an unscrupulous grifter on his way to becoming president of the United States. And if you like Omarosarama, coming soon, Trump Family JailBreak!

484

Space Force: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Robert S. Mueller. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new cults, to seek out low-life and uncivilized creatures, to boldly indict those who have never been indicted before!

Captains log, Stardate 8645, Captain Obama reporting. Our orders are to visit the prison planet Manafort 10 where Star Fleet has reported a prison break. The crew has been placed on high alert because of the danger of being hit with the enemy’s deadly piss-Ray. Manafort 10 orbits the star Cheeto, an exceptionally orange star in the Trumpian galaxy. This is the most feared of all the penal planets in the United Federation of Planets. It is here the infamous Trumpoids, the creation of a genetic experiment by the Twentieth Century madman Vladimir Putin.  After they were captured and convicted they were put into suspended animation and made to watch reruns of the Rosie O’Donnell Show. That was until a few solar days ago when some hackers from the planet Vlad cut the power to Manafort 10 and released the prisoners. Our mission: capture the prisoners and return them to Manafort 10.

As the crew of the Starship Mueller enters the orbit of Manafort 10, they are hailed by another ship. First Officer Biden alerts Obama, “Captain, we are being hailed by a rogue vessel claiming to be the Starship Collusion.” The captain knew that could not be true because the Collusion was captured centuries ago along with the entire Trump base which was finally destroyed after being forced to eat all their own soybeans and clean coal. “On the screen,” Captain Obama ordered as the fuzzy orange image in front of him came into focus. As the captain leaned forward to look closer, he was shocked as he whispered: “It can’t be! A grown man with such tiny hands!”  But there, at the helm of the Collusion was the master grifter himself, the man who conned a thousand voters, Donald J. Trump. And right at his side, standing there with the same stupid grin that was frozen on his face for a thousand years was his second-in-command the evil Lt. Pence.

At first, the glare blinded the crew, but Lt. Biden quickly put up the orange filter on the screen. “We just want you to come over for a talk, Captain Obama said to Trump. But Trump fired back,  “I will not talk to you on advice from my legal officer Ensign Giuliani!”

Just then, out of nowhere, the Collusion was joined by its allied ships, the Hannity and the Nunes. They had been using their fact-cloaking device. Outflanked, Capt. Obama gave the order, “Mr. Biden, fire the phasers, full facts!” “Direct hit,” Biden bellowed as the Hannity and Nunes retreated. But the Collusion was still there, as defiant as ever.  “Will you talk to us now?” Obama demanded, but Ensign Guiliani just laughed as his eyes bugged out and he spits at the captain, “NO COLLUSION! ZERO!” Since the view screen was now covered in spittle, Capt. Obama had only one choice. “Mr. Biden, windshield wipers on and load subpoena torpedos!”  “Subpoena torpedos ready, captain,” Biden bellowed back. “FIRE!” The subpoenas hit the Collusion totally disabling the ship. With that, the Trump cult surrendered and was beamed over to the Mueller. “Take them all to the brig,’ Capt. Obama commanded the security detail, “All but Mr. Pence. I want him to remain in the custody of Lt. Takei!” “MOTHER!”, Pence screamed and Lt. Takei just muttered: “Oh, my!”

After the captain informed Star Fleet that the Trumpoids were in custody, they were ordered to return them to Manafort 10, “I think we let that orange monster off too easy,” Mr. Biden complained. “Oh, I don’t think so, Mr. Biden. This time we left him in a cell alone with Melania and some Trump University graduates! GO PRICKS!”

And tune in next week for the next exciting adventure of “Space Force” entitled Do Green Orion Women Still Pee Yellow? 

483

Everyone has had it happen to them. You spend an hour at the supermarket, going up and down the isles and carefully filling your cart with items from your shopping list. Then you stand in line for what seems forever waiting to check out. The cashier scans all your items, bags all your stuff, and that’s when you remember: You forgot your ID at home. On comes the flashing light and here comes the grocery enforcement officer to confiscate your cart and haul you off for questioning. And even if you are cleared, you have wasted hours of your time only to return home without your groceries and have to repeat the entire exercise all over again. Not to mention the fine! Bummer! Well, here at the Clown Car Update we have the solution for you. Avoid the embarrassment of a lost grocery ID, unnecessary arrests, and cavity searches by the same creep collecting carts in the parking lot.  Introducing Fat Donnie’s Supermarket Warehouse, the new ID-free grocery delivery service.

When you order your groceries from Fat Donnie’s Supermarket Warehouse, we never ask for ID, we never ask for your name or address, and we never know who you are. How do you get your groceries then? Simple. Just call our toll free number, give our operators your complete food order, and we will leave your groceries the at a pre-determined drop off point of your choice. It’s that simple. And with each order, we provide a burner phone so you can securely call us without having to worry that your next grocery order will be traced by a Grocery Enforcement Agent. Simply choose one of our convenient food packages from our large menu:

The G-7: This package includes food from all our favorite trading partners around the world. Italian bread, French dressing, German chocolate cake, Canadian bacon, Japanese sushi, and English muffins. And no matter what Trump says, there will never be any Russian dressing in the G-7!

The Steve Bannon: This package includes all the personal care items that are never used by the real Steve Bannon. Soap, shampoo, deodorant, and flea powder, and a lice comb.

The Basket of Deplorables: All the items Trump supporters have never seen. Toothpaste, mouthwash, and dental floss all wrapped up in a basket made to resemble a tooth, a nostalgic reminder of the time they had one.

The Melania: This is our frozen food section delivered as cold as Melania’s bed. And speaking of Donald, this package includes frozen orange juice and pees (oops, PEAS).

The Cohen: You’ll flip over this package of flapjacks and eggs over easy. But eat these quickly, because they will turn on you!

The Scaramucci: This is for quick orders only. If you need an item really fast, we deliver your order in a “Scaramucci”!

And for a limited time, if you order during the Manafort trial, we will deliver your groceries in bags made or your choice of python or ostrich. This is an eighteen-thousand dollar value absolutely free! And for your convenience, we accept foreign wire transfers.

So forget the hassle of grocery IDs’. Stop worrying about Grocery Enforcement Agents. Forget embarrassing patdowns at the checkout counter. Get your next order from Fat Donnie’s Supermarket Warehouse and enjoy ID-free grocery shopping, because if Fat Donnie knows anything, it’s how to avoid the law!

482

Lordy! There are tapes! That was the news this week as we all were treated to the first installment of the taped conversations between super-attorney Michael Cohen and the President of the United States and last man you want next to you at the restroom urinals, Donald J. Trump. On the tape, you can hear Mike and Donnie plotting to literally cover up his ass. As ugly an image as that is, it was also delicious to listen to two idiots making a bomb that would eventually blow up right in Donnie’s pants. Ouch! But there’s more! The Clown Car Update has been able to obtain some of the over one-hundred tapes still undisclosed. And now, we have put together a boxed set of the Trump-Cohen duets greatest hits available to all our listeners who pledge to vote on November 6, 2018.

Here are a few of the titles you will treasure for years to come:

  • I Left My Pants in Downtown Moscow
  • Tiny Balls of Fire
  • You Can’t Always Piss When You Want
  • Good Golly Miss Stormy
  • I Heard It Through the Indictment
  • Ring of Fired FBI Agents
  • Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag of Money
  • The Yellow Pee of Texas
  • Whiter Shade of Yellow
  • Stairway to Prison
  • I Walk the Lineup
  • Georgia Federal Prison On My Mind
  • The Teen Contestants, They Are A-changin!
  • (I Can’t Get No) Pardon!

And from the world of great movie themes, we have added:

  • Pee-drops Keep Fallin’ On My Head
  • Wind Beneath My Pants
  • Singin’ In The Golden Rain
  • Ding Ding My Dong Is Dead
  • Hakuna Your TaTa’s
  • Beauty and the Orange Beast
  • Up Where It Belongs
  • Everybody Does It Better (Melania’s Theme)
  • Let’s Call the Whole Investigation Off
  • As Prison Time Goes By
  • Zipper A-Do-Da
  • Thanks for the Mammaries
  • The Whizzer of Oz

And if you pledge now, we will send your Trump-Cohen Boxed Set in an authentic replica of the paper bag used in the Watergate payoffs. And that’s not all! If you pledge to take one person with you to vote on November 6, we will include a director’s cut DVD of the Pee-Pee Tape with commentary narrated by producer Vladimir Putin.  Don’t miss this rare opportunity to own the tapes that brought old Donnie Down. And with this perfect keepsake, you will be able to answer your grandchildren when they ask, “What the fuck were you all thinking?!”