Archive for September, 2021

As you may have heard by now, the new and explosive book by Bob Woodward and Robert Costa has been making headlines the last few weeks. The book reveals the previously unknown details of the attempted coup by Donald Trump and his team of Nazis to overturn the 2020 presidential election. In fact, according to CNN, “Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Mark Milley, single-handedly took secret action to limit Trump from potentially ordering a dangerous military strike or launching nuclear weapons…”  Wow, Nuclear weapons, which is what the plumber at the White House used to call Trump’s bowel movements after a KFC binge.

And this week, we learned that Trump lawyer John Eastman, outlined a plan in which Mike Pence, on January 6, would throw out the electoral votes of seven swing states that went for Biden and ultimately declare Trump the winner. Luckily, the plan did not garner much support from real lawyers who had real law degrees. But not to be discouraged, the Trump plotters went back to their crack lab and came up with a Plan B that was even more extreme and has been exclusively discovered by the Clown Car Update. It was Code Named: The Bachelorette Gambit. The plan was to be executed in six steps:

  1. On January 6, Mike Pence would appear at the joint session of Congress for the purpose of tabulating the electoral votes as reported by the states. After gaveling in the session, Pence would pretend to have a urinary tract infection and have to temporarily adjourn to use the bathroom.
  2. Upon his return, Pence would appear with lipstick, rouge, and eyeliner on his face. He will claim that he was attacked in the men’s room by gay Italians who happen to be employees of the same Italian satellite company who rigged the election. He will claim they tried to make him gay by forcing him to eat gay wedding cake. He narrowly escaped when mother knocked on the door asking who he was in there with, which scared them off. At this point, the Vice President will request a medical recess.
  3. At this point, Rudy Giuliani, disguised as Trump’s deceased doctor Harold Bornstein, will be summoned to the chamber to attend the VP. As the chaos ensues, Rudy (Dr. Bornstein) will surreptitiously remove the seven suspect states from the envelope and use his sideburn ink glands to leak all over the pages, rendering them unreadable.
  4. After Pence is reassured that eating wedding cake from a gay wedding will not make you gay, he resumes the count and announces the electors from seven states cannot be determined because of the Rudy head leak. At his point, he invokes a little known Constitutional provision that the VP can either let the House of Representatives decide the winner or have it determined on an episode of The Bachelorette. Pence chooses The Bachelorette.
  5. On The Bachelorette, a Russian hooker disguised as the bachelorette will hand a video tape to the man she chooses to be the next president. She hands the tape to Trump and pees on his shoes declaring him the winner.
  6. This will probably result in the Democrats filing a lawsuit to the Supreme Court. However, we will then send a keg of beer over to Brett Cavanaugh insuring that he will be the fifth vote in not taking the case, claiming they have no jurisdiction over the outcome of The Bachelorette.

Needless to say, this plan too was shot down by people who convinced Trump it was too complicated and would ultimately fail. Except for the Cavanaugh part, which everyone agreed one keg would have swung it!

What a busy week of news! We had disturbing new revelations on a new book on the last days of the Trump-o-potamus by Woodward and Costa detailing how close we were to a total Constitutional meltdown. There was an exciting SpaceX launch that for the first time put a team of civilians into orbit. Gavin Newsom crushed a challenge by the American Taliban Larry Elder to keep the governorship of California away from a bunch of escapees from an asylum. And the climate kept warning us that it isn’t nice to fool with Mother Nature by burning down half the planet and flooding the other half.

But the biggest controversy came from rapper and noted research scientist Nicki Minaj who added one more turd of misinformation to the dung pile already stinking up social media. In a Tweet she said, “They want you to get vaccinated for the Met. if I get vaccinated it won’t be for the Met. It’ll be once I feel I’ve done enough research. I’m working on that now.” Yes, she is hard at work in her lab with all those Bunsen Burners and rap lyrics trying to figure out the difference between mRNA and WTF?  

But why, you ask? Why does poor Ms. Minaj have to spend so much time away from the recording studio to save mankind from a poorly researched vaccine? We’ll let her Tweet explain: “My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding.” There you have it, Trump-ass-sized balls! (Hint to Nicki’s cousin’s friend: The vaccine goes in your ARM!).

Enter the vaccinated anti-vaxxer Tucker Carlson who is so concerned for Nicki’s cousin’s friend that he wants him to come on the show and tell his swollen tale of woe. In fact, Tucker is willing to go to Trinidad to do the interview! Why? Because Tucker himself has been shitting disinformation all over America and this just fits into some of the cases he’s found. Like:

  • Rudy Giuliani’s son’s best friend’s cousin’s brother who got the vaccine and began leaking oil from his sideburns. Oh wait, that WAS Rudy Giuliani.
  • Donald Trump Jr.’s cocaine supplier’s third customer from last Wednesday got the vaccine and developed swollen nostrils the size of airplane hangars. DTJ immediately wanted to know where they got that particular vaccine because, hey, BIG NOSTRILS!
  • Marjorie Taylor Greene’s third cousin twice removed (from a yoga class for disorderly conduct) got the vaccine and is now as dumb as a bag of dildos. Welcome to the Taylor family, cousin!
  • Matt Gaetz’ wife’s cousin’s third wife’s step son grew another penis after receiving the Moderna vaccine. Poor guy was only one week from his wedding and his fiance called it off. The good news is that his eHarmony app has exploded! “Wow, think of Prom night!” Matt said.
  • Finally, Kevin McCarthy heard of a guy who got the vaccine and now his lips pucker every time he is near a picture of Donald Trump’s ass. “That’s a problem?” asked McCarthy.

Now the controversy over Mr. Big Scrotum prompted the health minister of Trinidad and Tobago to waste time trying to track down the case, but found “absolutely no reported such side effect or adverse effect of testicular swelling in Trinidad.” So, Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend, if you do go on Tucker Carlson’s show you would be lying and THAT would take a LOT of balls!

Are you tired of science? Are you tired of scientists? Are you tired of medical advice from so-called experts who want you to wear masks with government microphones and get a computer chip injected into your arm? Well the MAGA/Fox Labs they want you to know that they are constantly working on solutions that will protect you from COVID and at the same time preserve your freedoms. So the medical school janitors who brought you Clorox injections and Ivermectin Flintstone chewables have gone back to their labs and developed an even newer treatment for the virus. Introducing Compound Q.

What’s is Compound Q? Well, it’s all the rage on TikTok so it must be the real deal! They took ground up shoe inserts from Dr. Scholl’s and added some self-stick corn removers. Then, they mixed it all up in an old tube of Compound W wart remover with some ground flea and tick collars to bring you the ultimate COVID-19 cure, Compound Q. Don’t be fooled by other so-called cures like the Pfizer or Moderna vaccine. Those vaccines depend on mRNA to give immunity to the virus. And chances are, you don’t even know what that means. Well at the MAGA/Fox labs, we don’t either. What we do know is that TikTok users all agree that vaccines are a liberal plot to turn real Americans into gay abortion doctors and take away your guns. But Compound Q protects your second amendment rights as well as your body by offering the latest ingredients featured in all the popular internet conspiracy sites. Our formula is based on dumbRNA. We threw the kitchen sink at covid and yes, Compound Q has little bits of metal from old kitchen sinks.

Look, you have the right to say what you do with your own body, unless you’re a woman in Texas. So don’t fall for all that scientific mumbo jumbo and take Compound Q. Throw away that mask, refuse the vaccines, and as we say at MAGA/Fox Labs, forget the “Fauci Ouchie” and take a “Foxie Toxie!” It’s got horse dewormer in it and really, isn’t all of MAGA world just one big horse’s ass?