Archive for April, 2018

470

Lawyers, if you ever had a client like Donald J. Trump, you know the value of silence. But between his Twitter account and phone line to Fox and Friends, it’s hard to get him to shut up. But just in time for Trump’s new legal team comes Pie Hole Duct Tape. Pie Hole Duct Tape has so many uses you will never run out of ideas. Does Trump want to call Fox and Friends this morning? Well, just apply Pie Hole Duct Tape to his mouth and all they hear are muffled rambling. They will never notice the difference! And how about those early morning Tweets? For those occasions try Twitter Thumbs Duct Tape and securely tape his thumbs to his wrist for a secure hold even on his most angry mornings. With his thumbs taped to his wrist, he can’t hold a phone. In fact, he can’t even hold a chicken leg. So get Pie-Hole Duct Tape and the companion Twitter Thumb Duct Tape and be a lawyer who can sleep at night again.

Now this week, as Donald Trump’s legal problems piled up, he reached out for additional representation. A desperate search by his legal team ended after being turned down by the law firm of Chargum, Lotts, and Moore. In desperation, the president was about to name Kanye West to his legal team when Rudy Giuliani announced that he would come to the rescue.  He promptly began negotiations with Robert Mueller but had to deliver some bad news. What bad news did Rudy deliver to Trump?  Here are the top ten things Donald J. Trump does not want to hear from his attorneys:

10.  “We are going to have to bill you by the lie”

9.   “One of your attorneys hired an attorney and now he needs an attorney”

8.   “The FBI just raided Ronnie Jackson’s office and took the scale”

7.  “Vladimir sold the pee-pee tape on eBay to a bidder named MuellerFBI

6.  “Donald Jr and Eric just flipped”

5.  “They subpoenaed your MacDonald’s drive-through records”

4.  “That Easter Bunny was an FBI agent”

3.  “Macrone has the bedsheets”

2. “Avenatti just called with an offer and we’re going to work for him!”

1.  “Melania’s hat was wired”

 

 

469

Thursday night, under pressure from the House Intelligence Committee, the Department of Justice released the famous “Comey Memos”. And without taking their lips off Trump’s ass for even a breath of air the republican’s on the committee were leaking faster than a Russian hooker.  The memos were heavily redacted and left out some “juicy” details to the imagination. Let’s just say they whet your appetite. Well, imagine no more because the Clown Car Update team has obtained the unredacted versions of the memos and they are real pissers. I would like to caution our readers that these memos are not office or child appropriate, so take appropriate measures and put on your golden shower caps!

Memo #1:

January 6, 2017

I executed the meeting just as I had planned. I told him I wanted to speak to him about a report written by Christopher Steele and paid for by [Mike Pence] and that the report was [uploaded by mistake to a popular porn site]. In the report, Mr. Steele claimed that the Russians had a videotape of him in a Moscow hotel room with five hookers.  On the tape, [the hookers peed on his mattress while Stormy Daniels spanked him in his underwear.]  I told him there were a lot of other allegations, but he seemed most interested in the tape. He asked me if [you could see him clearly or was there wiggle room for him to deny this to Melania].  I told him that I hadn’t seen the tape myself but the entire Intelligence Community and Sen. John McCain have [been using it at office parties since last July]. I told him I wasn’t saying that the tapes were authentic but he seemed obsessed with one aspect of them asking several times [did my penis look like I had shrinkage?]. We agreed to discuss this further in [Scott Pruitt’s soundproof booth]

Memo #2

January 28, 2017

I had dinner with the president in [Pruitt’s soundproof booth] at 6:30 PM. There were two servers who I had a chance to chat with. They were retired Navy submariners and we had a fun discussion about [Trump’s tiny hands].  The president talked non-stop about a number of topics then brought up the dossier. He said he wanted me to investigate the peepee tape because there was a [99%] chance Melania would absolutely believe he would do such a thing. Also, he asked me if I could investigate the incident and  [remove any DNA evidence from bedsheets].  I said that would not be a good idea so he asked if I would at least consider [taking a look at the sheets and give him any stain removal tips]. I declined and we finished dinner. He suggested that my family come for dinner sometime. He thought maybe then [he might ask my wife how to get the stains out]. We shook hands and I used hand sanitizer when I got into my car.

Memo #3

February 8, 2017

I went to the White House for a 4 PM “meet and greet” with Reince Priebus. As I sat there waiting in the West Wing lobby, Mike Flynn stopped by and sat down and we chatted about [how an orange clown like Trump could ever get elected]. There was no mention by either of us about [the time we watched the peepee tape together]. Then Rience’s assistant took me into the Chief of Staff’s office.  We discussed a variety of subjects including how the [hell a nitwit like Trump] ended up in the [White House]. He then asked me if I could assure him that [he could maybe get a copy of the peepee tape] so he could [have some job security]. I said that would have to go through proper channels, specifically the [Kremlin]. Before I left Reince took me in to say hello to the president. He was speaking with Sean Spicer who was introduced as the White House [Easter Bunny].  The president then brought up the “golden shower” thing and once again asked if I could find out [how to get pee stains out of a bedsheet]. I said I could not and departed.

*Publication of these memos has been cleared by our legal department using the Sean Hannity method which is throwing ten bucks at a lawyer we met in a bar so all this is covered by attorney-client privilege.

 

 

 

468

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Soup. Soup who? Souprise, motherfucker! That’s the greeting Trump’s personal lawyer and prime ass-pimple, Michael Cohen received on Monday morning as he began his work week of paying off porn stars and burning underwear. As the news unfolded, panic spread in the West Wing and the Oval Office itself. What was in the piles of documents, cell phones, computers, and empty Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets that may produce evidence of a crime? As always, the Office of Special Prosecutor was silent about the raid, but the Clown Car Update was able to obtain a partial list of items taken from Mr. Cohen’s office. The items include:

  • Exhibit 1:  A rolled up magazine used by Stormy Daniels to spank Donald Trump along with a pair of spanking-worn underwear in size 52.
  • Exhibit 2:  Stained sheets and blankets from the Moscow Ritz Carleton Hotel along with a videotape marked “Donald Takes a Shower”.
  • Exhibit 3:  An audio recording of Stormy Daniels describing Donald Trump’s penis as “a dead slug in a saucer of beer.”
  • Exhibit 4:  Trump wigs made of pubic hairs
  • Exhibit 5: Paul Ryan’s spine which forensic experts estimate the was removed sometime after November 8, 2016.
  • Exhibit 6: Fred Trump’s hood and sheet collection.
  • Exhibit 7: Thousands of unsold “Trump University” pennants saying “Trump University, Go Pricks!”
  • Exhibit 8:  A shoebox filled with love letters marked “Poody Porn”.
  • Exhibit 9:  A case of Billy Bush “Tic Tacs” from the Access Holywood bus used for inappropriate and unwanted kissing.
  • Exhibit 10: DNA evidence proving that Sean Hannity was cloned from a polyp removed from Donal Trump’s colon in 1961.
  • Exhibit 11: A video by this year’s Easter Bunny claiming that Trump was fondled his cottontail at the annual Easter Egg Roll. An NDA and a 130,000 carrot payout were included.
  • Exhibit 12: The Stormy Daniels DVD Box Set featuring a patriotic dedication by David Dennison.

This is just a small sample of the voluminous material taken from Cohen’s office that included documents, tapes, cell phones, and sex toys.  Needless to say, Michael Cohen’s lawyer Stephen Ryan, called the raids “inappropriate and unnecessary” and complained that investigators seized privileged records, to which Robert Mueller replied, “SAYS WHO?!?!”

 

 

467.1

The Trump Administration has ordered two thousand National Guard troops to the Delaware border to stop a caravan of Amazon.com shoppers from getting their orders free of sales tax. Responding to a segment he saw on “Fox and Friends” Sunday morning, Trump tweeted “Delaware is doing very little, if not NOTHING, at stopping people from ordering stuff through their Amazon Prime accounts and having them shipped to their homes in by using the US Postal System. They laugh at our dumb postal laws that use the Post Office like it was a delivery service. They must stop the big merchandise and book flows, or I will stop their cash cow, NAFTA. NEED WALL AROUND AMAZON.”  In a later tweet, Trump emphasized his frustration with the situation tweeting “These large “caravans” of people are taking advantage of Amazon Prime Days sales and want into the act. MUST STOP JEFF BEZOS!”

Trump’s tweetstorm and National Guard order can be traced to a commercial that aired between “Fox and Friends” segments and enraged the president according to two sources who spoke on condition of anonymity because they have Amazon Prime accounts. According to the sources, the president awoke to his usual breakfast of McDonalds Sausage Burritos and hashbrowns and became so upset that he never finished his Sausage McGriddle Meal. He immediately called Director of Homeland Security Kirstjen M. Nielsen who held a press conference on Monday.

At her press conference, Secretary Nielsen said that Jeff Bezos is causing a crisis at the Delaware border by offering free shipping until April 30.  She indicated that the threat will be meet with the full force of the United States military. We asked her how much having boots on the ground will cost. “That depends on Amazon. We are insisting that they pay for the boots. I ordered them from Amazon to take advantage of the free shipping.”

Jeff Bezos, founder, and CEO of Amazon fired back. “This is an attack on democracy and free enterprise and we intend to respond in kind. We have ordered our distribution centers that effective immediately we will start delivery by drone!”  After Bezos’ comments, Trump swiftly tweeted, “I have drones and my drones are bigger than Little Amazon Jeff’s!”

And the conflict has rattled the markets. Fear of a drone war and loss of free shipping has caused panic buying on Amazon. “The orders are coming in faster than Trump can down a KFC family bucket,” Bezos told us,  “and orders are up for everything except Ivanka’s shoes.” Public reaction to the president’s attacks on the “caravan” and Amazon has been harsh and swift.  Of two hundred million customer reviews on Trump’s presidency, he has earned an average rating of one-half a star. When asked if they would recommend Trump to a friend, 99% of customers said “NO!” One customer commented, “I voted for Trump but when he arrived I was disappointed. The packaging was shabby and he had a strange urine odor about him. I will be returning him in November.”