Archive for April, 2015

This week on Episode 332 of The Tim Corrimal Show we were joined by Kim of http://indiemediaweekly.com/ and Francie (@Francie57 on Twitter) for a ride in the GOP Clown Car with our driver of the week, The Louisiana Lightweight, Bobby Jindal.

Bobby Jindal doesn’t like hyphens. According to Jindal, hyphens are Un-American. At a speech in New Hampshire this week, he said

We used to be proud to call America the great melting pot

Now I don’t know about you, but I do not want to be in any pot that contains a melting Bobby Jindal.  Anyway, he went on to attack hyphens:

I don’t know about you, I’m tired of the hyphenated Americans. No more ‘African-Americans.’ No more ‘Indian-Americans.’ No more ‘Asian-Americans

This is no novel idea for a republican. We all know they are tired of African-Americans, Asian-Americans, and any American that isn’t a white American. But to hear a republican finally admit it is a bit odd.   At least we have their bigotry out of the closet, and into the septic tank of GOP politics. So, while we’re at it, here are some of the hyphenated Americans I’m tired of:

  • Koch-Americans: These are a predatory group adapted to hiding behind piles of money. They are skilled at training lap dogs (see Scott Walker). Koch-Americans believe that a free America is a profitable America, especially for Koch Industries. Their principal diet is GOP politicians.
  • Christian-Americans: Don’t let that name fool you, this group has nothing to do with Christianity. They hate everything from science to gay wedding cakes. They are respectful of life, unless you want their guns and then they will kill you. Oh, and they also like to execute people, but respectfully.
  • Freedom loving-Americans: These Americans love their freedom; freedom to discriminate and freedom to be bigots. But the freedom they cherish the most is the freedom from science, education, and critical thinking.
  • Real-Americans: These are not to be confused with Native Americans. Real-Americans live in areas with “whites only” signs.  They pride themselves on being self sufficient and never having used a library. They hate the federal government, especially when their Social Security and Medicare payments are not made on time.
  • Reagan-Americans: Sometimes know as Reagan Democrats, they live under the delusion that a very poor actor made a great president. They are constantly wishing for another Ronald Reagan who will restore economic prosperity and never sell out to Iran. This would indeed be another Ronald Reagan, because the real one never accomplished either one.
  • NRA-American: Noted for their drooling and howling at the moon, Nugent-Americans are loud and angry. They love guns, talking about the Constitution and threatening to kill people they don’t like. However, despite their loud talk, it is common for a NRA-American to shit their pants at the threat of being drafted into a real army.
  • Fox-Americans:  An offshoot of the Anglo-Saxons, Fox-Americans are generally old, white, and flatulent. They traditionally love to huddle around their televisions and scream at the screen. Their native language is Benghazi. They are easily entertained by blond news anchors and big colorful graphics alerting us of the next Islamic takeover of an American city.

So, Bobby Jindal, I’m with you. Forget poverty, income inequality, and crumbling infrastructure. Lets get to the real threat to America, the hyphen!

 

 

 

 

Today, on Episode 331 of the Tim Corrimal Show, the first of the Adventures of Rubioman!
Faster than a Benghazi subpoena! More powerful than a John Boehner martini!  Able to leap big issues at a single bound!  Yes, it’s Rubioman, strange visitor from the Fox News planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal senators.  Rubioman, who can change the course of his own immigration legislation, bend the truth in his bare hands; and who, disguised as Sen. Marco Rubio, mild-mannered senator from the state of Florida, fights a never ending battle for power, money, and free bottled water.
In this week’s episode, Rubioman faces off with his arch enemy, Hilary Clinton.  Rubioman has uncovered her evil plan to turn back time to 1999! Rubioman must stop her, because he knows that no one wants to return to the the days of peace, unprecedented economic growth, and record job creation. But Hilary is cunning, and she knows that Rubioman has one weakness that makes him lose his superpowers; dry mouth.  The only antidote, a bottle of Aquafina.
He may not be a scientist,  but Rubioman has a plan: Wipe out the 20th century.   That way, there is no 1999, no Social Security, no Medicare, no Affordable Care Act.  Then, he will create a New American Century, 15 years late but, like I said, he’s no scientist, and obviously not a mathematician.  In this new century, we are all free because we no longer require corporations to pay taxes, have a minimum wage, or limit the number of hours children can work.  And Social Security and Medicare will no longer be needed, because once we’re free of health care, no one will live past the age of 50.
But Hilary is back and she wants to expand her middle class army and kill all our job creators by forcing them to pay taxes and a fair minimum wage . Her plan is to enslave the world with fair wages, better job opportunities, and forcing everyone to attend a gay wedding. Her weapons are big government and a big brain and Rubioman seems over matched.  As this episode closes, Hilary places a large can of salted nuts in the green room of Meet the Press.  As Rubioman nervously licks his lips, he gives in to temptation and eats a handful.  Suddenly his lips crust over, his throat closes, and his powers drain away leaving an empty suit. He feebly reaches for the Aquafina, but Hilary has emptied all the bottles.  As Rubioman fades into unconsciousness,  Hilary smiles as she drives her Hilarymobile along Route 80 to launch her plot in Iowa. Will Chuck Todd find Rubioman in time? Will Hilary reach Iowa with a burrito and evil plan to grow the middle class?  Will Chipotlegate cause the Fox News planet to explode?   Find out next time in episode 2 of  “The Adventures of Rubioman”.

The Worst Amendment

Posted: April 17, 2015 in New Post

I just read that Tim McGraw is planning to give a concert to benefit a group called Sandy Hook Promise. Sounds really nice, right? A big star donating his time and talent to help improve the safety of our children. Instead, he is under attack. If you guessed fat old gun nuts who think they are police officers and shoot unarmed people in the back, you are correct. OK, I was ranting there, but I’m entitled. More entitled that the dickless morons who think they can compensate for erectile dysfunction by carrying a phallic substitute on their hip.

So now Tim McGraw is rewarded for his generosity and sense of community by threats and insults. This is the state of we are in in this country, where people care about a lethal piece of steel more than they do about the safety of our children. Where there is a total disregard for what is important, namely insuring that parents do not have to send their children to school wondering if they will ever see them again. Unfortunately, for the parents at Sandy Hook Elementary, that has already happened. It is amazing to me that anyone who would call himself or herself an American would put gun rights above preventing the sorrow and loss that these parents must face for the rest of their lives.

One has to wonder what our founding fathers would think if they saw the Second Amendment perverted to the point that gun nuts would abide the mass murder of children for the sacred cause of gun ownership. What would our founding fathers say to an NRA convention filled with blood thirsty arms dealers who promote gun sales above our right to be safe? What would they say to the parents of Sandy Hook who will never have the joy of one more Christmas day with their child? Here’s what I would say to them; You did a pretty good job with that Constitution of yours, but you know that Second Amendment idea? It was the worst!

You know the old saying, the apples do not fall far from the tree? Well, that goes for nuts too and this week on Episode 330 of the Tim Corrimal Show we find that another one fell from the GOP tree when Rand Paul threw his wiry hair into the presidential primary.  What followed was a week filled with the Mad Muppet yelling at journalists and generally being a dick.  He wants to take the country back and restore your freedoms and here’s the plan:

Taking our country back: Presumably to around 1850, before the Federal government got involved in your business especially if your business doesn’t want to bake a gay wedding cake or serve black people. In an interview with Rachel Maddow in 2010, he expressed his reservations about the Civil Rights Act:

…the thing is, is if we want to harbor in on private businesses and their policies, then you have to have the discussion about: do you want to abridge the First Amendment as well.

In other words, he’s OK with the Civil Rights Act, just not the “civil rights” part.

Restoring our liberties:  Unless you happen to have a uterus, in which case The Mad Muppet believes that you should be freed from the responsibility of having to make decisions about your own reproductive system. After all, who knows better what is best for your uterus than an eye doctor who certified himself to practice medicine.

Dismantling the Washington Machine: Ironically, he made this pronouncement while standing on an aircraft carrier which is a rather large Washington machine.

The military budget: Rand strongly believes in a balanced budget yet plans a massive increase in military spending while reducing our military involvement in the world. After all, nothing says fiscal responsibility like spending a lot more money on something you don’t plan to use. It’s sort of like buying a Lamborghini to commute to work the day after you quit your job.

The right to Privacy: And by privacy he means journalists writing down and reminding him of stupid stuff he said. Google and video tape are dangerous in the hands of interviewers who use them to trick him with his own quotes. However as a libertarian, he will protect your right to send pictures of your genitals sent over the internet without government snooping.

Return to the gold standard: And if that doesn’t work, return to the livestock or pelt standard.

And this was only the first week of the Rand Paul campaign. With the entry of  The Mad Muppet, the GOP field just got a little larger and little uglier,  like a suspicious looking growth on your nose.  Oh, and if I were you, GOP, I get that thing looked at, preferably by a doctor with a medical license.

In the first book of the New Testament, Jesus gave the Sermon on the Mount. In it, he tells of eight keys to happiness and fulfillment. They are called “The Beatitudes”. It was Jesus’ way of saying that his dad got carried away with all the smiting and stoning in the Old Testament. Jesus wanted us to chill a minute and think of the things that are important. Naturally, modern fundamentalist Christians really don’t like Jesus all that much. They like to say they do, but in reality, they liked his father’s way of dealing with things. After all, it almost always involved a bloody war.  So today on Episode 329 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we examine the Beatitudes as re-interpreted by the Fundies:

Blessed are the poor,
for on them we blame the Great Recession,
the housing collapse, the banking crisis,
and the national debt.

Blessed are they who mourn,
unless you are mourning someone non-white,
in which case the police will
fire plastic bullets and tear gas at you
from military vehicles.

Blessed are the meek,
Unless “meek” means gay, in which case you are
not blessed and cannot have pizza!

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst,
for they shall be satisfied,
But not with food stamps or school lunch programs
that costs tax money, in which case
they can shrivel up and die.

Blessed are the merciful,
but Fundies aren’t merciful
So bite me!.

Blessed are the pure of heart,
Unless you are a bleeding heart liberal,
in which case your heart should bleed to death
after we repeal Obamacare!

Blessed are the peacemakers,
especially if “Peacemaker” is the nickname for a bomb,
In which case we will blast our enemies with
a barrage of “Peacemakers”!

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
For you shall be denied service in Indiana.

So Happy Easter and remember, unlike Indiana, here at the “Poorly Written Political Blog” we serve everyone!

Indiana Cake Recipe

Posted: April 3, 2015 in New Post

Rotten eggs (can be obtained in the Indiana legislature)
Sour milk
Flour (white only)
Sugar
Salt (preferably obtained from Lot’s wife)
Butter

Start by mixing the butter and sugar so that everything tastes like your making something good.
Now, get the rotten eggs involved, stirring the pot into a homophobic frenzy.
Add the sour milk and salt to rub in the wounds of anyone who may be offended by this cake.
Separate the mixture into two pans, one for the base and one for the media.
Bake near a burning bush at 350º or with fire and brimstone.

After the cake is baked, place the bottom layer on a plate. Fill the center with contempt for anything that doesn’t meet your narrow view of morality, and squeeze it between the top layer so no one can really see it. Then frost the entire cake with doubletalk frosting, using the sugar to distract from your bitterness.

Cut the cake and shove it down everyone’s throat whether they want some or not.