Archive for November, 2015

This week on Episode 362 of the Tim Corrimal Show we discuss the reaction of the GOP to the terrifying prospect of allowing Syrian refugees into our country.  Remember the GOP debates when all the tough candidates blustered about how they would scare foreign leaders into giving us candy and ice cream?  Remember how Donald Trump is going to have Mexico built a big beautiful wall and make them pay for it and give every U S citizen a coupon to Taco Bell? Remember how Carly Fiorina would scare Vladimir Putin off his horse and make him put on a shirt? Remember how Mike Huckabee was going make women have babies and peek at them through a peep hole in the ladies’ room? Well, forget all that because there is a new threat that has republicans more excited than David Vitter at a Pampers sale!

Yes, there is nothing more terrifying to a republican than the prospect of providing a safe haven to widows and orphans.  So this week,  22 republican governors and several of their presidential candidates vowed to block the president’s plan.  Ben Carson even published a map of the patriotic states that have banned refugees from entering.  And in typical Ben Carson style, his map pictured three New England states as part of Canada.  Yes, they sympathized with the refugee’s situation, but what if one of them turned out to be a terrorist or, worse yet, eventually registered as a Democrat?  Then it would be too late, and we just can’t take that chance!

It was as if the spirit of the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz has possessed the entire party:

  • Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan said “This is a moment where it’s better to be safe than to be sorry.”
    • Cowardly Lion Speak: “I’m going in there. There’s only one thing I want you fellows to do. Talk me out of it!”
  • Jeb! said only Christian refugees, “I think you can prove it[that you are a Christian], if you can’t prove it, you err on the side of caution.”
    • Cowardly Lion Speak: “That doesn’t do any good, I’m afraid of ’em.”
  • Ted Cruz said if there are Syrian Muslims who are really being persecuted they should be sent to “majority-Muslim countries.”
    • Cowardly Lion Speak: “You’re right, I am a coward! I haven’t any courage at all. I even scare myself”.
  • Chris Christie said the United States should not admit any refugees from the Syrian civil war — not even “orphans under age 5.”
    • Cowardly Lion Speak:  “Not nobody! Not nohow!”

But President Obama was in no mood, and from the Asian-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit had this to say

Apparently, they are scared of widows and orphans coming into the United States of America,” the president said. “At first they were too scared of the press being too tough on them in the debates. Now they are scared of 3-year-old orphans. That doesn’t seem so tough to me.

Oh, oh! That really upset Cowardly Lion Ted Cruz.  His reaction? “Put ’em up, put ’em up! Which one of you first? I’ll fight you all together if you want. I’ll fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I’ll fight you standing on one foot. I’ll fight you with my eyes closed… ohh, sneaking up on me, eh? Why, I’ll… Ruff! .

But in the end, we know it takes courage to do the right thing, after all, what makes a King out of a slave? Courage.  What makes the flag on the mast to wave?  Courage. What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist or the dusky dusk? Courage. What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage. What makes the Sphinx the 7th Wonder? Courage. What makes the dawn come up like THUNDER?! Courage. What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the “ape” in ape-ricot? Whatta they got the GOP ain’t got?

COURAGE!!!

You can say that again!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.

The War on Christmas has begun and we have full coverage on Episode 361 of the Tim Corrimal Show!  On Monday,  all over the country unsuspecting Americans gathered to greet the morning with an Iced Gingerbread Latte or a Peppermint Mocha only to be greeted by a grim barista and the shocking news that Starbuck’s will no longer feature ornaments and reindeer on their holiday cups.  Santa was dead, the reindeer scattered into the wild, and ornaments forever relegated to history books.  In their place was a cup of red, like Red October and Red China.  Yes, Starbucks joined with the Axis of Christmas Evil and will served up your coffee cold,  in a communist inspired red cup.  That’s right,  freedom once again had been assaulted, and this time the causalities lie in the smoldering ashes of tinsel and tasteless Christmas sweaters.

After December 7, 1941, the nation turned to a great leader, President Franklin D. Roosevelt,  who assured the nation that this act would never be forgotten and that we would rise from the ashes to be victorious.  And so it was this week,  that amid the shock and horror of the news of the plain red cup,  a modern savior calmed us with the assurance that the red scourge of Starbucks would be avenged.  That man was Donald Trump.

Like FDR before him,  standing in front of a crowd of over caffeinated coffee drinkers in Springfield, Illinois, Donald Trump assured a shocked and sorrowed nation that this was not the end,  but the beginning of a new resolve. “I have one of the most successful Starbucks, in Trump Tower. Maybe we should boycott Starbucks? I don’t know. Seriously, I don’t care. That’s the end of that lease, but who cares?”  Trump assured paper cup clutching masses.  “I may be confused about what countries are in the TPP,  but I guarantee if I become president, we’re going to be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ at every store,” he said.  So with his hair flapping in the wind on a cold Illinois morning,  our great Christmas warrior rallied a nation to stand up to Starbucks tyranny and rebuild the forces of Christmas.  Plant Victory Poinsettia Gardens,  buy Christmas bonds,  enlist in  the Salvation Army,  and most of all be confident that Black Friday will never turn red!

The FNB GOP Debate Roundup

Posted: November 11, 2015 in New Post

After watching the fourth GOP debate I want to scream “OK, I GET IT!”.   The GOP/Fox Nation crowd hates government, taxes, regulations, education, philosophers, clean air and water,  mouthy women,  ISIS,  Putin, Hillary Clinton,  anyone who is not Christian,  anyone who has actually read the Constitution, China, any country starting with “I” (except Israel), President Obama,  Obamacare,  LGBTQ people,  anyone who knows what LGBTQ means,  Hollywood,  France,  peace,  Marxists, Leninist, Socialists, Communists, Muslims, any movement with the word “black” in it,  Starbucks red cups, document that are more than three pages long,  minimum wage,  marijuana,  questions about things they say, the liberal media, the media, video tape, Google, moderators at debates (except the conservative ones), political correctness, details, math, science, Planned Parenthood, any fetus after birth, poor people and critical thinking.

The GOP/Fox crowd loves tax cuts, Social Security cuts, Medicare cuts,  any cut of raw meat, war,  huge walls,  vaginal ultrasounds,  marginalizing women,  saying Merry Christmas,  Putin (I know, he’s on the hate list too, but this is the GOP remember), fat,  sugar,  guns,  guns in every home, guns in every school, guns in every hand, more guns,  avoiding military service where the other guy has a gun,  the second amendment,  the tenth amendment,  knives, rocks, hammers,  strange stories about stabbing people,  large Egyptian grain storage,  the Popeye’s organization,  rapture,  Bibi,  fetuses (before birth),  money, money, money, money, the Koch brothers money, and money.

So, if you are planning to watch the remaining GOP/Fox Nation debates,  save the time for a good Netflix binge watch and just refer to the above list.  Nothing that the GOP/Fox Nation has to say ever changes,  but you might find out why everyone loves Saul Goodman!

 

 

This week on Episode 360 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we dial 911 for the GOP Whaaaaaaaaabulance! On Monday, 15 whiny little candidates issued a list of demands future sponsors of presidential debates will have to meet.  In a letter Monday from the newly unionized GOP candidates,  potential debate sponsors were warned that if the demands were not met,  they will not grace their screens with their presence.  Some of the questions potential sponsors must answer are:

  • Will the hall be kept below 67 degrees (And does everyone promise not to throw water on Carley Fiorina!)
  • Will there be behind shots of the candidates (Some of them do not wear pants)
  • Will you show empty podiums during the break and describe how far the bathrooms are. Also, are there “family” restrooms where staff can change the candidate’s diapers?
  • Will you allow candidates to have props? (Ben Carson always likes to have a rock, brick, or knife handy)
  • Will there be a gong, buzzer, or bell when time is up? (I would favor an electric shock, but that’s just me)
  • What is the size of the audience? (I think this is an unfair question, since there is obviously no restriction on the size of the candidates)

In addition, the candidates demanded that they have control over the network’s graphics.  My suggestion would be the Looney Tunes logo.

Also on Monday, Jeb! relaunched his campaign, moving the exclamation point to the end of a complete sentence, rolling out a new slogan “Jeb Can Fix It!”.  As the part of the reboot,  Jeb wants you to know that he is so tough that eats nails before breakfast.  I’d say he’s whistling past the graveyard, but that’s probably just the sound of the wind blowing through his puncture holes.

On Tuesday,  Morning Joe’s Joke Scarborough and Freaka Brzezinski finally “jumped the shark” with their Tuesday episode “How to Interview the Koch Brothers and Make It Look Like You’re Performing Fellatio”.   In a farce Sen. Harry Reid called a “propaganda campaign”,  Joe and Mika peppered the brothers with such hard hitting, probing questions as “Can I be your forever friend?”,  “Am I drooling on you?” and,   “Would you autograph my buttocks?”.   Casting aside any pretense of probing questions,   Joe and Mika fawned and mused about how cute they must have been as children and how proud father Fred must have been watching them goose step around the house.  The interview concluded with our favorite morning hosts eagerly picking up their leashes and patiently sitting at the brothers’ feet begging to be taken for a walk on their beautiful estate.  As we left the interview we were treated to the scene of Joe and Mika joining the Kochs’ other pets,  Scott and Marco,  playfully wrapping themselves in Koch “Angel Soft” toilet paper.

And finally this week,  our favorite Martian,  Dr. Ben Carson,  doubled down on a comment he made in a 1998 commencement speech.  In the speech he claimed that Joseph, in his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat,  built the pyramids in Egypt.  Why?  Well, not to be tombs for the pharaohs,  but to store grain for long periods of time. And why does he believe this?  Because God.  Asked if he still believes that today,  he said yes and more.  “Also”,  added Carson,  “it is my belief that the Aztec Pyramids were actually built to house the first Taco Bell”.

It is actually my belief that the burial chambers in the Great Pyramids are the perfect place for the Ben Carson Presidential Library.

 

 

This  week on Episode 359 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we review the third GOP debate.  It was a scene out of the Star Wars Cantina.  On Wednesday night,  ten of the most treacherous vermin in the galaxy tried to convince us to let them into our homes so one of them could stab us with a saber and steal our Social Security checks.  To quote Obi-Wan Kenobi, it was a wretched hive of scum and villainy.   It was mostly whining about hard questions and having to stand at a podium for two whole hours. But there were some interesting moments that deserve a mention.  Here are my favorites:

  • In an exchange with the moderators, Jeb! offered to give warm kisses to any Democrat who would cut taxes and spending.  Later it was reported that Jeb!’s brother George, who was watching naked from his bath tub in Crawford, TX,  laughed so hard that he choked on a pretzel.
  • Ted Cruz will not drink with you, but he will drive you home safely.  As Uber-Driver-In-Chief,  he will provide you with tequila and pot brownies, a surprising deal from a guy who’s ass is so tight it sucks in his face.
  • Chris Christie hates fantasy football, but he hates Hillary Clinton more.  He swore that if nominated, he would not allow her to get within ten miles of the White House.  Politifact later rated this boast as “mostly true” since as governor, he wouldn’t allow anyone to get within ten miles of the George Washington Bridge.
  • Retired neurosurgeon and knife assault suspect Ben Carson has permanently fallen asleep.  Having inhaled too much anesthetic during his career,  Dr. Carson is now in a perpetual twilight sleep.  Moderators did startle him awake for a few seconds with a question about his 10% Bible tax.  He corrected them,  pointing out that God has adjusted that for inflation to 15%, and then quickly went back to sleep.
  • Marco Rubio,  was asked why he has missed so many senate votes.  Rubio’s response was that others have missed 100% of the votes this year.  “One of your Democratic icons,  Lyndon Johnson,  has not voted at all this year”, Rubio shot back.  When it was pointed out that Mr. Johnson has not been a Senator since 1961 and died in 1973, an irritated Rubio launched into an attack on the liberal media and their obsession with “gotcha facts”.
  • Donald Trump denied criticizing Mark Zuckerberg for his support of more visas for workers in specialty occupations.  What the Donald failed to realize is that the the criticism is on his own website.   On Thursday, stung by this revelation,  Mark Zuckerberg unfriended Donald Trump.
  • And finally, Carly Fiorina’s list of lies has now grown longer than the list of companies she drove into the ground.  She falsely claimed that 92% of job losses in President Obama’s first term were women.  She then denied being fired at HP, instead claiming it was “a difference of opinion”,  like when it’s her opinion she did a great job and everyone else thinks she stunk at her job.

So,  if anyone thought the third GOP debate would help pick a candidate,  this one may have been a disappointment.  To quote Obi-Wan Kenobi,  “these are not the ones you’re looking for!”.