The GOP has been telling us for some time now how their bench is deep. What they fail to tell us is, deep in what? Well, Joni Ernst put that to rest this past week with her response to the president’s State of the Union address. It was a pile, and it was deep. But the line that will live in infamy was about how she wore bread bags over her good pair of shoes on a rainy day. I guess this is supposed to make her relate to the common folk, but in the end it was just part of that deep pile. But Joni wants to apply her bread bag idea the new agenda of the GOP. This week, on Episode 319 of the Tim Corrimal Show, the Clown Car explores some other uses Joni and the GOP have for bread bags:
Food stamps: The way Joni sees it, food stamps are just another way for the government to enslave the poor. Instead, Joni proposes that poor families use bread bags. Just give a bread bag to every member of the family, stroll down to the nearest fast food restaurant dumpster and fill your bread bags with half eaten hamburgers and mashed up French fries. Your children get to participate in menu selection while receiving much needed nutrition. All without the help of handouts from our over taxed job creators. So gather up some bread bags and run down to the ally just behind your local McDonald’s . And as a bonus, your kids will learn the value of hard work.
Obamacare: There is no more sinister way to destroy our freedoms than government mandated health care. Joni and her GOP friends want to repeal and replace Obamacare with, you guessed it, bread bags. For example. if you place a bread bag over your face you will reduce the chances of contracting colds, flu, and even Ebola. An if you get a stomach flu just throw up into a handy bread bag. And for those nasty panic attacks, you don’t need a fancy psychiatrist. Just breath into a bread bag to calm your nerves and feel the freedom!
Contraceptves for women: Well, here Joni’s first choice is castration. But Joni doesn’t want the government enslaving our young women with guaranteed contraception coverage. Instead, Joni suggests that you have your partner wear a bread bag. They come in sizes from the skinny French loaf to the large Italian bread, have their own convenient ties, and are gluten free! They may feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but just think of the freedom you and your partner will feel from not having to depend on Uncle Sugar for your contraceptive needs!
Housing: Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae? Forget it. Just more government interference in your life. And who needs affordable housing anyway. There is a simpler solution that does not involve using tax payer money to help moochers get a house. Joni says, let them live in bread bags. For example, just 100 bread bags glued together can make a shelter to fit 4 people and a small pet. With 200 bags you can add a garage to keep your shopping cart. Want to add a swimming pool? No problem. 1000 bread bags sewn together can hold over 100 gallons of water and provide hours of fun for the entire family.
Heating: Pesky government heating programs enslaving you? Joni Ernst has just the answer for freedom loving Americans who need fuel assistance. Instead of that government handout, make a cozy little fire in your living room out of bread bags. Imagine curling up with your favorite book and reading to the odor of burning polyvinyl chloride. There are no government forms to fill out and the toxic fumes are free!
So there you have it, the new, caring republican party. They heard what you were saying last November and Joni heard you loud and clear. Give us bread bags or give us death!