Archive for August, 2014

This week on Episode 307 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the Clown Car Driver of the Week is ex-governor of Virginia Bob McDonnell. Last year Gov. McDonnell and his wife were indicted for taking bribes from wealthy businessman Jonnie Williams who wanted the governor’s office to help promote his dietary supplement.

Now Bob’s defense this week centered on blaming his wife Maureen for the entire mess and that he was oblivious to his wife’s activities. After all, he was busy making sure the other women in Virginia were getting vaginal ultrasounds. So where did he get this defense? We need look no further than his favorite bedtime reading, the Bible. So here now is the Biblical version of the Bob McDonnell defense:

As Adam (Bob) was about to ascend to the governor’s office, Eve (Maureen) was starting to crack up. Although Adam did everything to make her happy, she ran up great credit card debt and had the couple on the brink of bankruptcy. She began to scream at Adam that she was naked and had nothing to wear. Although Adam pointed out that everyone on the planet was naked, it was to no avail, because Eve had already picked out a Louis Vuitton outfit. That’s when she texted the serpent (Williams) who offered her a dietary supplement. He told her that if she could convince Adam to promote it, the serpent would arrange a shopping trip to New York.  So, that night, Eve convinced Adam to promote the supplement. 

 Adam not suspecting the serpent’s role in all this suddenly realized he was naked. So Eve gave him a Rolex to wear and he no longer felt naked.  So off to New York they went in a fig leaf and a brand new Ferrari. Now Adam never knew that the watch and the car came from the serpent.  All he knew was that Eve was finally happy. Then God, appearing as a federal prosecutor, informed Adam that what he and Eve did was wrong and their days of paradise were over. They were under indictment and would have to defend themselves by the sweet of their brows.

So the Biblical lesson here is simple; if you spend too much time worrying about other women’s vaginas, the one you should be most concerned about may be getting you indicted.

This week on Episode 306 of the Tim Corrimal Show the clown car award goes to MSNBC’s answer to Elizabeth Hasslehoff, none other than Joe Scarborough. Now, to those of you who are fortunate enough to have never heard of Joe, back in the 90’s he served in the House of Representatives for 14 minutes and then spent 14 years telling everyone about it. For this achievement, MSNBC decided that he should be given 3 hours each morning to sip coffee and berate anyone who disagrees with him. This week, Joe heaped criticism on two real journalists who were arrested by Ferguson paramilitary police for sitting in a McDonald’s eating French fries and typing on their laptops. One of the reporters filmed the incident, sparking harsh criticism from Starbuck Joe:

“Am I a sucker for when the police officer comes in and says, ‘Hey, we need you to move along?’ … for actually listening and moving along, or should I sit there and question him?”

Now, I understand Joe’s confusion here. First, although Mika and the regular panel of court jesters make him think otherwise, Joe’s closest brush with journalism has been reading newspapers in the men’s room stall. Second, he is used to responding to the words “move along”, but usually uttered by his ex-wives, not the police.

Informed of Joe’s comments in a CNN interview, one of the reporters in question had this to say:

“Well, I would invite Joe Scarborough to come down to Ferguson and get out of 30 Rock where he’s sitting and sipping his Starbucks smugly, I invite him to come and talk to the residents of Ferguson…”

WOAH, THERE!!! Joe? Come into the actual scene of a hot news story and report from the ground? Nope, that is not going to happen unless there is a local Starbuck’s filled with adoring, cheering fans and a very safe distance from people telling anything resembling the truth. NO WAY! Joe will always remain a safe distance from actual reporting, cuddled by Mika and his band of Merry Yes-persons. Ah, the warm feeling of siting behind a cable news desk. Or was that Joe wetting his pants after being scolded by a real reporter?

This week the on Episode 305 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the chicken littles of the Ebola scare, Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh were our Clowns of the Week. Now, Ebola is a deadly disease with symptoms of vomiting, high fever, and headache. The headache is mostly due to listening to the Duo of Doom, Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh.

First, the Donald demanded victims of the disease not be allowed to enter the United States. After all, we have enough problems already and besides, anyone who would go to Africa to help relieve suffering has to live or die with the consequences, sort of like the people who unwittingly turn on “Celebrity Apprentice” and then suffer a seizure. The Donald reminded us this week that if you lie down with dogs, you get up with an ugly patch of fur on your head. 

Then came Rush Limbaugh whose claim to fame is an oxycodone addiction and a low opinion of sexually active co-eds. He warned his listeners this week that Ebola is just the latest plot the left has developed to advance their agenda. If you challenge his theory, he will remind you of the ‘80’s when liberals used AIDS to try to discredit President Reagan. Remember when all those America haters deliberately contracted a terminal disease just to defy the greatest president this country has ever had? And just when the Kenyan pretender is about to be impeached, BINGO! EBOLA! Yes sir, the left will stop at nothing to take away freedom from fat white gun loving prescription drug addicts. And there you have it; the plot laid out by two of the greatest minds since Moe, Larry and Curly.

This week on Episode 304 of the Tim Corrimal Show John Boehner and his band of merry madmen were the featured GOP clowns of the week. As you may already know, this week the House adjourned for a six week vacation from the hard work of avoiding hard work. But before they left DC, the GOP overwhelmingly voted to authorize Speaker John Boehner to sue the president for his alleged abuses of executive orders, and then criticized the president for not using more executive orders. Now, suing the president was not the only action the GOP authorized Boehner to do. Though not reported by the mainstream media, here is a list of actions authorized by the GOP leadership in case the lawsuit fizzles:

  • Place a bag full of cow droppings on the White House porch, light it on fire, ring the doorbell and hide until the president comes to the door and steps on the bag.
  • Call the White House repeatedly, ask for the president and when the president comes to the phone, hang up.
  • Throw rolls of toilet paper on all the White House trees.
  • Throw Eggs at Air Force One.
  • Sue Bo, the president’s dog.
  • At the next SOTU address, sneak up behind the president and give him a wedgie.

Other options were proposed but rejected; the most interesting was suing McCain and Romney for losing their elections. Good luck, Mr. Speaker and remember to take your whoopee cushion on your next trip to the White House!