Archive for April, 2017

424

This week, the White House made news when all 100 senators were invited to attend a briefing on the North Korean crisis. It was an unusual move to hold such a briefing at the White House instead of at the Capitol, where such briefings are normally held. But our reporting now reveals that there may have been a more nefarious motive behind the invitation, and the details are disturbing.

Sources close to one democratic senator have told the Clown Car Network (CCN) that fifty Democratic senators have been kidnapped by a person or persons unknown. Our source, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation, claim that the buses that were supposed to take the senators to the White House for a briefing on North Korea were actually used to take them to another location, or worse.  Eyewitnesses who were at the Capitol Building for a tour said that they saw the senators boarding the bus, but they all seemed at first to be in a jovial mood.  “No one seemed to be coerced into getting on the bus”, Carly Deitrick, a tourist from Wilmington Delaware, told us. “We were all taking photos with our iPhones and they were smiling and waving,” she said.

But then, something happened that made one of the tourists suspicious. They seemed to start separating the group, putting the Republican senators on one bus, and all the Democrats on another.  Gene Harlow of Omaha, Nebraska told us, “In fact, they were quite rough with the democrats and at one point Elizabeth Warren refused to get on the bus and was tasered by Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell.  According to Mr. Harlow, McConnell was heard to say “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”

At first, both buses proceed down Pennsylvania Avenue but only the one carrying the republicans stopped at the White House. The other bus with the democratic senators kept moving and eventually got on to the D.C. beltway. FBI director James Comey said at a press conference that the bus with the markings “Last Tours” was last seen at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. Comey said he believes that from there a plane took the democratic senators to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

On senate staffer told us that early last week the senators were told that there was to be a briefing at the White House on the North Korean crisis. Each of the senators was given top secret classified documents to review ahead of time. Since the documents were encrypted, it took some time for staff to translate them and have them printed in time for the democratic senators to review.  Unfortunately, they were not quite ready by the time the buses arrived. As the senators were separated and the democrats headed into their bus, a senate staffer ran down the steps of the Capitol screaming and waving a document. This seemed to be the point when things got rough at the democrats’ bus as they panicked when they heard the staffer screaming, “IT”S A COOKBOOK!”

 

423

Well, it’s been one-hundred days since the Orange Menace took office but it seems like one hundred years! In the last few days, he has boasted that he has accomplished more in that time than any other president before him. So, in the tradition of most news organizations, the Clown Car decided to fact-check his claim. To do this, we compared his record with the president who set the standard for the first one-hundred days of the presidency, Franklin D. Roosevelt. Then rated his claim on the Joe Wilson Scale of You Lie. Here’s what we found.

  • Between March 8 and June 16, Congress followed Roosevelt’s lead by passing an incredible fifteen separate bills and several of the programs are still around in the federal government today. Between January 20 and April 28, Trump passed so much gas that most of the odor is still around in the federal government today.
  • In his first hundred days, Franklin Roosevelt declared a bank holiday to prevent the banking system from collapsing. In his first hundred days, Trump declared a Big Mac holiday to prevent his belly from collapsing.
  • To prevent deflation, Roosevelt ended the Gold Standard. To deflate his stomach, Trump took a dump on a gold toilet.
  • Roosevelt signed the Glass-Steagall Act, preventing investment banks from using deposits for investment. Trump declared alternate facts, preventing anyone from using facts to check his tweets.
  • In his first hundred days, Franklin Roosevelt initiated massive government spending to “prime the pump” of the economy. Trump had to have his stomach pumped to flush out the remains of a well-done steak with ketchup.
  • Roosevelt established the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to back up deposits against loss up to twenty-five hundred dollars. Trump got backed up big time after eating a bowl of nachos with Cheese Whiz.
  • Roosevelt signed the Federal Securities Act into law, which regulated what Wall Street bankers could do with the stock market. Trump nominated Wall Street bankers to all his cabinet positions to ensure their federal security.
  • Roosevelt signed the Agriculture Adjustment Act, that helped reduce crop surpluses and increase prices for crops. Trump reduced ethics standards for the presidency to increase profits from his businesses.
  • Roosevelt started the Civilian Conservation Corps: putting  250,000 young men to work in rural conservation projects in national parks and forests. Trump started the Civilian Survivor Corps, putting everyone on notice that they may have to live in parks and forests.
  • Roosevelt started the Tennessee Valley Authority providing electrification and other basic improvements to the impoverished interior of the South. Trump signed an executive order to allow the coal industry to provide polluted water and unbreathable air to the impoverished interior of the south.
  • Roosevelt signed the National Industrial Recovery Act created new agencies and regulations that tightened the relationship between government and business. Trump initiated the Trump Foundation Recovery Act, tightening the flow of money between government and his businesses.
  • Roosevelt signed the Federal Emergency Relief Act, providing direct relief, training and work for unemployed Americans. Trump started the Trump Family Relief Project, providing direct profits, sweet deals, and branding opportunities for his unemployed family members.

So after reviewing Trump’s first hundred days to that of the Roosevelt administration, we give Trump’s claim, that he has accomplished more in his first hundred days that any other president, five Joe Wilsons!

Joe Wilsons

*Roosevelt accomplishments as reported on www.shmoop.com.

422

Faster than a speeding Tomahawk Missile. More powerful than the Mother of All Bombs. Able to leap Sean Spicer in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a man! It’s a real estate agent. No, it’s SuperJared! Yes, it’s SuperJared, strange visitor from another family who came to Trumpopolis with money and real estate holdings far beyond those of mortal men. SuperJared, who can change the course of legislation, bend his father-in-law with his bare hands. And who, disguised as Ivanka’s husband, mild-mannered heir to a great metropolitan branding mogul, fights a never-ending battle for revenge, money and the Trumpian way. And now on Episode 422 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we feature the adventures of SuperJared.

In today’s adventure, SuperJared’s arch-enemy, the hygiene-challenged madman, Lex Bannon, is scheming to take over the world. His newest plan involves the madman’s latest dastardly invention, the Shrink-O-Ray. Bannon, along with his loyal and equally greasy assistant, Typhoid Conway,  plans to use the ray to shrink the president down to the size of his own penis and put him into a condom containing an exact replica of the Oval Office. Conway is skeptical of the plan and wonders aloud if it has a chance of working. “Of course it will work,” Lex Bannon says with a sinister laugh, “just look at what it did to his hands!” Conway and Bannon start howling together with the image of little Donald stuffed in a condom.

Meanwhile, in another part of the White House, Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared, are meeting with Russian and Chinese bankers to finance her newest idea for child care for poor working families, a chain of daycare centers run by undocumented aliens forced to wear uniforms from her line of clothing. Suddenly they hear the clanking of a large piece of equipment being rolled past the conference room. Ivanka peeks out and tells Jared that Bannon and Conway moving something that looks like a food cart toward her father’s office. Becoming suspicious, Jared excuses himself from the meeting with the excuse that “you can only rent coffee!” Everyone chuckles unaware of his real intention.

Quietly, in a stall in the executive bathroom, Jared Kushner removes his sweater vest to reveal his true identity, SuperJared! On his chest was emblazoned the letter “K”, the seal of the Family of K. SuperJared’s real name, Jar-K was from his native planet, Shiftyon. He was sent to earth just before his father, Chuck-K was sent to prison for tampering with Shiftyon’s orbit. On earth, Jar-K had super-powers due the gold found everywhere in Trumpopolis. His only vulnerability was felonite,  a radioactive material left over after his father’s trial and conviction.

Now, in his real identity of SuperJared, he streaked to the Oval Office with super-speed where Lex Bannon and Typhoid Conway were just about to turn President Trump into condom size pee-pee. Disguised as a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, original recipe, they already had the barrel of the Shrink-O-Ray aimed right at the president’s stomach, the easiest target to hit. Just then, SuperJared crashed the door of the Oval Office causing the taxpayers of Trumpopolis four-million dollars in repair costs. “Stop!” he yelled and grabbed Conway’s hair, trying to pull her away from the weapon. But SuperJared was unable to hang on since Conway’s hair was greasy with the residue of felonite and not being washed for a month. This gave Lex Bannon just enough time to complete the firing sequence on the Shrink-O-Ray and smacked Donald right in the breadbasket! He immediately shrunk and was vacuumed into the orange condom attached to the weapon. SuperJared was too late, and the president could not be saved. Just then, Ivanka, hearing the commotion, ran into the Oval Office. She was shocked to find her father stuffed into a condom and SuperJared holding Conway and Bannon for the Secret Service to arrest them. Just then, Ivanka noticed that SuperJared has toilet paper trailing from his tights. “Why, Jared! You were SuperJared all along!” His secret identity revealed, Jared kissed Ivanka and admitted the truth.

“Well quick, SuperJared,” Ivanka said, “fly fast around the word and turn daddy back!” “No,” SuperJared said with a smile, “let’s just keep him like this for the rest of his term. After all, he has been screwing things up pretty bad the first hundred days.” “But who will run everything?” Ivanka wondered aloud. “Well, I will,” boasted SuperJared, “I will run EVERYTHING!” “But what about dad in that orange condom?” “Don’t worry, dear, to him it is like nothing ever changed. To him, he is still one big prick!”

 

421

Breaking news on Episode 421 of the Tim Corrimal Show!

President Trump today signed an executive order banning the use of certain salad dressing from being used in the country until further notice. The ban targets specific types of dressing including French, Greek, Italian, Ceasar, Thousand Island, Ranch, and Catalina. The ban is to go into effect immediately. Trump’s order states that use of these six dressings will be banned until, as the president stated, “we can find out what the hell is in them!” Further, the executive order directs the TSA, and ICE personnel to give preference to the entry of Russian dressing, which the president identified as being unjustly persecuted.

In the wake of the signing of the executive order, chaos has broken out at the nation’s restaurants and fast food chains. There was total confusion on what to do about salad dressings that have already been ordered by customers or have been stored in restaurant refrigerators. Reports have surfaced of salads and salad bars being detained in the kitchens of restaurants until the dressings on them could be thoroughly vetted. In many cases, customers have had to go straight to their appetizers or in extreme cases, right to the entree without having their salads served. Pro-salad dressing groups and salad dressing attorneys are reportedly on the scene trying to get these salad dressings admitted and sent to their destination tables.

“We are here to offer free legal advice to any salad dressing that has been illegally detained as a result of this unconstitutional ban issued by the president,” said Amy Smith of the Legal Center for Free Dressing Choice. “Whether you have ordered your dressing on your salad or on the side, this is a miscarriage of justice. People expecting to have their salads have been delayed here for hours until details of the ban are clarified,” Ms. Smith, who was working at a table in the Brooklyn Pizza Hut, told us that by her count, at least fifty salad orders were being detained at this location alone. “It is causing total chaos and the customers have been waiting hours to see what awaits their salads,” she told us.

Within hours of the ban’s announcement, spontaneous demonstrations of support have broken out all over the country. At the food court in LAX airport, police say at least ten-thousand pro-salad dressing supporters gathered outside to protest the president’s executive order. Signs saying “Free Our Fat-Free” and “Don’t Serve Our Constitution On The Side” were seen as protesters blocked the “Pick-Up” line.  One protestor told me she drove all the way from Catalina when she learned of the ban. “I live in Catalina,” Myra Donnally told me, as she waved a sign that declared “Catalina Dressing Just Wants To Be Part Of America!” “We have decent, law abiding dressings where I come from, and this ban hurts”, she told me while tears filled her eyes.

At least three legal challenges to the ban have already been filed in Federal Courts around the country.  Ellen Rosenblum, Oregon’s Attorney General, was the first to file for a stay of the order. In a statement issued with the filing, Ms. Rosenblum said:

It has always been the constitutional right of our people to have whatever salad dressing they want on their salads, regardless of their origins. In our state, in particular, we have many ranchers who look to the United States as a free and open market for Ranch dressing. To favor Russian dressing over Ranch is not only discriminatory, it is absolutely un-American!

For the administration’s part, it is fiercely pushing back at any suggestion that the executive order is outside the president’s authority. At an impromptu press briefing, press secretary Sean Spicer, in a contentious exchange with American Urban Radio Networks’ April Ryan, began screaming:

If the president puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that’s Russian dressing favoritism! At some point April, you’re going to have to take no for an answer to ‘can I have Asian Balsamic on my spinach”

As he angrily stalked off from the press briefing, a reporter shouted out a question to which Spicer furiously responded, “No, that stain on my tie is not Russian dressing, it’s mustard!”