Archive for June, 2019

519

You come from Wal-Mart, you come from Hobby Lobby, you crawl from under rocks. Here at the Clown Car Update, we know how hard it is to be a Trump supporter. Being an ignoramus totally cut off from all brain-nourishing oxygen can be enough to make you want to wear a MAGA hat and a tee shirt that says “Yes, I am as stupid as I look!” And at this week’s Trump 2020 kickoff rally, you were swallowed up in a sea of camouflage pants, Q-Anon mutants, and Info Wars fish-people.

But on top of all that humiliation, do you really want to add to the pain by having your upper plate fall out on national TV when a reporter asks, “Why do you support Trump?” The answer does not have to be “Because he is the best president we’ve had in a ‘lungtum!'” as your upper plate falls onto your tongue. You could have saved that moment with a strong dental adhesive and here at the Clown Car, we are here to help our friends at the MAGAPalooza. Exclusively from the Clown Car Update, inspired by the makers of Polident, we are introducing “Get-A-Grip,” the denture adhesive for MAGAPalooza 2020!

Why piss money away like a Russian hooker on Donald Trump’s mattress? Our “Get-A-Grip” dental adhesive is made from the same ingredients used to fill in the dents in your RV! That’s right, we have taken Bondo and mixed it with a fresh mint flavor to give you the confidence to scream to the world, “I am as dull as a butter knife!” And the fresh minty taste will mean that everyone around you will never suspect that you haven’t brushed your teeth since 2016.

And “Get-A-Grip” comes with an empty tube guarantee. If for any reason you do not feel the confidence to yell “Lock her up!” or “Build that wall!” without spitting your dentures into the empty skull of the person in front of you, just return the unused portion for a full refund. We are so confident that you will love our product that for a limited time only we will send you an old Trump brand steak and an honorary diploma from Trump University. What better way to say to the libtards, “I got book learnin’!”

So do what dozens of Trump supporters have done already and Bondo your teeth to your rotting gums for a permanent hold that you never had on reality. And remember, as election day 2020 approaches and you prepare to vote for Trump again, just pause and think “Maybe I should “Get-A-Grip!”

 

518

This week Mean Mr. Mustard, AKA Donald Trump got the chance to embarrass the United States once again by visiting the United Kingdom and insulting a member of the Royal Family and the Mayor of London before he even touched down on British soil. Needless to say, the British Secret Service was closely monitoring his visit mostly to make sure that none of the Royal silverware was missing after the state dinner. As a result, the Clown Car Update was able to obtain a transcript of an MI6 intercepted phone call Trump made to Sean Hannity while he was staying in London. Following is the transcript of that phone call:

Ring, ring, ring…Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Sean Hannity. I can’t come to the phone right now because my head is so far up Donald Trump’s ass that I can taste what he had for breakfast. If you leave your name, your number, and a brief message I will get back to you sometime after my waterboarding. Ha, Ha! 

Hey Sean, guess who and guess where I am? It’s me, Donnie and I’m here in England. Boy, are these people weird! They call this country the UK so I asked one of the Queen’s Guards ‘does that stand for Under Kunstruction?’ That went right over his head which was really hard because did you ever see how high those fur things are on their head? What a loser!

Anyway, they really like me here and even have balloons with me as a baby in a diaper because they obviously think it’s my birthday. They love me here and the big crowds think must think I’m doing a great job at home as president because they have big signs telling me to go back there.  

And Sean, I met the Queen and her husband Prince Philip who, not many people know this, is the Duke of Hamburders or something like that. Did you know the Queen is ninety-three years old? Poor guy is married to that old bat. Wow. I dump them after thirty-five. Anyway, they told me I had to bring him a gift so I gave him Stormy Daniel’s phone number. Ha, ha! By the way, no one ever knew this but the Queen has her hair done at Sports Clips of London. Also, she smells like mothballs, which is her nickname for Prince Philip. They tell me she’s been on the throne for sixty-six years? Boy, that’s a long time to be constipated. LOL!

And Sean, I thought England was really advanced, but all their clocks are wrong. Every clock, including that Big Ben one they are so proud of, is five hours ahead. And their cars are really screwed up too. Believe it or not, they put the steering wheels on all their cars where the passenger sits and instead of fixing them, they just drive on the wrong side of the road. 

Anyway, call me back when you get a chance but I have to go because my hookers are here. I guess you might say I have to Pissexit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

517https://timcorrimal.com/2019/06/episode-517-fat-donnies-clothing-warehouse/

Do you eat like a garbage disposal at a fast food restaurant? Are your thighs so wide that you have to have an escort car when you drive on the highway? Do little creatures crawl from the folds of fat on what used to be a human waistline? Well, all these problems can make buying a well-fitting suit a daunting if not impossible mission. But no longer! Just do what President Trump does and shop at Fat Donnie’s Presidential Clothing Warehouse, were pouring a globule lump of flesh into a pinstripe paradise of fabric is just a fitting room and little WD-40 away.

You’ve all seen pictures of President Trump at Arlington Cemetery this week in one of our suits with his shoes covered in his extra long pants. And who can forget last Easter when he went to church with Tiffany and Melania looking like a rhinoceros wearing a circus tent? Well, those outfits at are just a small sample of the beautiful and generously cut outfits available right off the rack at Fat Donnie’s Presidential Clothing Warehouse. We have a fat suit for the fat president and all the accessories to match. Just listen to our inventory:

  • Underwear and Socks: To have a great look you have to have a great foundation and when you are holding up the structure of a four-hundred-ton barrel of flesh like Trump, move over Calvin Kline! All our Mighty-Tidy underwear are made of the finest copper mesh reinforced with stainless steel ribbing that even an expanding mass of gas like Donald Trump cannot break out of. And our socks come in Donnie Trump sizes small, extra small, and I-never-saw-a-man’s-feet-that-tiny.
  • Dress Shirts: If you need extra room to let your man-boobs roam, Fat Donnie’s Dress Shirts are for you! Our dress shirts are made from the same fabric that the Army Airborne uses in their parachutes. As a matter of fact, the shirts Donald wears are actual parachutes. And with a full thirty yards of fabric, Donnie never worries about nipple irritation. And our easy care shirts are machine washable so feel free to pour the ketchup on that two-pound steak, Mr. President!
  • Belts: Our Fat Donnie belts have been seen around the world. No, literally they go completely around the world and they have to in order to fit around Fat Donnie’s fat ass! So don’t worry about your waist, because if Fat Donnie can fasten these belts around his equator, you will have no problem. They come in sizes fifty to one-hundred fifty and if you prefer, we have custom fit lengths of rope.
  • Ties: Trump likes them long, like a stream of urine flowing from a tall Russian hooker and at Fat Donnie’s Presidential Clothing Warehouse we have them! Our ties are so long they will easily compensate for the inadequacies you have in the penis department. Just let our custom ties drag on the ground like your knuckles. And since they are made of the finest silk, you never have to worry about making excuses about shrinkage!
  • Suits: Think of it, a designer suit can set you back as much as ten-thousand dollars! Well, move over “Dolce & Gabbana” because here comes “Dotard & Cabana” the Fat Donnie’s line of amply cut suits. Our jackets can fit around a charging elephant and our pant legs can easily hold several small bear cubs. And never worry about the length because our suit pants are cut extra long so that no one will ever see that toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

And don’t’ forget Fat Donnie’s Presidential Clothing Warehouse line of casual clothing from tennis shirts to our line of golfing pants with built-in Depends to avoid those embarrassing brown and yellow stains. So whether you are going golfing with Prime Minister Abe or having dinner with Queen Elizabeth, stop at Fat Donnie’s and cover up that body like you covered up the USS John McCain. The world and our eyeballs will thank you!