Archive for April, 2021

Well it was a week of Looney Tunes! We had Marjorie Taylor Greene starting the KKK Caucus in the United States House of Representatives. That’s right, although she called it the “America First” caucus, what she meant was the “Nutty White People” caucus. Her plans were scrapped however due to intense media backlash and more importantly a severe shortage of white hoods and robes due to COVID.

Also this week, the My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, was back shouting in the news at the launch of his new social media platform “FRANK.” To celebrate his launch, Lindell stayed on the air for forty-eight hours straight yelling and screaming about everything from goose-down to Jimmy Kimmel. Of course the site crashed immediately upon launch so Lindell, ever the conspiracy theorist, blamed the website’s problems to a “massive attack!” Of course it was never made clear who the attackers were, lizard people or Jewish satellite lasers.

But the biggest trend this week was the annual Spring release of new books ready for your Summer beach reading. This year was a particularly good year for former Republican officeholders and Trump officials trying to make a quick buck on their crimes while at the same time trying to clean up their reputations. We had books from John Boehner, Bill Barr, and Sean Spicer to name a few. In fact, Sean Spicer claimed his book-signings drew the biggest crowds, PERIOD!

But some of the lesser stars of the Trump Crime Family had some ideas for books of their own. These lesser names you may have missed, so here are some of the tell-all books coming out this summer:

  • A Clockwork Orange”: Jim “Bubba” Kubrick, least known son of Stanley Kubrick, reveals that he is the makeup artist behind Donald Trump’s daily orange glow. In the book he shares his secrets of how he kept that big, ugly puss looking just like he fell out of a pumpkin truck. “It was always a challenge, but the jowls were what I was most proud of,” Jim says in this memoir. Glamour Magazine gives this fascinating book Five Tangerines!
  • Revenge of the Nerd”: Stephen Miller chronicles his rise from a Hitler Youth stuffed in a locker by some high school jocks to the man who was the architect of the Trump’s immigration policies and chief spokesman for Toppik Hair Thickening spray. “It’s the Mein Kampf of a new generation,” says the Reich Ministry for Propaganda and Hair Restoration.
  • “Islands in the Stream”: Marina Urineallova, a Russian hooker, tells the story of the time she passed a kidney stone while pissing on the future president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. The New York Times book review says it’s “easy flowing and full of rock solid surprises!”
  • “Snakes on a Plane”: John “Snoopy” Fliebouy, the former pilot of Trump’s Air Force One, tells what it was like shuttling the Trump family and staff all over the world while not once giving in to nausea. Along with his co-pilot, John tells some harrowing stories of flying with the first family that Newsweek Magazine calls “hisssssssssstorically significant!”
  • “The Room Where it Happened”: This is the fascinating story of Trump’s private bathroom where some of the biggest dumps in presidential history took place. Told by Trump’s former plumber, Tom “Plunger” Flushman, he details the horrors of the Trump toilet after a breakfast of burritos and Cholula hot sauce. Time Magazine calls it “a real dump of information and one stinker of a book!”
  • “Brokeback Whitehouse”: Mike Pence recounts his four year journey from presidential lap dog to one lap ahead of a lynch mob in this heartfelt account of unrequited love. The New York Times calls this “The Brokeback Mountain of Vice-Presidential history!”

    So this summer get your vaccination, go to the beach, rent an umbrella and curl up with a book written by an old Trump staffer. Remember what they say about a book by an ex-Trumper: A good Trump book is like a nice walk in the park. It sounded like a good idea at the time until you realize that someone just picked your pocket!

Like an outbreak of shingles, Matt Gaetz just refuses to go away quietly. He’s a painful rash that keeps you up at night itching and burning. This week, new reporting from CNN detailed the parties that the congressman attended that included cocaine, ecstasy, and worst of all, sex with Matt Gaetz. The parties would often occur after an official Republican event with the attendees still wearing their formal wear. Yes, these parties had everything except Russian hookers pissing on Matt’s cummerbund (sorry Donald). According to the report, “the first thing some of the women were asked to do when they got to the house was to put away their cellphones.” After all, even for money, who wants to be recorded having sex with Matt Gaetz? But previously undiscovered recordings from these parties were leaked exclusively to the Clown Car Update. Thankfully they were not video recordings so no one on our staff was injured in reporting this event. What the recording does reveal is the pick-up lines Matt Gaetz used when trolling the women at these mini-orgies. According to the women, he loved to talk about politics! So here is a sample from the recordings:

I always get the swinger vote.

You know what they say, big forehead, big…

You’re quite a pretty little filly. would you like to see my filly-buster?

My seat in Congress expires in two years but your seat won’t quit!

I surveyed the room and you won my “pole!”

I pass bills in Congress. Can I pass you an STD?

I’m open to anything, babes. I’m bicameral!

No, that’s not my pocket Constitution. I’m just glad to see you!

Believe me, I’m no lame duck!

No need for birth control with me, baby. I have a great exit “pole.”

I’d love to tickle your cloture.

I’d love to stuff your ballot box!

Just wait until you see my discharge petition!

Come over to my place and I’ll show you my Majority Whip!

So are you into backbenchers?

This is just a sample of the hundreds of lines that were on the recording. Some of them are not work-friendly. But the one pickup line we would love to hear is someone saying, “you have the right to remain silent!”

GaetzGate! It’s in the news and in your nose because like Matt Gaetz himself, it stinks. For those who may have not been paying attention, Matt Gaetz, the congressman voted People Magazine’s most slap-able face on the planet, has been accused of sex trafficking. And yes of course, he is a Republican, the party of family values. Or should we say, the family of partying values? In any event, Matt has been exploring new employment ideas one of which is an advice column. Now here at the Clown Car Update we believe in due process even in the case of rat-fuckers like old Matty boy. So to give the guy a chance, here are some samples of his “Advice for Dating” column now running on your local 4Chan network:

Dear Matt,
Recently I was elected to Congress from Georgia’s 14th Congressional District. Before that, I was a gym rat who would have sex with anything that walked, crawled, or slithered into the gym. Now that I’m in Congress, no one seems to want to have sex with me. Even Kevin McCarthy made me take a shower just to shake his hand at my swearing-in. I’m getting desperate enough that I have thought of gunning someone down with my AR-15 just to jump his dead bones! HELP!
Majorie Taylor Blue in DC

Dear Blue in DC,
I, too, have had trouble getting dates in DC since my election. It’s all the fault of Antifa and the Black Lives Matter movement. It’s called “cancel culture” and these radicals are trying to cancel our sex lives. The good news is that, for a price, I have a guy in Florida who can arrange for a hook-up. Send me your information about your age preference and I will see what he can do. Allow four to six weeks for a response as he is in federal prison awaiting trial.

Matty

Dear Matt,
I really need your help. Recently I was filmed in a hotel room lying on a bed fixing my junk. It was a frame-up since I was really looking for the hair dye I accidentally dropped down my pants. Also, my lower plate is loose from all the screaming I did about Dominion voting machines. Should I sue?
Leaking in Philadelphia

Dear Leaking,
Maybe you should check your inbox or a newspaper before suing Dominion. Also, I have to check my junk every day for FBI bugs, so I know the feeling.
Matty

Dear Matt,
I am a white, white, male approaching 60. My wife insists on nothing but the missionary position. Plus, she insists I call her “mother!” And forget oral sex, the closest we ever come is when she gargles before bed. I heard you have some contacts in the local high schools. Can you fix me up?
No BJ’s in Indiana

Dear No BJ’s,
Hey, have you ever heard of Marjorie Taylor Green?

Dear Matt,
It seems the more I try, the more everyone hates me. My wife hates me because I let the president call her ugly. My father hates me because I let the president call him an assassin. My kids hate me because I blamed them for leaving Texas during the power outage. How can I get people to like me?
Despised in Cancun

Dear Despised,
Truth is, even I hate you! The best advice I can give you is to go to the nearest Metro station and lay on the tracks.
Matt
y

Dear Matt,
I’m seventeen years old and would like to go to the Bahamas this weekend. Where can I find a date?
Waiting in Homeroom

Dear Homeroom,
First, I told you never to use this column to contact me. Give me a minute to get plane tickets and I’ll meet you at the
airport. Do you still take Apple Pay?
Matty

Unfortunately, right after that last letter Mr. Gaetz was taken into custody. at Reagan International Airport. But not to worry, Matt expects to be back writing his column as soon as he raises bail with a fundraiser. Because as Matt’s girlfriends say, “with a face like his, you need all the money you can get!”

Admit it! We all miss him. The misogyny, the crudeness, the crass hubris, and the constant lying filled our days with absolute fear of waking up every morning during the Trump Regime. And that’s to say nothing of his fun filled adventures under the streaming glory of Russian hookers. Yea, you miss them too! Well we all got really good news this week when Donald J. Trump blessed the world with a brand new website dedicated to memorializing his four years in office. It’s called 45office.com and no, it is not a new Microsoft program. It is chuck full of our favorite moments in Trump history like kissing Kim jong-un’s ass on both cheeks across the thirty-eighth parallel. And who can forget the tree peelers of the famous Melania “Be Best” campaign!

But if as if walking down the memory lane of Trump’s imaginary accomplishments was not enough, the website has a special section where us common folk can schedule Trump or the Trump couple to attend our next big event. Imagine having Mr. 45 giving a toast at your wedding! Or better yet. being the guest Mohel at your next Bris! OUCH! Well, if that’s not in your budget, 45office.com offers a less expensive way to say “Hey, I’m an asshole and want to drive home the point with a message from another asshole!” Yes, for a small fee, the 45th president of the United States will record a message for any occasion you have scheduled. There are eleven categories ranging from birthdays to Eagle Scout Award. Here are some of the greetings you can have for your very own:

How about a birthday greeting for that veteran…

Happy birthday to Army Sergeant Major McCormick! Glad to hear a sucker like you made it to your 40th birthday. So in addition to being a loser, now you’re old. Enjoy your day!

Or how about that new arrival…

Congratulations on your new baby! I hope you’re not undocumented or we’ll just have to take that little bundle and keep him in detention.

Or a condolence message for the loss of a loved one…

Sorry to hear of the passing of your grandmother. But to be honest, she was getting a little long in the tooth and really nobody has been hitting on her for a long time. From what I hear her last couple of years were a complete disaster!

Or what could beat a toast at your wedding…

Take it from me, your first marriage can really be bad, especially if you forget to get a pre-nup. And having kids with that first wife can be a real disaster. Think Don Jr and Eric. But if you can have a hot daughter like Ivanka, it can be fun. Anyway, here’s to a quick and clean divorce settlement!

Or how about that new Eagle Scout in your family…

Wow! Eagle Scout. Do they have a merit badge for grifting? How about bankruptcy or tax fraud? No? Oh well, I guess I wouldn’t have done very well in the scouts. But let me tell you about the sex parties we used to have on my friend’s yacht…

So if you’ve been missing old Trumpty-Dumpty here’s your chance to have him back in your life for a small fee and a large bucket of self-loathing. Go to 45office.com and please allow six weeks for processing your order since it takes time to settle the lawsuits from previous requests. If you’re a fan of Trump’s, 45office.com will take you back to the bad old days. For the the rest of us, in the words of President Joe Biden, “Just shut up, man!”