Well it was a week of Looney Tunes! We had Marjorie Taylor Greene starting the KKK Caucus in the United States House of Representatives. That’s right, although she called it the “America First” caucus, what she meant was the “Nutty White People” caucus. Her plans were scrapped however due to intense media backlash and more importantly a severe shortage of white hoods and robes due to COVID.
Also this week, the My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, was back shouting in the news at the launch of his new social media platform “FRANK.” To celebrate his launch, Lindell stayed on the air for forty-eight hours straight yelling and screaming about everything from goose-down to Jimmy Kimmel. Of course the site crashed immediately upon launch so Lindell, ever the conspiracy theorist, blamed the website’s problems to a “massive attack!” Of course it was never made clear who the attackers were, lizard people or Jewish satellite lasers.
But the biggest trend this week was the annual Spring release of new books ready for your Summer beach reading. This year was a particularly good year for former Republican officeholders and Trump officials trying to make a quick buck on their crimes while at the same time trying to clean up their reputations. We had books from John Boehner, Bill Barr, and Sean Spicer to name a few. In fact, Sean Spicer claimed his book-signings drew the biggest crowds, PERIOD!
But some of the lesser stars of the Trump Crime Family had some ideas for books of their own. These lesser names you may have missed, so here are some of the tell-all books coming out this summer:
- “A Clockwork Orange”: Jim “Bubba” Kubrick, least known son of Stanley Kubrick, reveals that he is the makeup artist behind Donald Trump’s daily orange glow. In the book he shares his secrets of how he kept that big, ugly puss looking just like he fell out of a pumpkin truck. “It was always a challenge, but the jowls were what I was most proud of,” Jim says in this memoir. Glamour Magazine gives this fascinating book Five Tangerines!
- “Revenge of the Nerd”: Stephen Miller chronicles his rise from a Hitler Youth stuffed in a locker by some high school jocks to the man who was the architect of the Trump’s immigration policies and chief spokesman for Toppik Hair Thickening spray. “It’s the Mein Kampf of a new generation,” says the Reich Ministry for Propaganda and Hair Restoration.
- “Islands in the Stream”: Marina Urineallova, a Russian hooker, tells the story of the time she passed a kidney stone while pissing on the future president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. The New York Times book review says it’s “easy flowing and full of rock solid surprises!”
- “Snakes on a Plane”: John “Snoopy” Fliebouy, the former pilot of Trump’s Air Force One, tells what it was like shuttling the Trump family and staff all over the world while not once giving in to nausea. Along with his co-pilot, John tells some harrowing stories of flying with the first family that Newsweek Magazine calls “hisssssssssstorically significant!”
- “The Room Where it Happened”: This is the fascinating story of Trump’s private bathroom where some of the biggest dumps in presidential history took place. Told by Trump’s former plumber, Tom “Plunger” Flushman, he details the horrors of the Trump toilet after a breakfast of burritos and Cholula hot sauce. Time Magazine calls it “a real dump of information and one stinker of a book!”
- “Brokeback Whitehouse”: Mike Pence recounts his four year journey from presidential lap dog to one lap ahead of a lynch mob in this heartfelt account of unrequited love. The New York Times calls this “The Brokeback Mountain of Vice-Presidential history!”
So this summer get your vaccination, go to the beach, rent an umbrella and curl up with a book written by an old Trump staffer. Remember what they say about a book by an ex-Trumper: A good Trump book is like a nice walk in the park. It sounded like a good idea at the time until you realize that someone just picked your pocket!
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