Archive for February, 2020

This week was the week of the pardon. Yes, there is nothing like a crime boss being elected district attorney, but that is exactly what has happened this week. Declaring that he is the chief law enforcement officer of the United States, Trump scoured the earth for some of the most repulsive characters of the last twenty years and granted them pardons. It included felons convicted of insider trading, tax fraud, extortion, purgery, obstruction of justice, and criminal contempt. In other words, Trump impersonators. But the list that was released on Tuesday didn’t include all the pardons and the Clown Car Update has obtained a list of pardons that didn’t make the headlines yet are remarkable on their own. Here, then, are Trump’s other pardons:

  • Ivana Trump: Guilty of giving birth to Donald Jr. and Eric, Trump granted Ivana a pardon for giving him a really, really hot daughter. In his declaration, he forgave her for Don Jr. and said he’s already forgotten who Eric is already.
  • Irina Krupin: Never heard of Irina? Well, she was the Russian hooker who had a urinary tract infection during Donnie’s golden shower in Moscow. He pardoned her for not being able to perform due to an illness.
  • Al Capone: This posthumous pardon was given by Trump in sympathy because he shared two things with Mr. Capone: Tax evasion and syphilitic dementia.
  • Jeffrey Dahmer: Another posthumous pardon. Said Trump when he signed the pardon, “He was a meat lover just like me! Who can’t relate?”
  • Lindsey Graham: No, he was never convicted of a crime but his lips did leave Donnie’s lips for three seconds last week which in Trump’s world is a prosecutable offense.
  • The GrubHub delivery guy: Could have been the crime of the century. He forgot Donnie’s large fries. He was pardoned for showing Trump how to get free porn on his smartphone.

Of course, the one big pardon Trump did not give out is one we may have to wait for until January 20, 2021, the day America’s sentence of having Trump as president will finally be commuted.

Well, this is Valentine’s Day weekend and it’s a time for love and romance. Boyfriends are shopping for roses to give to their sweethearts. Husbands are shopping for sweets for their sweets. And Donald Trump is cruising the maternity wards for his next wife. But whatever your custom is with your loved one, a lovely Valentine’s Day card is always welcome. So we at the Clown Car Update thought you would enjoy some of the Valentine Day cards that Donald Trump received this year. So here are some samples we obtained that might interest you.

From: Melania
To: Donald
Outside of the card reads: “On Valentine’s Day, love means never having to say you’re sorry”
Inside the card reads: “But you still have to be checked for crabs before you touch me!”

From: John Bolton
To: Donald Trump
Outside of the card reads: “Your heart belongs to me on Valentine’s Day”
Inside the card reads: “And so do your balls because I know everything”

From: Eric Trump
To: Donald Trump
Outside of the card reads: “From your son on Valentine’s Day”
Inside of the card reads: “No, Eric, you know, the stupid one?”

From: Lindsey Graham
To: Donald Trump
Outside of the card reads: “A kiss from afar on Valentine’s Day”
Inside of the card reads: “Just put this card up to your ass like I was really there”

From: Mitch McConnell
To: Donald Trump
Outside of the card reads: “I gave my heart to you on Valentine’s Day”
Inside of the card reads: “But unfortunately my soul has already been sold”

From: Russian Hookers
To: Donald Trump
Outside of the card reads: “A spray of flowers for you on Valentine’s Day”
Inside of the card reads: “And a golden spray when we meet again”

From: Bill Barr
To: Donald Trump
Outside of the card reads: “On Valentine’s Day I give you my heart”
Inside of the card reads: “And the Department of Justice”

And finally,

From: America
To: Donald Trump
Outside of the card reads: “Roses are red, and if you have any doubt”
Inside of the card reads: And on November 3rd we will kick your ass out!”

In 1974, we had “The Rumble in the Jungle” between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman. In 1975, we had “The Thrilla in Manilla” between Ali and Joe Frazier. And this week, we witnessed the “Kick in the Loins in Des Moines” between the Iowa Democratic Party and a smartphone app. Now in Ali’s Rumble, he employed a technique against George Foreman called “rope-a-dope” while on Monday the Iowa planners used a technique called “app-a-dope.” But unlike Ali in 1974, the Iowa planners just looked like dopes and it resulted in a knockout!

If you missed all the excitement, here’s a recap. In the first round, people from all over the state were required to drive to a high school gymnasium that smelled like old socks and piss away three hours of their time like a Russian hooker. In this first round, the participants cheer for their favorite candidate with signs and banners and try to convince everyone else to vote for them. If that fails, they just dump them like Trump does with his wives and switch teams.

In the second round, the participants finally choose from the candidates still standing and then are supposed to report the results to the state party. And this year, there was an app for that! You just download the app to your smartphone and report away. But that’s where the knockout punch came. You see, what the Iowa Democratic party forgot was that most of the precinct captains have the technical skills of your grandfather trying to use his Jitter-Bug phone to turn on the television. Well, the app did not work and no one was able to report the results. Chaos ensued resulting in a technical knockout in the third round.

And if you think there was panic in Iowa, you should have seen the look on Wolf Blitzer’s face when instead of reporting the results of the caucus he had to fill dead airtime with a documentary on how he keeps his beard from growing out of control. Cable news was thrown into such a panic that Steve Kornacki’s khaki’s spontaneously burst into flames. MSNBC quickly switched to old episodes of Lockup as studio hands put out Steve’s pants.

The moral of this debacle is simple: STOP WITH THE IOWA CAUCUSES ALREADY! And while you’re at it, screw the New Hampshire Primary too! Let states with more people than attend a Trump inaugural go first. Let’s do like Nancy Pelosi did with Trump’s SOTU address and tear this process up and have a one day National Primary. In fact, there just may be an app for that!

“In the Impeachment process, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the Democrats who investigate crime and the Republicans who ignore the crimes of the offenders. These are their stories.”

As our story opens, meet Fat Donnie “Three Chins” Trump, a serial criminal with a record as long as his goofy red ties. As the story opens, Fat Donnie is seen stuffing a Big Mac and a Kentucky Fried Chicken leg into his face simultaneously while lying in bed with a Russian hooker with a very full bladder. Just then, the phone rings and Fat Donnie sees the caller ID. It’s his lawyer and world-class spittoon champion, Rudy “Bug Eye” Gouliani.

“We got him,” we hear Rudy screaming over the phone. “The president of Ukraine will do anything we ask. They will investigate the Bidens, the Warrens, the Buttigieges, or anyone who wins the Iowa caucus!” Fat Donnie “Three Chins” was so excited that his mushroom grew to the size of a large pea. “So they know there is a quid pro quo then?” “Absolutely!” Rudy spits into his phone. “It is absolutely a quid pro quo. In fact, it is the biggest quid pro quo EVER!” Rudy was so excited that you could hear his upper plate fly right out of his mouth. “Rudy, you are a bigly lawyer! This will be the most quid pro quoiest quid pro quo EVER!” After Fat Donnie hung up, he fell asleep dreaming of porn stars and cheese fries.

Across town, in a secret basement in the Capitol, Agents Schiff had a smile on his face. As he turned to District Attorney Pelosi he waved the recording and said, “We got him. Absolutely the smoking gun. Or should I say ‘smocking gun’.” They both burst out laughing! “Now we go to court,” Nancy smiled and they sent the evidence over to the Senate.

But as the trial progressed, it became obvious that Fat Donnie and his consigliere, Mitch “The Tortoise” McConnell had tampered with the judge and the jury. “Just a few jell-pens and with the presidential seal and my guys will do or say anything Fat Donnie wants,” Mitch smiles. The fix was in! As the prosecutors attempted to present the evidence, foreman of the jury, Lindsey “Clutch-the-pearls” Graham screamed “Not guilty!” and the right side of the courtroom broke into cheers. Joni “The Butcher” Ernst waved a set of pig’s balls high in the air as Alan Dershowitz danced a jig in nothing but his tidy whities.

As Fat Donnie lowered his pants for the ceremonial ass-kissing, District Attorney Pelosi raised her head and spoke over the lip-smacking. The ass-kissing suddenly stopped. Joni’s pig balls fell to the floor and Dershowitz wet his tidy whities as Ms. Pelosi warned, “There is another trial coming and that jury will render its verdict on November 3!”