Archive for July, 2020

This week, Donald Trump has repeatedly made the point that he aced a cognitive test that is designed to screen for dementia. He, however, treated the test as some sort of IQ test that proves that he belongs in MENSA. He claimed he aced it because he has such a great memory. The problem is, he couldn’t even remember the name of the test. It was the Montreal Cognitive Assessment or MoCA. That said, the Clown Car Update has devised a test of its own to test Trump’s cognitive abilities that are designed specifically for his situation. Here, then, are the questions on Donald’s Unscientific Mind and Brain Assessment or DUMBAss.

  1. Repeat the following five words: Hoax, Hydroxychloroquine, Russian, Hooker, Peetape. (3 points if he repeats all the words correctly, 0 points if he can’t say “peetape”)
  2. Identify the pictures below: A Big Mac, A Whopper with Cheese, A Papa’s Pizza, and his daughter Tiffany. (5 points for all, 0 points if he fails to identify Tiffany.)
  3. Draw a line from you to all the ruthless dictators that you admire: Kim Jong-un, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Rodrigo Duterte, Vladimir Putin, Jair Bolsonaro. (5 points if you choose them all, 0 points if he leaves out one!)
  4. Draw a fat man with a bad wig grabbing a vagina. (10 points if he draws himself, 0 points if he doesn’t know the word “vagina.”
  5. Connect the person to the correct numbers: Melania, Marla, Ivana, a girl that is currently fourteen years old; Wife 1, Wife 2, Wife 3, Wife 4. (10 points)
  6. Complete the following sentence: I would like an Egg McMuffin, Hash Browns, a hot apple pie, and a large diet Coke, and _________. (10 points if he finishes the sentence with “And Supersize it!”)
  7. Ask Donald to put on a face mask. (5 points if he does it correctly, 0 points if he tries to put the loops around his ankles.)
  8. Repeat the words from question number one. (6 points if he repeats them all in the correct order, 3 points if he repeats them all in a different order, 0 points if all he remembers is Russian and Hooker.)
  9. Choose the one that does not fit: Brilliant, Genius, Smart, Eric, Intellectual. (10 points if he chooses Eric.)
  10. Count from 1 backward by ones: (5 points if he gets to 0 in less than an hour.)

Now, as with any cognitive test, the resuts can be interpreted many different ways. But one thing is certain about this test: Any way you score it, Donald Trump is a DUMBAss!

Once upon a time, there was a fat, lazy, orange man named Trump living in the magic world of makebelieve. He lived in a fairytale land of wonderful poll numbers and whites-only country clubs. His entire world was filled with loyal servents who would praise him all day and kiss his ass like human bidets. One day, a man named Mr. Goya visited Trump at his house to offer him great praise and told him what a blessing it was to have such a wonderful man leading our country. Ass a gift to Trump, Mr. Goya offered him a secret deal. If Trump would sling his products from the Oval Office, he would give Trump a can of magic beans. “WOW,” thought Trump, “Magic beans! I wonder if they are fartless so I could eat all I wanted and not clear out a room an hour later!”

But after Mr. Goya left, he read the instructions on the can. Instead of eating the beans, he had to plant them in the Rose Garden. That night, after he bored Melania to sleep, Trump snuck out to the Rose Garden and planted the beans. To make sure that the beans grew fast and healthy, he had one of his Russian hookers piss on the newly planted legumes.

The next morning, Trump woke up and looked out the window. He was shocked to see a giant stalk rising all the way up beyond the clouds. He quickly grabbed his iPhone and tweeted to all his followers, “My stalk is the biggest ever, bigger than anyone has ever seen! It’s a powerful stalk, a perfect stalk, the best stalk in history!” Of course, no one believed him because Stormy Daniels already told us that his stalk was very tiny. But this was a different stalk, a magic beanstalk and Trump ran into the Rose Garden to have a look.

Standing next to the stalk Trump looked up and could not even see to the top as the stalk went straight through the clouds. “WOW,” said Trump, “That stalk is longer than a night with Mike Pence!” Then, looking down, he saw a note left for him signed “Mr. Goya.” The note said, “Mr. Trump, I know you are very sad about your poll numbers so from my gift of beans grew this magic stalk. If you climb all the way up to the top you will find a Golden Goose that will lay golden poll numbers like you wouldn’t believe!”

Now Trump was bigly out of shape and could hardly walk down a ramp let alone climb a stalk this tall. Then he had a brilliant idea. “I’ll have Pence carry me to the top, grab the Golden Goose, and leave him up there. I guess that would be killing two birds with one stone!” Trump laughed at his little joke. Then Trump summoned Pence, who was busy spreading the Corona Virus all over veterans’ hospitals, to the Rose Garden. “OK Mike, up we go!” And Pence, who was used to being on this end of Trump’s fat ass pushed and pushed and pushed until they both reached the top.

And there it was! The Golden Goose laying only poll numbers showing him winning the election by a landslide. He shoved Pence aside so fast in an effort to grab the goose that Pence fell from the stalk and landed in the Rose Garden leaving nothing but a puddle of Mayonnaise. “Oh, too bad, Mike. I guess David Duke will be my running mate after all!” But as Trump started to descend the beanstalk, he looked down to see Joe Biden standing at the bottom with an ax. “Hey, Sleepy Joe, how did you get into my Rose Garden?” Trump thundered. “Well, you forgot to change the locks,” Joe laughed and started to hack at the beanstalk. “Hey, what are you doing, Sleepy Joe. I have to get down with my golden poll numbers!” Joe just laughed and said, “I wrote that note and that goose is a fake!” Just then, Trump felt the beanstalk sway beneath his little feet and he came down faster than his campaign rally attendance.

As Trump looked up he saw Joe Biden with a grin wider than his lead in the polls. Trump whimpered, “Does this mean my campaign is over?” Joe just smiled and replied, “My friend, your campaign was never more than a hill of beans!”