Archive for October, 2017

446

This week Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona gave a historic speech on the floor of the Senate to tell us something we didn’t know and something we knew for a very long time. First, he surprised us by announcing that he would not seek re-election in 2018. Then he told us the reason: Donald J. Trump is such a flaming asshole that no one but a total weasel could possibly support this man. All the weasels listened in shock, and then sat there kissing their photographs of Trump’s ass. But there was an even greater statement denouncing Trump that got a lot less attention, but here at the Clown Car Update, we have obtained a transcript of a speech given by none other than the God of the Old Testament.

People of Earth,

Yes, I know you screwed up before with Richard Nixon, The Jerry Springer Show, and thong underwear for men. But Donald Trump? Really? Didn’t you learn your lesson with The Hindenberg? Large bags of unstable gas are dangerous. And what you have done is take the Hindenberg, put it in the White House, and called it your president. At first, I thought it was my fault. I gave you free will and what do you come up with? The fucking Electoral College. I hope you realize that Ben Franklin came up with that after his kite was hit by lighting. Well, I tried to warn you in 2000 with Bush 43 and Florida but what did you fixate on? Hanging chads. Pathetic. Maybe I was too subtle.

So now I have no choice but to announce today that at the end of my term, I will resign as your god and leave you to figure out what to do with Donald Trump. This is your mess, you clean it up. All over the universe, the other gods are starting to talk. I can no longer stand by and watch a man who thought hookers pissing on bedsheets was a turn-on ruin my reputation. And Mike Pence here’s a little clue for you. Stop using my name and stop calling your wife “mother” or I will turn both of you into a cake at a gay wedding.

So this is goodbye. I could have done floods, fire, famine, or locust. But I think just leaving you in the hands of Steve Bannon is punishment enough. Oh, and by the way, a closing note to Bill O’Reilly: I heard your little tear fest. Stop blaming me for getting your dick stuck in your zipper. You should have hooked up with your friend Donny. I hear he has connections in Russia.

This is the word of the lord.

This week, four men of the president’s party offered impassioned warnings about the threat he poses to our democracy. Three of them did so in eloquent tones, one with stunning blunt force. “Trump may be setting the US on the path to World War III,” Sen. Bob Corker warned us.  We faced this prospect once before and that was 12 days in October of 1962 when there were steadier hands and cooler temperments at the helm of government. Stripped of any pretence of diplomacy, Sen. Corker described our current ruler in terms reminiscent of Alan Bennett’s classic film, “The Madness of King George :

I don’t think there’s any question that that’s the case, just in the way he conducts himself and goes to such a low level. I just — I do. The worst of it is going to be the whole debasing of our nation. I think that will be the contribution that hurts our nation most.

Corker’s words shocked reporters and fellow party members alike, while he described how the person sitting at the Resolute Desk is “utterly untruthful.”

In a speech given at the George W. Bush Institute, the former president for whom the institute is named gave a rousing rebuke of the dogma of Trumpism and its corrosion of our ideals:

Bigotry seems emboldened. Our politics seems more vulnerable to conspiracy theories and outright fabrication.We’ve seen nationalism distorted into nativism. We’ve seen our discourse degraded by casual cruelty. . . . the argument turns too easily into animosity.

It was strange to me that a man who was so reviled just a decade ago was now echoing the sentiments of so many of us who watch as our democracy comes under attack from the very people sworn to protect it.

Adding to this fugue of discontent was Sen. John McCain, who, at the Munich Security Conference in Germany issued this not-so-veiled warning about the current commander-in-chief

[The founders of the Munich conference] would be alarmed by an increasing turn away from universal values and toward old ties of blood and race and sectarianism. They would be alarmed by the hardening resentment we see towards immigrants and refugees and minority groups — especially Muslims. They would be alarmed by the growing inability — and even unwillingness — to separate truth from lies. They would be alarmed that more and more of our fellow citizens seem to be flirting with authoritarianism and romanticizing it as our moral equivalent.”

John McCain, not up for re-election and facing a life-threatening disease, felt free to express what he must have been feeling since last year, when his service to this country was desecrated by a man who hid from Vietnam behind a bone spur.

And then this week there was Sen. Jeff Flake who used the occasion of his retirement to make a historic speech. Fighting the headwinds of white grievance, his poll numbers in Arizona have dropped below typhoid. Suddenly he was like Tyrion Lannister of “Game of Thrones”. No one would take him seriously. So he took to the floor of the United States Senate and said this:

We must never regard as ‘normal’ the regular and casual undermining of our democratic norms and ideals. We must never meekly accept the daily sundering of our country — the personal attacks, the threats against principles, freedoms, and institutions, the flagrant disregard for truth or decency, the reckless provocations, most often for the pettiest and most personal reasons, reasons having nothing whatsoever to do with the fortunes of the people that we have all been elected to serve.

Everyone sat in awe as a sitting senator from the president’s own party said what he claimed all the others in the room were secretly whispering. The king was mad. But the rest sat silently as the words spilled from his lips for fear that the mad king had spies in the room and their heads would be next on the Twitter guillotine.

All these men come to the forefront of the resistance with a lot in common. They all dedicated their lives to the service of our country. They all have expressed in no uncertain terms the danger the current resident of the White House and his minions pose to the security of our country. They all have sounded an alarm that our democracy now depends on more voices coming forward. And they are all massive hypocrites.

Yes, each one of these four men was part of the architecture that the current administration built upon. George W. Bush stole an election in 2001, failed to heed the warnings in the days leading up to September 11, 2001, and involved us in two endless wars based on the lies and misdirection of the neo-cons he served.

John McCain, instead of putting America first, opted for political expediency by placing the dangerously unqualified Sarah Palin to be potentially a heartbeat away from the presidency. The result was a cascading adoration of stupidity by a segment of the electorate that resulted in the Tea Party.

As for Bob Corker, he was as recently as last year a sycophant so enamoured of the mad king that he was seriously considered as his running mate. It is hard to admire a man who sounds the alarm to alert us to a conflagration he helped ignite. But by then the fire was already into its fifth alarm.

And finally, there is Sen. Jeff Flake who, while admittedly an early critic, still found it in his heart to vote for the mad king’s agenda ninety-six percent of the time.  By the time his ideological fever broke, he had fed the beast the sustenance he needed to become stronger.

The thing that should frighten us most is this: Only in retreat did these men find the courage to admit that the king was mad. The Mad King watched from his tower as the battlefield, cleared of all men of integrity and became his, as the rest lay gifts and praise at his feet.

445

Recently, Sarah Huckabee Sanders started a little tradition at the daily press briefing to make her seem almost human. She walks out to the podium, then forms a twisted Cherrio with her mouth as her eyebrow critters float up and down like a broken lava lamp. Then she tries to charm the press with a letter from a child not living in Puerto Rico.  As always, the Clown Car Update felt compelled to fact check this letter and we found that surprise, Sarah hasn’t been completely honest with us.  So we rummaged through the White House dumpster and found some letters that Sarah chose not to share with us. So here are some of the letters Sarah deep-sixed:

Dear Mr President,

Hi. My name is Tommy and I live in Lincoln, Nebraska. I am eight years old and in the fourth grade and I voted for you in my class elections last year. I thought I would write you because I have a problem. I wet the bed sometimes. I heard that you like people that wet the bed a lot and sometimes even pay them to do it for you. My mother and father are planning to take me to Washington when school gets out, so I wondered if you would like for me to come and wet your bed in the White House. I saw on TV you paid some Russians to do that for you, but I would be happy to pee on your bed for free. Just let me know. Also, would you tell my mother that if you touched her she wouldn’t get leprosy from you like she tells all her friends.

Your friend,

Tommy

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Melissa and I am in the seventh grade and have a pet cat. His name is Donald, which I named after you because he is orange. I love Donald and he is a great cat but my parents want to get rid of him because he goes to the bathroom on the living room rug. I thought you would understand because I heard my parent say that you shit all over the country and they want to get rid of you too. I think we should be kind to animals like my cat who is sick. My parents tell everyone that you are sick, so I knew you would understand.

Hoping to be your friend,

Melissa

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Charlie and I am in first grade. I voted for you in my class election last year because I heard everyone say that you acted like you were in first grade too. I listened to all your speeches and my mother and father took me to one of your rallies. That is why I am writing you. A man had a tee shirt on that had “Grab ’em by the…” and before I could finish reading it, my mother put her hands over my eyes and took me outside, Could you please tell me what we are supposed to grab? Every time I ask my mother she puts a bar of soap in my mouth and won’t let me have my Xbox for a week. I want to be a good American and grab whatever you grab.

Thanks and don’t tell my mother I wrote you, cause she thinks your an asshole.

Thanks,

Charlie

 

Dear Mr President,

My name is Hillary and I live in New York. I am no longer in school, but when I was I went to Wellesley College and Harvard Law School. You may not recognize those names because they are real universities. Anyway, while I was reading the very successful New York Times online this morning, I came across this interesting fact. I BEAT YOU BY THREE MILLION VOTES!

Eat that asshat!

HRC

 

444

This week, Donald Trump did some disgusting, horrible things. Well, I guess that describes every week since he was born, so let me be more specific. This week, The Orange Shitbag threatened the free press, the people of Puerto Rico, people who need health care, and the continuing existence of the planet Earth.  Sort of makes you look forward to next week doesn’t it? But specifically in health care, he announced a brand new plan that we will refer to as “OrangeCare”. Unlike the ACA, the levels of coverage are very specific. As a public service, the Clown Car Update lists the new Trumpcare levels below:

  • The Donald J. Trump Level: This plan covers the conditions of hand and penis dwarfism. It does not cover diagnostic tests such as colonoscopies as it assumes that you already have enough people crawling up your ass.
  • The Donald, Jr. Level: This covers Safari accidents and scalp infections due to excessive hair oil. It does not cover mental health conditions related to being the son of a famous asshole.
  • The Eric Trump Level: This level covers accidental death from tripping on your own feet, reading, or chocking on your own saliva. Eligibility requires a scoring 10 or lower on an I.Q. test and the inability to locate your own belly-button.
  • The Ivanka Trump Level: This plan covers any foot problems that result from wearing cheap Ivana Trump brand shoes. However, coverage is limited to domestic-made shoes only,  so this plan is not yet available in the United States.
  • The Ivana Trump Level: Nothing says YOU are the First Lady as having health coverage at this level. This policy is for first wives only and covers only cosmetic surgery including tummy tucks, chin reconstruction, and collagen injections. The plan does not cover pre-existing conditions such as Birthing Three Morons.
  • The Puerto Rico Level: This level is designed for people on land masses surrounded by water, specifically oceans, big, big oceans. Coverage is very limited because we cannot be with you forever.
  • The Alt-Right Level: This is mostly for patients who are hospitalized since it provides for unlimited coverage for white sheets.
  • The Bannon Level: This is all-inclusive coverage, however, you only have a 30% chance of having any claim approved.
  • Grim Reaper Level: Under this plan,  no health conditions are covered, but you are entitled to a $10.00 coupon toward an after funeral breakfast to Denny’s. The coupon, however, is only valid in Utah and cannot be combined with any other death coupons.

To enrol in any of these plans, you can go to Orangeshitcare.gov and enter your Social Security Number, date of expected death, and next of kin. The site is available for five minutes a day, one day a week which is not publicized. And remember, the enrollment period is limited to three days in October ending in “day”.  Oh, and Merry Fucking Christmas!