Archive for August, 2017

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Has this ever happened to you? You’re at an important sales meeting with black clients and your boss tells them how much better off the slaves were before they were emancipated? Or you are at a wedding reception and your plus-one reveals how much they admired Hitler? Or you’re attending a Trump news conference where he just endorsed Nazi’s and you are a member of his cabinet? You try to pretend that everything is normal, but it’s hard to keep a smile on your face, right? Well, worry no more because for all those socially awkward and embarrassing moments there is now relief. All you need is PermaSmile!

Yes, PermaSmile is the newest treatment for the embarrassment of being associated with an asshole. PermaSmile has been clinically proven to keep a smile on your face no matter how much you want to punch that jerk next to you in the face. You no longer have to worry how you are going to keep a stupid grin on your face while your boss is making a complete ass of him or herself. Just use PermaSmile before every event and stand there like an idiot knowing that all public sees is those pearly whites!

Developed by members of Trump’s White House staff, PermaSmile is the only proven effective treatment for Shocked Face Syndrome or SFS. Take it from Donald J. Trumps’ associates, the people who suffered for the last eight months next to the most obnoxious man on the planet saying the most vulgar and hateful things. Just listen to their testimonials:

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan says,

I used to pee myself every time I had to be with him in public. Now, with PermaSmile, I can go out with confidence knowing that no matter what vile vitriol comes from his mouth, I will be smiling the whole time!

And Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, who has to stand next to Donald Trump while he insults her husband, had this to say,

My brain tells me to turn and smash him right across that orange piehole, but thanks to PermaSmile, all the public sees is a stupid grin on my face. It fools everybody!

And finally, Sen. Dean Heller says,

He made me sit next to him while he threatened to primary my ass, but thanks to PermaSmile, all you ever saw was a shit-eating grin on my face. My smile said ‘ha, ha’ while my brain said ‘go fuck yourself, Donnie!’

Tell your doctor before taking a job in the Trump White House because PermaSmile may not be for everyone. Do not use PermaSmile if you are allergic to its ingredients or have a pre-existing condition known as TAS (Trump Aversion Syndrome). Consult your doctor if you experience any of the following symptoms: Fox News Addiction, Sean Hannity Brain Loss, Roger Stone Face, or Jeffrey Lord Dementia. Seek emergency treatment for a smile lasting more than four hours as this may lead to permanent damage or a condition known as “Joker Face.”

Remember, use PermaSmile for all your anxious, awkward moments. PermaSmile is available in spray, cream, or a fast acting suppository with a tiny hand applicator.

“PermaSmile: Smile Though Your Heart is Aching!”

Permasmile has not been approved by the FDA and has not been proven to prevent or cure any condition such as being a deplorable Trump supporter.

Here is a speech by the president of the United States to the American people. It addresses a long war of which most Americans had grown weary. The president, who was a long time critic of the war, was now in the Oval Office. He now had a different view. So he came up with a secret plan to win the war where his two predecessors failed. The plan, he said, was secret and the details would not be revealed, but we were to trust him and his generals that he would get us an honorable win. No, it was not last night. No, the war was not in Afghanistan. No, it was not President Trump. No, it was not August 21, 2017. It was November 3, 1969, and it was President Richard M. Nixon presenting his “secret plan” to bring peace with honor.

Now, if you are my age, you know how that all worked out. If you are too young to have lived through those times, read your history books. Some suggestions would be The Best and the Brightest” by David Halberstam and “The Pentagon Papers”.  After you have digested the contents of these two books, ask yourself, “what has changed?” The answer I believe you will find is “NOTHING!” The government lied to us then, and they are lying to us now. The President then and now were corrupt grifters who sold the American people a dystopic vision of America that they claimed only they could fix. And the generals around them made a career of making war and deceiving the American people that they could win a war they knew was already hopelessly lost. Like the French before us, we failed in Vietnam because we trusted generals whose only plan was to wage war and we trusted politicians whose only plan was to perpetuate their power. Welcome to Trump, Afghanistan, and 2017!

On April 30, 1975, the war in Vietnam came to an end with the last of our people having to be rescued from the roof of our embassy as the North Vietnam Army poured into Saigon. After twenty years, there were over one trillion dollars spent, over 58,000 American troops and 1.4 million South Vietnamese killed. And for what? To have the same result we wasted all that blood and treasure to avoid. Sound familiar?

Afghanistan has been labeled “The Graveyard of Empires.” From the losses of Alexander the Great, the Anglo-Afghan Wars of the 19th and 20th Centuries, and the Soviet Unions incursions in the 1980s, Afghanistan has proven a place where great powers go to die. It is the same today. Our president and our generals are lying to us and, worse, asking us to blind ourselves to history. What they are not telling you is what they really know: We will never win in Afghanistan and whenever the day comes that we do leave, the result will be exactly what they said we could avoid. We will lose Afghanistan to the Taliban as we lost South Vietnam to the NVA. They all lied to us in the 1960s, and they are lying to us now.

 

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Anthropologists and Civil War historians were thrilled this week to discover a long lost artifact of the Confederacy that they never knew existed. The discovery was made even more remarkable in that it was unearthed in New York City. Among a group of ordinary elevator-passengers was discovered a relic of the 19th Century, an orange tinged racist politician. What made the find even more remarkable was that it was still talking. “It was saying the vilest, hateful things I have ever heard,” one worker said, “It was like the Civil War never ended.” Another worker who was being treated for exposure to the racist language said “It was just horrifying! It literally took my breath away.”

“This discovery is absolutely remarkable,” one Civil War expert told us. “To see a living, breathing southern racist from the 19th Century alive and speaking in our midst is simply amazing.” Other historians and Civil War buffs were excited by the discovery and the possibility that there could be more like him on the same elevator. “I’ll bet there are a lot of 19th Century racists around here, and we probably don’t have to look too far to find them,” Dan Winthrop, a Civil War re-enactor predicted. “I never thought people like him still existed in 2017”, he declared.

Gene Helm, a forensic anthropologist said that the specimen was not very well preserved and exhibited signs of a very bad diet of junk food and ice cream. “It was extremely bloated and had an odd fungus growing on the top of his head. It looks like a two scoop a day habit.” She was somewhat perplexed by the orange color of the skin. “Either someone pissed on his grave or on him when he was still alive.” After the unearthing in Trump Tower, thousands of racists revealed themselves from under rocks and caves where no one ever wanted to look. “We have a leader now,” one white supremacist declared while holding a Tiki torch he had just purchased from Home Depot, “and he’s got a full set of teeth to boot!”

Chris Cantwell, a.k.a. The Weeping Nazi was overwhelmed with emotion. “I just can’t stop crying, but these are tears of joy! Now that we have a real 19th Century racist on our side, maybe I can get back on OkCupid. Just call 631-791-5842 and ask for the ‘Grim Weeper’.”

But not everyone was thrilled with the discovery. Mary Scott, a restaurant owner in Bowling Green and a survivor of that infamous massacre, told us, “We thought people like that were extinct. I hope there aren’t too many left.”  And the discovery of what is being called “The Lost Racist” prompted a fierce reaction from Senators and Congressmen alike. “This revelation in Trump Tower is absolutely unacceptable,” said, one Republican senator who wanted his remarks to remain off the record. “But one thing is certain,” he continued, “that artifact must be removed from the Oval Office!” And The Clown Car couldn’t agree more!

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The crisis with North Korea heated up this morning with new threats being exchanges between Washington and Pyongyang. In a series of manic tweets, Donald Trump warned that if Kim Jong-un continues to threaten the United States, it will result in a pissing contest “the likes of which the world has never seen before.” Tweeting in the pre-dawn morning Sunday, Trump said, “I mean this will be a literal pissing contest. I will personally go to North Korea and piss all over their puny nuclear warhead. And believe me, I am able to to that because I assure you there is no problem down there, no matter what Little Kim or Little Marco said about me!”

Kim was quick to fire back tweeting, “He’s always calling me Little Kim, but for a man over six feet tall, he must have the penis of a. Just look at those tiny hands. And you know what they say about a man with tiny hands?” Trump responded with another tweet. “Little Kim best not keep saying I have a little penis or he will feel its fire and fury!” to which Kim quickly replied, “Sounds like a urinary tract infection. If I were him, I would get that looked at. That’s if they could locate his tiny penis.” Kim added, “We consider his penis no more than a lump which we can beat to a jelly any time.”

That last remark seemed to set Trump off and he ordered Gen. Mattis to prepare for a major global pissing contest. “I will piss on Kim like a Russian hooker,” Trump tweeted, “and it won’t be pretty, believe me! My dick is locked and loaded!” For his part, Secretary Mattis and cautioned the president against threats that would cause a miscalculation. “This could get very messy quickly. He may try to piss on Kim and end up pissing all over the people in Seoul. Anyone who has seen his bathroom floor knows his aim is not very good. And he always leaves the seat up,” Mattis said.

Reaction across the country and the world was mixed. Critics of the president denounced the idea of public urination. One mother told us, “For parents with bedwetters, this is a disaster.” But supporters had a different view. Anthony Scaranucci, Trump’s former communication’s chief said, “I love the president. I love when he pisses on people. As the Mooch always says, ‘better pissed off than pissed on.” But for the people of Guam, there was this dire warning: “If the piss starts to fly, do not look up as it will blind you. Also, do not use conditioner on your hair as it will bind urine to your hair.”

As for who would win a pissing contest between Trump and Kim, it seems some people have no doubt. Five Russian hookers in a joint statement issued this warning to the North Korean leader: “Don’t bet against Donald Trump in a pissing contest. Take it from us, this guy could take a soaking!”

 

 

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This week on Episode 437 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we discussed the newly leaked transcripts of the phone conversation between Donnie and real world leaders. But in a Clown Car exclusive, we have obtained a transcript of a phone call that was never reported between Trump and one of his favorite contractors.

But first, a story that has touched the hearts of all Americans. Last week it was revealed that our heroic United States Secret Service was evicted from Trump Tower when Donald Trump turned a tiny thumbs-down on a new lease forcing the brave agents to relocate to the street below. Braving the summer swelter and choking on exhaust fumes, these brave men and women honored their mission to protect their penis challenged orange client by working out of a hot dog cart in front of Trump Tower. Now, they need your help.  If you are in the vicinity of Trump Tower, please go and buy a tiny hot dog called a “Donnie”, an orange slush, or a bag of Trump Tiny Nuts to show your support for these patriotic Americans. Every penny will go to protect our Secret Service Agents from the insensitivity of their prick landlord!

And now, exclusive to The Clown Car Update, here is the transcript of the call between Trump and his favorite contractor, Satan:

Satan: Beelzebub, here. Hell is where your heart is. To whom am I speaking?

Trump: It’s me.

Satan: Oh, Donnie. How are things going? That’s a great deal you made; your soul for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Michigan. I don’t think anybody saw that coming!

Trump: No, and you can’t talk like that to the press, OK? It makes me look bad. But that’s not why I called. There’s a problem up here and you have to fix it.

Satan: Donnie, we already discussed this. I can’t do anything about your hands or your penis. That was the Big Guy, you know? There are some things I just can’t fix.

Trump: No, no. Not that. It’s this Russia investigation. I thought my soul got me eight years as president. They are talking about removing me and replacing me with that pasty leggo guy.

Satan: I think you misunderstood the deal, Donnie. Your soul got you elected. I never said anything about eight years.

Trump: But it’s right here, in Section Three of the Contract, “For your immortal soul you get to win the the presidential election and get eight years.” It’s in black and white.

Satan: First, you should not be bringing up black and white with me after I got Jeff Session through as Attorney General. Second, you are misreading that clause. You get elected and eight years in prison. It’s in the footnote after the asterisk.

Trump: I never read the whole contract. I never read those things. Reading is for losers. I make great deals without reading.

Satan: Yes, my man Putin told me that. He said that deal you signed with those Russian hookers was a real pisser! AHAHAHAHAH!

Trump: If those tapes get out it will kill me!  My wig is all wet and I have shrinkage! This is a killer. And I owe him a lot of money too.

Satan: I know. That’s why I had him handle your election rigging. It was one of my best moves. He looks great on a horse too!

Trump:  I’ve been making calls all day, and yours was the most unpleasant. At least Putin was nice to me. This was bad. And my other line is ringing.

Satan: Oh yeah, that would be Bob Mueller. Anyway, I have another call too. This Eric Bolling is a real crybaby!

It should be noted that we contacted the White House for a comment and received this email from Steve Bannon, Trump’s chief strategist: “Go f**k yourself, you lying motherf**ker. I’m busy sucking my own c**k!” Satan never responded to our request for comment, but we think he and Bannon are the same guy.