The Clown Car Update for July 25, 2021

The summer and fall tour season is here and concerts are selling out like crazy. Not so much the political carnival tours headlining the sewer rats of the right. According to news sources, the America First Tour containing the twin floating turds Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz have actually cost them more than they raised. And disgraced pussy-grabbing tag team of Donald Trump and Bill O’Reilly have seen ticket sales of their America Uncanceled 2021 tour as dry as a Russian hookers bladder after a night with Donald. As reported in Politico one box office employee was quoted as saying, “We have concerts that are doing a lot better than this.” In fact, Home Depot’s “Grouting Your Own TIle” demo sold more tickets. So to bolster ticket sales these two traveling freak shows are now considering at-the-gate giveaways. And as always the Clown Car Update has been able to obtain an advanced copy of some of their ideas:

Marjorie Taylor Greene Tees: The first five thousand incels will receive an MTG tee shirt with the message “I had sex with MTG and all I got was this lousy tee shirt and the clap!” For incels only. Don’t worry, we’ll know!

Matt Gaetz School Calendar: The first two thousand predators at the door will receive this handy magnetic middle-school calendar chock-full of useful information about all the prom dates, recess times, and girls gym classes. Just attach this handy calendar to the fridge and be a creep just like Matt and never miss another chance to meet the under-age girl of your dreams.

Life-Size Trump Cardboard Cutout: Gene Huber has one, and he prays to it every day! Now the first thousand people at the door can have this life-size cutout of the former fuhrer that is anatomically correct right down to his tiny mushroom. These are so realistic that even Lindsey Graham could not tell if he was kissing the cardboard or Trump’s real ass!

2021 QAnon Daily Planner: Anyone appearing at the door dressed as a shaman will receive this handsome daily planner handy for keeping details of the latest rumors from Trump’s reinstatement date to the next Capitol riot. This is sized perfectly to fit into your tactical belt right next to your bear spray. Just whip it out and record all the crimes you commit at the next insurrection to impress your friends and give the FBI a great exhibit for your trial. Sorry, white covers only.

Bill O’Reilly Talking Doll: The first thousand attendees will receive this realistic talking Bill O’Reilly complete with a sexual harassment lawsuit settlement and an NDA. Just pull the string and hear him recreate his famous on-air meltdown screaming, “Just fuck it, we’ll do it live!”

So get your tickets now to see the biggest douchebags show you how they earned their reputations. And remember, even if you don’t get there early enough for the giveaways, we’ll always give you COVID!

The Clown Car Update for July 18, 2021

This week it was reported in The Tennessean that “the Tennessee Department of Health will halt all adolescent vaccine outreach – not just for coronavirus, but all diseases – amid pressure from Republican state lawmakers.” Yes, that’s right, the Tennessee Republican party want you to know that your health is secondary to the political agenda of the Trump Cult. And more than that, they want to share the experience of long eradicated diseases with the entire country. As a result, the Tennessee Travel Bureau has re-written its travel guide to reflect the new freedoms you can enjoy in their vaccine-free state. Luckily, the Clown Car Update has been able to obtain an advanced copy and here is an excerpt from the new guide:

“It’s an honor to share our home with you through the pages of the 2021 Tennessee Vacation Guide. Whether you come for our warmed over sushi, seven strains of gonorrhea, unparalleled emergency room experiences or breathtaking ventilators, we know you’ll agree there’s no place to experience long eradicated diseases quite like Tennessee. This year’s guide offers a glimpse into Tennessee’s locally grown Covid-19 Delta variants, inspired by our state Republican Party from the January 6th insurrection right to the to the Delta itself! Our food, totally uninspected and free of FDA regulation, our breweries of god-knows-what, and our world-renowned whiskey, wine and moonshine are as contaminated as our ever-changing election laws, with a surprise in store for you around every sneeze and cough. Begin your road trip in one of our many refurbished emergency vehicles and visit our vibrant medical centers or charming small urgent care clinics. Tennessee is steeped in the history, storytelling and traditions of diseases only your great-great-great grandparents could tell you about, like diphtheria, Whooping Cough, and polio! Walk in the footsteps of freedom fighting lepers at the 12 Tennessee stops on the Tennessee My Body My Choice Trail. Follow the pandemics of legends on the Tennessee Pandemic Pathways. Uncover the stories and strategies of plague planning along the Plagues of the Past Trails. Get lost in our medical bureaucracy and discover something unexpected like mumps and congenital rubella on the Discover Tennessee Freedom From Vaccine Trails & Byways. Whether you’re just passing on, or sticking around for a while to see if your wife survived the cholera she caught at one of our water parks, we welcome you to share our unparalleled love for Tennessee. We’re sure you’ll agree – there is truly no better place to get infected, pass out and die. Tennessee, the last stop on your kick-the-bucket list!”

The Clown Car Update for July 11, 2021

They’re wacky and funny and are lots of fun to watch. It’s like the Three Stooges without the intellectual content. That’s right, we’re talking about the Moe-Larry-Curly-and-sometimes-Shemp of the right wing, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, and Lyin’ Ted Cruz! Of course, the sometimes-Shemp role goes to Rudy Giuliani. These creatures have been entertaining us ever since America realized there was money to be made from selling stupidity and now they have a store! It’s the Right Wing Nuttery Shop! That’s right, besides far-out stories about Italian satellites and bamboo ballots, they now have merchandise to sell to their knucklehead followers. Here is a sample of some of the wonderfully bonkers items that you can buy to show your friends that you’re a bigger sucker than they ever gave you credit for:

• Marjorie Taylor Greene Coffee Mugs: You thought her voice was enough to make your hair stand straight up, just think of having your first brew of the morning with HER mug staring back at you from YOUR mug. And these mugs come in three bright colors. Choose from Conspiracy Zone Red, Supremacist White, or Bamboo Ballot Tan. $14.99.

• Matt Gaetz Action Figure: These action figures are poseable and come with a variety of accessories such as “Prom Night Tuxedo,” “Flight to the Bahamas Carry-on,” or the ever popular “Flasher Trench Coat.” And with the built-to-scale middle school building, you can pose Matt picking up chicks between classes or just chillin’ before flashin’! $24.99. Middle-School sold separately.

• Ted Cruz Fake Beard: The face you love to hate can now be your look too. Admit it. You’ve watched Lyin’ Ted on T.V. and said to yourself, “How can I get my face to look like a corn field was just ravaged by a swarm of locusts?” Well here is your chance with the Ted Cruz Fake Beard made from authentic mange-eaten dead opossum fur. Comes with Gorilla Face Adhesive. $49.99.

• Authentic Rudy Giuliani Business Cards: These are the real thing! Actual business cards autographed by Rudy himself just before New York and D.C. suspended his law licence. These one-of-a-kind items are a limited edition and are numbered one through whatever number will sell. These cards are the same ones Rudy passed out at the Four Seasons Landscaping news conference and come with a $5.00 off coupon to Fantasy Island Adult Book Store. $5.99/10 cards.

• MJT Hoodies: Declare to the world that “I’m white-supremacist proud!” with the Marjorie Taylor Greene hoodie. Yes, this is a hooded sweatshirt made from the same material the grand wizards use on their robes with the letters M.J.T forming a burning cross. Comes in Small, Medium, Large, XL, XXl, XXXL, and Trump-L. White only. $79.99.

• Replica Jewish Space Laser Cigarette Lighter: This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to own a true collector’s item. This built-to-scale replica of the actual Jewish Space Lasers used to to set wildfires in California is an actual functioning lighter. Just press the Star of David and light up a stogie or start a wildfire of your own. And if you order now, we will include a replica Italian Spy Satellite that changes Trump votes to Biden votes on its bright LED display. $99.99.

So come to the RIght Wing Nuttery Shop and stock up on the unique and exclusive merchandise they are selling along with all their other bullshit. Don’t miss out. These are just a few of the hundreds of items available at the RIght Wing Nuttery Shop. There are many, many more because when it comes to what the right wing is selling, they’re full of it!