Archive for February, 2019

Well, it’s that time of year again, when Hollywood gathers its best for the annual Academy Awards. There are some great nominees and good luck to your favorites. And as an annual tradition, we here at the Clown Car Update have our own award to give to the special people who gave us fun, laughter, and some tears in the past year. So here from the Clown Car Academy of Farts and Nonsense are the Chuckles Awards for 2019:

Worst Misspelled Tweet by a Sitting President:

  • “We Served Hamberders”, a White House production, Donald J. Trump, producer.
  • “Covfeve, the Magic Word”, an Oval Office production, Donald J. Trump, producer
  • “The Smocking Gun”, a Delusional Films production, Donald J. Trump, producer

Best Humiliation of a Sitting President:

  • “Not One Dollar for Your Stupid Wall”, Nancy Pelosi, director, a #MeToo production
  • “The Sarcastic Applause”, Nancy Pelosi, director, a Mid-Terms 2018 production
  • “I Just Dog-Walked Donald Trump”, Nancy Pelosi, director, a Sunglasses and Red Coat production

Best Picture:

  • “The New Three Stooges: The Stone, Corsi, Nunberg Story”, Mueller productions, Bob Mueller director
  • “The Pee-Pee Tape”, Vladimir Putin, director, A Golden Shower Films production
  • “Pardon Me!”, Paul Manafort, director, Oleg Deripaska, producer

Best Horror Film:

  • “The Trump Witch Project”, Rudolph Giuliani director, an FBI production
  •  “The Extortionist”, David Pecker, director, an Amazon Prime Original
  • “Snakes On a Plane: The Air Force One Story”, Sarah Huckabee Sanders director, a Trump Administration production

Best Short Subject:

  • “Michael Flynn, Twenty-Seven Days in Hell”, Sergey Lavrov director, a Kremlin Films production
  • “Gone in a Scaramucci”, John Kelly, director, a Your Gone production
  • “The Price is Right: The Tom Price Story”, A Fly First Class production

Best Hair Design:

  • Kim Jung-un, for “The Singapore Summit”
  • Donald J. Trump, for “The Great Coverup”
  • Trey Gowdy, for “Benghazi, the Lost Years”

Best Supporting Role:

  • Michael Cohen, “The Rat”, A Stormy Daniels production
  • Carter Page, “Hats, Eyebrows, and Stupid Grins”, A Dodgy Dossier production
  • Matt Whitaker, “Big Dicks, Big Foot, Big Toilets”, a Time Travel production

Best Original Story:

  • “It was About Russian Adoption”, co-writers Donald Trump, Jr and Donald Trump, Sr., Hope Hicks producer
  • “Walls Work”, Stephen Miller director, a Twelfth Century production
  • “Two-Hundred Thirty-Nine Pounds of Great Genes”, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, medical director, a Medical Miracle production.

And this year, the Clown Car Academy of Farts and Nonsense would like to award its annual Lifetime Achievement Award to Steve King for a lifetime of unwavering dedication to being a total asshole.  

Congratulations to this year’s winners and thank you to the Academy of Farts and Nonsense for its hard work nominating some of the biggest gas bags of 2018. We look forward to a great 2019 assured that the Trump organization will provide another long list of convicted felons. And with that, we say goodnight and GO PRICKS!

On Tuesday it was reported by Rachel Maddow that Donald Trump is planning a new event to celebrate Trump’s America. It would take place in Washington, D.C. on July Fourth and feature a parade and a gathering on the Mall for a great fireworks display. Of course, you say, they already do that and have been doing that for forty years. But the big difference is that Trump is selling this as his idea and that makes it so much bigger than just Independence Day. Maybe he’ll call it Trumpendence Day!

Well, we at the Clown Car Update have some ideas of our ownfor new traditions perhaps celebrated on the same day every year. Here are someideas we came up with for new National Holidays:

  • Every year, the President of the United Statesgoes to Walter Reed and has an annual physical. With the current pretender inthe White House, this also involves the attending physician lying aboutDonnie’s weight. Let’s call this holiday FatDonnie Tuesday.
  • We all remember that Wednesday after election day 2016. It was the day we all woke up to hear the three words that produced mass projectile vomiting: President-Elect Trump! To ensure that we remember the day we spent with our heads in a toilet bowl, the first Wednesday in November will be commemorated as Ass Wednesday.
  • June 16, 2015. He rolled down the escalator inTrump Tower like a ball of dung being pushed by a beetle. That ball of dung isnow rolling around the White House getting bigger and slinkier every day. Andwho was that beetle pushing the ball of dung down the escalator? None otherthan Vladimir Putin. So it is fitting that June 16 be remembered as Russian Christmas.
  • They do it in the United Kingdom on December 26.  But we want to celebrate January 20, 2021, as the day Kellyanne Conway back into one of Trump’s hemorrhoids and has to pack and leave. We call it Boxing Day.
  • We already have April Fool’s Day. But onNovember 6, 2018, the Democrats won back the House of Representatives and NancyPelosi began to dog-walk Donald Trump. So give us your best sarcastic applausefor Nancy’s Fool Day.  
  • April 25, 2019, is Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day. But for the Trump family, it may have a different meaning so let’s start Take Your Sons and Daughter to Prison Day.
  • It may be a pre-dawn FBI raid on a former TrumpCampaign official or the announcement that one of Donnie’s children are finallygoing to jail. It always seems to happen on the same day, and we call that daya Good Friday.

And of course there are many days yet to come that we cannoteven imagine yet. One that we are all hoping for is the day they escort DonaldTrump from the White House to the Big House. We already have a holiday forthat. We call it Thanksgiving Day!

Just in time for spring, and Mueller indictments, the Clown Car Update is proud to announce its first annual spring clothing line. The theme this spring follows the headlines of Trump campaign advisors steadily going to jail. Since our catalog is not quite complete, today we will present a preview of the fashions everyone will want to be wearing this Spring. So move over J. Peterman, here is our Spring 2019 offering, The Roger Stone Collusion Collection:

The You’re-A-Sucker Seersucker Freedom Shirt: Evil minds are always working, and that means you don’t always have time to attend to ironing your shirts. I once met a dirty trickster on the subway. He had a very high hairline that ended on a very pointy head. I asked him why he looked so disheveled. He responded, “Running from arraignments to interviews there is no time to iron!” Great words from a master liar. But in a seersucker shirt, rumpled looks fashionable whether conducting a presser outside the courthouse or just dodging the FBI at the next subway stop. Available in Prison Stripe and Inmate Orange sizes small to XXXTrump.

The Silk Gangster Robe: It’s 6:00 AM and you were just dreaming of that wonderful dinner at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London with Julian Assange. Hacked emails and plans of election rigging filled the air. Suddenly, you are awakened from your dream by a loud banging on your door. “FBI, open up!” Are you frightened? Do you run? Why absolutely not! You do what Al Capone did when Elliot Ness was at his door. You slip on your luxurious silk gangster robe and cover your junk and that Nixon tattoo. Now you are cuffed and hauled off for booking in style. Available in white, very white, KKK white, and Ted Cruz Paisley.

The Bad Ass Basque Beret: You are out on the town after a long day of violating your gag order. Diner with friends and perhaps a crank call to the special prosecutor’s office pretending to flip on Trump. Just as they begin to take your information you yell, “fake news” and hang up. And nothing makes this evening of fun and pranks feel better that wearing a fine velvet beret. It says, “yes, this man is a total asshole!”  Available in MAGA Red in sizes small, medium, and pointy head.  

The Bullet Proof Tweed Vest: There is one item that is a must in the closet of any well-dressed indicted conspirator and that is a sharp, well-fitting vest. Pre-trial hearings, hours of questioning, and then a trial means you will be in and out of courthouses more often than Trump raw dogging a porn star. Our all wool tweed vests are lined with the finest Kevlar to keep you looking sharp and at the same time prevent you from becoming the next Jack Ruby. Comes in Grey and is imported from Ukraine.

The Paul Manafort Ostridge Skin Overnight Bag: Today’s the day. The judge gave you twenty years and they start today, so you pack your things in the bag you have loved since all those sleepovers with Paul, Jerome Corsi, and Sam Nunberg. Made of the same quality Ostridge as Paul’s jackets, you can take your memories to prison with you. Pack light though, they have a dress code where you’re going. Colors vary.

That is just a small sample of our soon to be released spring collection. Our catalog will be coming soon. And we are already at work with our fall collection when all the leaves turn orange and so does your wardrobe. And remember our motto at The Roger Stone Collusion Collection, “Everything we sell is a story, and it is mostly perjury.”

Well, the Tell-All book industry is thriving better than a mushroom growing on an old dead stump! (Insert Trump penis joke here). There is Omarosa Manigault Newman’s “Unhinged”, Chris Christie’s new book “Let Me Finish”, (which incidentally is what every woman who ever had sex with Trump told him), and the latest entry, Cliff Sims “Team of Vipers”. All of these books have caused a stir but nothing like what the investigative reporters at the Clown Car Update have uncovered. And as a result of our expert sleuthing, we are proud to announce the soon-to-be-published ultimate Trump Tell-All book by the person who knew him most intimately. No, not wives or porn stars. We are talking about Trump’s personal Grub Hub delivery boy, Sal Manella. In this book, of which excerpts were published in Proctology Monthly,  what the author reveals is more explosive than a Trump bowel movement! The book is entitled “The Art of the Meal: Holy Shit, He Ate That?”. Here are some of the shocking revelations in this blockbuster book:

  • Trump had threesomes with a Big Mac and Kentucky Fried Chicken breast.
  • Trump used the code “Golden Shower Special” to order lemonade trickled over his hamburger bun.
  • Trump’s frequent sniffling during speeches is due to inadvertently inhaling the sesame seeds.
  • The “nuclear football” now contains the password to Trump’s Grub Hub account and an emergency chocolate cake.
  • When Trump ordered a “Stormy Daniels” he wanted a pizza with mushrooms on top.
  • Whenever he ordered Taco Bell, he would have me build a wall around his order with empty Big Mac boxes then tell me to send the bill to Mexico.
  • Trump once let out gas in the White House SCIF destroying sensitive intel documents.
  • Trump would make prank calls to Mitch McConnell and disguise his voice by talking into empty KFC buckets.
  • Trump would stand Chicken McNuggets on end and pretend they were his Inaugural crowd.
  • He was disappointed when he learned that FDA didn’t stand for Food Delivery Agency.

These are only a small sample of what we can expect in Mr. Manella’s red hot book. Other questions that the answers are: Did Trump give the recipe for our Navy’s Bean Soup to Putin? Did Trump really give Kim Jung Un a gift certificate to White Castle? Did trump really faint at the sight of a  salad bar? You will have to buy the book to find the answers but one thing this book assures us when you eat as much as Trump, you can’t help to be full of shit.