This week on Episode 384 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the “Fire Marshall Bill” award goes to the right wing blogosphere and talk show circuit for setting fire to their hair and eyebrows after Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew announced that President Andrew Jackson would be replaced on the twenty dollar bill by Harriet Tubman. Ms. Tubman, besides being the same sex as Hillary Clinton, is also the same race as Barack Obama. So out onto Fox News they poured, screaming foul and white persecution. Poor Jackson, a beloved president and genocidal maniac unceremoniously dumped for an outlaw who stole slaves from their owners. Even Ben Carson was offended enough to go on Neil Cavuto’s show, which is offensive all by itself. Carson claimed to love Harriet, but really admired that Jackson balanced a budget while at the same time stealing tribal lands from Native Americans to make room for more plantations to house slaves. When will the injustice to white Americans end. So, to soothe the feelings of these poor white bigots, the Treasury has announced plans to develop new currency to honor some of their heroes. Here are a few ideas that may become our newest bills:
The Half-Dollar Bill: In honor of Alaska’s half-wit half-governor Sarah Palin. True, the bill would serve no useful purpose, but either does the woman on its face.
The Seventy-seven cent Bill: This would look like a regular one dollar bill, but be for use by only women, so would only be worth seventy-seven cents. It would honor Phyllis Schlafly’s tireless work to keep women second class citizens.
The 7-Eleven Bill: This bill would be worth $711 dollars, which seems like an odd amount until you understand that it is commemorating Trumps visit to the convenient store chain soon after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Since he reminded us of this famous event on election night last Tuesday, the treasury will produce this bill with the image of an Orange Slurpee.
The non-denominational Bill: This bill will be a special mint by the U S Treasury and would honor former presidential candidate Herman Cain on the front with a pepperoni pizza on back . It would have no monetary value whatsoever, but would bear his famous line “I have nothing to back this up”. Neither will the Treasury Department.
The $6 Bill: This is only honored in groups of three, as in 6,6,& 6. It features the image of Michele Bachmann rising to heaven and can only be used by those of us left on Earth AFTER the rapture. It will not be circulated until 6/6/66 and then, only briefly, because Armageddon.
The $47 Bill: This honors Mitt Romney and is made from a heavy poster board so it can be flipped for heads or tails games. Mitt’s image is on both sides as always.
The $69 Bill: This bill is a special mint to commemorate Ted Cruz’s defense of anti-masturbation laws in front of the Supreme Court. The bill is a bit sticky and really no one will ever want to touch it, so it is useful for people who do not like to spend their money. It is printed in paisley.
The NRA $38 Special Bill: You’ve hear of burning a hole in your pocket, well this bill will shoot a hole in yours as it commemorates Americas fascination with things that discharge that are not Ted Cruz. Pictured are Wayne La Pierre explaining to his draft board that he is totally insane.
If you have any requests to honor your right wing nuts with a special currency, the Treasury Department asks that you get your requests in by Ronald Reagan’s birthday and please include proof of Tea Party membership. Proof accepted are dental records showing no more that three remaining teeth, or a signed permission slip from your parole officer.