Archive for April, 2016

This week on Episode 384 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the “Fire Marshall Bill” award goes to the right wing blogosphere and talk show circuit for setting fire to their hair and eyebrows after Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew announced that President Andrew Jackson would be replaced on the twenty dollar bill by Harriet Tubman. Ms. Tubman, besides being the same sex as Hillary Clinton, is also the same race as Barack Obama.  So out onto Fox News they poured, screaming foul and white persecution. Poor Jackson, a beloved president and genocidal maniac unceremoniously dumped for an outlaw who stole slaves from their owners. Even Ben Carson was offended enough to go on Neil Cavuto’s show, which is offensive all by itself. Carson claimed to love Harriet, but really admired that Jackson balanced a budget while at the same time stealing  tribal lands from Native Americans to make room for more plantations to house slaves. When will the injustice to white Americans end.  So, to soothe the feelings of these poor white bigots, the Treasury has announced plans to develop new currency to honor some of their heroes.  Here are a few ideas that may become our newest bills:

The Half-Dollar Bill:  In honor of Alaska’s half-wit half-governor Sarah Palin. True, the bill would serve no useful purpose, but either does the woman on its face.

The Seventy-seven cent Bill:  This would look like a regular one dollar bill, but be for use by only women, so would only be worth seventy-seven cents.  It would honor Phyllis Schlafly’s tireless work to keep women second class citizens.

The 7-Eleven Bill: This bill would be worth $711 dollars, which seems like an odd amount until you understand that it is commemorating Trumps visit to the convenient store chain soon after the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  Since he reminded us of this famous event on election night last Tuesday, the treasury will produce this bill with the image of an Orange Slurpee.

The non-denominational  Bill:   This bill will be a special mint by the U S Treasury and would honor former presidential candidate Herman Cain on the front with a pepperoni pizza on back . It would have no monetary value whatsoever, but would bear his famous line “I have nothing to back this up”. Neither will the Treasury Department.

The $6 Bill:  This is only honored in groups of three, as in 6,6,& 6.  It features the image of Michele Bachmann rising to heaven and can only be used by those of us left on Earth AFTER the rapture. It will not be circulated until 6/6/66 and then, only briefly, because Armageddon.

The $47 Bill:  This honors Mitt Romney and is made from a heavy poster board so it can be flipped for heads or tails games.  Mitt’s image is on both sides as always.

The $69 Bill:  This bill is a special mint to commemorate Ted Cruz’s defense of anti-masturbation laws in front of the Supreme Court. The bill is a bit sticky and really no one will ever want to touch it, so it is useful for people who do not like to spend their money. It is printed in paisley.

The NRA $38 Special Bill:  You’ve hear of burning a hole in your pocket, well this bill will shoot a hole in yours as it commemorates Americas fascination with things that discharge that are not Ted Cruz. Pictured are Wayne La Pierre explaining to his draft board that he is totally insane.

If you have any requests to honor your right wing nuts with a special currency, the Treasury Department asks that you get your requests in by Ronald Reagan’s birthday and please include proof of Tea Party membership.  Proof accepted are dental records showing no more that three remaining teeth, or a signed permission slip from your parole officer.

 

 

 

383Episode 383 of The Tim Corrimal Show presents Part 2 of an exclusive expose on the sexploits of presidential candidate, Ted Cruz. This week we learned that as solicitor general of Texas, Cruz defended a law that essentially made it a crime to sell sex toys, which prompted  this Tweet from screenwriter Craig Mazin who was Cruz’ roommate in freshman year:

Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to “stimulate their genitals.” I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.

So the Clown Car Enquirer sent its reporters to talk to several college friends of Ted’s. WARNING: The stories you are about to hear are shocking and graphic.  If you recently had a meal, you may want to wait a few hours before continuing.

As we sat down with this group of Ted’s former acquaintances,  you got a sense that at first they were uncomfortable talking about his masturbatory exploits. But as the interview went on, a disturbing picture of self abuse emerged.

“He would masturbate to Biblical themes. It was real freaky!”, one person told us as the others shook their heads in agreement. After a few round of drinks they became more comfortable and spoke of Ted’s favorite Biblical masturbation games:

Joseph’s multicolored coat:  Yes, that is what he referred to that sticky paisley robe he wore.  He claimed that like in the Bible, his father gave him this robe to wear to show he was special and destined for greatness. He wore it every day, but what we didn’t know until later was that the pockets were just slits so he could get to his junk. He used to play with himself and wander into the women’s wing yelling “I am Joseph with the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”.   After several complaints, campus police warned him to stay in his room if he wanted to play with himself. His nickname on campus was the “Paisley Boner”.

The pillar of salt:  That’s how he referred to his erection when he re-enacted the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. He would say his right thigh was Sodom, and his left thigh was Gomorrah and his boner was Lot’s wife, who disobeyed the angels’ orders and looked at Ted’s legs. As punishment, Ted would beat the pillar until it was a flaccid salty mess.

Jonah and the whale:  You guessed it, Ted would pretend to be Jonah and he was about to be swallowed by his huge “whale”, which he would called little  Ted in this fantasy.  As the “whale” grew bigger and bigger, Ted would beat it until it spit him out and he was free.  He would then fall asleep caressing his wonderful whale friend.

Walls of Jericho:  Ted was very proud of this particular masturbatory exercise because it required extraordinary flexibility. He would pretend that he was the Israelites and he was going to knock down the Walls of Jericho.  He would wait for Joshua’s command and blow his “trumpet”.  The walls would fall, as well as his trumpet!

The Great Flood & Noah:  This one he would do in the bathtub.  He would fill up the tub and pretend he was the ark.  On board was Noah and a pair. Every so often, Noah would pop up above the water to see if it was still raining.  Ted would shove Noah up and down, up and down until the rain was finished and it was safe for Noah and the pair to come out. After several of these episodes, his roommates insisted that he Clorox the tub.

These were jus a few of the horror stories friends and former roommates told us about Ted’s self-stimulation. Apparently he felt that his self-pleasuring was justified because he was using it to demonstrate his mastery of the Bible.  Now while we couldn’t conclude that Ted was a master of the Bible, we do know one thing: He was never the master of his domain!

 

 

381

This Week, The National Enquirer, the publication that brought you lizard people produced an even more bazaar and outrageous story : That Ted Cruz had affairs with five women. Now it was hard to believe that five deer ticks would want to attach to Ted Cruz. So for Episode 381 of The Tim Corrimal Show our investigative reporter did some snooping around for our exclusive publication, “The Clown Car Enquirer” and the story we found is shocking. First a disclaimer:  If you are at work or children are listening you may want to put on your earphones now.

We first went to Calgary and spoke to Margaret Courtney. In December 1970, she was the head pediatric nurse at Foothills General Hospital. Now retired, Ms. Courtney remembers the horror like it was yesterday. “He terrorized the entire staff. He would carry on with that high pitched sound that comes out of his mouth until he got attention. Then he would try to latch on to the nurses nipple right through her uniform.  It was like that face-hugger in “Alien”.  We honestly didn’t know which end of that creep to put the diaper on”.  Ms. Courtney said after he left some of her staff didn’t speak for months.

Next we traveled to the home of Nancy York, who worked for a professional babysitting service in 1975.  She described the Cruz home as a “house of horrors”. “There were pacifiers everywhere, on the floor, glued to the wall, hanging on a string around his neck.  He was obsessed with nipples.  And his father was creepier than him.  He would stare at me and mumble ‘I am a prophet like Moses. Would you like to see my staff’.  Needless to say, I refused to go back after one day”. Ms. York subsequently moved to California and had a much more enjoyable experience sitting for the Menedez family. “Joseph and Erik were much more pleasant than Ted”.

Next, we spoke with Ted’s first crush, now a neuroscientist studying the brain patterns of sociopaths. “He inspired my career,” she told us, “in a way that no other person could. I remember, we were in the third grade and every day he would try to kiss me on the playground. His face was like the opposite pole of a magnet; The closer it came, the more you were repelled. One day he refused to leave recess until I kissed him. When I refused he whipped out a copy of Dr. Seuss and threatened to recite “Green Eggs and Ham” until I did.  I remember the principle dragging him in while he shouted ‘why am I persecuted?’

Ted’s date date for the senior prom, who spoke on the condition that she remain anonymous, told of a strange incident on the night of the dance.  Ted drove her to a secluded area and produced a blond wig, and asked her to put it on. She recalled, “At first I thought it was some strange sexual fetish, but then he asked me to sing “Happy Birthday Mr. President”, you know, like Marilyn Monroe?.  I was so frightened that I started to cry and he yelled ‘why am I persecuted?!’. It was our last date”.

Skipping over his well documented “paisley robe” period, we went straight to his days clerking for Chief Justice William Rehnquist.  We spoke with retired Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the phone: “It was the first of October and all the justices were assembled for the official portrait. As we were standing there waiting for the photographer to set up, I felt an unusual breeze under my robes. As I turned to look for the source, I kicked something that turned out to be a head.  It was that creepy Ted guy from Rehnquist’s office.  I remember stomping on his ugly face and he ran away screaming ‘why am I persecuted?!’. I never saw him again”.

And last there is the D.C. Madame allegation.  A Cruz supporter told us this: “To this day, Senator Cruz stands by his story that he was drugged and led to believe that the associates of the D.C. Madame were a race of naked women from outer space”.  However, in a phone call to his now famous nose leak, we got another story: “He knew very well where he was. I was there. I had a nose eye view of everything he did!”

You may doubt this story and the many stories in this report.  And you may think that alien abduction is the stuff of science fiction. But if you think about it, so is five women willing to have sex with Ted Cruz.