Archive for October, 2016

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On Episode 404 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we explore a new drug that may help people like Mike Pense get through a very tough condition.

Have you fallen into a sewer and want to pretend that you still smell shower fresh? Is your ship sinking but you want to pretend it’s really a submarine? Have you ever passed gas at a party and balmed the family dog? Is the top of your ticket a demented serial liar? Well, you may be suffering from a condition known as Chronic Reality Evasion and Elimination Prolaps or CREEP.

Mild CREEP outbursts can cause spinning and a states of denial.  Moderate to severe CREEP have been known to cause night Tweeting and compilsive calling to Sean Hannity. In rare cases, CREEP has resuted in the death of campaign. If you suffer from any of these symptoms, ask your health care professional about Avoidthefactsophen. Avoidthefactsophen is a fast acting lying aid that has been proven to turn your CREEP into a reasonable candidate. Just two Avoidthefactsophen in the morning and you are ready for the any camaign activity. Tell a crowd of thousands with a straight face that your running mate respects women. Look convincing when you tell a debate moderator that the person who said those things on the videotape is not you. Yes, you can do all these things and live with the illusion that you and your running mate are simply two regular white supremacists. And for those special moments when tapes pop up of your running mate on the Howard Stern Show, there is Avoidthefactsophen Extra Strength! The facts are gone faster than Chris Cristie’s chances avoiding indictment. It’s that simple. Reality just melts away and you can pretend that everything is normal. Ignore the the sound of jaws dropping to the floor. All you will hear is the beautiful sound of Benghazi and email servers. Yes, your long nightmare is over thanks to Avoidthefactsophen .

Tell your doctor that you are taking Avoidthefactsophen. Avoidthefactsophencan should not be taken with Politi-facts, Washington Post fact checkers, Google, or videotape.

If it is taken too often, Avoidthefactsophen may cause your poll numbers to drop suddenly to an unsafe level. In some rare cases loss of an election and indictments have been reported. Never take Avoidthefactsophen when evaluating whether or not to join a ticket with Donald Trump.

Do not take Avoidthefactsophen if you accociate with any creatures called “Trump.” Creatures called Trump include Melania, Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, and Donald Jr. that are found in fungus, sewers, and Trump Towers. Trumps can also be found lurking around lady’s rooms and killing innocent animals for their sadistic pleasure.

Stop campaign activity if you experience symptoms such as chest pain, dizziness, or a guilty conscience.  Campaign activity can put an extra strain on your heart, especially if your heart is already not in it. See your health care professional if you experience any of these symptoms. Seek immediate help if you have made an endorsement that lasts more than six hours as this can cause permanent damage to your political career.

You don’t have to suffer with the effects of that CREEP anymore. Get your life of denial back with Avoidthefactsophen, now available in suppositories.

 

 

 

 

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This week on Episode 403 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we review the Humiliation at Hofstra!

It was the match of the century. In one corner, the Champ from Chappaqua, The Pant Suit Punisher, Hillary Clinton. In the other corner, the challenger, The Manhattan Manchild, the Twilight Tweeter, Donald “Tiny Hands” Trump!  This would be a ninty minute fight, there would be no lying, no exaggeration, and no fat shaming. The fighters touched crib notes and went to their corners.

The bell rings for round one. As the fighters circle one another Trump, in the black trunks, looks a little out of shape. He seems slow and unfocused. Clinton, in the white trunks, looks him in the eye like a laser. Trump bobs and weaves and out of nowhere, BAM! Hillary hits him with a $14 million dollar loan from his father. A solid hit to his ego. Trump staggers, putting up his tiny fists to protect himself from further injury. “A small loan, he counters, and I built a great company.” Trump defensively moves in and whispers to Clinton that he wants her to be happy in an effort to influence the referee, but Holt breaks it up. Round One goes to Clinton.

Trump’s corner furiously tries to get him on track. As round two begings, he swings wildly at Clinton with NAFTA. Miss! Swings wildly at Clinton with tax increases. Miss! Whenever he leans right, she goes left and it seems to be working. Trump can’t lay a glove on her and is becoming frustrated. He takes a couple more swings, “big league tax increase” he yells at Clinton. She counters with her website and Trump tries a counter with his but just then, CRASH! Trump’s website is down!  The referee gives a mandatory ten-count and the round is over. Round Two to Clinton.

Round Three. Clinton comes out swinging. Tax increase for the wealthy, a clean hit. Tax decrease for the middle class, clean hit. Trump tries to move in but Holt breaks it up. “It’s Secretary Clinton’s two minutes” he warnes. Clinton comes back with a $4 billion tax saving for Trump’s family under his plan. Trump is staggered, dazed. “How much?”, he asks Holt, “How much?” He is obiously out on his feet. Holt stops the fight, gives another mandatory ten-count and the round is over. Round Three to Clinton.

Round Four. Trump staggers from his corner and starts babbling about a big, fat, bubble.  He starts yellin’, Janet Yellen at Clinton, and is warned by Holt to stick to the subject. Then, BAM! Clinton lands a solid punch on his tax returns. He tries to counter with an audit, but he misses. He tries to hit her with emails. Misses. She hits him hard to the body with all of her tax returns. Then she hits him again with him not paying any taxes. He counters with “that makes me smart” and BAM, he is DOWN! He gets up in a daze. Clinton lands another solid punch, “You stiffed contractors!” He tries to counter with “I didn’t like their work”, but he goes down again. Trump staggers to his feet and is saved by the bell. Round four to Clinton, big time!

Round Five starts with racial tension. Clinton polks with better understanding and Trump flails wildly with law and order. Trump moves in and takes a huge swing with “stop and frisk” and misses wildly. He tries again and misses wildly again. It’s starting to look like he is tiring just as Holt warnes him an unconstituional call. Trump defends, backs away, and claims that Clinton is too prepared for the fight. The crowd roars with laughter as round five goes to Clinton.

Round Six. Trump is hit squarely with a birther punch. He polks at Clinton, but fails to land a punch. He calls a foul on Clinton for starting the birther round, but Holt doesn’t see it that way. Out of nowhere, Clinton attackes, “You were sued by the Justice department for housing discrimination”, the blow lands hard. Trump covers up, “never admitted guilt”. But he is hurt badly. When he went low, Clinton went high. Round Six to Clinton.

Round Seven. Clinton lands a blow right at the beginning with the cyber threat. “He invited Russia to attack us”, a deadly punch. Trump covers up, tring to defend Russia with a 400 pound man on a bed. He tries to cover up more with admirals and generals, but the damage is done. Trump staggers to his corner muttering “the cyber” and bleeding badly. Round Seven to Clinton.

Round Eight. The bell for round eight no sooner rings and Clinton lands a solid punch to Trumps support of the war in Iraq. He is so stunned that he starts calling for his trainer, Sean Hannity, but Holt will not allow it. As the bell to end the round rings, he trips into his corner screaming, “No one will call Hannity!” Round Eight to Clinton.

Round nine. Trump explodes like a nucear bomb, literally, he wants to give nuclear weapons to Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia. Protection money, Clinton counters, he is letting down our allies. The puches land like a nuclear strike. Trump wobbles on his wiry little legs, “they have to pay up!” Trump mutters, “stamina, STAMINA, she doesn’t have STAMINA!” But it looks like rubbery legged Trump is the one losing stamina. He barely survives the ninth round. It goes to Clinton.

Round 10. “Visit 112 coutries, Donald!” A solid hit to the body. “Negotiate a peace deal, a cease-fire, a release of dissidents, spend 11 hours testifying in front of a congressional committee, he can talk to me about stamina.” Trump is now visably staggered, bearly standing, when she delivers the knockout punch. “Miss Piggy, Miss Housekeeping, her name is Alicia Machado” Trump hit the mat with the force of a 267 pound bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. As Holt counted to ten, he muttered “Rosie O’Donnell and then passed out cold. The fight was over. Clinton won the fight with a knockout.

It really didn’t matter, thought, because the judges at the end of the fight scored it a unanimous decision for Clinton. Trumps handlers screemed foul as they carried his lifeless campaign into the spin room. It was a scene right out of “The Champ”, his fans crying, looking at his lifeless body. “Wake up, Trump, wake up!” they cried. “Wake him up, Kellyanne!”, they cried. “Wake him up, Steve, we want Trump”. “It’s no use, kids” said Rudy, “he’s gone.”