Archive for November, 2017

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Well, this week we will celebrate Thanksgiving Day and what would it be without the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. This year will be featuring brand new balloons representing the most popular characters from the past year. No more Sponge Bob, Ronald McDonald or Underdog. Instead, we have a brand new lineup and the Clown Car is here to give you a sneak preview of the big parade. So here we go with the leadoff balloon…

…The Jeff Sessions Balloon: Remember the Elf on the Shelf? Well, step aside because there’s a new elf in town and it’s Attorney General Jeff Sessions. This balloon is the smallest in this year’s parade and by far the most confused. Listen carefully and you can hear him say over and over “I don’t remember, I don’t remember.”  He had ten handlers, all members of the Alabama Marching Ku Klux Klan. No Russians there, just pure white hooded Americans! And who is that coming right up on Jeff’s ass? Why it’s…

…The Donald Trump Balloon: The Pillsbury Dough Boy has nothing on this guy. But this big guy is orange is filled with over ten million cubic feet of colon gas produced from the farts of ten thousand volunteers at the local Kentucky Fried Chicken. And don’t let those tiny hands fool you. He has an executive order in one hand and a KFC bucket in the other. Watch out for leaks on this one, the smell would clear out Sixth Avenue. Now, what is that hovering over this balloon? Why it’s…

…The Russian Hookers Balloon: Look out! Here come the three Russian hookers each one containing full bladders of yellow liquid. Every time the Donald Trump balloon rolls over, the crowd is treated to a shower of golden liquid so realistic that Christopher Steele can’t tell the difference. And look who’s chasing the Russian hookers! It’s…

…The Roy Moore Balloon: Who else would you expect chasing Russian hookers but Judge Roy Moore. He has the Ten Commandments in one hand and where is that other hand? Well, we just don’t know but you might want to hide your daughters, dads. This balloon could be found now and until Christmas stalking girls at shopping malls all around Alabama. Well, help is on the way because here comes…

…The Jared Kushner Balloon: This balloon doesn’t do much but stand there and smile. If you listen closely, once in a while it will squeak, but it mostly just lays there with a stupid grin on his face. You can find this balloon in its permanent home on 666 Fifth Avenue and by the way, it’s for sale for the right amount of Rubles. And did someone say ‘Rubles’? Well, look out. here comes…

…The Donald Trump, Jr. Balloon: Yep, Donnie Jr. loves his Rubles and dirt on Hillary Clinton. Sad to say that this balloon will not be making it to the end of the parade because of a WikiLeak. And what would a Don, Jr. Balloon be without his brother,,,

…The Eric Trump Balloon: This one has a lot of air, but most of it is in its head. And hey, it’s moving in the wrong direction! And look out Eric, you are about to bump into…

…The Melania Balloon: She is dropping her high heels and putting on her flood sneakers and making a break for it. She appears to be waving goodbye to the Donald Sr balloon. Very realistic!

And now the finale of this year’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, what all the kids are waiting for, the big man himself. No, not Santa Clause! It’s Bob Muller, in a beautiful pinstripe suit surrounded by all his little helpers, the FBI elves. He is handing out subpoenas and his elves are putting the cuffs on all the Trump balloons. What a great finale to this parade and a great way to start the prosecution season. Happy Holidays all!

 

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The International Olympic Committee, in a surprise development on Tuesday night, added a new sport to the upcoming Winter Olympics in South Korea next February.  The new event is called the “Long Distance Under the Bus Throw.”  Speaking from their headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland IOC President Dr Thomas Bach said the surprise move was inspired by Donald J. Trump’s record toss of Republican gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie under a bus all the way from Seoul, South Korea.  The toss occurred mere minutes after Virginia polls closed. “This was a historic throw, one for the record books,” Bach declared, “prompting the IOC to immediately name Mr Trump as the first qualifier in the new event.”

Tuesday’s under-the-bus toss by Mr Trump was a record 11,308 kilometres shattering the former record of 3,363 km also held by Mr Trump. That record was set on June 16, 2015, when during his announcement for the presidency of the United States, Mr Trump tossed the entire country of Mexico under the bus from New York City. As amazing as that toss was, Tuesday’s fete had jaws dropping from Bejing to Moscow. Russian president Vladimir Putin praised Trump not only for the distance but for the speed with which it was done. “When we first decided to sponsor Donnie we knew he was capable of throwing anyone under a bus! But this one was not only impressive for its distance, but for the speed. The polls had only closed for twenty minutes and he had the Gillespie person under the bus and put away.” Putin added. “He is more than we ever hoped for.”

This surprise decision by the IOC has Olympic fans all over the world looking forward to the February event with intense interest. Ashley Wagner, a Team USA figure skater can’t wait to get to Olympic Village in Pyeongchang. “Trump has us all excited, wondering who he will throw under the bus next year. We all have our favourites, but mine is that snobby Ivanka. I’d love to see her thrown as far under a bus as he can chuck her!” Meghan Duggan of the USA Women’s Hockey Team has another target in mind. “I have always fantasized about smacking Jared Kushner like a hockey puck into a goal post. I’m hoping Trump throws that smirking creep under the biggest bus he can find!” And the Team USA Women’s Bobsled team had yet someone else in their crosshairs. “I have an offer for Trump from our entire bobsled team,” said Jamie Poser, their pilot.  “If he would just toss that little lying twerp Jeff Sessions, he doesn’t even have to use a bus. We would be happy to finish him off with our bobsled!” 

But not everyone is happy about the IOC’s decision. Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell was quite rattled. The Leader told the Clown Car Update, “Mr Gillispie was one of us and to see him brutally thrown under a bus made that thing hanging from my chin quiver. After all, I have a wife within arms reach of that guy!” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was disappointed.  ” I’ve sat next to that guy and kept this stupid grin frozen on my face for an entire year. That is the world’s record. I really thought “Frozen Goofy Face” would be a natural for the Winter Olympics.”

Now Trump’s march to Olympic Gold is not absolutely certain. There is another member of the USA team that has been making a lot of heads turn this week. Bob Mueller, Special Prosecutor and chief rival of Trump’s may be a formidable challenge to him next year. Mueller has shown some talent of his own in recent weeks. Mueller’s coach told us, “He just threw three big ones under the bus and he’s just warming up.” He had this warning for Trump, “Don’t be surprised if next year Bob Mueller end up with the gold medal. And Trump has to be worried about that Russian judge!”

 

 

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Well, well. The indictments were flowing faster this week than urine on Donald Trump’s bedsheets. But this time, it was the Oval Office taking the soaking and it was Bob Mueller peeing all over Donnie’s parade. The news that Trump’s foreign policy advisor George Popadopoulos was wearing a wire for the entire month of October had the West Wing thinking of who would be wearing an orange jumpsuit. And although he denied he had anything to worry about, he could smell the ink on the arrest warrant. So how do you know when your presidency is about to end. Well, here in the Clown Car Update have assembled for you the top ten ways Donald Trump knows he is about to be indicted:

10.  Ivanka has just started a new fashion line of GPS ankle bracelets.

9.   The Secret Service changed his codename to Prisoner 45.

8.   “Who is Donald Trump?” was the answer on Jeopardy to the question “He was the first President whose official portrait was a mug shot.”

7.   He found fingerprinting dust on his smartphone.

6.   There is feedback coming from Melania’s bra.

5.   Sean Spicer changed his Facebook status to “Witness Protection”.

4.   The White House barber just shaved his head.

3.   When questioned by the FBI, the staff referred to him as a “low-level staff member.”

2.   The FBI just ordered a pair of doll-sized handcuffs.

1.    Is that Melania sneaking down the fire escape?

But don’t worry Donnie, everything is going to be all right. Remember you said how you have the best people, you have the best brain, you have the best memory, and you have the best words. Well, Bob Mueller wants you to know that your winning streak is not over yet because he is going to make sure you have the best prison cell.